I have been lurking for a couple of months now. I am really not the type to join forums or blogs so this is a first for me. My story is so familiar to all the rest it gives me some assurance that I am on the right path to recovery.
My FWW & I (BS) met 4 years ago @ a singles class @ church. I had been divorced for 7 years and she for 6 years. FWW had 2 children from previous marriage and I have two. (In college)We became friends and learned we had very much in common and fell in love and married within 6 months. We had a fairy tale marriage; we enjoyed just being together and very quickly put our lives back together from many of the past hurts. We shared everything on a very deep level and had such a tremendous “connection”. We were able to put our finances together to enable us to purchase our dream home about 18 months ago. FWW would always tell me and others she had never been so happy and that she could not even believe that someone like myself even existed. I only had the utmost admiration and love for her and was living the life and marriage that I only could dream about before I met her. Well about 18 months ago we decided together that she should go back to school to get her Doctorate so she could advance further in her job. FWW has a very good job that allows her much freedom, but still many responsibilities. Life got very busy for both of us and we were not able to spend as much time together as in the past but we were working to build a more secure future for us. In May 2005 I was promoted to a manager position and my schedule became very busy as well, but it meant more money and better benefits. We still did many of the week-end things we had always done but I started to notice small changes in FWW. She would look away from me when I would kiss her, I would ask her if everything was o.k. and she would assure me she was o.k. Issues with the children started to come up more often and she would have “the looks” in her face that I had never seen before. I convinced myself that she was just burdened with all her work and classes and children responsibilities and that I just needed to give her space to breath and not add to her worries by me hounding her about what might be wrong. Our communication and affection became very sparse, we rarely made love and I just convinced myself that it was because of all the work and stress we were both under and that it would all let up in a few months when she completed her PhD.
On 09/17/05 we were out just running around together on a week-end that we had just to ourselves (the kids were with their dad). Holding hands and I just trying to re-connect, when her cell phone rings. I think nothing of it, I hear a mans voice on the phone and FWW has this sweet voice talking to him about how much she appreciated the help on writing a research paper for one of her classes she quickly ends the conversation and I still think nothing of it until I ask her who that was and she tells me a woman’s name. Well at that moment and time my little perfect “bubble world marriage” ended. She had just lied to me, I waited a couple of minutes and every hair on my body was standing on end. I then asked her again who it was that I could hear it was a mans voice I told her. She paused for a minute the asked me if I loved her. I said yes but who was it, she told me a man that she had class with. We went directly back to the house to talk. FWW said it was just a friend that she had become attracted to and she just felt bad that she had not told me, but she assured me it was just friendship and I should not worry. I tried to take assurances from her words but every fiber in my body told me there was more to this, so the next week I started to find out who this man was that she told me about, the more I checked the less it made since the name of the person just didn’t make since. I finally was able to get her cell phone records a few days later and was feeling terrible that I was snooping into her business. After studying her cell records I came across a number that was called many times every day @ odd times. I tried to do a reverse look-up to see who’s number it was, but no luck. So I went and purchased a temporary cell phone and called the number, no answer but I did get the voice mail. The name was one of her professors and a person who she had been working with on projects for the Distrist she works. I did an online investigation on him and found that he was married for 16 years and had 3 children, so I could not believe anything could be going on, but decided to confront my FWW about what I had found out. I confronted her on 09/23/05 I had the cell phone records and the investigation results in hand and she had the “deer in the head lights” look when I came into the house. I told her I did not believe the name she gave me was the name of her friend; she just sat there looking stunned. I told her the name and she said yes she had lied to me but she just didn’t want me to worry since it was someone she worked with, but that it was just a friendship and that they had gotten to close. Things were very tense and I told her it didn’t make sense to me. She told me that OM wanted to call and apologize to me and I said that would be fine. The next day at work I get a phone call from him and he starts by apologizing about being to good of a friend to my wife, then he starts to tell me how I should really cherish her because she is such a special lady. I tell him to leave my wife alone or there would be ****** to pay and I hang up the phone. I believed there was much more to the story but had no proof so I tried to let it go. About 3 days later, while searching for answers to what I was feeling, I found this web-site and started to read. I found the section on affairs and the picture started to become very clear. I sent my FWW an e-mail link to Marriage Builders and just ask her to read. It was later that afternoon that she e-mailed me back to say that she found it very interesting and would like to talk to me before she lost her nerve, but to not to worry it was nothing “earth shattering”. That afternoon D-Day 09/27-05 when I got home she was sitting on the back porch and the kids were not home I knew it was not going to be good. FWW told me that she had fallen in Love with the other man and they had slept together twice. I asked her if she still loved me and what she wanted. She said she never intended to hurt me and I was a good man that she respected me but she didn’t know how she could be in love with 2 men at the same time, and that she had met her soul-mate in life but he was married and had children and she didn’t want to be the cause of breaking up his marriage. I had read the entire Marriage Builders section and kind of had an idea of what I should or shouldn’t do. Before this we had always discussed that should ever either one of us to be unfaithful our marriage would be over and I believed it in my heart. But the truth is once faced with the prospect of losing someone you truly love I wanted to see if I could save our marriage and asked her for some time. She said she would not lead me on and she didn’t know if she wanted to be married to anyone but she would give it some time. I told her I loved her very much and was very hurt, and I would not be part of a love triangle. I asked her to call the OM and decide what they wanted to do, that she would need to move out if she wanted to be with him. She left for a couple of hours and came back and told me he wanted her to pack her bags and leave and come be with him. Don’t ask me what he thought she was going to do with the 5 children involve???. She told him she couldn’t do that so she had decided to stay and try to work things out even though she felt like running away.
The next week after me having slept or attempted to sleep on the couch and very confused feelings FWW gets a phone call from her mother telling her that her father had a heart attack and was close to death. FWW called in a panic asking what she should do and I told her to just get in the car and go (they live 9 hours away) and I would take care of the children and not to worry that we would be o.k. FWW spent the next 4 weeks helping tend to her father, I made two trips over the week-end to be with her and her family. I took the kids one week-end for the surgery in which he only had a 20% chance of surviving(he is currently still in a long term care facility, recovering). I was with her on the phone and by her side in a supporting way and felt that things were getting better. I knew there was no way for me to know if she was still talking to him or not, so I decided to install a key logger on her computer while she was gone. On 10/25/05 she returned home and I picked her up at the airport. We went home I went to take a bath, when I came out she was on the computer. She then went to get ready for bed I got on her computer and looked at the key logger. She had just opened a e-mail from him in which he described their last love encounter before she had left. She said she loved him and couldn’t wait to see him. My cool at this point was totally lost, I went to the bedroom and told her what I had found and that I wanted her to pack her and the kids cloths and leave immediately. She broke down completely into a crying sob on the floor and got very sick to her stomach. At that point all the anger left me and all I could do was try and console her. She begged me not to make her leave and said she loved me very much, but had been unable to get him to let go and she was afraid that she would lose her job if he chose to tell her employers. We spent hours talking and I told her that I wanted her to send a NC letter to the OM and that it had to be that way or it was over. She agreed and the next day she sent me his and her secret e-mail address and passwords. I went into the account and all but the last e-mail had been deleted. I went to his account it was empty but she forgot to empty the trash. There was 148 e-mails starting with their very first encounter. It was very hard to read the way in which they talked to each other and the very graphic details of their sexual encounters. She sent the NC letter and I sent him a letter as well giving him the choice of following the NC or me destroying his life. My FWW has since dropped all her Doctoral classes, cancelled all her business trips and stopped all projects she was working on with him. This past week we had a details talk in which she told me how they were just friends but that in May of this year they had by chance met each other @ a conference in Houston and started to talk. He told her about how unhappy he was in his marriage and FWW told him that she was sorry, that she had such a good life and was so happy in her marriage. They started having coffee and lunch together in June while he talked to her about his problems and it was during this time that we had a problem with her daughter sneaking a boy into our house and that I told her that she needed to take a firmer hand with the children or there were going to be more problems. The OM has a PhD. in adolescent physiology and she started talking to him about the problems we were having with our daughter. She said he was very attentive and had many good suggestions, and it was during this time she started having an attraction to him. She said she knew it was wrong but felt that it was just a friendship!!!
A month later she had a conference in New Orleans with a group of fellow workers and OM was their on business as well one night after the conference the group went to dinner and they ordered drinks. We had stopped all drinking when we got married because we knew it could cause problems. She said she got very drunk. I remember talking to her on the phone and she didn’t sound o.k. but I talked to her on the way back to the hotel just to make sure she made it. What I didn’t know is that she left again with the OM and others and went partying until 1:30 A.M. She said she started making passes and flirting with him. OM told FWW that he could not take advantage of her that she was drunk and didn’t now what she was saying. One of her co-workers took her aside and ask her what she was doing, that she would do anything to have the man in her life that my FWW had and the life we have together. My FWW said the co-worker (who is female) stayed with her the rest of the night. The next day my FWW apologized to OM and said it wouldn’t happen again. About two weeks later after meeting for coffee and lunch every day they met @ a park to have lunch. He told her that he had fallen in love with her and wanted to be with her. She told him that it had all just been a big mistake and that she loved her husband but that she had deep feelings for him as well. It was just about a week after the park that he came to her office and closed the door and pulled her to him and they kissed. She told him she loved him too but they couldn’t do this to their families. The next day he came to her office and told her he had a place they could go and visit in private. They drove to a hotel and went to the room and talked and then had sex 08/23/05. A week later they went to a conference together in Houston again and stayed in the same room together. (This was new details to me). Then after I had been told it was only a friend he picked her up for lunch and had a Hotel room again.

My FWW has since her break-down done everything I have asked. She provides with her schedule, calls me and constantly assures me that there is no more contact. She has read His needs Her needs, she visits the MB web site she has read Not Just Friends. She tells me this is the most selfish and stupid thing she has every done. I want to believe her!!! I find it hard to look her in the eyes. I find myself wondering who I married. How could I have been so fooled? She is now afraid that I will change my mind and decide to leave. She says she loves me more now that ever.

I have not talked to a single person about this; my family loves and adores her. I really don’t want to involve them. My FWW does not want me talking about the affair to anyone because it would cost her job if it were found out. She said if we had to move or her change jobs she would be willing.
This forum has been a tremendous help to me even if I have not participated. I thank all those who have the courage to fight thought all the emotions that an affair causes and shares them with others. I look forward to your loving suggestion.

BS (47) me
FWW (40)
D-Day 9-27-05

Your story sounds very promising. If your wife has dropped her classes and has no contact with him, I see no reason to expose the affair.

It does seem lie she gets it.

How are you feeling about all of this that you went through? You did a great job. Are you feeling resentful at all?

Merlin2 I am very impressed with your composure and the way you've carried yourself. I doubt any newbie could have done better. You should feel good about what you've done, how you've treated your WW, and the results.

I'm still a newbie here, but anyway here is my view: if it were me I would continue to monitor closely, and to be sure I use methods WW does not know about - hidden voice recorder or phone tap or whatever. So long as WW continues to conduct herself well, I wouldn't expose or take further action, other than to build a better relationship with her.

<Edited to add: But I'm sure that's a minority opinion on MB! As you know there are a zillion caring people her with tons of experience, and listening to them will serve you well. >

But that's only one of the big questions. Also important one is how YOU are doing. So how ARE you doing? I hear about 10 tons of self-control and composure, but underneath all that how do you FEEL about your WW (possibly FWW) and about your M? If you can say something about your internal emotional life it will be good for you, and helpful to the dialogue on your thread. What do you think about that idea?

Welcome to MB. You did a really good job btw. Did you expose the A to OMW? She really needs to know and that is insurance for you against the A igniting again.

Resentful is an interesting word. Yes I feel resentful, angry and at times down right contempt. We had hardly ever even had a harsh word toward each other before the affair. We never argued or fought These feelings have added a whole new aspect to our marriage that never existed before. I am having a very hard time in providing some of her EM. i.e. “admiration” Part of my FWW needs has been the need for admiration. The other man told her he worshiped her and constantly fed her need for admiration. Well I have always told her in the past how proud I was of her. The problem lies in that I don’t tend to worship anyone on this earth. She has a very supportive network of co-workers who work for her that constantly are feeding her ego. It never bothered me before, now it just makes me want to through-up. As I said my family or hers knows nothing of the affair so they still believe she hung the moon.

It's good you can perceive those emotions. And no doubt there are lots more lurking inside. Overwhelmed? Tearful, maybe? Weighed-down? Unfairly treated? Conspired against? ... and probabably 20 more...

Assuming your WW conducts herself like your wife, it seems to me that the hard part is going to be dealing with your emotions. I've had a heck of a time with it. Self-control is pretty important, to keep from further damaging the relationship. From your initial post, I think you have plenty of self-control.

But it's not all about self-control, it's about coming to terms with the A. For that you will likely need to discuss with friends, counselors, relatives, etc. Have you given any thought to that dimension?

P.S. To me it makes perfect sense that a woman who pursues a Ph.D. may have a strong need for admiration.

Thank you for the kind words. Self controlled, even-tempered, grace, class and kind hearted are words my WW would use to describe me. How do I feel? I only wanted to make her happy I have been kind to her and her children. I have been nothing but good to her. I love her and I hate her. I do not want another failed marriage. I have lived enough in this life for a dozen people and thought I had learned enough hard lessons to enable someone to love me as much as I loved them. How can someone you believe loves you do this with the cavalier attitude “that the French do it all the time”. (Have a family and have a lover on the side.) This is what she told me and the OM to help justify her actions. So even though I maintain my dignity and class, I am major PISSED OFF.

No I have not talked to OM wife. OM told WW that he told his wife everthing and that she should do the same. I decided to just let "dead dogs lie". It is not his marriage or wife that concerns me.

Merlin,

You killed me with your story. I've read a lot of them but something about yours hit home. I'm sorry you need to be here but I'm glad you came.

IMHO, you have started what in reality is a LONG process. This isn't a harmless "speed-bump" in your life. This is life-changing. Your feelings of anger and contempt are real and valid. What you do with them will help shape your future with your wife.

I have learned (the hard way) that this is not a problem easily solved and that all of the "I'm sorry", "It won't happen again", "I understand how I messed it up", "I'm not like that anymore", or whatever, won't change a thing unless your she changes in her heart of hearts. Even emotional breakdowns with lots of tears and fetal positions can be false recoveries. (The can also be lasting, real things.) What I'm trying to say is don't let it just be words or temporary guilt talking. Keep the horse in front of the cart and GO GET COUNSELLING from a good PRO MARRIAGE counselor. Leave no stone unturned. If you don't fix this the right way now you'll have holes in your marital roof in a few years. You don't want this pain twice.

I don't mean to sound cynical. Please don't let it come off that way. I just want to arm you with some of what I didn't have the first time my FWW decided to screw around.

I'm glad you're here. If you need anything, just ask. You'll be in my prayers.

-Fluke

You really should think about exposing this to the OM's wife. She needs to know what's going on also. If the roles were reversed, would you want her to tell you that your wife had been involved in an affair?

One of my biggest regrets was not knowing and understanding the benefits of exposure to turn on the lights of reality for all parties. Affairs feed egos. Exposure puts egos on diets. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Merlin2,

""OM told WW that he told his wife everthing""

I bet you a dime to a doughnut the Ahole never said ONE WORD to his wife. And she totally needs to know.

k

Merlin-

First, I agree that you've done all the right things so far...with the exception that you still need to reveal this whole thing to OMW. Regardless if your wife or anyone else feels this is the right thing to do...you know what you would have wanted HER to do if she had found out about this first.

Other than that, I would suggest that you make darn sure that you ARE checking up on your wife at this point. Is she showing signs of withdrawl from the end of the affair? You need to be making the effort to ensure that contact has not resumed in any way.

Counseling would help the both of you tremendously too...preferably with someone who understands infidelity and it's impacts on a marriage...and who is PRO marriage to boot.

Try to keep your cool...try to learn to withold judgment on your wife when she does manage to sit down and talk with you about all of this. You've done great so far...now just keep working on dealing with the aftermath of all of this.

Merlin2
Welcome to MB you are a quick study and seem to have handled yourself very well.

Exposure is meant to end the A...not exposing to OMW could be risky...that could leave the door open for A to restart. DO NOT believe for one minute what OM says. He sounds like a world class manipulator, probably is not his 1st A...he had things set up too neatly. but I can understand about focusing on your M and not getting tangled up w/ OM & OMW.

Are you in MC?

Ditto. Furthermore, the OM is probably lying about having told his W about his affair with your W. But a more important reason for telling the OM's W is so that she can become an ally in keeping the OM honest. If the OM knows that you told his W, and he gets panicky, he will avoid contacting your W like the plague because he is now going to be under the watchful eye of his W. So please think about contacting the OM's W ASAP.

TMCM

Sorry for the delay in answering. My job requires a certain amount of attention, even though I am the boss. I know from reading the forum for the past several months there a many views and strong feelings in regards to exposure. I have used plan “A” to its fullest effect with the intent to move to plan “B” contingent upon my WW response. My WW actions have equaled her words. I have not rested solely on her words alone though. I did plant a voice recorder in her car last week and heard her telling the co-worker how much better things were with me and that she had not talked to OM since no contact. I get great satisfaction from the fact that I may not have a PhD. But I sure as hel* outsmarted two people that were so full of themselves that they didn’t believe they would ever be caught. My thoughts Learn to Trust but Verify the Truth.
As far as the OM wife is concerned I have evidence that she knows of the Affair which satisfies me she knows.

Fair enough. Have you guys looked into counselling?


Again, fair enough. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Counseling is something she has offered to do. I am very hesitant!!!! I was married for 16 years in my prior marriage, when we started having problems we went to a pro-marriage Christian counselor. We went for the better part of a year and it seemed that we only dug the whole deeper with each session. We have been sourcing all the available information and spending time together reading and discussing what we learn. Our problem currently is trying to put in perspective the time required to repair the damage done to our marriage. While I do understand leaving “no stone left unturned” I also understand there comes a time you just have to let it go, move forward or move on. I believe we are all damaged goods and the difference between those who stay forever damaged and those who heal is up to the individual I chose to heal or move on.

merlin2,

Here's an article from Peggy Vaughn from Beyond Affair Network and author of 'The Monogamy Myth', hope it helps:



TMCM

Merlin, I'm with the ones who advise counseling.

At the time of my xh's affair, I thought I could have forgiven him and if the marriage could have survived, I would have not looked back.

I will be divorced 2 yrs tomorrow. Looking back at it all now, I don't think I could have gotten past all the thoughts, lies, and everything else that comes with affairs.

This site is wonderful, I'm glad you have found it!

I really think it would be beneficial for you and your wife to go to counseling.

Maybe your marriage will be stronger than ever!

Karona

Well, the choice for counseling is yours and hers. In my case, I don't know that we would have made it without the help of our MC. But, I'd like to add that it was the help of our SECOND MC...not the first one we went to.

The first one actually was on the right track. She knew that we couldn't get anywhere until my wife actively chose to work on the marriage...which my wife at that time refused to do. This MC seemed more 'on my side' than on my wife's...so my wife absolutely HATED going to her and refused to take any of the action that she recommended...even though what she recommended was the right things. It was the lack of tact that caused the issue there...coupled with the fact that my wife was still in contact and suffering because she knew that the affair was doomed at that point.

Our second MC was actually my IC during this time...and once my wife decided to stay and work on the marriage, I suggested we go to him for MC...and it worked like a charm. He didn't side with either of us...he didn't let us drag things on and on either. He provided a safe haven for us to resolve things that were too tough for us to handle ourselves at that time...and helped BOTH of us understand what the other was going through at that time and to help each of us work out how we can best help ourselves and each other.

I still thank God for his MC...he was what we needed when we needed it. God provided for us there.

Perhaps you might try finding someone who can help ya'll out this time? Steve Harley is supposed to be excellent...and remember that he's the author of most of what this site is based off of. I know that he's "pricey"...but I've also always heard he's well worth the price.