Man, i'll be happy when this week is over. I've had hardly any sleep this week at all. Last night my mom starting put our Christmas tree up ( im at my parents for christmas since my H is deployed) and i didnt help her. Alot has to do with the fact I want my husband home from Iraq, its not the A that is bothering me. Its done its over and its in the past. This is the first time we've been apart of Christmas and when i heard him talk, he started tearing up how he wanted to be home to hold me and spend it with his two kids. Boy! That even made me start crying. Also, its coming up to the 1yr anniversary of my brothers death. He died 11 days after Christmas. I can see it even in my mom she doesnt want it to come. I havent gone to my brothers grave in almost 6 months. The last time I went up there and this might sound stupid was to ask some guidance from him to help me decide how i should take my husband back. ALot of strange and unexplainable things happened while I was there but I knew in my heart he knew my husband had changed and he felt bad. I dont know if thats stupid to say or not. Hes watched over my husband the past year....hes my H's guardian angel.

Today i had to go buy formula and I ran into somebody whose son came home from Iraq this past Monday. She asked me how I was doing. I said im hanging in there, i mean i really am. I havent felt this down in god knows how long. She hugged me and told me to hang in there, he'll be home soon. I know he will be but it still doesnt help the fact that I want him here in person for Christmas. I didnt think it would be so hard on me----him being nearly half way around the world and me having to video tape his kid's christmas...His Daughters 1st christmas. It was his choice to join so he knew it would come but I just am getting so burned out. I need him home, he wants to be home. I think i just needed to get this all off my chest and type it out and feel somewhat better, I do a little bit now but not much