On the recommendation of a few folks who were kind enough to respond to my original post, I'm resubmitting this in GQII. It's a bit 'wordy', but any advice would be appreciated, from those with the patience to read through it. Thanks...

New to this, so forgive any faux pas on my behalf. And I'm sorry if this is long...I feel the need to unload.

My wife started an affair while away on business, back in September. She told me about it immediately upon her return, but continued to see this fellow for the next two months. She finally claimed to end it in late November (but not before giving some 'good bye' oral...), however just two days later she accidentally (?) left her Yahoo chat acct open, and I saw an exchange between her and OM, that definitely didn't appear to be the chat of 'former' lovers. I freaked, and went into her history of chat with this fellow. Not a fun read, to put it mildly. I confronted her with it, and of course it was MY fault! I was the one who couldn't be trusted. (??!!) It's like there is a manuscript out there for WS's, isn't it?? She eventually wrote OM a 'NC' letter (supposedly) but wouldn't show it to me. I was on the verge of quitting. She had defeated me, and then I stumbled upon this site, and I got some hope back that there was a chance of saving our marriage. Not only did it give me some insight into what had gone wrong, it made me look at myself. As they say, "He without sin may cast the first stone". Well, I've sinned, so I'm not judging her too harshly. I realize that I set the wheels in motion years ago, that allowed this to happen. (Although I realize she is still responsible for her own actions...) We finally sat down and reviewed this site. She agreed it could be the key to salvaging things. I then asked her again to see the 'NC' letter she'd sent. While it generally said the physical thing had to end, it was full of smileys, and regret that this might be hurting OM's feelings, and that they'd still chat & hang out together. (Obviously my feelings are free for the hurting...) I started to get upset, but remembered the old "LB" thing about anger. I calmed down, and pointed out that it wasn't exactly the B & W 'NC' letter we'd discussed. She did agree with me, and while she wouldn't agree to another 'NC' letter that I'd review before she sent, she did agree to 'CC' me on the next (and supposedly final) one. The next day she came home from work, and said there was no need, as he'd e-mailed her at work, and said he understood, and that he wouldn't contact her anymore. You could see she was very sad about this. I may be stupid, but I'm not blind...obviously the OM had become VERY important to her, in a big hurry. We had many heart to hearts, and she repeatedly said she wanted to 'start over'. Yet I always felt she wasn't really trying. This went on for about the last 3 weeks. This past Saturday, she all but admitted she was in love with OM. (But still loved me...as she put it 'blind love' for OM, 'true love' for me...) Sunday morning she finally said it straight out...she loved him. Then Sunday afternoon, she tells me she called OM, because she needed to have a face to face with him, to explain why she ended things. (I figured her being married to me might be explanation enough for him...) What could I do? She's a grown woman, and I'm not her father...I'm her husband. I can't ground her! I let her go meet with him. My only caveat being that this was ABSOLUTELY the last time she'd have contact with him. She agreed. (I know, I know...I'm a fool...) I also suggested that instead of meeting at his place (as originally planned) that they perhaps meet at a more neutral location. She agreed, and told me afterward that she'd spoke with him again, and they'd be meeting at a local coffee shop. (I took her at her word, but still had/have my doubts...) She said it would be fairly short & sweet. 2 1/2 hrs later she called me to say she'd be a while longer, because they were having another 'coffee'. She finally showed up about an hour after the phone call, and was in a great mood. She had a Coke and a KitKat bar for me, as a "peace offering". She said she felt better. That she'd been right...he was fond of her, but had not been planning a future with her (which made me wonder what she'd done HAD he been planning one...), but understood her ending it, and his feelings weren't hurt. She was happy for that. (?) We talked, she told me that she loved me, wanted to be with me, and that she was now ready to REALLY start working on recovering things between us. I was relieved (but wary). She hardly gets this out, and she tells me OM asked her to buy him something when she's overseas. (Going away for an extended business trip early in NY...) Again, striving to remain calm, I pointed out that OM knew many people in her company, so why couldn't one of them buy him this particular item? She said she'd tell him to do just that. (Again, I was wary...) She agrees to no more contact with OM, but tells me she's going to send him a 'gift' while overseas. (!!) After her convincing performance when she got home, she almost had me suckered. Then the next thing...last night I asked her to give me the password to her e-mail/chat accounts. (She has all mine...) She balked at this. Not that I want to snoop...but as I pointed out to her, if she really does trust me (as she says, despite my prior snooping...) AND she has nothing more to hide from me, what's the big deal? She refused. When I was a bit out of sorts this morning, she asked me what was bothering me, and I told her. Again she got upset over it. I sent her an e-mail from work today, explaining (calmly and rationally) how her refusal to do this was making me feel (again recommendation from this site), and ASKED her to reconsider my request. (I also told her that if she could give me VALID reasons for saying "NO", I'd agree to it...I wouldn't be happy, but I'd agree...) Am I being played for a fool here, as I suspect?? Any opinions out there would be appreciated.

You are not being played a fool, she's just the typical WS. I suggest that you ask her to send a MB regulation NC letter - it should say that she made a mistake, loves you, and wants no contact with him ever again for any reason.

As long as she has contact with him, your marriage won't go anywhere, but down.

Kato,

It is not you who is the untrustworthy one, OK? She is the untrustworthy one!!

She is untrustworthy because she lies to you, has an affair with OM, and sneaks, hides things, lies to you, lies to you and then lies to you!!

You snoop/investigate because you have a gut feeling that she is LYING TO YOU!! AND SHE IS!! Your snooping and investigating has nothing to do with her TRUSTING you, but her lies and deceipt being DISCOVERED by you.

OF COURSE she is hiding her chat account from you! To tell you the truth, way back at Dday all computer chat accounts and individual email accounts should have been canceled.

My FWW met her OM in a chat room. We now have one joint email account. And this works out FINE!! NOTHING TO HIDE, OK??

Your WW is hiding something. Very simple.

Good luck!

k

Like you said, if she has nothing to hide than she should be happy to give you the passwords. she's got something to hide... I do not think you got a strict NO CONTACT out of her. My understanding is she should not be talking to this man, no emails, no nothing. No buying gifts! She is cake eating, not willing to let him go completely. Before you can start recovery she needs to let him go completely. Take it from me, there must be NO CONTACT. Everytime she sees or talks to him it is a reminder of what was. Nope, I'm not buying her stories at all. Anyone else out there have an opinion here? mlhb

For sure! Otherwise she would agree to be an open book to you.

I don't understand how you can trust her when she has done nothing to show you that she is trustworthy. It is clear that you are being taken for a ride.

You need to wake up, develop some backbone, and maybe then we can try to save your M.

The question is how happy are you with the crumbs she is giving you?

I would suggest you take the time to read some stories on this thread, Gramm's and Hopethisworks come to mind, along with articles about Plan A and Plan B (may not be necessary in your case) so you have a better idea how this process works.

Maybe I was too quick to jump to judgement on this. As you probably all realize, this whole thing with the no passwords on the e-mails was bothering me. I wrote her a letter (to her e-mail address that OM used with her...) and explained my point of view on this. I wrote this letter about 4 days ago. Last night I asked her to read her e-mail, as I knew she hadn't been on the computer at all lately. She did. Turns out she put all the passwords and permissions back in place the night we first discussed it, she just didn't say anything, as she figured I'd go in snooping, and see that she had done it. When I brought it up 4 nights later, she realized I HADN'T gone into her chat or e-mail accounts to check. Perhaps there is hope after all?? As for developing 'backbone' as someone put it, I've made it quite clear that if I find ONE SINGLE contact between them, then it's all over. For good. No apologizing, no second (well third, or fourth) chances. Done. I told her that if I see she's done that, then I realize that she's decided he's more important than both me and our kids are to her. She understands that I am deadly serious about it. No exceptions. No excuses acceptable. However, in the spirit of this sight, I'm trying to control the temper, and explain how I FEEL, and not rage at her. Major LB...right??

Quickly checked her chat account this evening, while setting up something on the computer. Guess who had sent her a note?? Well, I have since insisted that she write up a NC note, that I get to preview, before she sends it. She's totally choked at me right now (I can't be trusted, remember???), but has said she'll have it ready for me tomorrow morning. We'll see...

kato,

Stay on evenkeel. Read Pepperband's the Carrot and Stick of Plan A. Also read the link in my signature. Hang in there.

At least your WS is contemplating or attempting (albeit halfheartedly) NC. A lot of WSs flat out refuse (like mine). An excellent Plan A including self improvements and changes that are desirable to your spouse along with firm boundaries and continued negotiation for NC should be your plan.

Continue to walk the high road, sir, and keep those LBs in check.