I saw MelodyLane responded to your other post, she has seen it all and is an excellent source of wisdom, she advised me awhile back so please pay attention to her comments.

The purpose of exposure is the first step to END THE AFFAIR..you must understand that as long as it is going or or even if there is contact between the 2 of them HE WILL NOT BE FOCUSING ON YOU OR HIS MARRIAGE. Do you hear me??? Look, I know this exposure thing does not fly with you because you do not want to push him away but HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU....get it??? And when people do not respect you they will do anything they want. You need to bring the light of day on their secret then it will no longer be secret and will shatter them BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING IS WRONG BUT DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW.

If you read Harley's MB plan on this site it will go into detail as to this rationale. This is like a psychological warfare of sorts...you see, your WS wants to have everything, he will blame you for everything that has gone wrong in the M and all he wants right now is his girlfriend and ... maybe...his wife! He wants it all and feels entitled to it because he is now in fantasyland and it is all about him....really, he does not give 2 cents about you or how you feel....it is time for you to stand up and expose...read my sig line--biggest mistake I made---DID NOT EXPOSE QUICK ENOUGH!!!!

I would call, introduce yourself and mention you are exposing this affair in order to save your marriage....DO NOT EVER FORGET THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO SAVE IT-THAT IS WHY YOU ARE EXPOSING IT!!! Yes, he will be upset, but he is USING YOU and you do not see it because you currently do not have the strength to. Stand up and do this ASAP....and keep reading up, there is alot of homework you have to do.

Plan A and then maybe Plan B (where you go dark and have no contact with him). I ended up going right to Plan D after a wicked Plan A over several months (probably too long) and again I DID NOT EXPOSE QUICK ENOUGH. I also went dark which turned her eyes to finally see how good, ahem, I really was. We are now committed to each other once again.
Sorry to be so blunt.

Do not apologize for bluntness. Honestly, I am not sure that her mother does not already know.

Are these people I expose to supposed to confront them? Tell them how wrong this is? Put pressure on them. Sorry, I am so confused.

Thanks, Nature, great post!

Melodylane offered some excellent language in response to your other post, use that as a start. Yes, you want the mom or anyone else to exert some influence on the OW to stay away from your husband. Also, once the secret is out, they no longer view their A as "so special"...it is all so wrong.

And, yes, it is confusing and not easy to understand.

Your husband is no longer connected to you or your marriage and now connected to the OW. Plan A purpose is to expose to end the affair and try to meet as many needs as you can for him (without being a doormat). This will be tough but not impossible but you cannot do this until you expose which should aid in ending the affair.

Yes, that is exactly what you want. But that is not where the main pressure comes from. See, exposure is ruinous to affairs because affairs are fantasies that can only survive under a veil of secrecy. When the affairees are forced to explain themselves, they get a glimpse of how sleazy they look through the eyes of others. This is a huge dose of reality that is ruinous to affairs!

It might not immediately end the affair, but it sure hastens the end because they are forced further underground. What crack addict likes to smoke crack when everyone knows what they are doing?

When you do this, be prepared for all manner of FURY and threats. We have heard them all. The standard ones are " I was going to work on our marriage, but now I'm not." "I am getting a divorce now." "you have hurt the OP!!" blah, blah, blah, blah........ We have heard it all! So, expect FURY and idle threats and you won't be disappointed.

Just know that it is all in your best interest, because your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it CAN'T survive an affair. That means that your best hope in saving your marriage is NOT in avoiding angering the King at all costs, but in doing whatever it takes to bust up the affair. Got it?

I got it, but I am frightened. He is so very angry. He has been violent. Usually to things, but once to me badly and a few grabbing and marching me down the hall. The argument we had a year ago to keep him from leaving I basically wrapped my arms and legs around him until he fell and then wouldn't let him go(I know bad idea, never again) until he strangled me. Wow I can't believe I am telling you this. I never told anyone.

I am getting my locks changed as we speak.

Good idea. If there are any other good exposure targets, do them at the same time, ok?

I know this may sound ridiculous, but there is a girl. Her husband is good friends with the OW. They have had many problems with husband's infidelity(not with my OW). Do you think when I call her that I can coax the truth out of her? Whether they have had sex. I think she would know because I think it is her husband's home he has been going to when he leaves.

It might a good idea to call her, but I wouldn't try to pump her for information. Ask for her support and see if she has any ideas on how to disrupt the affair.