Hey gang,

It's so weird. My husband and I have been through so much the last few months -- My affair; his revelation that he had been indulging in alcohol, internet gambling and porn to the point that it had taken precedence over his family; and my realization that I have never really delt with the sex abuse that took place during my childhood. Like a one-two-three punch, all in the matter of a few weeks.

So here's the wierd part: Now that things are finally calming down, I'm feeling panicked!

Those of you who have helped me along thus far know that my husband has been amazing -- AH-MAZE-ING! He knows exactly what he wants -- an intimate and passionate relationship with me for the rest of our lives -- and he has taken every step humanly possible to make that happen. He's like a whole new person -- the kind of man any sane woman would adore! And here I am, still wallowing in uncertainty.

In the beginning, I really thought there was no hope for us. I had concluded that I had made a mistake marrying him and that everyone (including our children, believe it or not) would be better off if we just called it quits. Now, I WISH I could fall madly in love with him. But it just hasn't happened. And he knows it. And it hurts him.

He has been so strong through all of this. But I think he's beginning to feel discouraged. And I don't know what to do. There's a strong temtation to "fake it" but I know that's not the solution. You all have told me many times that eventaully "those feelings" will come. But what the heck are "they" waiting for???!!!

Thanks,
-SC

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Maybe a weekend trip or a few? Something fun and/or romantic. What I wouldn't do for my WH to want to fall in love with me again. It sounds like you are on the right track, but need more time. Also, be honest with him. Hiding feelings is what got you both in trouble in the first place. Tell him how you are feeling, but that it is your greatest desire to fall in love with him again and his support has been amazing. YOu will come around.

SC, so glad to see you check in! Tell me what you have done to help yourself fall back in love with your H?

Faithful,

Several things.

1. Forgiven him. That may sound odd since I'm the one who cheated. But there were obviously lots of other issues in our marraige before that.

2. Accepted his efforts to meet my EN's with an open heart (as open as I can make it at this point, anyway). Again, may sound odd. But I had shut him out for a long time and it has taken a conscious effort to let him back in. Also, I would always feel guilty taking time for myself to, say, go get my nails done or something if it meant he had to watch the girls. He used to get frustrated with me, saying, "You never do anything for yourself". Now, I've replaced the guilt with gratitude -- a much more satisfying feeling for both of us.

3. Worked on meeting his EN's. Some examples. For Conversation -- set aside time every morning and night to talk. For Affection -- lots of hugs and kisses, little notes to greet him when he gets up in the morning (I go to work very early, before he's up), A hot bath waiting for him when he gets home from work some nights. Domestic Support -- doing my share of the housework, even a few things here and there that he normally does. SF -- and lots of it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />. And Openness and Honesty -- This is the hardest for me, not because I lie, I just have such a hard time opening up. And especially telling people things I know will hurt them. But I'm trying really hard.

Those are the day-to-day things. I also made arrangements for my parents to come stay with our girls for a couple of days last week while we were on vacation so that the two of us could get away for a bit. And I got a babysitter another night so we could go to a comedy show (a great 'release' by the way for anyone going through a rough time).

I guess that's it. I'm certainly open to more suggestions, though.

Thanks,
--SC

SC, you are definitely on the right track. It takes time for those romantic feelings to resurface but remember that love is an action word. The more loving you act the more you will feel.

Check out this book too http://www.familylife.com/1-800-358-6329/detail.asp?id=4899&p=1&c=10&g=37

Hi SC,

Good to see you back, and for the record you are doing just fine. Your current failing is normal in that you have not realized that the key to this is TIME and PATIENCE. If you are a good soul and I think you are, you will begin to see that he is one as well. As that recognition comes so will come the "feelings" you seem so intent on having.

I really liked the list of things you have started doing. The one I liked the most is "forgiving" him. You are correct to do so, and it is NOT a trivial thing.

I guess the next thing you are likely to have to forgive him for is being...a man. I am guessing here, but I think your abuse issues have a lot to do with the fact that you are having a hard time opening up and "feeling" your H. It is a hard earned protection mechanism, and the closer someone is coming to you, the more your defenses go up.

I really doubt that you can unlearn this in a matter of weeks or even months. I think it will take years and I would really suggest to get counseling with someone skilled in handling people with abuse issues. I would also suggest that you give your H some hope. If what I say as a ring of truth to it, explain to your H, that it is not him and to keep up what he is doing. YOU NEED him to do this so that you can dismantle your walls.

SC, your H has changed for a simple and I think obvious reason. You NEED him, you have allowed him to express what he has felt but shut down. Him being needed by you is what is fueling his drive to help. What you don't realize is HOW MUCH you need him. When you do, some of your resistance will change. It all comes back to perspective again.

What you must do is express to him how much you appreciate his efforts, how you need them, and how you are working on yourself with his help to reverse the damage done to you years ago.

It will come SC. Your H loves you enough to carry the day you just need to start to examine that wall you built to protect yourself and start to work on taking it down brick, by brick. Get help for that.

One last thought, make sure he knows that time and patience is what BOTH of you need. Show him respect, kindness, and act loving toward him, you will be surprised how much it helps you.

Hang in there girl, it is clear from what your write that your feelings for him are deeper than you are willing to admit right now.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Please note that it has been ONLY two months since d-day and probably less since you decided to recover this marriage. Your H will need a lot of energy to do this, give it to him in the form of respect, support, and yes thank you's. You have no idea how much a simple "thank you" can fill a love bank.

SC,

Here is a thread by SKM, an old friend. Please note the time line of her recovery from her affair. I think it will open your eyes. I will tell you that she and her H now have a child and are very very happy. When I travel I have been to her home town and she,her H, and a few others from MB have gotten together. She is a remarkable lady. But, her recovery took over a year as you will see. Just click on the bookmark.

SKM's Chronicles

God Bless,

JL

SC,

Does your H know about your childhood sexual abuse? It might help his personal recovery to realize that this was a significant factor [not the only one of course] in the birth of your affair.

TMCM

JL,

Okay, tell me the truth. Are you a professional counselor?

What I didn't explain very well is that, yes I'm impatient, but it's my husband's impatience concerns me the most. I don't think he's on the verge of giving-up or anything. But he has been so decisive and quick to act himself, I think it's hard for him to understand why I don't just "catch up".

I tell him all the time how much his efforts mean to me, and how impressed I am with the way he has handled this whole situation and with him as a person. (See, I don't have any problem being open about the "warm and fuzzy" stuff, just the "he's gonna hate hearing this" stuff). But what he's really waiting to hear is the "L" word. Or some proclamation that I know he's the only one for me. Something like that.

He has said he appreciates the kind words, considerate gestures, and praise. But "at some point" will need "more".

Yes, TMCM, he knows about the abuse. He has for a long time. But I always downplayed it. I presented it as: Here's why I have nothing to do with my brother (he's the one who did it), but it's no big deal, I've come to terms with it, la-dee-da, what's for dinner, anyway? We have talked about it in our last two MC sessions and a little bit in between. But I don't think either of us fully grasps how deeply this has affected me. He says he'll be there for me for as long as it takes, and do whatever I need him to do to help. But he has made a few comments like "it was a long time ago" and "I think you're a lot more stable and normal than you give yourself credit for."

hmmm.

--SC

SC,

No not a counselor, but I do solve problems for a living and I do stay at Holiday Inn's occasionally. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I can tell you what you can tell him... the truth.

1. You could tell him you don't have the feelings that you want to have. He knows this already.

2. You can tell him that this will take a year or two, which is pretty normal according to Harley and what I have seen here.

3. You can tell him that while you don't have the "in love" feelings, you WILL love him as you vowed because love is a verb and it is something you can do.

4. You must continue to help him help you and that means facing what this abuse has clearly done to you and bring him into the loop, not so much to resolve the issues (you need a pro for that), but to help keep you balanced and patient with the progress you are making.

5. You can tell him you are making progress. You see him in an entirely new light and you like what you see. You can tell him that the "in love" feelings will be the last thing to come, and you will not lie to him ever again.

6. You can read SKM's thread many times and perhaps show it to him, so that you and he get a sense of how long this takes. You are only at the two month mark, and most WS's do NOT feel in love with their spouses at this point. You are no exception.

7. You can take his hand and hold it. The man needs your help as well.

Now consider what he and you have said
SC, you don't know it yet, but many men would have walked given what he has learned not only about your affair but how you have felt about him for a long time. He may not be the "only one" for you, but he is among the very very few. The sooner you realize that, the better off YOU will be.

Many men can be attracted to a woman. Many can fall in love with a woman, but how many endure what your H has endured from you? His love of you is more unique than you realize and it is stronger as well. What he is telling you is that he needs help. What I listed for you is how you can start to help without compromising honesty.


Take the man at his word. You see what you are reading is he has doubts about you. What he is actually saying is that he has doubts about himself and they are eating at him every day. You may doubt your love for your H, but he has doubt himself as a man, as a lover, as husband and that doubt will eventually eat him up. When it does your marriage will be over whether you want it to be or not.

It is your job as his W to help him so that he can help you. You have not realized it yet, but my opinion is that he is the path through which you will finally find peace within yourself and the love and safety you need. If you leave, you will have failed to face your demons and will carry them to the next relationship and all the ones that follow.

So much to do, right SC? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> You can do this, and it is very early in recovery. Talk to your H about the time lines, have patience with him and ask him to have patience with you, as your issues predate him.

You two are doing better than you realize, much better. Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

Just so you know, I am much more aware of how unique and deep his love is than you give me credit for. I also have some concept of what I'd be losing if I screw this up. He certainly IS a good soul. That is exactly why I'm so upset about this "plateau" as I've termed it.

I am not going anywhere. I don't think he's going anywhere -- yet. But I don't know if he'll be willing to wait for a year or more to get what he wants and needs from me. Maybe. But his recent comments make me nervous. If he seems to be seriously wavering, I'll email him your first post on this thread. But I'll save that "card" until I think I really need it.

Thanks for helping me to understand some of the inner turmoil he is likely going through right now. He ACTS so strong, it's easy to forget how much he's hurting too.

I read the thread you recommended. It was indeed helpful. Especially the parts where she talked about being so sad and weepy 3... 4... even 6 months into it. And not knowing why. I've been going through some of that myself lately. Maybe that's also part of the reason my cage feels so rattled lately.

Thanks again,
--SC

SC,

The by words are TIME and PATIENCE. Just make sure you let him know that this will take time and this is normal. Please do show him some of the information here.

The fact that recovery takes a year or two does not mean that you will remain as you are for that time nor your H. Recovery seems to be termed a rollercoaster for a reason. Ups and downs for both of you. Encourage him to talk with you about his ups and downs as you will him.

The one thing it seems you are sure of, but likely he is not, is that you really want this marriage to work and to feel deeply in love with your. Remind him this is your goal and that you are in fact working on it. Some of this is just healing, some of it is changes in perspective about him, but more about yourself. I think if you reread SKM's post you will see her struggle was internal with herself.

It will be the same with you AND it will be the same with your H. Frankly, your H sounds a good bit like SKM's H. See what she says about him and how he helped her by supporting her.

You might get more from her posts by looking up her other posts. But, the point is that if your H realizes that he is not in this alone, and clearly he is not, then it will help him to hang in there with you. You must remember above all else that he will question himself alot and he will need your assurances that he is doing the right thing and you do want to want him.

Finally, just to repeat I think you both need to come to a deeper understanding of what your abuse did to you. A lot of things will be clearer to both of you.

Have a good weekend, you are doing well. Don't forget that.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

You're right. I need help. Professional help from someone who specailizes in abuse. I plan to find someone right after the holidays. In the meantime, I seem to keep circling back around to the same place I started -- thinking that the effort to get back those loving feelings for my husband is futile because they were never there to begin with.

I'm sure the abuse has affected me in ways that I am not even aware of. Not just the abuse itself, but my parents' reaction to it -- feeling as though my mother blamed me, and the fact that my father was either left out of the loop or chose not to get involved. Either way, nobody protected me or ever told me it wasn't my fault. That's a lot of shame to carry around.

I have always considered myself a warm, open person... so the idea that I'm really an expert at keeping secrets and putting up walls is taking some time to get used to. It's probably true, I just can't quite wrap my brain around it yet.

However, a couple of things I have known to be true for awhile. What happend to me as a kid made me: (1) needy of male attention and affirmation... but at the same time (2) feeling damaged and unworthy. Back in my single days, I had no problem attracting guys, dating, even sustaining longer relationships with guys I didn't consider "intimidating". But whenever I met someone who really made me feel weak in the knees, I'd write him off as "out of my league".

In an earlier thread, JL, you suggested that if I really did marry my husband based on friendship rather than love, that I had deceived and used him. Maybe that's true. But if it is, I certainly didn't do it maliciously. Maybe I did it because it was the only way I could feel safe and unthreatened. And what if all this rooting around in my past just reaffirms that notion?

My husband is not the same person I married. And he is MUCH different from the man he was just three months ago. On the other hand, I could name at least half a dozen men I consider wonderful, considerate, caring guys.. but for whom I could never picture myself having romantic feelings.

I just keep going around and around in circles. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

--SC

SC,

I doubt you are going in circles. I think you are spiraling and that means you are making progress although slowly.

I am going to tell you something that will NOT make sense to you. I spent my growing up period a military brat. Changed schools almost every year and sometimes two or three times a year. I have lived all over the world, and I still travel a good bit to various places on the globe.

What I found was that there were MANY woman out there I could have married, loved, and been happy with. Many, many.

But, what it really came down to was the person I married had to be my friend first and foremost. Had to have similar views about rearing children, education, and I realization that what I do for a living is pretty consuming at times.

I found that woman and I married her. Now here is the part I think you don't grasp. I loved her, but not passionately. I have been married 30 years now and frankly I love her more today than yesterday or the day before, or when I married her. Why? Part of it was a conscious decision on my part. I promised her parents, my parents, our minister, and assembled guests that I would take care of her and LOVE her as in the verb. And I have done that, and been rewarded for my efforts.

I came to this site many years ago because I was losing focus on that goal, and what I learned here changed my perspective and revitalized my marriage.

You are looking for passion in your marriage, and it is often assumed that you must have passion to have a good marriage. It is in fact the opposite of this. If you have a good marriage, and you focus on acting loving to your H and he you, the passion will come. It comes from the realization of how special this is.

I realize you need counseling to deal with your abuse issues and I do agree with you that they are more profound than you can see because you have had them for so long.

But, I think as you deal with them, as you realize you are married to a man that you can trust and who will protect you, you will start to see him differently. You will start to see that IF you will let him, HE will be passionate with you and that will start to affect you in profound ways.

Because he has protected you either consciously or unconsciously for all of these years he is reluctant to show you what he NEEDS, what he WANTS, what he DESIRES. I suspect it is there, and PASSION is one of the things he would like to show you, but he fears hurting you.

Your addressing your abuse issues will not only help you, but they will help your H in ways you cannot understand right now. He is not the man he was 3 months ago, and as you address your issues, he will change even more. But, I think you will like, be facinated, and perhaps even passionate about the changes. But, first you must change, and in this case it means addressing and then healing from what you have suffered as a child. It is NOT your fault, it is not your H's fault, but you now have a way to control the damage by addressing this issue.

Your man is hurting and has been for a long time, but he is there with you, not out of weakness but out of strength. He has had the strength to hold to his promise to do his best to love you and protect you. Most of the men you find interesting would be gone in heart beat given your current situation.

You don't know it yet, but you selected well, when you selected your man to be your H. I think you will come to appreciate this.

So don't despair, enjoy the holidays, enjoy your H, and then see about the counseling. It will open your eyes in many ways, but do shop around and find the best you can and one that suits your style.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL --


I will hold out hope that this is true. You're right that this is what I want. If you're right about how to get it, I still have hope.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Merry Christmas to you and yours!

--SC

SC,

Oh YES! you have hope. More than you realize. I just looked at your age and realized something. Apart from everything else you are in the age bracket for women to go through mid-life crisis. Just something else for you to get through. But, you can and I think you will.

Trust me on this if nothing else SC, life actually gets better as you get older. I know it is not fashionable or protrayed that way in the media, but it really does. You have a lot of good things to look forward to and from what you have said about your H, he is someone you can share it with and fully enjoy it.

Hang in there, you have a lot of reasons to have hope.

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

God Bless,

JL

Hi all,

I start IC tomorrow. With our MC. He says this is normal -- for one spouse to continue counseling with the MC if he/she has individual issues to work through. Any thoughts about that?

Also, I sincerely hope I have the strength to follow this through. I don't feel very strong right now. More like weak, scared... and sad. Very sad.

Ugh. Sorry for the self-pitty party. I know I put myself here.

Say some prayers for me anyway, would you?

Thanks.

--SC

Hi SC,

i'm sorry you are feeling so down today. IC can be very scary. i can so relate. robby (from i'ville) really helped me get my butt at that first IC session. if i can do it, you can do it too.

is the MC a male? you said "he". I will tell you this, it is NOT a good idea for you to do IC with a male. and from what i understand, any good male C would not agree to do IC with a woman.

i had very bad experience with a male MC that then became my IC. granted things were VERY screwed up for me back then. my dad had just died and i had just started the PA with the main guy from the internet. this C told me that it is understandable that i was having an affair, and he told me he did not think my husband loved me. under his "counsoling" i moved closer towards a divorce, including telling the kids, which he himself pushed me to do, "that is the next step" then when i started having second thoughts, based on my own feelings for my family and based on my H's reaction towards everything that was going on, he told me that if i was going to change my mind, he could no longer by my C (since we had told the kids, reversing plans now is child abuse and he would have nothing to do with it) and so i stopped C with him (best choice i could of made).

now, i'm not saying the above occured because he was male, the above occured cuz he was a terrible C. however, i have heard, good C will not do IC with people of opposite sex.

SC

I know this is tough but you will make it to the other side.

I know this is not what your post and thread is about, but I wanted to give you an ata-girl.

I have printed your sitch and couple of threads and they are an inspiration to me. I also have them out hoping my WW will read them and find hope in what you have already been through and are working toward.

Keep up the good work. You are in my prayers. I promise, I just prayed for you about your session today. God's speed.

SC,

Good luck and hang in there. I think if you take anything FL has to say, it is be aware that there are bad counselors out there, and if you sense your new one is not in sync with you...find another one.

I do think you will be very happy you have done this.

God Bless,

JL