Posted this in another section. This one may be more appropriate. NEED HELP

Really need some help here and different perspectives. I'm in love with a woman 20 yrs younger than myself. Most of the time I believe and feel that she is in love with me. We talk about our future.... taking it slow...and moving ahead one step at a time. We have been together 8 mos and have seen each other everyday except for perhaps 5 days since starting dating. We have worked through various obstacles including her exboyfriend, telling her mother about our relationship, and other things that challenge new relationships.

We talk about living together and agree that we will start spending more nights together but this hasn't happened. Currently we usually spend a night together every other weekend when she is off work and a rare night in between. When I remind her that we have agreed to spend more nights together she simply says "It will happen". I found out last night that while her mother is cordial towards me she is also racist (this an inter-racial relationship). My girlfriend has her own apartment and lives alone but her mother also lives just down the street and my girlfriend spends lots of time there. She often makes the point that she is an adult and that she needs to start acting like one but I have a fear that her mother may be the reason that we don't openly spend nights together. My girlfriend states that she doesn't care if her mother knows that we spend nights together but she always leaves my house early in the morning and goes back to her own home before her mother gets out of bed.

Do I just need to wait until my girlfriend is "ready" to live with me or do I need to walk away from this relationship. We have even talked about having kids and marriage. I believe my girlfriend loves me but I also fear that she may be living in a fantasy world.....afraid to take the steps to make her life a reality. When I tell her this she says if we start living together we might get tired of each other.....so why do we even talk about it I ask........her response is because "I want to do it" Help! Am I not being objective here or trying to move too fast?

Not to be judgemental but a 20 year age gap is a big deal. It makes me question your motivation for wanting to live with her soo quickly. 8 months really isn't that long to be dating before starting to live together.

I'm sure no girl wants to beat their mother over the head that they are spending the night with their boyfriend. It's almost impossible for us to know if that's her motivation.

I don't think giving her an ultimatum is that answer though. What is your fear? That she's embassed of you? Or lack committment to you? Or isn't serious enough about you and her moving in would prove that she does???

I just think that your motivations are wrong at this point in time. Let her go at her pace. If after another year she's still hesitating to make committments, then you can start thinking about moving on but it's still much too early for you to be demanding such comittment at this point.

Hmmm, you'll be asking a woman to go against her mother, who she appears to fear, or who she's afraid of offending...

Maybe it's not enough to pull up the stakes and move on, but I think I'd be preparing myself for a long road ahead. If the partner can' leave and cleave, it just makes things tougher. Add in a 20 year gap, a generation apart, and well, I hope you made your application for sainthood, because if you make it work, you'll be well in the running.

Thankx Jaye... we have had a long conversation on this and she agrees with you. She just had not been able to do this in the past with me, and I have found out that prior relationships fizzled because of this. So right now the ball is in her court and things actually look better now. Thus far the age gap has not actually caused any problems that we haven't been able to deal with. Other's may surface and ultimately be the demise of this relationship but as for now......we just have to see. There was a 13 year gap with my own parents and it was a good marriage lasting more than 45 years......ended only with my father's death. I know there is a difference between 13 and 20 but I believe there is hope. Thankx again.