WH moved out on Friday. He had refused to completely end contact with OW, more than once. I am so very confused. I have read through much of the site and there is so much info and there is already so much in my head.

1..So, he left, how do I restablish contact and interactions? He has called me, but very limited.... He is continuing to see the OW(not married) while he is sleeping on his mothers couch. There was a big thing we were supposed to go together to this weekend and he is balking.

2..Am I love busting? I must be, I don't know!!!! but how can I not say... "I love you and I can see that you are falling apart and are being so destructive. I am so worried about you. I think part of it is because you know that your relationship with OW is wrong and everytime you are with her you realize down deep that you are being so disrespectful and hurtful to me and the guilt is ripping you apart. You need to stop having contact with her."
******SEriously, I am so flipped upside down. Am I being disrespectful. I just do not know. I am a calm talking person, I do not yell, but am I judging and being disrespectful? Am I not allowed to say anything???? What can I say.

3..So now he is going to rent an apartment. I need to tell him that I understand he is having such a hard time living with his mom, but that I cannot financially contribute to an apartment. I do recognize that he needs time by himself to think and he is so desperate and confused , but I also know that she will be there and I cannot contribute to giving her full access to him. Once again, am I being disrespectful? I know I cannot enable the affair, but I do not know my boundarys.

4..I have read plan A and B. How do I implement A if I do not have access? Do I invite him for dinner? Do I pretend everything is great between us? Do I talk to him about our problems and meeting eachother's needs?

****I am sure this sounds ridiculous to you and I am so sorry, but I am so jumbled and I can't think. Honestly, I do not know what is a positive interaction. I do not know if I am being judgemental. I tend to be very even keeled and honestly, clinical sounding....yuck. I am truly worried about him. He is tearing himself apart and he needs to stop.

Please don’t misunderstand Plan A. It does not demand you are a doormat. On the contrary: it clearly entitles you to set clear and normal borders. It is the behavior within those borders that needs to be towards “loving your WH back”.

I think that you are doing the exact opposite to disrespectful judgments. At least in regard to WH. You might be making disrespectful judgments to yourself...

Let’s put WH apartment plans aside for a minute. Who pays for your current residency? Who pays utilities? In whose name is the lease/deed, utilities, insurance and so on? Who pays for the cars? How about income? Is any part of your income going towards WH? Since you are at school do you have an income? Are there any kids involved?

What you have to do is set your boundaries. If your WH was clear on his choice he would have left you a long time ago. Fact is – he is sitting on the fence trying to find a way to keep both of you. If you want your WH back then you make you a better option than OW and at the same time diminish her chances. One part of that is making leaving you as hard as possible – for example by making it financially impossible for your WH to get an apartment.

Regarding the utilities, cars and so on. If WH is on any bills make him pay at least half. In our strange world you can walk out of moral obligations scot free but financial obligations.... a different story.

We have a joint account and all monies are distrubuted from it. We both work full time. WE both have good jobs, but I bring home about $400/month more than he does. I opened up a new account and my paycheck will be deposited into it the 23rd.

House, home insurance, utilities and my car are in my name. Cell phone, both car insurances and his car are is in his name.

It will not be as hard for him financially as I hoped, but at least I will not be supporting his relationship with the OW.

I cannot really expect him to pay for half when he is not living here. Except for the cell bill, health club, his portion of the car insurance. Gee, that is going to be fun. I will have to pay him my half of cell bill, car insurance, health club and health insurance.

I can afford to live alone, but having to reimburse him every month will be irritating.

We do not have children.

So....back to PLan A. Can I tell him how much he is hurting me by continuing the A? Can I tell him that I think he is really hurting himself? He is just so angry and has been for so long. I am sure inside some of the anger is in himself because he knows he is wrong and everytime he sees her or talks to her he is hurting and betraying me and therefore also himself. Can I say this?

How do I have positive loving interactions with him? Just in my head everything is about her. I realize she is only a symptom of the disease, but she has complete access and I have none.

***I do recognize that he needs time by himself to think and he is so desperate and confused***

Please don't misunderstand this. He did not move out to "be by himself and think" -- he moved out so he could carry on his affair without you gettting in the way.

He really isn't confused, LC. He wants to keep both a wife and a girlfriend and he's looking for ways to do that. He's watching to see how much of this you will tolerate.

What he really wants now is to bully you into silence and submission so you will wait quietly for him while he enjoys dating and screwing his girlfriend. (Sorry to be so blunt, but you have to deal with reality here.) He fully expects that you will be there waiting for him if/when the affair doesn't work out, and that he can always go back to you any old time he wants.

Your pain means nothing to him right now. The suffering of a betrayed spouse means absolutely nothing to a wayward spouse. He is not going to protect you in any way, so you are going to have to protect yourself financially, physically and emotionally.

That's what Plan A and (especially) Plan B are all about.

Hang in there -- if you want your marriage, you're just getting started.
Mulan

Mulan is exactly right, Lost, your H is moving out only so he can carry on his affair unimpeded. Reading your other posts, I think you should move fairly quickly to Plan B.

But before you do that, I would protect your assets and do a little more exposure. When you say you exposed to his Mother, can you describe that to me? Did you call her yourself? What is her attitude about this affair? Does she understand that he is living there so he can carry on his affair?

I would also suggest calling up the OW's mother and telling her about the affair. What is the OW's profession? Does she have a profession that is based on ethics, ie: teacher, nun, etc?

And lastly, yes you should expect your H to continue to pay half of the household bills. That is his OBLIGATION as a married man. He cannot abandon his wife and all his financial obligations so he can cat around. Division of bills, assets only takes place in legal seperation and divorce, you are far from that. Don't allow him to just waltz off and leave you with the family debt.

I would also suggest that you get your money out of your joint account so he doesn't plunder it.

What were the problems in the marriage before his affair? Is this his first affair? Do you know what his top needs are? Can you explain how he became estranged frm you in the marriage?

You do not have to walk around on eggshells with him. You should tell him OFTEN how hurtful and cruel his behavior is. Otherwise, he will think it is hunky dory. But don't tell him he is "hurting himself," or try to educate or correct him.

A disrespectful judgement is saying: "you scum sucking dirty DAWG." But telling him his behavior is hurtful and disrespectful is not a dj. You do not have to walk around on eggshells and you SHOULD NOT hide your feelings.

I will qualify that by saying that crying, pleading, begging are not feelings you want to share, though. That kind of behavior is very repulsive so I would avoid it all costs.

I have gone through a lot of changes over the past 4 years. I lost 170 pounds and started back to school full time. He thinks I left him emotionally. I guess I did to a point. I didn't mean to and I didn't realize it. I was on an online support group for my weightloss and he was ignored. My fault, but the changes were so very hard for me. I have been fat my whole life. I was so very selfish and egocentric. He tried so hard to be there for me.

Office I worked at was bought out and my job went away. I was still there, but I am professionally ambitious and was bored out of my mind. Very difficult, once again, all about me.

Started back to school full time. Left him alone again. Still working full time also....changed jobs.

Didn't have time to only do things together alone. We are very involved in a club and when I was studying all our time together was with other people.

He blew up the beginning of this year and said it had been about me from the beginning and was now going to be about him. I would be lucky if I was 3,4,5 on his list of priorities. I did a 180. I smothered him with attention. I didn't mean to smother him, but I did.

This is his first partially physical EA, but he had EAs before. I just did not know what they were. They bothered me, but I was too insecure to do anything about them and I didn't recognize what they were.

I went to MIL and told her everything. She is very angry with him, but afraid to push. Our contact has been limited over the past week because she feels she is betraying him.

OW is an educator for a hospital.

Thank you

Does your H work at the hospital?

No he does not.

In that case, I don't think it would be helpful to expose her at work. But it would be helpful to expose her to her mother and any other family members or close friends of WS you can think of.

I am concerned that this isn't his first affair, Lost. That is a completely different breed of cat. Does he believe in monogamy?

yes he believes in monagomy....or he did. How do I tell her mother???????????

You tell her that you take no pleasure in making this call, but that her daughter is having a sexual affair with your H. Tell her it started on XYZ date. Tell her that you have been married for XYZ years and are trying to save your marriage. Ask for her support in saving your marriage and ask her to use her influence to persuade her D to stay away from your H. Tell her you cannot save your marriage if she is sleeping with your H.

Are there any other key people to whom you could expose?

ML, excellent advice, well written. I know I had difficulty exposing but used almost this same language.

Thanks Nature. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lost, if there are any other potential targets here, then get them done NOW, after you expose to the OW's mother. Better to get your money's worth and have the maximum impact.

I almost think it might be worth it to write a nice little letter to the hospital and let them know that their teacher is leading an immoral lifestyle with your H. Just imagine the embarrassment that would cause. I am sort of on the fence on that one, though.

But I do not KNOW that they have had sex. I think they have but I do not KNOW. If they actually have not had sex. He said they came close, but if they truly have not they have deniability and then I am a villian. Can't I say I believe they have?

Lost, they have had sex. Give me a break. You don't have to prove what you already know. Don't get hung up on that point. And if you were wrong, which you aren't, how would that make you a villan? An EA is just as bad, if not worse than a PA.

Could I get sued for defamation of character? I don't really care, but can I?

huh? Whose character are you "defaming???"