Hi.

I have been married for 14 years and we have two children together. We have been separated for the past 11 months and working on the finalization of our divorce. I really do not want it, but feel like I have no choice my soon to be ex just does not say anything about wanting to give it a try.

During the past year my husband has been involved on and off with another woman. This is most of problem not being able to trust him with her or anything about her. He has told me that the relationship with her will not work and there is too much baggage with them, but I still feel he wants to be with her and not me. One of our problems in marriage was the lack of sex - I had two young children and one who was really demanding so I admit I fell short in this area and have said so.

We actually were intimate last Saturday and I was sort of hoping this would spark something in him and while he was OK with it on the day. He talked to me the next day and then on Monday he started to ignore me and then nothing for the past two days. Usually when he acts this way it means that she has called him up and they are now talking again so I get the boot.

I am holding on to the small hope that he will wake up and realize what he is about to lose but that does not seem to happen yet. Am I just being used while she is out of the picture and then when she is back he really wants to be with her.

This just hurts so much because it is something that I really do not want, but feel like Ihave no choice in the matter. Lat time my husband and I had a conversation I did ask him if a divorce is what he wants, does he want to be married and if he could be with anyone who would it be. He answered I do not know to all the questions. But I have had this answer for the last 18 months and he still has not figured it out yet.

Is there anything I can do or is the hope gone and I just need to let go and move on - as painful as it will be.

Thanks for listening I am just hurting right now.

I would stop having Sf with him until he does know which may never happen. I meran why keep doing this to yourself. Set your boundries. MC and NC letter. Proof that it is really over.

You sound like me. After 16 years of marriage I left him, bought my own home and moved me and the kids out. 8 months into the legal separation and no advancement toward reconciliation, I met someone while out of town. This person lived 12oo miles from me, so the only relationship was by phone. When H found out about the other man, he dedcided that he wanted his family back and began changing and begging me to give it another chance. I eventually sold my house and he rented his and we bought another home together, but he never would letup the verbal and emotional abuse about the other man. So here I sit another yr down the road, in a big house alone as I found out he has AW. Its the most painful thing I have ever gone through. I obsess about where "they" are and what "they" are doing. He also asked me to have relations with him yesterday, "one last time" he said. I declined, based on the aforementioned fact that he has a GF. What are they thinking? How is it possible to hate and love someone so much at the same time? We are trying to remain friends and I will sell the house after xmas, but right now its all I can do to hold it together. Kids ages 16 and 9 are releived that the fighting is over, but how do you pick yourself up after 17 years and just start over, when that's all you've known for so long? I have way more questions than answers, thats for sure.

Go with your gut on this one, as hard as it is, look to those around you for strength, ****** and high water wont keep him away from her, its a rush they look for. The hurt for me is so deep, even if he did come back, I wouldn't be able to forgive him now. Watch out with the intimacy, you dont want to end up with something you didn't bargain for, you're worth more than that. Don't even put yourself in her league. Ask God for help, if you believe in that sort of thing and start beliveing that you are worth something and that there is someone else out there for you that deserves you. Keep in touch.

You all sound like me.

After 15 years of marriage, 20 years living together, I asked H to leave in Aug. of 04 because I felt there was nothing left. He suffers from depression, and that exaggerated some addicitve behaviors - he became a very miserable and verbally abusive person.

My divorce became final last week. He never approached me to reconcile, but I did approach him. I did have a relationship during separation but that showed me that I wanted H back - but not until HE does some serious work on himself. He has a g/f across the country (online) who he happened to bring into town the week of the divorce (coincidence probably - he isn't one to remember dates)... she was here all last week. He spent the entire week working his day job and at a client of our jointly-owned business all but 2 of the evenings she was here, and one of the "free" evenings was spent with me at our daughter's concert. Lovely time his g/f must have had... rummaging through all his stuff while she was stuck in his apartment... but I digress...

I totally know how you feel about clinging to hope - I am there and am trying to let go of that and just focus on myself and my children. IF my XH gets his head out of his hiney at some point and decides to make some serious changes to earn back what he's thrown away - I'd certainly entertain it - but at this point there are still too many deal-breakers in him. He told me it was over... end of story - but even last week he'd told me he had considered reconciliation, even had "hope in his heart to come home someday" but then in another paragraph of the same email he told me how much he and g/f are in love... he's one confused man.

I wouldn't have SF with him if he came to me now - not only for emotional reasons - he's not ready to commit to me again - but for health reasons - who knows anything about his g/f? He's fixed so I doubt that condoms were on his shopping list and the last thing I'd want is a surprise STD... and you need to consider that if your H has had AW -- you just never know - when you have unprotected sex you are essentially sleeping with every partner that your partner ever had. It's just not worth the risk.

I'm sorry that you're going through this - I'm on the same road as you - so please try to take some comfort in knowing you aren't alone.

I still love my (ex)Husband with all my heart - but it can never be as it was again. Perhaps someday he may change - but perhaps not. Meanwhile I just have to muddle through doing my best, doing things for myself and for my kids and let him get on with it. It's hard not to wonder what "he" or "they" are doing - I know all about that too... but it makes a bit easier if you can let it go.

I have found a lot of comfort here - and in prayer. Prayer is a wonderful healer, giver of comfort and hope. Give your burdon over to God and let Him sort it out for you.

Everything happens for a reason - and while we may not see it right away, God has a plan for us... have faith in that and do your best each day and you WILL come through this.

Peace

H2U