The calling card calls (see topic here) have me thinking that it is time to implement Plan B.

To that end, I have begun preparing for implementation of Plan B. A first step is to confirm that the calling card calls are indeed to the Other Man. S has been very careful with her cell phone usage as she knows I monitor it. The calls from home are infrequent and I suspect that she may be using the calling card from other locations (payphones) to stay in contact with him. My plan is to monitor all calls to and from the house phone for the next several weeks to see if I can confirm the calls.

Meanwhile I have started to draft my Plan B letter and cover letters to the Other Man, my in-laws, and the Other Man’s parents. These are very difficult to write; but, strangely, there is a sense of relief in having a plan of action. I am no longer afraid of her leaving and see it is a radical, but potentially marriage-saving step. It is my hope that she will come to realize that I meet her needs better than the Other Man and that she will want to save our marriage.

This will be extremely difficult for the children and under no circumstances will I implement Plan B until after the holidays. I have to think through a lot of practical considerations including finances and work/school schedules to keep the children on track with their lives.

Any advice on handling practical issues of finances and childcare?

Please post the letters here for review BEFORE you send any of them.

Here is the letter to my wife. It is closely based on one I found here in the forums.

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Dearest S,

This is one of the hardest letters I’ve ever written. It is with heavy heart that I sit here and put my thoughts and feelings to paper. It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and to us. The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation. Let me explain.

I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I have made many mistakes in the past that can not be changed. What I have been able to do is recognize those errors in judgment and have learned from them so that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I was selfishly caught up in myself, and with my selfishness and foolishness I helped create a void in our marriage that helped allow this affair to happen. I now clearly see many of those things I was lacking in. I just didn’t understand how important it was to us.

I did not understand what it took to have a successful and fulfilling relationship, or how to meet your needs; including not meeting your need for a healthy, physically attractive spouse. I can not sit here today and say that I know all that I need to know about relationships but I can honestly say that I have learned a lot. I want to learn even more about how to be a supportive and loving man. The type of man that I hope you would be proud to call your husband; the same pride I felt so many times when I called you my wife.

Since February and especially since that awful day in June, I’ve been trying to give you hope for the marriage by learning how to be a better husband to you; to give you hope that you could return to a marriage that you wanted, and for us to build our family together. But the past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only saving grace is the memory of the love we once shared, of all the good times we have spent together, your extraordinary qualities that led me to ask you to spend your life with me and thoughts of us being together, someday happy again. Unfortunately, I now find those thoughts and feelings eroding away. Before I lose any more of these thoughts and feelings of what was once us, I must take some drastic steps.

S, I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I simply can not continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with D. It has become too painful. We can only rebuild our marriage together when you completely end your relationship with D.

Until that point, I feel I must break off all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. To this end, I feel it is best that you find another place to stay while I stay in our home with our children. I do not wish for your bond with the children to suffer and I will be as flexible as possible with visitation, but I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. I would also like any regular communications between us to be handled through a mutual friend or relative of your choice. If you have any emergency matters, you may call or email me.

I hope that you understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my feelings for you. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know the torturous pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with D. I simply cannot be in contact with you any longer, knowing that you and he are together. This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to avoid losing any more of the things we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery!

I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to permanently separate from D and are willing to construct a plan to ensure a total separation. Until that time I will continue to pray for our family and us.

In my mind I will keep the vision of a happy and loving family where our needs are being met and of a relationship that no others could come between. I know it can happen! I still love you today; I just can not be with you or help you as long as you are still involved with D.

Your loving husband,

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I expect that there will be an "addendum" to deal with some of the practicalities of finances and such.

Next is a cover letter to my in-laws. This will be sent with a copy of the letter above. You see, aside from my wife and I there are only three other people who know of the affair: a coworker of my wife that she confided, my physician and my pastor in whom I confided. So this will be a major bombshell for my in-laws. I am very close to my in-laws (closer to them than to my own parents I would say) and they see my wife and I as having a very stable, loving marriage.

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Dear Mom and Dad,

I hope that after you read the enclosed letter I am still permitted the privilege of addressing you as Mom and Dad. No matter the outcome, I will always consider you to be on equal footing with my own parents. You have been a huge part of my life and I thank you for your loving example and support.

As you will gather from the enclosed letter to S, we are struggling with a serious threat to our marriage. As I hope the letter makes clear, I love S with all my soul and am very much dedicated to restoring my marriage. I simply must separate from her to protect these loving feelings from further erosion. If I do not take this step there will be no foundation left on which to rebuild.

Please know that, no matter how this works out, if there is ever anything that you need that is within my power to provide you need only ask.

With love and deepest respect,

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So, there you go. I am also working on cover letters to the OM and to his parents.

Feedback? Thoughts on practical issues like finances?

F4L,

I think both letters are well done. If there is any editing to do make it shorter. As for financial, issues add it as an addendum as you mentioned, but also make a few suggestions if you have any for an intermediary while in plan B.

Your letter to your in-laws is very good. You cannot emphasize enough that you love their daughter, and you want the marriage to work.

Hang in there, this will take awhile to work out.

God Bless,

JL

F4L,
I hope you don't mind, but I was so moved by your letter that I used it for a template to send mine to my WH...He moved our Christmas night--very ugly scene...but it had been building for these past 6 mos since dday--no effort on his part--except OW is not involved (lives in another state and nc since July). I could no longer deal with his anger and resentment on a daily basis...anyway, I just wanted you to know I wish you the best and your letter really touched me...good luck!
In Pain

In Pain,

I do not mind at all and I am sorry for your situation. I have not yet given my W the letter. Things have been going reasonably well recently. I have it ready though and I will give it to her if there is further contact with the OM

God Bless,

F4L,

Those are great letters. Did you give them to your WS? Did you send a letter to the om's parents?

DeeGee,

Been away from the forum for a while.

I did give my wife the Plan B letter on January 9. I found out that she had been having contact with the OM since September. I did not send a letter to the OM's parents but I did call his mother and tell her what was going on.

From my blog for that day:

Black Monday

So the call was to him. They talked about his work and about a missed get-together on Friday. She went to his house but he had been called in to work. He left a sticky-note on the front door that his Mom apparently picked up before S got there. They joked about how at least the note was not anything that would be embarrassing for Mom and how it could have been quite awkward had S and the Mom met.

They also discussed a possible meeting on Wednesday and the conversation that S and I had over the weekend about when to tell A and how we would go on. It was extraordinarily painful to listen to them talk.

Hearing the call pushed me over the top. I had a copy of the Plan B letter in my truck and I put it, along with my wedding ring, into an envelope and went to her work. I walked in, placed the envelope on the counter and said, “I know everything” and walked out.

She followed me into the parking lot begging me to talk to her. I told her that I was done, that I knew about him calling her at work and her calling him from our home; about the missed meeting on Friday and the planned meeting on Wednesday. I told her I had known since September (the phone records show the calls going back to September) and that I was tired of the lies and that I wanted her out of the house tonight.

She tried to block me from getting into my truck, I had to move her out of my way and she fell. I got into my truck and locked the door. She shouted for me to roll the window down and I told her no, I did not want any more of her lies. I was done. I told her to get out of the way, started the truck and drove away.

S tried to call my phone several times but I refused the calls each time. She left a couple of voice mails that I did not respond to. I called the OM and told him that I had asked her to leave and that he had ruined the lives of two great kids. Then I called his mother. She was the sweetest lady and I told her, as gently as I could, that her son had been having an affair with my wife for over a year. She was shocked and apologetic. She was so caring. She agreed to pray for me and do what she could.

I was in shock. Even though I was pretty sure what was going on, the proof of it still shocked me. I started driving back to work intending to e-mail my in-laws a copy of the letter. I got to work when my father in law called me. S had called him and told him everything. He was so sorry and wanted me to come to their house. I told him I didn’t know what I would do.

I called my boss and told him that I would be out for the rest of the day to attend to a personal matter. Then I started driving north toward my in-laws.

On the way my father in law called and told me that S was worried about me and that she was trying to contact me. I told him that I was not taking her calls and that I could not talk to her right now. He again invited to come to their home and told me that S was going to bring the kids up there. I said that if that was where she would be, then I should be somewhere else.

I called my friend M at this point. I was an emotional wreck and having no close friend locally, reached out to one of the very few people in this world that I trust. He was there for me and assured me that I would get through this and that I do have someone that cares.

S left a voice mail telling me that she was going to tell the kids and that I should come home if I wanted to be there. I texted a message to her saying that I was on my way.

Shortly before I got home she called again. This time I answered. She asked me to come home so that we could talk. She talked about how long we had been together and how she did not want this to end. I told her that there was nothing left anymore, that she had used it all up. I was so angry; angrier than I have ever been in my life. I was a couple of blocks from home and told her that I would be there in a couple of minutes.

When I arrived I stopped outside the front door. She asked if I was going to come in. I asked if I needed to have a cop there. She asked if I was going to hurt her. I said no, but I did not want to get into a nasty custody battle and be accused of slapping my wife around, so did I need a witness? Finally I went in.

What followed was the most gut-wrenching experience of my life. She and I went at it. We were both shouting, she was crying, on the floor on her knees, begging. Telling me she loved me, I told her not to use that word with me because she obviously had no idea what it means. She offered to move away to get away from him, to go away with me for a week to re-connect. I told her that it would not be fair to uproot our kids from their schools and friends because she could not control herself.

I told her that I thought the she figured that I would never have enough guts to kick her out; that she would always be able to “control” me. I told her that I was not afraid of a life without her; that I was stronger now and that if I allowed her to stay it be my choice.

When she was on her knees on the floor crying and begging I said that I had been on my knees begging for my marriage for the last year. I told her that I had given her love and that she had ripped out my soul. She told me how she had always been there for me and I said no, 2 weeks after I hit the lowest point of my life, when I lost my job, she began her affair with him. How is that being there for me?

She promised to work harder; to do all of the work to repair this. To please not end it. I told her that I had called the OM and that I had called his mother. She was clearly very angry with me for calling his mother. She said that his mother was not a part of this; that she was just living her life and that I should not have involved her. I told her that he needed to feel some of the pain that he had caused. In my mind it would not be fair for him to get off without some damage. If he had a wife, I would have called her.

My resolve began to weaken. God help me, I love this woman. At times like these I don’t know why. She had cut me so deeply… again. My soul was battered and bleeding, yet I still felt love for her.

My daughter arrived home from school and we had to deal with that. I explained to A that S and I were dealing with some issues in our marriage and that I had asked S to leave the home. A pressed for more answers. I tried to make her see that if she was going to be angry and upset it needed to not be focused on only one of her parents, but both. That S and I had both contributed to the current situation. A kept pressing and finally S admitted that she had had an affair. A was crushed. She was so angry at S.

I think that this may have been the most difficult moment for S. Their relationship had been strained for a long time and had only recently began to improve. A yelled at S that she had done something to damage the family. A went into her room and began making plans to spend the night at a friends house.

My mother-in-law arrived after picking C up at school. We explained to C that S and I had had a big argument and that we were trying to figure out what to do. C and I went into my bedroom to let S and her Mom have some time.

I had calmed down significantly at this point and I relented. I want so much to believe that S means it this time that she wants to repair our relationship. I told her to stay; that we would keep trying. She is very worried about her relationship with A. Understandably as A is a hard person to gain forgiveness from. I feel worst about this.

Still, as excruciating as it was, I can’t help but feel that the disclosure will be a good thing. Letting others know that we are struggling will enable them to help.

Before hearing the call I thought that I could live with it. That as long as things were reasonably stable at home that I could tolerate knowing until A went away to school. Once I heard the call, I knew that I could not; that I should not.

I am not proud of what I did; tapping my wife’s phone. I am truly not proud of it and wish that I had not done so. Ignorance may have been bliss. She is in love with him. She told me so. I know from her journal that she is not in love with me and has not been for some time now. Maybe I should have just let her go… maybe there is no hope… maybe there is just too much damage done… maybe it is too late for us.

In the end, I let her stay and we talked late into the night. She told me again that she was in love with him. That she would, for the sake of the family, bury those feelings and work to repair the damage. She agreed to no contact and to counseling and to focusing her energy on the family and our relationship. I want so badly to believe her yet I know that she will never feel for me what she felt for him.