Hi everyone. I just found something out about myself and it's a significant change in the right direction. I've dated a bunch of girls lately and come to find out that none of them has worked out but it's o.k. and I'll tell you why. My counselor told me that it isn't unusual for people to find a partner with similiar traits as their ex-wife. I never really understood that until now. My wife was a project. I don't mean to generalize all women but the ones I've come to know all have this same characteristic of wanting someone to save them. Some of them have been really lonely and their biological clock was ticking. Some were in a bad living arrangement and wanted to move in and some, like my ex-wife, wanted me to make their life better. Here's what I found out. I'm not interested in a relationship based on these factors. I don't want a "fix-her-upper." I want to be with someone whose realistic and honest about who they are and what they want. And for me, I want to be able to recognize these people more and try to keep them.

[color:"blue"] Goody for you Coughlin. I too tended to pick men that while they had different personalities, underneath it they were withholding and passive aggressive.

I had to learn to pick up on the weird little red flags that pointed to this sort of person.

V. [/color]

I see it as a learning process. These people seem comfortable to us because that is what we know, so we gravitate toward them. We need to retrain ourselves to make healthy choices.

"Fix her uppers!" I like that. A buddy of mine had a similar philosophy about these types of women......a wounded dove usually morphs into a pissed off hawk at some point. Not sure I buy that......but what do we do? I mean if we search for perfection, we arent going to find it in others or ourselves.

Eeveryone has baggage...Good luck finding someone who doesn't. I want a better life...a man who's going to support me for once...financially and emotionally...rather than the other way around...so that makes me a fixer-upper...I highly doubt it! It makes me strive to find a man who is worthy of me.

I think I'll just stay single.

Thanks for replying everyone but Alluring, I'm not saying that I'm looking for someone without baggage. I'm saying that I need to look for someone that wants me for me and not because they are lonely or they want to move in or they want to fit in. I've missed the boat on a lot of fantastic women out there who are generally happy with their lives and don't need something outside of themselves or me in order to feel complete.

Coughlin,
I hear what you are saying. I think back to all the weddings where the groom and the bride make some comment about the other "completing them." What a bunch of excrement of the equine variety that is. I dont want anyone to complete me. I do quite well on my own thank you very much. What I would like to have at some point in the future, is someone that would compliment me.

OK, the word use is one of my work pet peeves. People use these words incorrectly frequently.

Compliment – to say something that expresses praise and approval to somebody, to give somebody a gift as a sign of respect or affection, to congratulate somebody

Complement - something that completes or perfects something else; either of two things that form a unit; a quantity of things or people that is considered complete

Newly,
thanks! What I meant was complement. Believe it or not, this south Texas redneck does know the difference. I will use the excuse of being on my first cup of coffee when I wrote that. Thanks for calling my attention to it.

I'm anal retentive (no surprise) but complement means to complete something. I was thinking of it in terms of Venn Diagrams as in being a part of something else.
I am amazed how many people get this wrong in formal business writing (I'm sure after their first cup of coffee).

I want to meet someone special too, and worry that I may come across as a "fix her upper" because of all the "stuff" I still have to deal with my X - threats to pursue additional custody, claims of bad parenting, etc. I'm sure I look great to all the wonderful guys out there.

Newly,
the issues with the ex are something that I am blessed to not have to deal with. I so much feel for all those that do, which I understand are most. While I am a little fearful that I am not a father at the age of 45, I am happy that I dont have to continually deal with me ex as a result of having that tie. I can only imagine at how difficult it is to heal if you have to continually deal with the ex on child issues. So, I will be mindful of that in the future.
Given my situation, I know I wont mind entertaining a relationship with someone with children. I feel that I have missed out on a lot by not being a father. There is definitely a ying and a yang to each situation. Hope I'm not threadjacking here.

Tx, I think it's part of the package. I think there are many people out there who are yet to find out what great parents they will be, and may get the chance through marriage. Given my X's issues, I hope to find someone who doesn't have children, but who is willing to love my children as their own. I forsee huge counseling costs for my kids - and they are so unbelievebly amazing people. My children just want to be loved - unconditionally. They will swarm around someone who will give them that, far from their withholding father.

Newly, I understand that we all have different perspectives based on our circumstances in life and I didn't mean to generalize and dismiss your situation. I just think that there are people out there right now that are looking for a Mr. Fix it and I don't wanna be that person. I see people getting involved for all the wrong reasons as I'm sure everyone has and I believe that no matter what kind of baggage a person has and I know I have them, I don't need a crutch. My heart is gonna heal and things are gonna get better in my life not because I found someone special but because I am someone special. That baggage that you are referring to is what makes us unique and gives us flare. I could probably hide it but that would just make me ordinary.

May I suggest that we are dealing with semantics here? And not just an "e" or an "i" in a word, Newly. (BTW, Greek Peak is on. I've got a job!)

We all are looking for something to complement us. If we were entirely self-sufficient and complete in and of ourselves, we wouldn't need relationships at all.

However, no one wants someone who is in shambles, who is liable to use them to continue emotionally unhealthy habits, to avoid reality, or to pay the bills.

So really, I think we all agree. How's that for playing my FOO peacemaker role to perfection? LOL.

Very Good GG, and I'm glad to hear that we are on. I'll call to set up details. Just back from Chi-town and heading to Poconos tomorrow.