I am interest in finding out just what made you decide to give up on the M and get D? I would like some input please. I am the BS and really ready for a D. I have had no help or hoensty about his A. It has been a year of my trying and I am done. How did you tell them that youwanted a D and did they fight you on it ? I think my H will try to keep me in this farce of a M. He has a feeling of needing to take care of me out of a sense of duty, feels he owns me, thinks he loves me, I believe he keeps me in his back pocket, I take care of his problems and have always been there for him to lean on. I am tired and am about to quit my job of support system. How long does it take to move on ? Did any of the S's here try to follow you and or harass you. I think I will find my H sitting on my door step all the time. He has a problem even getting rid of old torn shirts and other things, so I am sure he will have a hard time loosing the woman who cleans, cooks, laundry, fixes problems, and have sex with him when he wants it. How do you pull away?

Realtor~~

I think each person has to get to that point in their own time, and when you reach it, you know you're there.

I stayed with my h for a year after I found out about affair. I tried to recover our M, was a good wife, started counseling, everything to try to save our marriage.
A year later, he told me he was in love with OW, and he couldn't imagine himself not being with her, the whole soul mate scenario. I STILL thought I could save our marriage.
There were a couple questionable acts on his part after he told me this, I still was determined to save it, and found excuses for him concerning these acts. Last straw I think was he went to his mother's home for a weekend. He met up with an old flame there, and paraded around with this person in front of his entire family. His mother, bless her heart, invited this woman to spend the night at her home, with my h there.
For me, that was the final blow. My sister in law called me and told me about this evening that she witnessed, and that was the final piece/peace. I have never regretted divorcing him. Sure, I hate it for my daughter's and it is not what I ever wanted for myself. I do know in my heart I gave over 100% to save the marriage, but he didn't want it.

He has never followed me, tried to get me back, or any of the things your mentioning.
I think I went to an attorney first, and then told him I had filed. [he of course did not want me to hire an atty.]
It was all very civil and matter of fact at the end.

Have you been to counseling? Mine C did tell me I was at the point of D. Which was helpful at the time for me to hear.

I will be thinking of you.
Karona

I went toC and it was great. But why bohter shelling out $90.00 a pop when he will not go. Says he wants to then doesn't come to appts. I have been watching and listening to him and his actions and words do NOT portray a man who wants to save his M. A few months ago Oct or 1st of Nov. this yr. he saw spoke to his OW at a company retirement party. He did not tell me just turned back into the mean verbally abuse man he had been a year ago. I had to drag it out of him that he had seen her. We had an agreement to tell immediately if he had seen her. He did not live up to that agreement. I knew immediately when he said to me that I was sexually unattractive to him. It ended that night after he told me of their meeting. However those words will always be there for me. I had heard this for 2 years. To hear it again just totally ruined me. I have had to deal with not going to find an OM to make me feel better. I do not think I could as I would have to show my old tired body to someone who does not my history and accept that I have many scars. So I know when we are over it will be the end as far as R go. I never want to hear those words again. It is just to painful. He says it was just riends well if so why was I sexually unatractive to him. I understand she is peitite and blond - I am tall and large boned with dark hair. So his tastes in W has changed over time. I do not do it for him anymore. I am skinny now. Men look at me. But I have shut down emotionally. After last night and him saying JUst Get Over it. I am done. No talk of his A has ever happened. He is a liar and cheat. I do not want him. Besides I think he was responsible for me having a severe urinary tract infection which I do not wish to discuss. I am a very extremely clean woman. I kept saying to myself how can I keep getting these infections. Now I know. I am sick to my stomach with my findings. I just don't want to be touched by him anymore.

Oh I'm sorry to read what you are writing.

You are bringing back thoughts that I have long tucked away, concerning UTI's and such. Funny how we block out things.
We also had the same agreement, only for me to find out that the sightings/communication were more than he disclosed to me. Mine also worked with his affair partner.

As far as C, I know what you mean. My x wouldn't attend either. Thankfully I had good insurance then, so $$ wasn't an issue. I went for my own mental self. When my insurance ended [after D was final] I stopped going. I could have used more, as the cuts are deep, but $100 a session was more than I could do. I used this site/people, books, and time!

It's very understandable that you have shut down towards men. Actually, be glad for that feeling right now, and that you have not turned to someone for comfort. You wouldn't feel good about yourself for that. I did meet someone after my h moved out, and began a relationship. There was guilt on my side and I wasn't prepared at all to be in another relationship. Still today, I'm unsure if I'm ready. Maybe someday when the right guy comes along, I will know? Not sure.
The words he has said to you go to the core of your being. I heard those same words from my h also. It makes you feel so unattractive/unwanted/ugly/not smart, anything but worthy. It's amazing to me when I see his ow/wife today. She is not a pretty person, in fact she looks unkept most of the time. I don't understand the attraction honestly, but, I have given up understanding the wayward mind.

I feel for you and understand where you are.
Karona

(((Realtor)))

I follow your posts, I hate that you are in this place, but you sound like you will be OK on the other side of this detour.

I hve also filed for D, I don't really want to be divorced. But I have to examine why I want to be married to this man. I keep saying, I asked him for nothing and that is exactly what I got - nothing. So I need to examine why I was willing to live like that for so long.

To me, the D is sorta like an elective surgery, I can live without it for awhile, but my quality of life will improve once I get recovered for it. (I have also been procrastinating on a hernia repair operation). I think of the D and the hernia in the same way. Why am I willing to live with this harmful protrusion (my guts and my WH <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ).

I want my WH to want me, I want my WH to feel some shame, I want to be worth the interaction that recovery would require. But, none of those things are my reality. Maybe I am just getting to a point where I can identify what it is that I need and want, and I can stop deluding myself that WH wants to be those things to me, or even has the capacity to be those things.

Like Karona said, everyone reaches their limit at different times. Mine was a year, but our marriage never had a chance. He moved out the day after I found out and lived the typical life of cake-eating, fence sitting WS. I went to counseling alone, we did end up going to one session together, but he was still involved w/ her. We never had a chance. The affair did eventually die on it's own, but it was WAY too late for me. I was done. It's amazing the transformation once the affair dies. I've never seen a more apologetic, guilt-ridden, remorseful man in my life. Having him apologize helped tremendously in my personal recovery but it took him a long time to get there. He WAS a complete alien during the affair, and now he's back to himself. I chose, primarily for our DD but for myself also, to forgive and not live w/ anger and bitterness, so we are now very good friends. We have a wonderful co-parenting relationship and even though he betrayed me worse than anyone ever in my life, I know he's got my back. We'll always care for one another, have a special bond, but I'm very very happy not being married to him anymore. Things are good.

I think Karona and I were married to the same man <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> My exWH also worked w/ his affair partner, he fell in love, soul-mates blah, blah...typical, unoriginal affair story. Problem is she was married and had no intentions of leaving her family.

My self-esteem was shot also, but it does get better! Trust me on that one....you'll finally realize that it's not about YOU, but about how the affair makes them feel. How many stories have we read on here of how unattractive the OW/OM are?

I'm sorry you may be suffering physically.....have you gotten yourself tested? I know how difficult it is...I'll never forget just sobbing at my Dr.s office within a month of finding out about his affair (and he denied SF w/ her at first <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)asking to get tested. I've never felt so horrible and humiliated in my life, but I was taking no chances.

Hang in there. I'm so sorry you find yourself at this crossroad.......be kind to yourself and sending (((hugs)))

DW

DW~~~

It is strange isn't? There are so many stories that read like ours.
My x's affair partner was married, and did intend on leaving her h. I think she gave up all $$ to be with my x. As far as I know, she gets no child support. My x has a very good job, and I'm sure she saw $$$$. However, she will not feel the effects of that until I remarry, which is going to be a slow process. Not out of revenge, but because I'm going to be very, very cautious.

My x would like to be my "buddy", I'm sure it would remove guilt [if in fact he has any], but being his buddy is not an option for me. If he would have ever apologized to me, maybe I could feel differently, but he remains as his almighty self with no remorse. I don't hate him I just don't feel a need to be close with him. I talk to him when needed, otherwise, he is a stranger to me.

Funny how you say it gets better. I have not felt that yet. The pain gets better, but the e-scars run deep!
I'm fortunate physically, [no visual scars], and the person I see in the mirror is attractive at 42, but, the person I view myself as in public is not the same. It all takes time, and lots of it apparently.

Karona

Yes, so strange, and what's funny is they ALL believe theirs is different <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I don't blame you here one bit. If my exWH wasn't so remorseful, we would not have the same relationship we have now. It's doesn't surprise me your ex continues to behave the way he does....he's w/ his affair partner and to apologize would be an admission that what he did was wrong. Make no mistake Karona, deep down, he knows what he did was not right, he's just in justification mode and will remain there while he's with her. My ex said he always knew what he was doing was wrong, he felt he was almost powerless to stop himself and couldn't understand it....he said it was like an addiction! His words, so I believe in Harley's theory.

I believe it's b/c your ex is not remorseful. Yes it does, I will always carry the scars, will always deal w/ the baggage of my ex's affair to some degree. To this day, he still can't believe I'm his friend and says I'm the best person he knows. I don't know about that, but what I do know is forgiveness has been very powerful for ME.

Hugs!
DW

He did say last night well if your not over it then maybe we should D. So I netend to tell him I agree with his statement. I know he will go into shock and become the Charming man he can be and try to fool me into staying. He is hard to resist. But I have been fooled to many times. I think if he starts the wooing again I am afraid I will just laught if he tells me how sexy, hot and beautiful again. I will feel like High School with a guy on the first date who cna' tremember your anme yet wants SF. Yeah sure and what color are my eyes. Always stumped them with that one. I used to laugh at them. I will tell him if he wants sex to just ask not to lie to me to get it. I will take while I have to and I do not have any STD's thank-god. I was ck'd for everything and due to go back again next month. So I do get myself ck'd.

I decided I wanted/needed to get divorced when I realised I lost all my love for ex-H.
I fought that feeling of no more love left nail and tooth. But whatever I tried, I just didn´t love him anymore.

I had been fighting to save our M long before that with professional - the most professional you can get in this field - but sometimes even all you can do and all your best isn´t enough and not good enough. You can´t do it all alone.

I´m sorry you´re in this situation. It´s the hardest decision to make.
But you´ll know it when you´re there.

Nora

I just talked to my H exSIL who has become friends with me over the years. I asked her about my H when he was with his 1st wife. Guess what they do not change - he had an A -pa on her as well. He was vebally abusive to her and said things like you are not sexually attractive to me. I wonder how he would like to hear that from me? I think I may make such a statement and see how he likes it. He has called me 2X's so far today this am. He has said ILY 3x's and I have changed the subject - once I did say it but do not feel it. I will stop saying it now. I am just trying to get thro the next few months to save $$$$$ and get a place of my own. I do not want to hire an attorney yet. I was hoping this would be soemthing we could do as friends. I will see. I think he is afraid of what is going to happen. We shall have to stay here until our waterront home sells. Then split the money. I do not want a war of the roses. I have a seperate exit from my bdroom. So that would work. I would not have to see him in the am and could put a tv in my bdroom for evenings. He can use the rest of the house. I want an agreement that we shall both not bring any Op for Sf into our home until we are apart. What he does outside of this house is his problem. I feel bad knowing I will not be living in this house as I do love it so. I helped build this home and under every floor is written H's name Loves realtor with a big heart around it. Walking on these floors reminds me of when he loved me so much. It will be 22 yrs since we met in Jan. We had a romance for most of those years. At least I have some wonderful memories of the love we used to share. I think once you have had that very speical love in your life it will not be replaced again. I can see me being a very bitter woman towards men and I must not be that way. The OW will not leave her H so he will be alone for a while. Unless she changes her mind after we split.
But to think he treated his exW the same way he has me is shocking. It just makes sense and now I see my desicion is the right one. He was very bitter when she left him and tried hard to get her back. She was a very vindictive woman and has stayed that way. I am not like that. I just want 1/2 of our assets and a helping hand to leave.
Gofrome here - I to have tried to keep the love alive and now I am to tired to try. I should maybe have seperated awhile ago to hold onto my love. I am tired of being fooled.He uses my sensitivity against me and my loving heart. I must protect myself.

Ok he just called me again for the 4th time and says ILY again. I have to ask him to stop saying that to me. I am feeling sick to my stomach from hearing it. I can not tell him about my conversation with his SIL at all. How do I teel him I am not in love with him anymore. I do not want anymore drama. I know he will tell he to talk to him and it just does no good. It is a waste of my breath. I can not take all this up and down.

I waited for 6 months after my WW told me she was leaving me for the OM. Mostly because I wanted our children to know that it was her decision, not mine. And, I was hoping that somehow she would come to her senses. During that 6 months she did the following:

1. Kept me hanging on for 6 weeks, expecting to go to counseling. All the while she and OM were picking out their apartment. She never went to so much as one counseling session with me.

2. Moved out a few days before my birthday.

3. told friends at church that 'WE" were having problems and she needed to get away. Made it sound like we both had problems staying married to each other.

4. Went on several vacations with the OM.

5. Moved into the apartment with the OM.

So, there I was being a good, faithful husband, waiting for her to come to her senses. All the time she is messing around with OM and has no intentions of returning to the marriage, but is pretending she is not yet sure.
I finally met her for lunch and told her either she comes home, or at least has No Contact with OM, or she should file for divorce. She did not want to file, but she and OM wanted to buy a house together and I told her I would not buy her out of her 1/2 of our house until the divorce was settled. So she filed.

What kind of person does these sort of things? It boggles my mind.

This is scary...how can we all be married to the same person?

I waited a year after I found out about the A before I filed for D. During that year, I gave everything to the M. I went to C and Plan A and B to death. Slowly I started to see that I was holding on to the fantasy not what I really had. He hurt me over and over with his words. He called me fat (I'm not), but it was a touchy subject and he knew it. He continued with his A and would set me up to react in certain ways. He was unsure if he wanted the M to end. I think only because of the fear of the unknown. But in that year, I put myself out there only to be knocked down. After so many times, I got up and was done. It was a slow hurtful process, but I am better today because of it. I know that when I walked I did it for all the right reasons. During that year, XH did come back several times, but I realized that he was never really back. He just still wanted a part of me.

I am now D and happy. I don't have a BF. Of course he does, not the OW, but a new one and his life seems wonderful. He tries to be my buddy, but I don't want his friendship. Within time, I hope to get over my bitterness and truly become indifferent to him, but I'm not there yet.

When you are ready, you will know. For me filing for the D gave me power. It was like I was saying "I'm done and I am strong enough to end all of the hurt you are bringing to me." I am glad that it was my decision, because it was the beginning of showing the strong me.

When my H hit on my Dad.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

aeri -how awful for you. My dear you must have gone thro h#ll.

This wkend has been trying to say the least. Sat. after he came home from work he was all lovely dovey ect. We went out to dinner and he had a few glasses of wine. I had a couple. When we came home -he sat next to me on couch. He had more wine. I did not say a thing. Before bed he stated "So you bought a book and now your not IN love with me anymore". I said nothing as he had had to many glases of wine.Sunday:The am started off all wrong. We were in bed and he said something again about me being sexy, beautful, and that I turn him on ect. He wanted to know why I felt I did not. I started to explain about how a couple months ago he has stated that I was sexually unattractive to him. He reacted with this. Jumping out of bed -saying Your making this up _"I NEVER said you were unattractvie sexually to me. Your lying." I was not in shock -did not run after him. I went into kitchen and made my coffee. There was nothing else spoken about this -just let it die. I will not be bated into an agrument. If he wants to talk we can talk but only if he listens to me without getting angry. He also must HEAr me. I am so tired. I hate Christmas.
This guy has left me with a qake of bad memories on so many of my special days. Mothers Day - ILY but I'm not in love with you. My anniversary was spent with him screaming at me when we were out of town-he did not rememeber it was our anniversary. When he finished ripping into me I wished him a Happy Anniversary. Thanksgiving last year 2 days before I find out about OW. Last Christmas was awful.

I read that alot of you were seperated from your ex's for a year or so and I have to ask myself if I did the right thing.

The steps for seperation to divorce were so quick for me. A matter of weeks, 12 to be precise, from the time my Ex-wife told me of the Affair to the Divorce. She had her own plan and exit strategy for a long time and I knew she wouldn't change her mind about anything. Affairs are exciting and I'm sure this was one of the reasons she had one.

I still miss her. Her relationship with the OM has stalled. He has kids and the OM's wife is not backing down. I believe they have broken up. My ex has sent me a letter of remorse and asked for forgiveness. However, I just can not bring myself to it. I pray that maybe someday I will.