Okay, here goes. Husband having mostly an Emotional affair with someone that I thought was my friend. Because of that friendship I spent 6-8 months working on my “irrational” jealousy about all the time they spent together and everything they shared. Of course they are “just friends”. I started freaking out completely about 2 months ago because their interactions were too close. They were too intimate. They way they touched, talked and honestly excluded me or made me the wheel. What the heck?

We had a huge fight that started about her because of a day of me encroaching on their time and he told me that he loved me, but wasn’t in love with me anymore. I spent the next 2 weeks on eggshells. One day he would be eh okay and then he would go out with her drinking for 2-3 evenings and it was back to the coldness and cruelty. I continued to tell him that I loved him and wanted to work it out and that I knew it would take time. I started counseling which he initially refused because he didn’t have time. He does not know that he wants to work on our marriage.

So, the Saturday after Thanksgiving I found him at her house. I actually left work at lunch. So I called him and he said he was so busy at work today. So I rang the bell. Not having sex, just watching a movie, but he was lying to me. How can he think this is okay? He told me they had not slept together, but they had come close, but stopped. He was out all that night, as was she, big surprise.

He came back and agreed to get her crap back to her that was in our home and told me he would not see her, but he would talk to her on the phone. He refused to stop contacting her.

Anyway, we went to a counseling session on the 6th and reiterated the not seeing her. And if she showed up somewhere he was he would leave. He also agreed to inform me if they had spoken. The counselor recognized that I was at a point where I was getting ready to tell him to leave and kept stopping me. She said that he needed individual counseling and then we could proceed together, but he needed help which I had been telling him for a month.

He went out drinking at “their bar” on the 7th and oo big surprise, she showed up and he said hello and talked to her for a minute and left. He was so drunk when I got home from school and he told me about seeing her. Well, Friday, I found out he had called her on Thursday. He was supposed to go over to another friend’s house, but that fell through. I cannot help but believe they got together and I was crazy. He was trying on Friday to communicate with me and it was nice. He brought up the counseling and said that she had said we needed to communicate and was making an effort. I told him what we had agreed about the OW and said that I should not have to ask that the info should be volunteered. He snapped and said she had called him today. I asked if he had talked to her on Thursday and he lied and said no. So I told him that I knew he had could not continue to lie to me. I told him he was making bad decisions and he really needed to go to counseling and to seek positive friends to talk to that she was not positive because she had an agenda. He moved out that night. Once again I do not know where he went and she was out all night too.

He moved in with his mom on Saturday, but told me he was not going to sit around there. He was going to go out(with her I am sure).

He told me last night that he has been looking for an apartment. He said it was too hard sleeping on his Mom’s couch and he needed time ALONE to think. I told him that is not all it is cracked up to be because I am in my home alone and go home to an empty house and it is horrible. He tried to make me agree to the apartment (6 month lease) on the phone saying there was an availability deadline. I told him that we could not have this discussion on the phone and her would have to come over to talk.

See here is how I see it. Him getting an apartment means she will be there all the time. How can I help him see that she is not a positive influence on him and that every time he sees her he is disrespecting me. I am sure this makes him feel guilty and it is hurting and influencing him. I just do not feel I should have to pay for another place for him to have complete access to her. Is this wrong? Is it okay for me to tell him this? Am I being selfish by withdrawing my income? It will be hard, but we both make good money and can afford to pay our own separate bills. Should I just sit idly by and let him continue to use “our” money to go out every night with her? I think if he wants to live like a bachelor then he can foot the bill himself. Help?????

I love my husband and want him back, but I have no access and she has complete access. He just has to get into counseling. When he realized I didn’t think he should get an apartment he yelled at me and cried on the phone. I know he is so sad living with his mom. God, I feel so alone. At least he has someone to come home to. Is it fair for me to cut him off financially? Is this wrong?

I have exposed the affair to his mother, my parents, one married couple we are both friends with(man is the closest to a best friend to him after the OW). I wish WH would talk to him. How can I make her go away?????????

Please help me. What do I do? What can I do? I can’t take the lying. I am driving myself into the ground.

Sorry so long.

Welcome to MB,

Copy and paste your post over to Infidelity Gen'l Questions II. There is a lot more activity there.

No longer believe anything your husband tells you and only 1/2 of what you see. Your husband is addicted to the OW and busting up the affair is required before any type of marital reconciliation can take place. We can help you.

Plenty of us here have saved our marriage utilizing MB and there are others who did not but either way you will make it.

Mr. Wondering

P.S. - Have you exposed the affair???? (edit your post and include any exposure you may have done in the past)

Don't enable the affair by letting him use any of your money. In fact, I think you should see an attorney to protect yourself financially.

The other thing is to read about Plan A, and get into it quickly. Arguing with your husband is not going to bring him home.

It's time to protect yourself financially...he will just blow dough left and right figuring out what course he wants to take. I would suggest opening up your own account and begin to research hiring an attorney.

Read all that you can on this site, it is very good and was integral in saving my M. Begin to focus on you but also form a Plan A as much as you can knowing he is not there. If you talk, DO NOT LOVEBUST or CRITICIZE. His A will most likely die out (as most of them do). Read and reread and keep posting. You may want to post in the General Questions board as more people are there.

Welcome.

There's nothing you can do to change his mind about working on your marriage and giving up the OW. Since he's already moved out and is looking at a 6 month lease for an apartment, and since there is alcohol abuse involved, I would use the approach of completely cutting him off financially. He's trying to get you to enable his affair.

If you "help" him, by sharing finances or by allowing him to take things from your home to furnish his apartment, you enable his affair and you allow the fog to swirl around him. You aren't being cold or mean by protecting your assets. You are being prudent against the time he returns to the marriage by protecting your finances and your assets.

Help him by allowing him to hit bottom, not by providing a parachute and a cushion.

Can you live with knowing that for awhile their little affair will heat up, that they will draw closer to each other and vilify you for your unreasonableness, selfishness, your cruelty, etc? And knowing that they may have some red-hot sex (if they can find their body parts through the alcohol haze, and if they can manage to complete the act)? That could be the worst part of it. And on the other hand, it could be the best part of it. Because the sex will probably be a huge disappointment once they get there.

Post in General Questions, and think about Plan A/Plan B and changing the locks and making your money completely unavailable to him. I'm betting on his coming home, but you would be wise to set up some very concrete conditions.

Read about How Affairs Should End. Go all through the site, read up about the Giver and the Taker, and about the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. And take Excellent care of yourself.

Thank you for all of the replies. I have made some decisions that I think are moving in the right direction.

I have opened a bank account and my next paycheck will be sent to it. He does not know that yet. I will not financially support his affair.

The OW is not married, but has a 12 y/o son which she leaves 3-5 times a week to go out drinking with my husband and others. She leaves him at home with her drunk mother. She lives with her mother and I think that she has targeted my husband as a way out.

I have a question. This is mostly an EA as far as I know. Could I send him info on EAs? He is in complete denial with his "we are just friends" If I should, when? Now? Before he knows about the finances. Maybe it will help him see where I am and how betrayed I feel. I do not want to turn him onto this site though since I am putting out so much personal info. Ideas of a concise EA article that will showw him the betrayal I am feeling? Should I do this?

Don't share any info with him right now -he will not understand it anyway. You must take care of you make yourself and home an inviting place for him to want to be. Keep yourself busy. Read all here. You may get more help if you post on General questions II. There is alot of traffice there.