pep, you are right, i am not a buyer, i am a renter.

i don't have anymore in me to give.

and if my problem the last few days is just that i am trying to get away with becoming that little girl again, then, please, 2x4 it out of me.

Care to expand on this FL?

actually i have been trying to, to no avail really.

maybe i am just way too tired. i have been trying hard to journal at least enough to keep track of my good vrs bad days. mainly i go in and update it when i am struggling extra and not able to self-soothe. then i update it again when i am feeling better. the last time in there was 12/1.

during the last episode of feeling so down, i was once again, working way too much and not sleeping enough.

another poster (shaden) put it perfectly...

with minor adjustments: "I just don't feel like his Princess... just the mother of his kids, so the right thing is to "tolerate" me. Don't get me wrong... he is not nasty or doesn't put me down... I just am not made to feel special and haven't in a very long time. I guess my expectations of a good marriage are way off base... or my needs are unrealistic."

I resent being married and loving him as much as I do while not having the "feel good, fairytale" marriage.

i read here, it does not help.

everyone here is so enthusiastic about having a stronger marriage.

FBHs so proud and happy to have their FWWs in their lives still.

BHs desperately wanting to get thru to their WWs because they love them so much.

what is wrong with me???

I heard something on the radio yesterday that raelly stuck with me,

"disappointment is the distance between our expectations and our experience..disillusionment is the loss of our illusions"

perhaps you need to accept his limitations?

FF, how does one really do that. how do i change my needs??

i can for short times but then i keep coming back to how i feel right now. unloved, unappreciated, tolorated at best.

you are telling me that i should give up the concept of being his friend?

fyi: i have to go back to the lab, so if i don't respond it is not because of anything posted here. just very hectic at work. i just got a call to go back to the lab.

No, I am saying that perhaps your perception of what that is and his are different.

FL,

If he were to behave in the manner you wish he would, what would that look like? I mean - what specific actions could he take that would meet the needs you have?

back from lab.... and maybe you all are gone now, i have a few things to finish up in my office now and then i will be gone too. and thankfully, i will not be back into office until jan 3!!


froz, very good question.

1. call me at some point during the day just to say hi, how ya doing. i generally wake up and get my DD to school and then head into office, sometimes i take DD to school, come back and get DS out of the door. generally if i am home for kids, he will stay in bed. to be fair, with so many late days that i have had to work lately, he has been the one to get up allowing me to sleep in a bit. but on a normal day, if we have not seen each other at all, it would mean a lot to me if he were to call and say hi. and it would mean a lot to me if that call occured in the morning or early afternoon. it tells me he is thinking about me enough to set aside 5 mins to call me. i don't see how that is asking so much.

i won't say he never calls, but there are many days when he does not think of me enough to call. and that hurts. i want to be more important to him.

2. look for ways to make my life a bit easier. i have so many responsibilities to juggle. when my life gets too hectic, it would mean a lot to me if he were to keep the house running, arrange what is for dinner and look for any way to pitch in. today is an example, i was hoping to have started my vacation yesterday, due to some urgent problems, i ended up working, today we are going to vacation house just for two nights. i have had a long day, for me to have to drive home (opposite direction of vac house) just to pick them up and literally back track the same path as we go to the lake, adds, at best an hour on my traveling. i asked him if the kids and he would take train to town i work in instead. train is 1 block from house. yes, due to not pre-planning, they would have to carry shoulder bags of clothes for the two nights. i had asked this question last night, such that we could of pre-planned, but he quickly dismissed it, didn't even consider how it would help me, just a quick answer of "not necessary". i realize it is not necessary, but it would be more pleasant for me, and i don't see how that is putting them out that much, the kids like the train, and i would be there to pick them up.

as it turns out, as my day got worse and worse, i pushed a bit harder and he is now taking train to meet me.

i just wish he would have said ok easier. why not just take a second, realize how it would positively impact me and just agree. if there is not positive impact for him, it's "not necessary".

see what i mean?

FF, if our perceptions are different, what does that mean for me? i have to give up my vision of the type of relationship i want with my H?

i dont' know, i'm probably being too sensitive. i'm a little calmer now, the lab issues are resolved, i just have to file the report and do a few other things to close up the office and start my vacation.

i'll be sure to start it with lots of sleep.

as for being an MB dropout... i'm not realy giving up or anything, i'm just tired.

maybe encouragement is what i really need.

there are many good cheerleaders here.

and i must admit, i so very much wanted to give him a new ring for christmas and i am sad that he does not want one. we have not talked about it for a long time, i promised not to ask him anymore, he promised to tell me when (if ever) he would want one.

i rambled on an on about 3. here are some others...

offer to give ME backrubs. or when i ask for one, give one happily. there have been times when i could tell he was into giving me the back rub, so i know he has it in him, it just does not happen offer. i give him a lot of backrubs and he throughly enjoys them.

buy me flowers. doesn't have to be dozens of roses, i am pretty easy going, a 7.99 bouquet from dominicks is just fine with me.

turn off tv after kids are in bed so we can talk / play a game.

FL,
I'm so sorry you're going through a tough time. Wish I had some encouraging words for you. I do hope you have a restful vacation. Glad to hear you're not really dropping out. I'd hate to lose a friend right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
--SC

Print out the list and give it to him, FL.

hi sc, i've read your thread, just had nothing to add right now. i do keep you in my prayers and i look for your posts. i've just not been posting much myself. JL is a very smart guy, i'm glad he is helping you. as for me i'm hanging in. i was not saying i was dropping out, sometimes i imagine, Franki Avolon, singing like from Grease, "Beauty School Dropout". that is what the subject referred too.

even when i'm totally discouraged and completely frustrated with myself and the whole thing... i manage to try to slip in a little humor, it is my only healthy defensive tool. keep myself trying to laugh a little.

FF, i don't know, i'm just going to try to relax and enjoy the next two weeks. no pressure. just relax

Sounds like you need to relax. Yeah me too. With work and school it is rough. For you it sounds like you work so much.

Just those little things. Honestly, how hard is a phone call? or just doing something nice for your S?

I do not know your story, but is your H depressed? I can tell you are..... You sound like me...... But the staying in bed thing could it be depression not rejection? Maybe he needs to see his doctor. I could be totally off base, but.....

I hope you enjoy your vacation.

FL,



With all due respect, one thing I am learning is...just because I feel that way, that doesn't make it a fact.

It sounds like you've got a clear idea of the ways your H can show you he cares.

Have the two of you filled out the EN questionnaire? Patriot and I purchased the workbook. I believe it to be worth every penny. Just knowing that affection is his #1 need didn't necessarily tell me how to get there. I had a talk with him one day and he gave me the very valuable answers regarding what specific actions not only meet his needs, but hit the target. He also shared with me the actions that are nice, but not as important as the ones he listed.

Perhaps one of the things that may be holding your H back from meeting these needs is that he doesn't exactly know what hits your target.

Even if you've told him before the things you would like, it is different when you are telling him in a setting that he can be open to listening as opposed to a situation derived from the heat of the moment where he may possibly feel blamed or criticized.

Don't give up!

you know fl

there is a song I heard the other day which seems so true for many here, me included in parts. Helps me to think about doing better from my persective as well...

Hi FL2:

I hope you are feeling calmer today.

I don't have any advice just an old Buddhist quote that I would like you to consider:

"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere."

Kindness starts with how you treat yourself.

thanks to those who have posted since my last post.

I am really enjoying being home and not at work!!!

presently i am in my winter jammies covered with smiling snowmen, DS is in school, his last day, DD and H are still happily sleeping. I am taking a short break from cleaning. The final present to my H just arrived. One package (a gift for my DD) still needs to arrive. Most presents are wrapped.

So Yes, CN, I am feeling much much calmer.

AW, I'm not sure what that song makes you think of, for me it is my kids, and yes, it makes me want to do much better! my mom cried most days, locking herself in her room, she was always so unhappy. i know i have already done better by my kids but it ain't over yet. thanks for the nudge to keep looking beyond myself.

RELAXING is definitely key for me. It is so much easier to let go of my fears and be a giver when i stay relaxed.

keeping that in mind, when i get back to work next year and life gets hectic again, i have to focus on relaxing!!!

Merry Christmas.