So what now? Where do I go from here? It is exposed and it was awful. He is so angry and embarrassed and ashamed of me. I imagine he won't talk to me for a while.

I am seeing a lawyer hopefully tomorrow or Monday to find out the laws here. Just get some info. Hopefully I will not have to do anything with that, but I do not know. Not looking forward to the possibility that I will and then having to contact him and tell him.

I am sorry that you are going through this right now. Remember that exposure was something you did because you were trying to save your marriage. Don't let his hateful words break you down. You did nothing to be ashamed of. He did. And if and when he ever decides to become a real man again, he will figure it out that the person he is most ashamed of stares at him when he's shaving.

May peace find its way to you soon.

This is the classic WS babble. He's upset because HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING IS WRONG...and of course does not want to be held accountable and responsible for his actions. He is now finding out that there are consequences to his actions! He wanted to have his cake and eat it too...and now, all of it is in jeopardy....oh the poor WS spouse, boo hooo hoooo.

Of course, he will deflect and blame this on you, stay strong and keep reading this site especially the intro sections on the MB principles. And yes remember and please tell him you are fighting to save your marriage, that is why you are doing this. I remember when I told my wife this she yelled at me that our marriage is over.

I am a little concerned about protecting myself financially. I am also concerned that actions I take to do so will make him think I am once again being vindictive, but he is so not my husband and this is so crazy. He is moving into an apartment and has no furniture. I think I need to see a lawyer if only to get info, but he will not understand. Honestly, there are things I need to do to put my house together for the welcoming feeling and that is going to cost too. It is not fair for him to have to pay for that if we D either. Community property state.

Lost, you need to slow down and gather your thoughts. I fought off doing a legal sep for a long time. My h would not have bothered doing one this I know. He thinks it is all ok to do what he wants as long as he is not living here. But eventually I realized my children and I need financial protection. My he didn't like that part one bit but hey, if you're gonna play you're gonna have to pay. Don't look at a legal sep as a forever thing. It is a legal agreement that just protects you both actually while you are apart. They are not a forever thing if you don't D. It is protection while he is in this fog. At first I thought, wow, I do this sep and it is definitely over. But I don't feel that way anymroe. I could not force my h to pay what he is paying now without an agreement. Under NYS law he has to pay certain things. He begrudgingly signed it but I have to protect me and my kids in case this goes on for a long time, or, God forbid, forever. Now if he doesn't pay child support or certain bills like day care, etc, I can take him to court. Before, with no agreement I was getting stuck paying things I shouldn't have had to pay. It is a dose of reality. This is the real world, not some fantasy affair land. You wanna move out and live the single life and be with ow, well, you can't walk away from you financial obligations. He has to pay me so much every month I doubt he will ever be able to afford an apt on his own. He will either have to sell some things or get a second job. So, it's either that, continue lving with ow which means he cannot have his kids overnight as I do not allow them there, or, get off your high horse out of the fog, be a real man, and come home.

It is just for you to be protected. A separation agreement keeps you and your end of finances straight and makes him be responsible for his while he is out there in fog land. mlhb

Have you talked to an attorney yet about the LS? Get ready for them to try and talk you out of it and into a D. I don't know why they do this, but every atty I spoke with tried. Then they all seem to turn into your best friend and say stupid things like "why would you want to stay married to someone who doesn't love you?" Remember, they are in business to make money. That means, more filings = more money.

As for your bills and income. Again, we have a very similar sitch you and I. We are double-income, no-kids. House, cars, insurance all in my name. If you cannot afford to live without his income, then you need to consider a LS to protect these, because odds are he's not going to pony up the money on his own. Just another thing for you to badger him about and you don't want that now. But if you can survive for a little bit, can you hold off on the legal stuff for a few weeks?

You can Plan A from a distance. When he calls, be calm, be nice, be vague about what you have been up to! Let him miss you! If you call him, try not to do it when he can easily find an excuse to hang up (ie. at work). Keep the calls short, you want to leave him wanting more. If you feel like you are going to get upset or say some DJ's or start to cry, time to go...things to do...people to see.

Odds are he still feels an obligation to you and the household. Use this! You need his assistance in clearing the driveway of snow, or putting up the holiday lights, (I used mowing the lawn <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) When you see him, always look fabulous! No sweats and t-shirts (unless he really likes that).

Start to identify what his EN's are. At first you'll probably have to figure this one out on your own. Eventually you'll be able to talk to him about it and get a better idea. My WH had a real need for conversation and admiration. So, when he would call, I would ask about his day. ( Oh, you handled that great WH! What will you do about that? Good plan, WH. ) When he would put himself down, I would boost him up. It was exhausting!

I'm not suggesting you play the 'I'm a woman and I'm helpless' card. But reminding him that he's still needed by you could be a good thing. My WH felt that I didn't need him. After all, I only wanted him to share my life. Didn't need him to pay the bills or mow the lawn or take care of me. But I would tell him over and over that I did need him. He is my best friend, etc.

Hang in there L_C. It's possible to save your M.

I guess we do have similar situations. I thought I was the only one without kids..... or at least it feels that way.

I am making a new post because I do not want to be redundant, but I must somewhat. Please check it out Stop the World..because I am addressing much of what you said.

In reference to legal help, I went. Actually the lawyer told me to do nothing. She told me it is too soon and I am too raw and I cannot make informed decisions. She told me my rights and how to proceed if I needed too. Sounds like you needed my lawyer......