X called to say DD's shoes didn't fit and if I returned her gymshoes she'd have shoes to wear. He demanded I bring shoes to school.
OK. He complained that the boots she wore didn't fit.They were fine yesterday. I ask him if he tried thinner socks.
So I arrived at school just as he pulled up. He's
just nasty to me. The tone of his voice is just bad.
I handed DD the shoes.
So he lays in about how I don't return shoes. I said,
if you'd have the kids wear the shoes from my house
home, then this wouldn't be an issue.
He's really pissed off about this or something else.
The attitude and tone makes him look like he's one
second off from flying off the handle. These are
shoes, not a crisis.
I asked him to stop speaking to me in that tone.
So he tells DD, I'm sorry you have parents like
this. (What is that about?)
The attitude is so poor. I have a headache now.

Can the X's who chose to leave be that miserable? If so, then maybe it really wasn't us.

Hah! I say life is not so good for him.
I think there is some misery and you are a fine target for him to take out his agression on.

I remember my x [then h] flying off the handle for simple things. I didn't realize it at the time what was going on. The lives that they have chosen must leave them with some turmoil in their souls. While we will never hear it, their actions speak loudly!

Not a good way to start your morning. Hope your day gets lighter!
K!

Oh the joys of exchanging clothes. I have gone round and round over this with my XH as well. You are so right, if they would send them home in our stuff it would end the issue.

Sounds like there is more to this than a simple pair of shoes. Like Karona said, it seems you were an easy target. Take comfort in knowing you no longer live with him and only have to deal with this on an occasional basis. You are so right, it obviously wasn't us.

Hope your day gets better! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care and God bless!

K

My ex-H is much MORE pleasant now that we're divorced.

He used to be sad and moody all the time. He'd whine, sulk, be passive aggressive...it was terrible. The only good times that were had were when we were with other couples. He'd clown around and I'd feel warmth toward him--but it just wasn't enough to maintain the relationship (among other problems--see my previous posts)...

Fast forward almost 3 years. We're divorced and I'm remarried. He's one of the most pleasant friends I have. We see each other about 5 times a year and when we do, it's always an enjoyable event. I like my life now--I enjoy my ex-H as the friend he should be, without having to deal with his moodiness and sulking--I get the best of him, while having a wonderful marriage with my Husband.

My ex-H is happy now, even though he wasn't the person who chose to leave (he faught tooth and nail NOT to leave)....

It's strange how things work out sometimes.

I suspect that your ex-H's bad attitude isn't about you....

I think you pegged it with that last line. He's not happy, has nothing to do with you, never did. We are all responsible for our own happines. He wasn't happy then, isn't now, won't be until he figures it out...for HIMSELF!

I don't like that he puts DD in the middle and says such things to her, that's not fair to her. Please don't get let him get you caught up in that!

I would just always try to be pleasant-the more pleasant the better. Otherwise you will feed on his need to bring people down to his level. You're better than that!

I spoke to DD's counselor last night and mentioned the exchange. She said DD has anxiety and depression which is likely hereditary. No medications at her age, but she said we'd really need to watch her when she hits puberty.

After this conversation, I go to pick up DD from school, and the first thing she said to me was "Mom were you crying when you went to work this morning?"
I felt bad that she saw how much his verbal attack hurt me.
Her counselor also said that I need to make sure DD knows I can take care of myself and I don't need her to defend with dad. Uggh.

[color:"blue"] Sounds like he was a miserable man to live with before and is still a miserable man.

My second ex was very aggressive like this. I finally realized that the easiest thing for my daughter was for me to buy more and replace anything that wasn't returned. It wasn't worth it to me to cause my daughter anxiety over her dad being a jerk about stuff coming and going.

DD was under strict instructions from her dad to return with anything she wore or played with. I just let her take anything and didn't ask for it if it wasn't returned. Then there was nothing for dad to argue about.

Take away the stick.

(ever hear that one? Woman goes to the top of a mountain to learn the meaning of life and meets a guru there. He agrees to teach her and every morning leaves her to meditate by herself. Every evening he comes back and asks her if she knows and when she replies "no", hits her with a stick. Finally one day he asked and she stood up and took the stick from him. If someone is beating you over the head with a stick - take it away.)

V. [/color]

I'm the bad guy here, I didn't return his shoes on time. I told him that she got to make her own choices at my house. My DD's get so tired of carrying the clothes bag on the bus, and to aftercare.

I laugh now because they have really nice ski jackets and their clothes are getting better. I never knew this man to go into a store or even a grocery store, so who is buying these nice things I wonder. Sometimes I see the kids in outfits that I know they would never wear - but they won't say anything to him about it.

I tell my girls all the time, that they are the greatest gifts ever.

Oh, last night we made gingerbread christmas trees (from the Wilton box kit with decorations). I am the worst artist imaginable. These look nothing like the photos on the box. They are so bad, that I burst out laughing. The kids think I'm nuts. I told them I hope they got an artistic gene from the other side, because I have none. Now, we'll just stare at these pathetic looking cookie
Christmas trees and just laugh. They are so awful looking.

Gosh, the exchanges are horrible. My exhusband somehow thinks his clothes are better than the ones I have so he INSISTS on getting everything of his back. Half of the time he sends them to my house in the crappiest things he has and they look like little vagabonds.

What's funny is that my new mother in law has showered them with clothes and shoes that are much nicer than the ones he buys! So, I don't argue with him, I just send them back in what they come in with a smile. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's really shocking to see so many stories of parents who use their children as "tools" even after the divorce.

Good lord--why can't the kids just wear the clothes they like, regardless of which parent purchased the clothes? It all seems so stupid...

Wouldn't life be wonderful if we could get the best interests of the kids on their agenda?

newly, I really feel for your daughter, she shouldn't have to hear any of this. Do let her know that you can take care of yourself (and then some <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />) so she doesn't feel responsible for taking care of you and once again thank God you are no longer with this man!

Your decorating skills seem comparable to mine, at least you took the time to do it. Good for you!

Take care and God bless!

K

Aeri, you are right. It's horrible. My lawyer warned me that my X considered the children as chattel - as in property. The clothes just become a big issue, and coats and gloves and just any little thing to attack the other person. Uggh.
My kids sometimes pick out the most horrible clothes to wear at my house, but I let them choose and they are happier and more comfortable.
Aeri, just wait until you have little angels. Your world will be turned upside down and you will wonder what you ever did with your time before them. I am utterly amazed by their existence every day. How can God create such perfect angels on earth? And how special am I to have the gift of having them in my life? We are all blessed. That's also why you hear parents fighting so hard for their children.

[color:"blue"]If daughter is tired of toting the bag I can think of maybe two solutions.

One would be to have her comfy clothes left by you at the aftercare, she changes there and next time dad picks her up, she changes into "dad" clothes.

The other scenario would be that your daughter tell her dad not to bug her about her clothes. (or she may not want to visit him any more)

Coming from you the request would be intolerable to your ex - coming from your daughter? He might get angry with her, I don't know. He might leave her alone.

V. [/color]

Here we go again. X faxed a letter to school with concerns about DD, and the school told him that if she was in imminent danger to call a doctor. I think they interpreted his words as she is a suicide candidate. He truly believes there is something wrong with this child because she doesn't behave to his norm. She's an amazing 8 YO girl who is very sensitive and struggles to process the divorce and her own feelings.

Now X has never bothered to talk to counselor or meet with counselor to discuss any issues, nor did he talk to her doctor about this. I had her tested last year because of his concerns, and she passed with flying colors and was more intelligent that even I expected.

He thinks there is something wrong with this child and demands someone "fix" her. But he won't do anything himself. My stomach is turning to think of how he acts around her since she doesnt' behave like her sister. All this 8 yo wants to affection and love from her father. On the few occasions we are together you can see how much she craves it - and yet he sits there with her in the room and says "there's something wrong with her".

Any suggestions guys? How can a father make their child feel so horrible. Her counselor said she's not ready to talk with all of us in the room. The counselor feels that she is intimidated by Dad, and won't talk in front of him.

Oh newly-

I read this and just wanted to cry. I really have no suggestions for you and my heart goes out to your little girl. Continue to do all you can for her and hopefully somebody can give your XH the two by four to the head that he needs.

You are in my prayers.

Take care and God bless!

K

Newly, I do feel for you, but don't have suggestions.

My xh treats my OD much the same. I blame it on the birth order. OD requires more attention, asks more questions, asks before moves, etc..
YD, takes life in stride, wise beyond her years, has so much common sense/wisdom etc...
The girls are just different, period.
As I'm sure your's are also.

My xh has very little tolerance for OD, and she feels it, while YD can do no wrong and he marvels at her walking across the room, so to speak.

An incident came up concerning x last year. OD, x and I had to go to counselor office for a meeting. I told my D I wanted to talk to x concerning issue she had with him, but she did not want me to, because of being intimidated by him. The issue came to head at a later date, and then it was more public than needed to be. All worked out well, thank goodness.
I understand the way your D is feeling. It sounds like your x is worse than mine, so I really feel for your situation. I'm sorry this man continues to do these things to your girls.

Take care Newly,
Karona