Okay, here goes. Husband having mostly an Emotional affair with someone that I thought was my friend. Because of that friendship I spent 6-8 months working on my “irrational” jealousy about all the time they spent together and everything they shared. Of course they are “just friends”. I started freaking out completely about 2 months ago because their interactions were too close. They were too intimate. They way they touched, talked and honestly excluded me or made me the wheel. What the heck?

We had a huge fight that started about her because of a day of me encroaching on their time and he told me that he loved me, but wasn’t in love with me anymore. I spent the next 2 weeks on eggshells. One day he would be eh okay and then he would go out with her drinking for 2-3 evenings and it was back to the coldness and cruelty. I continued to tell him that I loved him and wanted to work it out and that I knew it would take time. I started counseling which he initially refused because he didn’t have time. He does not know that he wants to work on our marriage.

So, the Saturday after Thanksgiving I found him at her house. I actually left work at lunch. So I called him and he said he was so busy at work today. So I rang the bell. Not having sex, just watching a movie, but he was lying to me. How can he think this is okay? He told me they had not slept together, but they had come close, but stopped. He was out all that night, as was she, big surprise.

He came back and agreed to get her crap back to her that was in our home and told me he would not see her, but he would talk to her on the phone. He refused to stop contacting her.

Anyway, we went to a counseling session on the 6th and reiterated the not seeing her. And if she showed up somewhere he was he would leave. He also agreed to inform me if they had spoken. The counselor recognized that I was at a point where I was getting ready to tell him to leave and kept stopping me. She said that he needed individual counseling and then we could proceed together, but he needed help which I had been telling him for a month.

He went out drinking at “their bar” on the 7th and oo big surprise, she showed up and he said hello and talked to her for a minute and left. He was so drunk when I got home from school and he told me about seeing her. Well, Friday, I found out he had called her on Thursday. He was supposed to go over to another friend’s house, but that fell through. I cannot help but believe they got together and I was crazy. He was trying on Friday to communicate with me and it was nice. He brought up the counseling and said that she had said we needed to communicate and was making an effort. I told him what we had agreed about the OW and said that I should not have to ask that the info should be volunteered. He snapped and said she had called him today. I asked if he had talked to her on Thursday and he lied and said no. So I told him that I knew he had could not continue to lie to me. I told him he was making bad decisions and he really needed to go to counseling and to seek positive friends to talk to that she was not positive because she had an agenda. He moved out that night. Once again I do not know where he went and she was out all night too.

He moved in with his mom on Saturday, but told me he was not going to sit around there. He was going to go out(with her I am sure).

He told me last night that he has been looking for an apartment. He said it was too hard sleeping on his Mom’s couch and he needed time ALONE to think. I told him that is not all it is cracked up to be because I am in my home alone and go home to an empty house and it is horrible. He tried to make me agree to the apartment (6 month lease) on the phone saying there was an availability deadline. I told him that we could not have this discussion on the phone and her would have to come over to talk.

See here is how I see it. Him getting an apartment means she will be there all the time. How can I help him see that she is not a positive influence on him and that every time he sees her he is disrespecting me. I am sure this makes him feel guilty and it is hurting and influencing him. I just do not feel I should have to pay for another place for him to have complete access to her. Is this wrong? Is it okay for me to tell him this? Am I being selfish by withdrawing my income? It will be hard, but we both make good money and can afford to pay our own separate bills. Should I just sit idly by and let him continue to use “our” money to go out every night with her? I think if he wants to live like a bachelor then he can foot the bill himself. Help?????

I love my husband and want him back, but I have no access and she has complete access. He just has to get into counseling. When he realized I didn’t think he should get an apartment he yelled at me and cried on the phone. I know he is so sad living with his mom. God, I feel so alone. At least he has someone to come home to. Is it fair for me to cut him off financially? Is this wrong?

I have exposed the affair to his mother, my parents, one married couple we are both friends with(man is the closest to a best friend to him after the OW). I wish WH would talk to him. How can I make her go away?????????

Please help me. What do I do? What can I do? I can’t take the lying. I am driving myself into the ground.

Sorry so long.

((((L&C)))) My heart broke when I read your post. Sounds like your WH and mine are reading off the same page. I am so sorry you are in this awful situation.

I wish I could say something encouraging, but I have no idea. I don't think there's any way to make an OW go away. My WH swears up and down he and OW are just "friends," yet I see him driving from her house on his way to work every morning. The night he left me, he went straight to her house, where he lived for two months before getting an apartment, and they're STILL together all the time. Very frustrating. I would see it as a positive sign, though, that your WH moved in with his mom.

It sounds like you've done some good exposing, but you should definitely read this site and think about doing a full Plan A. Identify your H's ENs and try to meet those. It's tough to do when you're separated, but it has helped people on this board. And even if it doesn't help your M, at least it will help you. That was my logic... at least I could say I gave it my all if things didn't work out.

I may not be the best person to give advice, since we're in the middle of divorce proceedings just three months after he left. I still have hope, though.

I guess there are only two things I could say to help:

1. You can't control anyone's actions other than your own. I've come to realize that only WH is responsible for his actions, that this is HIS problem, there's something wrong with HIM, not me. That gives me a little peace. Not much, but every little bit helps.

And 2., you're not alone... Hang in there! Definitely stick with the IC, make sure you have a good support system... friends, family, church, and take care of yourself.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Keep your head up and your dignity intact, you will make it through this.

You can't MAKE anyone do anything, which I'm sure you already know. You are in the right place for advice from people that have gone through and are going through the same sort of situation. Check out Dr. Harvey's Plan A and B, it should help. Good luck and God Bless!

Lost_Confused,

You are in the right place to get some good advice. I am sad for your situation.

I have a few questions:
How old is your WH?
Does he have a job?
How can he go out drinking every night and hold down a job?

You ask should you support him financially which meand you must have a good job and be the bread winner. Personally I think this puts you in a good position. I do not think I would foot the bill for my WH to move into an apartment so he can have an affair. He would have to come up with the moeny to do that.

I think exposure is crucial right now. Is this "friend" married? How do you know she is out all night when your WH is?

Also, read up on Plan A. This means calming down and thinking before reacting. You are trying to save your marriage so read this entire site and listen to the advice you will be given.

Best of luck and keep posting!

I would secure my finances - see an attorney. Plan A for now then get ready for plan B. Read all you can here. You can not make her go away. Now do they work together? If so expose at their jobs. Take care of yourself and make yourself and home inviting. Plan A is to take care of you and make your home an inviting place where they will want to live. No LB's at all. We do sometimes slip up but do NOT be a doormat either. Plan B is to keep what love you have left for him alive. To shelter yourself from the storm. It makes them miss what they used to have -no cominuication between you. You will have to pick someone to relay messages or and attorney. Do you have any children ? Who is your support system. Stay calm. How long have you been M ? Collect all the evidence you can and keep a journal it really helps. Remember your H has become and alien now do not try to reason with him. He only can see this OW now not you. He does not hear what you are saying. If he says he wants an apartment say fine. You can not stop him. I would pack the rest of his things and leave them someplace like the garage where he can come get them. Let him know he can come home after he writes an NC( no contact letter to OW that you read and approve of and you mail). Then you will need MC. He must agree to all these things. God bless - How old are you and WH?

Hi L_C, you sound like you are describing my sitch. My FWH did move out and went to live at his mothers, which he hated. I told him I would not help him financially to move out and date other women, that was his burden alone. I reminded him that, oh, by the way, we still have bills that need to be paid that are ours and I'll expect you to continue paying on them as before. It may not have been legal (I have no idea) but that's what I did.

Having said that, I did still pay all the bills per normal even though he didn't contribute.

Then, while he was not living at home, I Plan A'd as best I could. Ideally, I'm told that Plan A is better done while the WS is home, but it can be done when they aren't.

Read up on Plan A. There is a great book "Surviving An Affair" that you can get off this website which explains it pretty well. You can probably find it at your local library too, but I found it to always be checked out - go figure.

You can't make OW go away, only he can. Is OW married? Based on what you explained I would guess no, but if she is, exposing to her BH will go far.

That's another thing you'll need to do, expose. There are much better experts on here regarding exposure than I, so hopefully they can help you. But I can say, as hard as it was, exposure turned out to be a great tool in ending their A.

Sorry I can't be of more help. Others will chime in soon. In the meantime, just keep breathing! Sometimes, it's all we BS's can do...

LC, I did post on the Just Found Out board. Some more advice:

1. Change your focus from trying to help him to helping you-stay busy, exercise and gather your support group, get out and stay busy! This will strengthen your character and get you through the dark days ahead. Read up on the 180 plan!
2. Read, read and re-read this board and other stories.
3. Open your heart up to God and let Him help you. This is a blessed time of year, begin to pray if you have not already.
4. Keep up the exposure, his A will die out (as most of them do).

More experts will chime in, keep posting.

Does your husband have a drinking problem?

Susan

Do not do ANYTHING that enables his affair or makes this easier for him. As Realtor said, the first thing you should do is secure your finances so that he cannot spend the family money on his girlfriend. No, you absolutely should not help your husband pay for an apartment so he can date other women.

Marriage counseling is a complete waste of time and money when there is an OP in the picture. Spend it on an attorney instead who can help you protect your assets and your money.

Have you exposed this affair to his parents, her parents, their friends and their bosses? Is the OW married or does she have a boyfriend?

Remember that what your WH really wants is to have both you AND his girlfriend. He will string you along forever and tell you anything so that you will wait for him while he goes out on dates with his girlfriend.

Your WH is in fantasyland right now. He honestly thinks you will learn to accept this situation and will just wait patiently for him while he takes a Marriage Vacation, and then will gratefully welcome him back when he feels like coming home.

Do not fall for this!

Do not make this easy and comfy for him!

Do NOT protect his behavior in any way!

Cut off the money.

Tell everyone what he is doing.

Read up here on Plan A and Plan B. Do a *short* Plan A (if you can stand it) and then be prepared to go to a pitch-dark Plan B.

The only thing with a chance of knocking him off the fence is a cold hard dose of reality. He will have to see for himself what really happens to men who abandon their families to go chase other women. Do not let him think you will meekly learn to accept this, or he will NEVER stop.

Good luck and keep posting here.
Mulan

Yes it is fair to cut him off financially. You can not control him and make him stop, that is his choice to make...but enabling the affair with access to your money (albeit joint money) is not advisable.

You could go to the bank and take all liquid funds and place them all (or 50%) into either your name or into a joint signature account. The joint sig account will insure that WH doesn't go beserk that you are "stealing" all the money and you can be secure knowing that to spend the money you both need to agree.

It also would not hurt to withdraw some extra cash for expenses and in case your decide to retain a lawyer (without him knowing about it).

If this upsets him you indicate that he has been behaving irrational lately and that you are only looking to protect both of your financial interests. That if you were doing what he IS doing then you would expect him to do the same. It is his choice to stop this.

Mr. Wondering

I am 34. WH is 37. We have no kids. We both have good jobs. He drinks too much. Currently, so am I. Also not sleeping or eating....I am so healthy....

Okay, he will not admit that their relationship is inappropriate, but he knows it is because he is lying to so many and to himself. I feel like when he lies that he feels guilty and that he is tearing himself up inside. He is being so destructive. And deep down he knows this is so wrong and that everytime he is with her he is disrespecting me and I think that is contributing to his desolation.

Can I point these things out to him? Is it a LB? I am truly concerned he is making bad rash choices and he has to know that spending time with the OW is destroying him.

Also, Who am I supposed to tell about the affair? I have told my parents, his mom, closest thing to a best friend he has other than the OW and his wife, I just told the OW friend of 15 years(male) and of course my friends.

What does telling everyone accomplish? It is mostly an EA as far as I know, but I wonder if they are sleeping together. He did say they came close. I can't get it out of my mind. I just want to cry. I just don't understand.

And could someone tell me about the above post too? I am so confused I do not know if I am being positive or negative.

Is the OW married--if so, contact her husband.

I know this hurts but don't kid yourself, your H is an alien at the moment and more than likely has been intimate with her, he is acting like the classic cake eater and wants his cake and you too....only you don't have to fall for that crap, stand up for yourself and take control of the situation.

Exposure brings the light of day on these secretive and fantasy-like affairs. A dose of reality is what he needs and he also needs to see the consequences of his actions. Believe me, this will not be easy for you. Be prepared for anything and everything to happen. Most importantly, take care of yourself.

Yes, you will cry, many many times. No one deserves this treatment. But please, stand up for yourself, keep exposing and shed light on their little dreamworld. At the same time, read up on Plan A and try to meet his needs where you can without being a doormat, it is hard, I know from firsthand experience. It took me to Plan A, expose and finally file for D with her after about 8 months of being like a sick little puppy dog around her. I packed her bags, she moved out and less than 2 months later asking if I wanted to "talk". I said no, she never stopped calling but I was done with the madness and insanity. Almost 1 year ago today we started talking again and she understood my boundaries and what it would take to rebuild this M. We then cancelled the D. So, anything is possible but this will not happen overnight.

The best you can do is become a better person and strengthen yourself by following the MB guidelines. Then, if your H is onboard and wants to work on the M, great, if not, his loss, you move on and take what you learned with you to your next relationship.

Best regards.

Nature

Thank you for all of the replies. I have made some decisions that I think are moving in the right direction.

I have opened a bank account and my next paycheck will be sent to it. He does not know that yet. I will not financially support his affair.

The OW is not married, but has a 12 y/o son which she leaves 3-5 times a week to go out drinking with my husband and others. She leaves him at home with her mother. She lives with her mother and I think that she has targeted my husband as a way out.

I have a question. This is mostly an EA as far as I know. Could I send him info on EAs? He is in complete denial with his "we are just friends" If I should, when? Now? Before he knows about the finances. Maybe it will help him see where I am and how betrayed I feel. I do not want to turn him onto this site though since I am putting out so much personal info. Ideas of a concise EA article that will showw him the betrayal I am feeling? Should I do this?

Hi, L&C. To be honest, your WH is probably in such a fog that any info you give him won't mean much. In the early weeks of our situation, I printed off a bunch of stuff from the web about a study done on divorce... that unhappy people who divorced were still unhappy 5 years later, that people who stayed married were happier, etc. I tried to talk to WH about it, and he didn't give a flip. Tried to talk to him about EAs, (b/c that's all I thought it was), and he just denied, denied, denied. Heck, I even talked to the two of them together, and OW got defensive and snapped, "We have a friendship people just can't understand."

Your WH will probably never admit what he's doing, and confronting him with info about EA could be a LB, which could only draw them closer together. Your best bet is to protect yourself financially and do a good Plan A. Dont' get me wrong, part of Plan A is to show the WS the hurt and damage of an affair, be it EA or PA. But showing him articles probably won't do it.

L&C---from my experience with soon to be ex-WW, I think that they have already crossed the line and have probably slept together. He may admit to EA, but if they came close, then it is already a full blown PA.

If there are any safety issues with the son, and it sounds like there are, you should contact CPS. Even if you make an anonymous report, they will still be required to investigate it. If it happens more than once, report it more than once. It would be lovely if she had to spend more time at home to avoid having CPS breathing down her neck.

Great step in opening the account, you really need to have a plan and prepare yourself for the worst but hope for the best.

Your H is deep in the fog (again, read this site) and will not listen to you....all he wants to do is justify his wanderings, the truth is furthest thing from his mind. Please do not say in denial yourself-they more than likely have crossed the line into a PA. You expose the affair to her mom---and her son---and anyone else that matters to the two of you to bring the light of day to the situation. Yes, he will get pissed, that is okay, you need to take control of the situation. He frankly does not give a crap about you at the moment from a psych point of view.

Follow the advice here, it works, I know!

Despite grandmas issues he seems to be okay....for now, but wow this is really going to screw him up. Grandma loves him and he goes to school everyday and is clean ecetera.

To HER mother????????????? Seriously?????????? What???? How?? Yes I know her, but we are not buddies. Help. How??? He will explode.....