I have been posting on the divorced/divorcing forum but I have a quick question that urgently needs a response. My WH is moving back into the house on Monday, he is away for work. (Yes, he really is.) Whenever I talk to him on the phone, I want to ask him about the OW. Has she tried caling, have you tried calling her, what does she look like, etc. Are these questions that I am allowed to ask, meaning is this only going to hamper the recovery process? I feel like I am badgering him by asking him all the time, but he says that it is the hardest part, not calling her. And what is he going to do if she calls him? He says that he wouldn't answer, and that he would tell me that she tried to call. I want to believe him so badly, but I still feel the need to ask him. How long does this go on for me? How long will it take him to be over her? Thanks for the help, I am very fearful that something will happen during this trip.

truecrimson, I would get as many questions answered as possible before he moves back in. Of course you have a right to ask these questions, this is all pertinent information about your marriage to which you have a right to know.

I would suggest that you be a little more cautious about letting him just move back in, lest you end up in a false recovery. What is his plan of recovery? Will he send the OW a no contact letter telling her what a dreadful mistake the affair was?

Here is a sample:

Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Here is a good article that should help. How affairs should end: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Your H needs to take every possible precaution so she can't get ahold of him. You will feel much better when this is done. Yes, he can still contact her if he chooses, but it's much easier to choose the right thing when the wrong thing isn't calling you every day bugging and begging.

It depends on how long the A lasted for how long it will take him to withdraw. You have a right ot ask questions of him. Now what I would do is write them down. Get you thoughts down. He needs to be totally honest with you at this point and you 2 need to go to MC. I always want to know what this OW looks like but have never had a straight answer. Now that mine is over her he says she is not good looking -in the beginging he told she was not good looking and than said she was good looking. It really does not amtter. Why did they break up? Did they have problems? It takes awhile for the fog to clear. Remember you still have to plan A. Now one strong word of caution do not jump back into bed with him. Both of you must be ck'd for STD's. Ok -Read the thread here about the risk of STD's from an A. One writer here has withheld SF and did have a one night with he H. He since has come down with gentila warts. So I caution you on this. It is recovery that I think is the hardest thing. Did you get the book HN/Hn and get theone on surviving an affair. Please these are a great help.

Thanks for soooo much help. He moved out in April of this year. And he has known her since then. The last time he spoke with her was on Saturday, he says to tell her that he was letting her go. Makes me want to gag, but I digress. This was all done before we had the book SAF, I got it in the mail the day before he was to leave for this trip, and he took it with him. I have been reading LB and HNHN for the first time during this last month, but have been visiting the website daily since early November. He says that SAF is eerily correct in addressing the affair, and the nature of them in general. I haven't read it since he has had it on the trip with him. He has called me several times a day to let me know where he is and that he loves me. It has given me a lot of comfort, and reassures me that he really wants this to work and is trying to apply what he is reading. I just want to be nice, and be able to trust him. I realize that I am going to hear a lot more than I want to in the end, but at least I will have addressed my concerns and can put it behind me. As far as STD's, we have both been tested by our family doctor and both came back negative. When he comes back on Monday, I will talk to him about the NC letter, and the precautions that you all suggest. I have talked to Dr. Harley once, and will call tomorrow to make another appointment. He is making one also. I take comfort in knowing that he agrees with the MB principles, and is willing to follow the books and counseling. Thanks again to all of you for responding so quickly!

He is calling several times a day. I am glad that he is, and sad at the same time. I am glad because of the efforts he is making. I am sad because I know part of those calls are made to me because he wants to call her. I am being supportive and loving so that I don't discourage him from making those calls. Hoping that this stage will pass quickly. Maybe Christmas and everything that goes with it will make the time pass quickly.

Why is it that the OW, a person who would willingly participate in an extra marital affair, has the ability to make me feel like nothing. I feel like that today, like I am a lowly wife who waited for her mentally ill husband to come back to her once his "fog" cleared. I really hate that I feel this way, but I do. How is it that she got all of his attention and his feelings of "in love" while I was at home taking care of the children that we made together, in the house that we called our home. How is that for having morals??? Today has not been a good one, sorry guys had to vent to you for fear of LB with WH.

The OW can't make you feel like that, it is your own warped thinking. How can a woman who is a PIG inside make you feel inferior? She got the leftover crumbs of someone else's man and now finds herself quite alone. She wasn't capable of getting her own man, tc. How in the world can you allow yourself to feel inferior to that? ugh!

Go to the bathroom mirror and slap yourself for even thinking such crazy thoughts!