My story is no different than most here. I'll just hit the highlights. Married happily (so I thought) for 5 years, one child, just built a brand new home, and 22 days later, my husband says it's over. I had no idea. He had never mentioned any problems. I had left the house an hour earlier, kissed goodbye, and then when I came home, my world ended. He says there is no chance of reconciliation. He says he has felt this way for a long long time, but never said anything. Now, here I am with a mortgage I can't pay and a child to raise. I love him dearly and want to resolve this. He says there is no one else, that he is doing this for the possibility of someone better. So, my question... what is Plan A and Plan B. I've seen it mentioned in several posts. Is it something I can try to save this marriage? Is there anything I can do, anything. I am willing to accept divorce, but only if we try everything we can to heal the marriage and spare my child from this emotional trauma. What should I do? Since we have a huge mortgage and can't afford for him to get his own place, we still live in the same house (it's been about 2 weeks since the announcement). But he can't handle the stress of being there so most often he leaves and stays at work. He usually comes home, plays daddy, eats dinner, does the nite-nite, and then leaves. Right now I'm walking on needles and not doing anything. Any advice would be welcomed!

Welcome to Marriage Builders, please take some time to read through the Basic Concepts, in there you will find informaiton about Plan 'A' and Plan 'B'. Plan 'A' is to basically selflessly fill up your spouses love bank, which is what you should try doing and Plan 'B' cuts communication when they are standing on the fence but doesn't really work unless you've done a good Plan 'A'.

Now as you can see from my registered date, I've been here for a day or two and many of us have heard the same story over and over again. Heck, I had the same story and called Dr. Laura, her first comment to me was "Who's the other guy?".

So I'm asking you "Who's the other woman?" or have you just been so neglectful that he's empty. I strongly encourage you to do some serious leg work to get to the root of the problem. Check e-mail accounts and computer history. Check cell phone records. Have someone tail him to find out where he's going and if someone else is showing up there.

I'm almost sure he is having an affair. Check out people he works with, his computer useage, and cell phone. If he was having doubts, he wouldn't have bought the house.

He has probably met someone innocently and is in the throes of an affair. Read about Plan A, and start doing the things it suggests.

Also you need to do some recon and figure out if he is cheating.

I know everyone will say that I'm being niave, but I truly do not beleive there is actually someone right at this moment. There may be a thought or attraction, but not an actual person. I know that I may very well eat my words, but right now, I beleive. Heck, it'd be easier if there was someone to fight rather than the vision of someone better. He says he built the house because he thought it would help us. Like throwing gas on a fire??? Building a house is one of the most stressful situations and ours was beyond horrible. His reasons for leaving are incompatibility, bitterness, controling. Some of it I can see (to a small extent), and had he talked to me, I would have tried to do better, but other things I just don't see. The problem is that he's been holding this stuff in for a long time (so he says) and I think it grew into more than it really was. Can anyone provide any guidance on saving a marriage that isn't being wrecked by adultry?

Yes, read up on the plan 'A' thing under the basic concepts but at the same time do the recon..... Do you know how many times I've heard this:


About a million, I swear, and in 99.7635215% of the cases there seems to be someone waiting in the wings. Many of us come here thinking we are the exception but sadly most are mistaken.

Impliment a Plan 'A' and meet what needs he'll let you. Suspend all relationship talks. Do not beg. Do not plead. Look happy when you see him. Be attractive to him. And investigate.

CRUMBLE, CRUMBLE, CRUMBLE... that's me eating my words. Rumor mill has it that there is another woman. No proof yet, it may just be an EA at this point, but I can see it now.

They go down good with a piece of humble pie.... Whether it's EA or PA, recon is the word of day. Yes it could be a rumor, but find out more and more and more. Is this rumored chic married? Does she work with him? And on and on and on. Arm yourself with knowledge quickly, do not confront your hubby with it until you decide what you want to do. Then if you want to save your marriage. Exposure will be your next step. That is when you bring everything to light to anyone who has influence over your hubby or the OW.....

OW works directly with him. Just left her husband several months ago. I had her on my mind as a good match (same interests, etc., but had no idea she had left her husband). Then, it started adding up and I hit the redial last night and her's was the last number called. I haven't found any other proof. Other co-workers are starting to talk about the amount of time they spend together, but that doesn't mean they are having an EA or PA (I'm not defending, I'm saying that's what he'll say). How does this fit in with Plan A. Do I confront or do I pretend I don't know and try to build up his bank. Which I can't figure out how to do, as he is no longer spending time in the home except with our daughter.

First of all, read through the basic concepts. There are needs that you can meet when he’ll let you, such as admiration/conversation/family commitment…etc… So do those. When y’all talk, NO LOVE BUSTERS. No disrespectful judgments, no angry outbursts…. Again, no begging, pleading, and without more knowledge NO CONFRONTATION. Does he have a cell phone? If he does, get your hands on the bill. Do you have access to any e-mail? Where is he staying? Do you have someone who could do a couple drive by’s to see if he’s there alone? Pictures can say a 1,000 words…..

At some point, you may receive some help from her hubby but you really need to know that there is more than ‘just a friendship’ going on. So if you like get the cell bill and see that he’s called her 500 times a month, then I would call him and share your knowledge to see what he knows.

Also at some point you are going to have to make a decision as to whether you are going to stand for your marriage or not. If you are and you get enough knowledge that something is going on, then you expose in one swoop. Affairs, whether EA or PA, feed on secrecy, so you take away their food source. That they work together makes exposure should it come to that as a more powerful tool depending on what kind of company they work for.

First, thank you for all your support. It's unbeleive how a group of strangers can offer more to me than my own family or friends. I appreciate your honesty, and thanks for not saying I told you so.

I can already hear H's defenses when/if the exposure occurs. I'm wondering how you would handle his perspective that he left me first and then started the relationship. I beleive it was there as an EA, and once he cleared the way, it has moved to a PA. But how do you respond to the I had already left you so this is okay (even though we are actually married so it isn't okay).

Thing you have to remember about these strangers is that many of us are certified members of the "Been There Done That Club". We can relate to the pain, confusion, and all the other emotions.

As for his perspective, slow down and don't think that far ahead. Find out what is truly going on, make a decision, make a plan, and follow through...