I am 35, been married almost 7 years, been with my H for 15 years. 3 daughters, 18, 13, & 4. 18 yr old is from previous marriage.
My story is pretty simple, really. I've been lurking here for a while, and finally decided to post. My H was involved in a "secret friendship" w/ two bi-sexual women he works with. The usual circumstances apply...neglecting eachother's needs for a long time...etc...DDay was back in October, (I had been informed by other co-workers of my H's that he was spending his lunches with these girls, not to mention that he suddenly started coming home 2-3 hours after clock-out for the previous 3 weeks, at least 4x per week.) I confronted him, he said that I should be thanking those girls for being there for him because I wasn't. I asked him not to ever speak to either of them again, to which he agreed.
The next day, I borrowed my mother's car and staked him out at work. (It's a factory, so I watched with binoculars during his lunch and after work.) Lunch went ok, but then after work, at least 15 minutes after everyone leaves, he strolled out. -Right behind those girls. I was down the road at the pizza joint watching. I followed him about 5 cars back as he drove in a big circle (obviously to avoid detection in case of a tail), and when he turned off I went around him. I drove on down the road, and eventually decided to turn around and go back. I couldn't tell if he had anyone in the van with him when I went around him, but I had a good idea of where one of them lives, so I decided to go back and take the back ways towards her house. I drove past our local Labor Ready, and lo and behold, there he was. One of them was in the front seat with him. I pulled up close so as to keep him from pulling out, and proceeded to get out of the car. I had all intentions of remaining cool, but all that went out the window when I saw her in the front seat of MY van with MY husband. I walked up to the front of the van and proceeded to say (in my most intimidating tone) "GET THOSE SKANKS THE F#$% UP OUT OF MY GOD-D#$% VAN NOW!!!!!" The two of them just sat there smiling, shaking thier heads at me. So, I repeated myself, and walked around to the passenger side, where I repeated my self again, only this time I directed to her instead of my H. I wanted her the ****** out of my van, and I was ready and willing to "help" her out of there if needed. At this point, my H locks the doors with his button. Still, they sat there. Smiling and shaking thier heads. So, I went back to my mom's car to retrieve my spare set of van keys. I was getting in there, and she was getting out one way or another. When I started to put the key in the passenger side lock, my H got out and came around to where I was. She feverishly tried to relock the door every time I unlocked it, and when my H got to me, he took me away from the van. He said "We're just smoking a joint", I said "You're just getting a divorce!", to which he replied "Good." I then said that those who&rs were coming up out of my van at this very minute, OR ELSE. He told me that the one in front was too scared to get out. I then offered to go and wait patiently in my mom's car (at least 3.5 seconds) to give her a chance (head-start) to get to safety. He then went back to our van and told her she needed to go, and that I'd wait to get out until she was safely to her truck. I yelled to them that they'd better run when they got out, so they quickened thier pace and took off. Then I followed my H home. We had a rough road for a week or so, I had to talk myself out of kicking him out, and he would have willingly gone, too. He was all ready to pack his bags & go. Said he was done a while ago. We have since decided to recover and rebuild. I have been checking out Dr. Steve's concepts, and went over to the college I attend to print some things out. H seems very receptive to his ideas. He insists that nothing ever happened between them, however,
he did confess to confiding marital trouble to them (those girls) and that he told them he was leaving. I was finally able to make him realize he was involved in an EA. Up until then, he denied any wrongdoing. The girl who was in the front seat of my van seems to have been fired...after being moved to another building. See, my H's boss had a problem with my H's actions, and felt that he was acting inappropriately with members of the opposite sex whom he was superior to in the food chain at thier factory. The day I busted them, half of the shop was there to see it go down, because half of my H's shops workers come from Labor Ready, including his "new friends". The rest of the shop was in line outside the place, which put them in some pretty good seats to enjoy THAT show! So, as you see, I was able to bust them AND expose them -AT THE SAME TIME!! My H got called into his bosses office again the next morning after he heard about the big BUST.(My H had denied the rumors his boss confronted him with previously) "I thought it wasn't true, Alan." is what he said to my H, and my H went on to deny further. Ohhhh, yes. And then there's this matter of the cute little note I found in his pocket that day. And I quote, "3 speed bumps and turn left, Cobus Green, if u ever want to stalk me..." Cobus Green is a local trailer park here. And, the note contained a wallet sized school picture of her 5 year old daughter. Supposedly, she's engaged, my H says. Phooey, I say. Well, now she no longer works there, and the other one does. My H doesn't speak to her, as he now knows not to, and I take him to work, go for his lunch, and pick him up after, EVERY DAY. Need SOMETHING to let that trust build back up off of, right? Lunch is the only time available to make conversation with ANYONE at this place my H works at, so I know he isn't able to talk to her anymore.
It's great that we're starting over and all, because I love him with all that I am, but it's so freakin' hard to when it still hurts so freakin' bad. He betrayed my trust, and it's been the most pain I've ever experienced. Why don't they understand that they don't have to stick thier [email]d@#k[/email] in someone else for it to be considered cheating? It's a horrible betrayal, either way...
At least my thoughts of suicide are starting to subside. I have gone through about 3 gallons of vodka in the last month or so, though...Sometimes I just need to ...you know...numb. I think there may be a problem, though, because now I'm hitting that damn bottle right after I get out of bed in the morning, and then all day long. I never was a drinker at all before this... He has a hrd time accepting that I have been significantly hurt, and doesn't understand how. He kept freakin' secrets from me, THAT'S why. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. Tryin' to keep on keepin' on.

First of all get rid of the vodka. It is not going to help you or your M. Ok it will bring you down further. You must start dealing with this and now. You need to make your home an inviting place for your H to come home to not someone who is drunk. Clean house, you looking good, meals cooked ect. You can not drive while drinking either. This will only bring more sorrow and a dui. So dump the booze. Go for help MC or IC. This is the best place for help and you are not alone. We are all in this together. There are alot of experienced people here who will help you out.

Whew! I'm cheering you on, monica was here. You are a force to be reckoned with.

Except for the vodka, though I can understand.

Now, like Realtor said, ditch the vodka. It is poison. It will suck your health and your energy. You need all your wits about you, all your health and strength to fight for your marriage. I won't repeat what realtor said about the other stuff to do, just say that she is right.

Excellent, powerful (and dramatic!) exposure and confrontation. You da woman!

Thanks guys. You know, I never used to drink at all. I was always the designated driver, because I didn't drink. I think I have seen it as something to ease my fears and dull my pain. You're right, though. I'll stop.
Oh yeah, and aparrently the one girl at his work, the one who was writing cute little notes to him, GOT FIRED! I guess management wasn't too comfortable with one of thier $7 an hour grunts chasing one of thier higher paid, MARRIED men around. Chalk one up for the good guys. People at his work also tell me that the other girl, the one who's still there, doesn't talk to him anymore because his wife scared the crap out of her & her friend. They thought I was gonna go all king-kong on 'em! Anyway, they are right to be afraid. Be very afraid. That's my husband, and I aint playin'.

Ok Monica - now you have to teach this man of yours what a friend ****** is and isn't. First of all if it something he can not share with you -do with you there then it is not to be done. If he has to hide things from you then he is cheating, lying and deceiving you. I don't care if it a friendship, drinking or drugs -he must tell alll - NO secrets period. He knows he is wrong and must tell all openly and honestly. One clue for you is a liar wiill not look you in the eyes. Tehy shift them around and look away. Another thing a liar does is tell you bits and pieces someone telling the truth relates things like a story. So that is a big help. Learn to watch and listen to his words. Be careful wtih your questions remain calm at all times. I am gald you have stopped drinking.

Had a bad night. Too emotional. Hit the bottle again (although I never got drunk), just trying to smoothe out the edges. He certainly is enjoying having all of HIS EN's met. His life is great, now. So, when are MY needs going to be considered?
HMPH!