Your experience is both an asset and a weakness. Take LetMeJustSay for example... one of her main conflicts with her husband is that he compares her to girls in porn and puts her down and says really horrible things about her body. She has very strong views on beauty magazines, models, etc etc as a result. What she is saying is valid but she's sort of on a mission to stop the injustice of skinny models and porn stars. Anybody that has a husband that views porn, she is likely to say "watch out! It won't be long before your husband is telling you he's not physically attracted to you anymore". AG and I have both viewed porn on a regular basis in the past and I don't think either of us have issues with thinking that our wives aren't measuring up to girls featured in porn. So what I'm trying to say is that you have a very strong view against porn because your husband chose it over you. The conclusion you drew was that porn sucked your husband in. However, an equally possible solution that you could have drawn was that your husband didn't understand that sex was complicated and sometimes "the easiest way" isn't the best way. Choosing what was convenient turned out to be very hurtful to SC. SC could have just as eaily given the advice "make sure your husband understands that he needs to draw boundaries for himself. That porn should be "in addition to" instead of "in place of".

That's one of the beauties of this board. One person comes along with their view. Another comes along with another. And each sort of balances out the other.

I am really disgusted to read that. Killing your child would have gotton your husband's attension too. It doesn't make it right. Porn is not cheating. It may constitute neglect but it is not cheating. You upped the stakes and took it to the next level by cheating. But then you have the gaul to let your husband feel guilty about it-- as-if he caused the affair because he used porn! He should take no blame at all for your affair. He should take blame for the porn independently of your having an affair. This is a DJ but you just seem very manipulative and almost proud that what you did (the affair) got you the result that you wanted. That's disgusting.

'Take LetMeJustSay for example... one of her main conflicts with her husband is that he compares her to girls in porn and puts her down and says really horrible things about her body. She has very strong views on beauty magazines, models, etc etc as a result. What she is saying is valid but she's sort of on a mission to stop the injustice of skinny models and porn stars'

I do beg your pardon wasp, but if I am on a crusade against 'skinny women' then perhaps I need to eradicate myself as I am one of them...Surely your not making an assumption about how I look because of the comments made by my deluded h and the fact Im not in porn lol.
Ironically, without trying to sound conceited I am the type of women most men take a second look at.....I am no more on a crusade to eradicate these things than you are to keep the staus quo.
Sure my idea and opinions are coloured by my life experience. Just as are yours.
You may see your marriage as untarnished by your porn use that doesnt mean others see it the same way????

No. Let me clarify AGAIN. I am not trying to use his porn use to justify my affair. And I didn't have an affair to manipulate him into giving up porn. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT HIS NIGHTLY PORN USE UNTIL AFTER D-DAY. You actually make my point by saying that killing our child would have gotten his attention, too. The point being -- the porn had gotten so out of control, it took something dramatic to get him to come to his senses. I DIDN'T PLAN IT THAT WAY. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS UP AGAINST.

I would say that Shabby's situation closely resembles the early stages of my situation. I would hate to see it take the same, or a similar, route.

--SC

I agree. I think we agree. Therefore I make the case that the original poster should listen to both of us instead of discounting AG and my opinion as SC suggested. Maybe AG and I are off the mark but our opinions do help round things out and balance the scales as you admit that both you and I have colored opinions due to life experience.

Ok, my bad. Sorry for putting words in your mouth and assuming things.

I agree with sc. and I had a major issue with my fiance in the beginning,we've been together 4 yrs.in the first 2,porn was a huge problem. he was for it,I was against it. I decided to take an unusual approach,(after freaking out of course) I told him that I was fine with it.I even sent him naughty cards,signed his email up for every free porn site I could find(which meant I had to find them),I even asked him to watch one with me. now, fellas, if your lady wanted to watch this with you,assuming you watch it,wouldn't your natural response be"yes"? anyway,that really freaked him out. and what's worse, he no longer even looks at it.truth is, I made it a quest,to watch it,and try to see what was the big draw. I only found that, I WISH I WOULD'VE TRIED THE LETS WATCH IT TOGETHER APPROACH FIRST. because now,not only does he not watch it, he has stopped wanting to make love to me,gradually,but now that I chastised him back then, I think I only caused him to be inhibited sexually. I wish he Would look at it again. have you tried to watch it with him? maybe it would be therapy for you. don't mean to offend anyone,just trying to share.

Have you ever seen a person addicted to Vicoden? Porn addiction reminds me of this. Equally destructive. All of your points are valid. If you can take Vicoden when prescribed and not often, then you are getting some benefit. Next, some people have an adversion to Vicoden. They can't take it at all. Some, if they start off by taking just a little, they will find that it's not so bad.

Short synopsis... lacking great detail.
Why do I see this comparison? 2nd day after I was married I found out my husband was addicted to porn. I fought it for 3 years till it almost destroyed me. Ultimatums were given, he stopped. He was porn free for 2 yrs... and we often talked about our feelings over those two yrs. It was not easy. Marriage indeed had conflict. I have found that through our discussions, I was able to take a step his direction and have erotic video. BABY STEPS. Now, 'some' porn is agreed to be something mutual. Something shared. Part of an enthusiastic agreement. I will say that when treading on something so delicate, the POJA does need to play a huge part.

As all people are different, I don't know that even allowing porn back into the relationship is right for everyone. Afterall, you don't want to give a Vicoden addict any more Vicoden. If you are comfortable with understanding that complete monitoring is essential when walking such a fine line, then maybe a relationship can go to this point.

So, I guess one way to think of it is.... "would you want me addicted to Vicoden?" Most likely no one outside the marriage will ever know.... but YOUR SPOUSE WILL and it will eventually destroy the marriage.

Now, I dispense the Vicoden, otherwise known as the porn, so that no addiction can happen. We agreed to what is acceptable to watch together. If we don't agree on the material, and the time it is used, then we both understand that our relationship can end up close to where we were three years ago. My husband, on rebuilding our relationship, even researched what kind of porn or erotic video a woman might would be okay with and could be interested in watching. I had to be okay with it before it ever came into the home. Now, this showed me that he was taking my FEELINGS into consideration and not trying to fulfill his own needs/pleasure. Very delicate balance.