(posted elsewhere, suggested to post here too)...



I've got an "on the rocks" marriage that I've been doing everything imaginable to get back on track, to no avail.

I have intercepted quite a number of emails between her and another man....these include emails planning evening meetings, personal e-cards, and other things...

I also know for a fact that she clears her cell phone history to remove his number from the listing...


My question is, do I "use" these items now to confront her with with I know, or do I "save my hand" for a future time?
(ie, for the lawyers, should it ever get to that point...)

My other concern is, once I let her see the information I have gathered, that my means of getting it will vanish...and limit my collection abilities down the road...

Thanks for any advice... I truely do want to save things, but for every 3-4 great days, there is 1 REAL bad one tossed in that seems to derail everything...and I'm about fed up with it....

First off...copy EVERYTHING you can. Print it out, email it to yourself, whatever you need to do in order to keep it on file for later. Make sure that there is no way she can find/access/delete this information.

Then, plan out what you're going to do before you do anything. Plan for all possible scenarios beforehand...if she admits to it, agrees to end it, etc..., plan for her denying and denying and denying, plan for her threatening to leave, etc...you get the idea. Try to have a good idea on what your responses will be for each general possiblity.

Next, confront her. Don't give her 'proof'...she already knows that she's having an affair. Simply tell her that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt what's going on between her and OM. Name him. Make it clear to her that she's 'caught'. Tell her you know what's going on, and that it needs to end right now. If she insists on proof, tell her no. Tell her that you've GOT the proof, but you've got no reason to give it to her...she already knows what she's done. Do NOT let her deny it tho either...

Don't expect her to act the way you might anticipate...most WS's get angry, belligerent, blame you, it's amazing how ugly they get when they're caught.

It's going to get a LOT worse before it gets better. But it can get better...read up on this site for exposure, plan A and B, etc...

Use the information to put Plan A into action. Lawyers are for later down the line when Plan B or divorce is inevitable. Exposure may be something you will have to do, but don't jump the gun on that one. If you do it, make sure you do it correctly by informing family members and friends so that it will make the A difficult to continue.

On the police force we used to use a great technique that is no secret, but EXTREMELY effective. Lay down your findings in front of her and tell her that you already know but you want her to tell her side of the story before anyone gets too excited. Guilt tends to lead them into confession becaue they assume you know (when you don't know everything) and they start to tell you more then you actually know. It takes a poker face so don't back down.

interestingly, most of that's been followed...

I have multiple backups of everything, including time-captured screen shots of animated cards between them - it's nice having 2 home computers, two offsite servers, and 2 office computers...

She HAS been confronted...this someone she's been friends with for longer than I've known here (we've been married 8 years). He went thru a divorce this summer. She IS in the denial stage...I challenged her BLUNTLY on Monday night (I have a dozen emails to back my info up) about her "meeting" that evening, and she did the angry/denial bit. (not the first time...this has been an ongoing issue for months...like 6+)

We did counseling...she "breezed" thru that like nuthin....lol Now, she keeps talking of time apart - IMO, that puts him at every advantage since she'll keep in touch with him and push me further back.

My expectation is she'll leave and spend some time at a friends (I already know they've talked, as recently as today on it). I'm at the point where I can't deal with the swings in my own emotions...work is worthless and sleep isn't coming either....

Good points tho, thanks....bottom line, I need to decide what I'm willing to go thru....and honestly, the answer I anticapate (her leaving) isn't one I'm ready for yet....

Yes, the laying it down in front of them works great. My wife and I always did that to our daughter and she always came clean. We put down a pack of cigaretts in from of her once and she said, "how did you know I was smoking?" We said we didn't, but we do now.

Has the affair been exposed? (to others)

Is OM married?

And Pep has asked the million dollar question...if you've confronted her and she swears it's all on the up and up....then why should she mind if you share your information with all of your family and friends? (The truth is, she'll be furious...but then she'll no longer be able to deny the affair, which makes it MUCH harder for them to continue with it)

actually, her friends "know" but not to the extent that I do ie: details...interestingly, when I'm outta town, he magically shows up (ie: her ladies pool league) The funny part is, they ALL hate him...but I believe she paints a different picture of our relationship and of theirs to them (no surprise)

Family has been left out for now...

OM...apparrently I need to check on my acronym's here...lol...but he's divorced as of this summer...

I'll think on this for a day-two, and collect my "paperwork"....it may be time to just hand it all to her and let her soak it up...and deal with the fallout.

Exposure is sharing that information that you know that your wife is keeping from them...that she and this other man (OM) are being emotionally intimate. I had thought that this was an online type romance...but from the sounds of it, it appears that they've had the opportunity to make this a PA (physical affair) as well.

Install a keylogger on your computers, so that if she changes her password or email accounts, you'll still have the new account/password information. Do this before you do anything.

When you 'expose' to family and friends, let them know that she's behaving in an inappropriate manner...that she's calling this guy a LOT, but erasing his number so you don't see it, that you know that she's setup meetings with him without telling you, that she's romantically involved with him...make it clear that you're telling them this so that they'll let her know how wrong all of this is and that they'll help you to do whatever you can to end this EA (emotional affair) and work on repairing your marriage. See about finding out information about OM, and expose to HIS family and friends too.

Do this with ANYONE who can put pressure on your wife for her poor behavior.

Are you in good shape with your wife's parents? Do they think highly of you?

If "yes" ... give them a call next week. "I am calling with sad news. (wife) is having an affair with a married man .... he says he is getting a divorce. I do not want a divorce. I love (name) ... I want to work things out with (name) ... but her affair is so destructive. I need your support."

If she gets wise to your snooping there are other alternatives. Go to Radio Shack and purchase a $50 or so Voice Activated DIGITAL voice recorder with cash (so there is no record of it, if you get caught deny, deny, deny as it may not be legal in your state). Hide the recorder in the house and/or in her car. You'll get all the information you'll ever need or want.

Plus it sounds like you've already got keylogger so you can bust her with her emails and act like you just accessed her email account (if she constantly erases incoming emails you just act like you set up a pop server to copy all emails to a dummy account) then you can indicate you won't do it anymore. She'll have no idea you are still keylogging her. If you get caught the recorder will give you enough anyway.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

Well, I think you have done all the snooping you need to prove the affair. You say you have e-mails, she is seen in public with him and so on. Only suggestion I would add is to contact his former wife. Why did he divorce? Did she possibly get enough of him having an affair?

Read up on Plan A and Plan B. Then set your boundaries. If your wife were so gung-ho on leaving you she would have done so a long time ago. After all – the OM is “true love” (yeah right...). Actions are harder than words. Leaving a marriage is harder than just saying it.

One of the “exiting” things in the affair is the planning, secrecy and suspense. Once you set your boundaries and expose the affair so much of that disappears. It’s no longer talk about a “cute little condo” but all about real things like custody, division of assets, explaining to family and so on.

Please do not make the mistake we men so often make: Do not make leaving you easy.
Do not leave the house. If you have kids do not allow WW to take them out of the house. If she does not want to respect your boundaries then she leaves and she leaves alone. Do not allow her to tae property out of the hose other than her clothes... basically be loving to her when she respects your boundaries and do all you can to get over this but NOTHING to make it easier for her to either keep on with the affair or leave you.

There is basically no such thing as a civilized divorce. The chances of being “friends” after a divorce caused by an affair are slim and really not worth betting on.

Mind you – I am not telling you to divorce her! I am telling you that you have to set your boundaries and be prepared to enforce them. At that time SHE will threaten the D and demand YOU leave. When you are prepared for that reality will set in for her.

thanks for the replies...a few comments...

her parents passed away before we ever met, she's the baby of 6 in her family. Interestingly, it's a largely disfunctional family with a couple multiple divorces and such...

Her email is all thru her office computer...since I manage her web/network, I have full remote access - password changes go thru me. I'm also able to read her mail thru a online account at any time. I also have full backups of her Outlook Express folders and have set up the options to not delete messages. (latest full backup was 12/12)

She never uses the home computers.

To make a mess bigger, they "work together"...he/his company receives commission from her/her company - in fact, he's one of her larger accounts. This also means they each have the "office freedom" to come/go as they please.

proof is not really the issue, the question is with regards to confronting options.....

I did something subtle this morning....cleared her emails and he had sent her a few jokes. I downloaded one (pretty funny actually) and kept the identical subject line...and sent it to her. We'll see if that gets her thinking or not...

Another thot I had last night...he sends his "personal" emails with a common subject line theme (month/day, that's all). I may send her an email over the next few days with a similar setup, making her start thinking more about how much I really do know...maybe I'll even start that today....hhhmmmm

again, thanks for all the comments, suggestions, and support.

I wouldn't do that if I were you Wisc...don't tip your hand until you're ready to lay it out on the table. If you start dropping hints that you know, she's going to deeper under cover.

If you feel you've got enough information to expose this to her friends and any other family, I would do so. I'd also consider doing to to her boss...it sounds to me like this SERIOUSLY crosses legal lines if he's one of her accounts!!!

So this would force her company to take action to remove her from contact with him.

Again, if you have enough information, I would expose to all of the appropriate people FIRST...then let your wife know that you know what's going on. If you tell her first, she'll warn him, and they'll manage some damage control (possibly even making you out to look like an idiot or worse).

And when you tell your wife that you exposed what was going on, make sure you tell her WHY...because you truly believed that she'd continue lying to you about this and continue the affair...and you have GOT to stop the affair in order to fix the issues in your marriage.

Hopefully you'll get some more expert advice here as well.

Wisc,

Okay. Are you ready to get busy? Here goes....

1. Never, ever tell her what you have or how you know. Why? Because you will need those sources through Plan A and Plan B in order to keep uptodate on what she is doing.

2. Vehicle tracker. Put it on her car. They have the ones now that you can see live updates on where she is at any time of the day.

3. Voice recorders. Mr. W hit the nail on the head. Get a couple. Place one in the car, and a few around the house in key places where you knwo she talks.

4. Hire a PI. Do this after you know when they mostly meet. That is why you have the tracker. Shoot, my wife's OM even had a tracker on his vehicle, so we could keep tabs on when their vehilces met up. Once you know when they are most likely to meet, then have the PI go and get evidence. You will save money this way, as he will only go when the best times are. You will need the PI's info for court, if it comes to that.

5. Do you have kids? If so, be ready to fight for custody. If you arent the primary person taking care of them, then start now!! I'll wait to see if you do have kids in order to add more (no sense wasting time here if you dont).

6. Start a journal. Write EVERYTHING down that has to do with you, her, the family. Document every conversation you have with her.

7. Stay calm and consistent. When you tell her something, act matter-of-factly. Do you play poker? If so, then you know the concept of bluffing. I am NOT saying to lie!! I am saying that you couch your statements in such a way that she thinks you know more than you do. Example:


Do you see? In this way, she will nto know if she is being followed, photographed, emails checked...whatever. She will be in a constant state of anxiety while in the affair. Always looking over her shoulder. This is a VERY good thing, as it causes stress on the affair.

8. Expose, expose, expose. When you expose, just say matter of factly that you have now proven that your wife is having an affair with Mr. [censored]. Send an email or letter to her boss, his boss, her family, her friends. Put in there that you absolutely know that the relationship is not just a freindship. Also put in there that you love yoru wife and want to save your marriage.

-----------------

Okay, there's a start. Time to get busy. You have a lot of work to do. You need to pressure their relationship thru intel gathering and exposure. You need to meet her top ENs in order to deposit love units and build them up for you. You need to expose the relationship for what it is...a sleezy affair, so that the light of day will shine on the cockroaches.

Time to get busy.

In His arms.

some comments....

she owns her own business, and he is a partner in his (4 person office). "telling the bosses" doesn't mean squat.

also, no kids...just stuff...

the journal started a few months ago, and I'm improving at making consistent entries



good thoughts to, more to ponder on....

[color:"purple"] damn! [/color]

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> I did not know that!

Is your wife now aware of this?

Yes. POed her and OM to no end. She used to say "You hunted me liek some animal. There really wasnt one minute of my day that you didnt knwo what I was doign, was there?"

My answer? "Nope. I pretty much knew everything."

The trackers would show exactly when and where they would meet. then a quick call to the PI, he would drive over, sit outside and monitor where they were, take pictures as they left. Open and shut case.

Did I know everything? No. Sometimes, should would just tell me thinking I already knew everything.

Anything wrong with this Pep??

You know, my wife's OM was the owner of his own business and was already divorced. I had plans (but did not implement them...did not need to) where I had a whole bunch of people volunteer to go carry placards outside of his business saying "the owner of this business is engaging in adultery. He is destroying a family with three small kids." Something like that.

People said I could be sued. For what? Telling the truth?

In His arms.