Ok, so h's behavior up until a week or so ago had made it very easy for me to be more than ready to move on. His actions pretty much made me hate him.

Than after a few things (see my other thread of late, "A hollar out....") he starts changing his tune a bit. Do I buy it? don't know... h is very very manipulative, very self serving, very good at doing what he may need to do to just get by with his kids, etc. The part of me that wants to believe there is still an ounce of good in him wants to believe some things are changing.

My MIL is still praying for the restoration of our marriage as is our entire church. MIL wants me to play it cool, wants me praying for the marriage, wants me to do basically the plan a thing with making a loving home and having me appear not as a door mat but inviting for h to want to come home.

I get a glimmer of hope in my heart after h decides to take kids to church this weekend and actually spends this weekend with them. He hasn't voluntarily gone to church or taken them in I don't remember. I am told the service couldn't have been more perfect.. about how you can be forgiven no matter what you have done, about how todays society is all ok with "if it feels good do it" or "if loving you is wrong I don't want to be right" attitude, etc...

So I decide that maybe, just maybe, it ain't over til it's over and since we are only legally separated and not divorced with no divorce on the horizon, maybe I shouldn't go down with the ship just yet.

But ya know what? It was so much easier for me when I had given up! When I had decided to just let him go and not fight anymore for the M and stopped caring it was so much easier. I find myself crying more than I have in a long time now that I have decided not to completely rule out restoration. I find myself worrying and thinking again... Like, are they together right now? (he is at training this week at guards and I know they have met before when his training was done and gone out to dinner and shopping,etc) Has he called her? Does he love her? etc, etc, etc.... All the things I had STOPPED thinking about when I had decided to give up are now back on my mind.

I don't know if I can do this. I do believe God can work miracles. I do believe God wants our marriage to last. I know God takes marriage very seriously. I know God allows for divorce in cases such as this but do believe he prefers to see a marriage be saved rather than divorce. I feel badly for not being 100% confident in this. I just feel my h is too far gone, wants nothing to do with ever coming home. I wish I could be a fly on the wall at her apt where he stays, or better yet, in his head. But I can't be either one. So I have no idea what goes on for him. I am sure he wavers once in a while with wanting to be with his family. He just seems like such a complete stranger, I really haven't known him at all these past 2 years. So many lies and A's. I do not see the man I married at all.

Maybe I am venting or just thinking out loud, don't know. I think I can keep the door open to restoration but that is all I can do. I think all other aspects of me need to be in the mind set of moving on. Of living my life, doing well in school, finding a part time job, continuing redoing the house, losing this last bit of weight I want to lose, taking care of our kids, etc. But I also want us to be there and supportive of him when he leaves for Iraq in january for 4 months. But I am torn. I will have the kids keep in touch but as for me, I don't know what to do. I feel like I am in a competition here for my own h! I am sure she will be sending him stuff and writing to him too and that hurts and makes me angry. She is right in love with him like there is no tomorrow. Her world begins and ends with him. does he feel the same?? I really don't think so. But there must be some feelings there.

Guys, some words of wisdom please. I just don't know if I can do this. I am afraid of getting utterly rejected and I cannot handle anymore hurt. Those who have been in my shoes and are in recovery, did you guys go through this? How did you make it through? any help here please? mlhb

I think you just have to move on with your life and expect him not to be in it. Then if a miracle occurs, you will be very happy. But if he continues the path he is on, you will be fine too.

While he is in Iraq, I would write to him. They get very, very, very bored over there. I wouldn't bring up relationship stuff, just chat away about the family and things that happen everyday.

My women's church group is sponsoring a battalion over there, and we sent them goodies and write to them. They seem to enjoy it, and write back a lot.

I agree Believer. I guess I was thinking that my living my life and moving on meant I was done with him. But it doesn't have to mean that. It just means I can keep my sanity.

The holidays are so hard, I will be glad when they are over with!

I am just turning all my worries about my m over to God everyday and letting him deal with it, I then can go about my business of taking care of me and the kids. He knows the door is open when and if he wants to talk. So no need to be worrying about it. My IC I had a few years ago told me the same thing when h and I were separated before. I wish I had had this board then, our M might have made it from that last separation. But she told me, tell him how you feel and that the door is open, but that I was going on with my life but when he was ready to talk if he was ever ready I would listen. I need to do that again. I already told him we were here when he stopped living the life he is living. Now is the time for the getting on with life part which I have been doing but need to continue to do in full force.

My worrying about things won't bring him home any faster if he does ever come home.... mlhb

And working on making your life fulfilling and satisfying will make you feel much better....

I went on a real binge - cleaning, organizing, starting my own business, doing the yard, volunteering, painting, going out with friends. At first I had to force myself, but then it came naturally.

Look at this period as a time to work on something you always wanted to do. I learned Spanish too. In fact, I'm thinking of going to Mexico or south for some missionary work.

You really do yourself a disservice to sit around worrying about things.

You are right Believer. I think I am just scared and having a hard time with the holidays. This is my first one without him and with him living with ow.... Plus he leaves in January for Iraq and I am concerned about his well being there. I may be hurt and angry but I don't want him to get killed or anything over there!

I am in school full time and am on the hunt for a part time job as well. I have a 6 week break in between semesters and need to be occupied, could use the money too. I have been slowly redoing the house and other things. Since we signed sep papers I have not said one word to h about his "relationship" or ow. Only talk has been of the kids. And that is hardly every day. I really pretty much have left him alone.

Thanks for your input. It does help! mlhb