Yep, I believe that I told you folks that I had found on his cell phone records that he had called the OW, and that they had only spoken for 2 minutes.....I never confronted him about it....but he keeps telling me "She hates me!!!!"

Well yesterday he asked me to get his cigarettes out of his coat for him....didn't find them, but what I did find was a lunch order for the people he works with and the people at the candy store......OW's name was first on the list.....so he's going on lunch runs for her......and here are the 2 calls from his cell phone account that I've accessed online.

10/20/2005
11:40 AM **edit** 00:02 mins VOICE

12/08/2005
08:57 PM **edit** 00:02 mins VOICE (This one is 3 minutes before he gets off work)

So.....now it's all making sense, him still being ******-bent on divorcing me.....well of course he is.....HE'S STILL TALKING TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So Now...........I'd like some advice on how exactly to go about this Plan B letter....because before when I was going to write it, it was under the assumption that things were over between them....this is SO not the case...I mean these are just the calls he makes from the cell phone, lord knows how much they're around each other during work hours, or how much he calls her from his work phone.

He is also getting funky about me stopping by his work again.....he always wants me to call first.

So Mortarman...............Mimi..............Someone....your assistance please, because I assume the plan is to start up the *A* the minute I move out.....so I think my Plan B letter is going to have to be quite similar to the initial one.....instead of what I had planned.

Advice please??


BTW....I'm not even nervous or upset by this.....and you know why???? I've given it to God....I know he will take care of it. I have no desire to confront him, I feel no malice towards her.

I am in such a different place.....God it SO Good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

Caren

(((((((((((((Caren))))))))))

When are you moving out? Have you found a place yet?

I think that you are completely right. As soon as you are out of the house the whole thing will flare up again. Do you want to go through this again? Are you strong enough to say that this is enough?

I'm feeling rather devil's advocate-y today. I'm feeling like a complete MB failure. Personally, I'd stop by his work early and often. I wouldn't call first. Be a fixture. Your WH needs to own up to it all. Think about how you would deal with the OW showing up at the store situation. The sneaking around probably gives the A more pizzazze.

You've given this relationship a lot. Where do you want to go from here?

I don't know the details of your situation, but have you exposed to everyone???? Is there anyone left to expose to? Hopefully, someone that w/s respects and values their opinions.


K.D.'s Heartbreak

Oh Caren. I am so sorry.

When you said that you have given this to God, have you actually lifted your arms straight to heaven and released it to Him ? Do try this and you will really feel all the stress and anger leave your fingertips.

I have no real advice to give as I am certainly not an expert. You do sound stronger and I do know that you will be just fine. You have such a bubbly personality and are so smart, you WILL make it - you know you will.

I am so sorry to hear this is going on again.

Hugs to you Caren.

Your friend, Carnation

((((( CarenMC )))))

Having lived through 3+ years of contact before NC could really be established, I grieve for what you are going through. There IS hope, but each and every contact you find out about MUST be confronted so that there is NO misunderstanding.....NO CONTACT is not an "option," it's a "requirment" of the marriage....."Forsaking ALL others and keeping myself ONLY unto you."

I, unfortunately, do NOT recall your husband's status with Christ. Is he a Christian? Before offering any advice I'd like to know his faith status, if you don't mind reminding an "oldtimer's disease" sufferer.

God bless and grant you His peace and comfort as you seek to do His will.

I would bring something to the job. Something nice to WH. I would make MY PRESENCE KNOWN TO OW. And I would tell her calmly as you walk by, I KNOW>

I would not move out yet. I would have b letter ready after a few days of good plan A. Give to wh when he returns. HE should be one to move out. And expose expose to all duirng your remainder days in plan A. Be as loving and kind as you can. But WH needs to go instead of YOU! Let the affair feel the hits on their reputations. Let the affair spend time putting out fires left and right. You show WH another way to go...a good way...back home to his family. and if he chooses not, then he can use the door.

Good days of plan A left. Then I'd plan B. Heck, I'd do it on december 23. Make the man leave home before Christmas b/c he cannot be a H or a dad living like this. Tell him ow wanted a christmas present early. She can have it.

Okay.....don't have a place yet, that's why I am waiting until after New Year's Eve.....I won't have anyone to help me move.

I can't exactly confront him about speaking with her on the cellphone, or I'll lose that method of finding out what they're doing....he doesn't have any idea that I have access to his account...and I need to keep it that way.

My husband has been baptized, but that was years ago, at the request of his Grandmother, and he hasn't stepped foot in a church since. He believes in God, but no,,,,,he is not a practicing Christian.

When I say that I have given it to God, that is exactly what I mean, I know that he will take care of it. I just have to give him time. I feel so much better about my life, in the midst of all that is going on, I feel really good about myself. I am not remotely depressed, my heart actually feels whole again.

I had been approaching this in entirely the wrong way, Mortar had told me in the past that I had my WH on a pedestal....I didn't know what he meant at the time, but I do now. Now that God is first in my life, I feel whole for the first time in as long as I can remember.

I will make it, and I don't concern myself with whether or not my marriage is going to work. I am leaving it all up to God....it's something I never had control of in the first place.

God Bless You All,


-Caren

Found a place, it's a 2 bedroom townhouse with a basement, in Grove City for about 500 per month. I can move in around the 2nd week of January.

I also found another job, I am doing homecare for a gentleman that has been a diabetic since he was a teenager, he's on dialysis 3 times a week and has a below knee amputation. I will be staying with him M-F for $10.00 per hour. On Tuesdays and Thursdays it will be 8 am to 4:45 pm, and M-W-F it will be Noon to 4:45.

So things are coming together. I'm slowly starting to get some household things together.

So it looks like I'll be moving out in the next 3 weeks to a month, and I would really like to know what I am supposed to include in my Plan B letter. Is it just going to be the same as always, or would it be different?? I mean he has had contact with her....how much, I don't know....but any is too much for me, and he's still talking divorce.

I really can't wait to get into this place, I think it will take a lot of the pressure off of me.....for instance, today was my first day taking care of this gentlemen, and at 7:25 I was getting dressed and he wakes up and starts screaming at me that I need to leave...etc etc. I said, I just need to put my hair in a ponytail and I'm ready. He said "BUT THE KIDS AREN'T READY!!! YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR YOUR FIRST DAY!!!!!CAREN!! YOU CAN'T MESS THIS UP!!!!!" I said "MARK!! I will be ready to leave in a few minutes! I've got it under control." He starts screaming at me again and I said "IT'S REALLY NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, IT'S MY JOB, AND I ALREADY SAID I'VE GOT IT UNDER CONTROL!!!!" He screams more about how I still have to drop the kids off (which, btw, is on the way to work) and I said "Ya know, you could offer to drop the kids off, since you don't have to be to work until 10am, but you just expect me to do everything" He said "I could drop them off......" I said "No....That's okay, I've got it." Then I told the girls to go out to the car and as I was walking out I said "Goodbye Caren, Have a Nice Day (To myself)" then I answered myself and said "I will, Thanks"

Well he must have felt bad because he called my cell....I didn't answer, and he called again....still didn't answer until the 3rd time, then he apologized.

Oh well....such is life <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-Caren

Hi Caren,

I'm sorry things are not going well. It does sound like you are doing as well as a person can be expected to do.

I see you are moving into my neck of the woods. If I can do anything to help, please let me know. Maybe we could help each other check up on our WSs. LOL

I hope things work out for you and that you are able to enjoy the Holidays!

Thanks Grovetucky-

I've actually only been out of Grove City since I moved back in with my WH.....so about 8 months. I have lived in Grove City for 33 years before that.

Thanks for the offer of help.

I'm sorta having a bad day today.....thinking a lot about my situation, I guess sorta feeling sorry for myself.

It's so hard to separate my love for my husband from disliking my current situation. I know what I HAVE to do, but that doesn't make it easy, I do love him, and I can't really change that.

He made a comment yesterday that we need to get together and go to the lawyers and go over the paperwork....I didn't say anything, I see him every night, but I'm working on his day off, and he's working on my days off...so I'm not sure when we'd have time to do that......and I'm not really interested in doing that anyway...I'm not giving him a dissolution.....not gonna do it.

I explained to my daughters what was going to happen when we moved, that we'd be moving when Daddy was at work, and that I was going to leave him a note, and that DD10 would have the cell phone to call her Dad whenever she wanted, and she is NOT happy about it, it's not the moving out that she has a problem with, it's the me not talking to WH that she's having a problem with. (I'm sure a big part of that is that when I plan B'd before he would constantly tell her to give me the phone, and I would refuse...so she probably felt like she was in the middle a lot, what do I do when he starts doing that this time?)

Oh well, I guess I'm gonna get off here. Hope everyone had a pleasant holiday.

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren just wanted to give you my best wishes. I hope you find the peace you deserve.

Hey Caren -

I don't post much here anymore, but lurk often...

Just wanted to give you a word of encouragement...I know you can do this. Be strong, and stick to your plan.


TM

Such is life, as you know it.
But if things keep going the way they're going, Caren, then someday soon....

Your H just might wake up and truly regret everything he's done (and not done).

It'll be too late, of course, because you'll realize how much better it is to be away from someone who constantly beats you down and takes the wind out of your sails.
And THEN you'll realize how much better it is to be with someone who loves and appreciates you for who you are, and treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

(I know you know that... it was just my excuse to check in and say Hi and cast my vote of confidence in you :-))

I appreciate the vote of confidence <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I signed the lease on my apartment yesterday and gave them the deposit, I plan on moving in the 2nd week in January, it makes me a little nervous to actually be doing this....but I'm sure I'll be fine.

I don't think my husband is going to know what to do with this, since I'm going to actually do a Plan B and not have any contact with him.

I haven't drafted the new plan B letter....I'm not sure what it should say......any ideas?????

Thanks Travellin....I will stick to my plan this time, I know I'll be tempted to allow contact, but I have to keep in mind my goal, this is it, if this doesn't turn the situation around, then I can honestly say that I've done everything in my power to save this, and I can be at peace with it.

It's funny, because no one outside of MB can relate to what I'm doing, they think I've already given him too many chances, and they're probably right, they don't understand that it's what I need to do and not really about him at all.

I plan on making sure that all of my sentimental stuff, like my wedding pictures, jewelry he gave me etc. is going to be put away, I kept them out before.

I know that I'll be a lot less stressed out after the move, and I know that I can do it either with or without my husband. That is something I was previously unable to say.

I can actually tell you just about how this is going to go....he's going to come home to find I've moved out, and the plan B letter will be on the fridge, he's going to immediately try to call my cell.....which I won't be answering. I will be leaving the cell number of the phone I'm giving DD10 to talk to him on, so that'll be his next call....which DD10 can answer if she wants to, but I won't be answering it. Then he's going to be badgering her, wanting to talk to me.....and previously I always just told her to tell him no, and it really put her in the middle. But this time if he requests to talk to me, I'm going to take the phone from her and walk out of the room and simply hang it up. (And he'll no doubt call back).

Then.....the next day, he'll start in with the *dissolution talk*....he needs to talk to me about that.....still not talking to him.

I know him really really well....probably better than he knows himself.

Also, I think he's going to assume that I'll be doing the same things that I did when we were separated before....i.e. giving him a booty call, talking to him/helping him with his problems with utilities, cooking him dinner, having him over when it's his time to have DD10.....but it's not going to happen, I can't let it happen that way again. I am sticking to this Plan B because I know I deserve better than what I've been getting.

Then he's going to flip flop back and forth between not trying to contact me and trying to contact me, I think he'll be the one doing all the detective work.....I won't be doing any that's for sure.

And of course, he's going to finally deduce in his foggy mind that *I* am having an affair...and that's why I moved like I did....etc. And guess what?! He's just going to have to stew in it.

And tqt, I hope your right about him waking up and realizing what he's losing.....and I'm not sure if it'll be too late or not, but there's a definite possibility that it will.

I am also setting up some ground rules. I signed this lease for a year.....and my Dad co-signed for me, so I am living in this place for an entire year....I am not moving back to that house with him even if he wants me to. I HAVE to do this.

Oh, well thanks for listening to me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm really just thinking out loud!

God Bless,

-Caren

Good plan Caren...now make sure you stick to it.

This is coming from a person who knows...any type of modified Plan B simply does not work.

Learn from my example. Go totally dark, and stay that way until ALL of your conditions are met.


Stay strong...


TM

Wow Caren,

This is the first time I have read about your sitch and You sound so strong!

I am encouraged by you and hope that I can learn from this. Though I hope I never have to be in the place you find yourself. I am sorry you are there, but will pray that your plan B wakes your H up this time, in time.

Your comitment to stay there 1 year and do this plan B has to show him something!

God Bless and Be well,

Dear WH,
Until such tme that we are able to fully focus on building a new marriage, do not contact me. I have nothing new to say. I am aware of continued contact and will not allow further chaos in my life. DD's phone is XXXXXXXX. She, as always, will be available to be your daughter. Please do not place her in the middle and attempt to use her as a go-between. Let us respect her enough to keep her out of this.

Caren

Wow Mojo....that's direct <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

*Sigh* I don't really have time today to post, but I wanted to stop by.

Should I include my conditions in the Plan B letter?? Mortar said, previously that I shouldn't......so I'm not sure, any input?

Thanks, and God Bless,

-Caren

I am not sure what you are sepaking of, on conditions in the letter that you stated I shouldnt put in there. The standard conditions should always be in there. That affair must end and you work on the marriage. That NC will be maintained, except as outlined in the PBL on concerns with kids. That if he decides the marriage is important again, that you will be open to talking about it.

If you make the letter too long, or too many conditions, you pidgeon hole yourself. leave it open to interpretation. The conditions yo uare settign are for YOU, not for him. You do not wish to contact him, or him contact you. But to tell him ahead of time all of the hoops he needs to go thru probably would be counterproductive.

In His arms.

Mortar-

My husband kept talking divorce even though there appeared to be NC and that the A was, for all intents and purposes, over.....I guess since there has been contact that I'm back to a regular old Plan B letter.

I haven't figured out who is going to drop my DD10 off at my husband's work when it's his weekend, but other than that, I have most of my boundaries in place. I am sure that my Mom or Dad would be okay with dropping her off for me. I really don't want him dropping her off at my house so I'm going to have someone pick her up from his work on Sunday's (every other weekend).

I feel a lot more ready for this than I did the first time I tried it, I know that I have to stop the snooping, and concentrate on me.....I got sort of tied up with the cat and mouse thing on my previous attempts.

He still has no clue that I already have this in motion, he just said last night "Caren, you need to start saving your money." (he didn't say why, but I know what he means, he means I should save it to move out.....what he doesn't know is I've already got my utilities taken care of, and I'm picking up the keys to the apartment this evening.)

I think we'll be operating in *be careful what you wish for....you may get it* mode....this is going to hit him out of left field.

I am a little nervous, I hope I can pull this off without him knowing.....but even if I can't, I will still be in Plan B.

I have no clue how to take apart the kids bunk beds...I'm really worried about that...it's going to take forever, it's one of those bunk beds that has a futon on the bottom, and it looks pretty involved to take apart/set up.

I am going to start moving things into the apartment this week....things that I have at my Moms...like my couch, my bed, then I'm going to move things he won't realize are gone......then I'll move out the few things I have at the house while he's at work, and leave the PBL on the fridge.

I am also kicking my Plan A into overdrive for these last 2 weeks. I have already been doing a very good job....I don't have angry outbursts anymore, but I am trying to be over the top this week. For instance last night after dinner, I rubbed his feet and then took him into the bedroom and gave him a massage (which he LOVES), and he thanked me for twice. I want to make VERY sure that he misses the EN's that I provide.

Should I back off the snooping now, or can I wait until I'm actually in Plan B??? (I'm curious if he's had contact with her on the new cell phone I bought him for Christmas [It's a new provider])Previously I have been checking his cell phone account several times a week....and as I said before, OW's number has showed up twice...so there is still contact...only problem is his cell phone company doesn't say if he called her or visa versa. (I suppose that's just a technicality anyway). I am really really good at the snooping thing, and I actually think that's going to be the hardest part of Plan B....not snooping. (But I know I have to).

**When I set up the new cell phone account he said "So......can this be accessed on the internet?" (He was basically asking me if I would be snooping) and I said "Well, I believe you can access any cell phone on the internet..." and we left it at that. But he still get's all whacked out if he finds out I have been snooping....or have kept something from him.....He actually said "I can't trust you any farther than I can throw you..." (Interesting that he doesn't think that HE can trust ME)

Okay well I guess that's enough rambling for the moment.

Thanks for your response Mortar <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

-Caren