Without going back and reading all of your stories from the beginning I was just wondering something.... In each of your cases how long did your ws's A's last??? And did any of them move out and move in with op? Did any of you all actually legally separate for awhile? How were your marriages before the A?

I am just curious, especially for those who are in recovery how bad it can actually be and still be recovered. I just feel like my sitch is soooo hopeless, so done. I know nothing is impossible for God and since I cannot get into my h's head to see what he is thinking.... My h and did not sleep in the same bed for 2 years before separation and I now know it is because he had so much anger towards me for feeling like we married too soon, for the previous separations, etc, that he wanted nothing to do with being anywhere near me eventually so he could not tolerate being in the same bed let alone have sex. This is when his A's began. Many were one nighters or friendships that turned to more, but this last one has gone on since last fall, first sex in January. She pursued him full force but he did think she was funny and a good time. On again off again with long and I mean long daily phone conversations and to this day she still texts him and he responds to over a 1000 texts a month! And they live together. I know though that she does it to keep track of him as she is deathly afraid he will cheat on her as he did to me. She told her stbxh that she prays every night he doesn't cheat on her like he did me. Excuse me while I hurl..... anyway, he "moved in" in the fall with her for lack of anywhere else to live. He still has many things here and all of his personal effects are here so he hasn't "personalized" her place with any of his things which I would think he would do if he was planning on being there any length of time.

Anyway, before I get too long here can you guys, all you vets, please share with me??? I know I am not unique and my sitch is not. He just seems like a total stranger and I feel so numb ya know? What did you all deal with and how long?? I guess I am just so scared he has found the one he wants to be with, or God forbid maybe he does love her? Or whatever, you know the thoughts. Maybe she is all he ever wanted. I know she is all right and smitten with him like all her dreams have come right true her getting him. (screw me and my kids, I could just kill her for this) Thanks all, mlhb

Well my WH and OW have been together for 3 years now. They live together, although he still denies that one. They have broken up several times, but always seem to get back together.

Before D-day, I thought our marriage was good. We raised 6 kids together, and had the usual problems. We had just bought a brand new Harley (which was my husband's dream). We had planned to tour the US on it.

I rode it exactly once, before he took off with OW.

wow believer. Do you feel your story is more the norm or the exception? do you feel most ws do come home or that most A's do break up or that THOSE are the exception to the rule...

I have one other ? I forgot to add... As you all know my kids are making the wh a memory scrap book of pix for christmas. I wrote a beautiful poem for the inside cover, I will type it below. Bascially the book is of the kids, a page for each child, a page of the kids together, a page of them with dadddy, a page of daddy's family, a page dedicated to h's grandparents who each passed in the past few years and whom he loved dearly. On the last page, with no writing or anything fancy I wanted to put, in the center of the page, with a small border, a small pic, very beautiful, from our wedding. Just that, nothing else, last page. We are still married after all. and with him going to Iraq and away from ow he will have lots of time to think. I thought it would be ok. My addition and statement to the book w/out saying a word. Do you all think this would be ok? Or would it just tick him off and ruin the book.... Thoughts??? mlhb

mhlb, your H has "found the one he wants to be with" for now. And when he was with you he had "found the one he wants to be with." And when he comes back he will have "found the one he wants to be with" again. The one he wants to be with can change rather quickly as you have seen in your life and as we see on here quite often.

You will probably get more out of Mimi and Mortarman's stories because they more closely match yours. I have never been in Plan A or Plan B myself and my H was dumped by the OW the day I found out and confronted him. I also confronted her that day.

See, I had just married him and found out 4 months later he was having an affair over the internet with an old gf. I told him to hit the road and kicked him out. I had no interest in being married to a bum.

He called and called and asked me to work on the marriage and go to counseling. I decided that it would look better if I went to counseling a couple of times so when I gave the bum the bum's rush, I could say " I tried."

Well, here I am 5 years later. Unfortunately, our C was a Marriage Builders pro who was very effective in counseling my H and I. We now have a fabulous marriage.

I honestly do not feel I would ever stay with a spouse who continued his affair past D day. I just would have no interest in such a person. I could never do Plan A or Plan B. That does not mean they aren't fabulous principles that really do work for many people, but I am not cut out for them. Nor would I be interested in staying with my H if it ever happened a second time. A second affair would be a deal breaker.

And how was my marriage before the affair? He was having an affair for the entire time I knew him. Through the dating, engagement, early marriage. We were not close and I always had a feeling something was wrong. But I dismissed my instincts because I was so emotionally destroyed from the death of my son and the end of my 20 yr marriage. I have learned to never ever dismiss my instincts again.

I think I would skip the wedding picture. Right now it would probably make him angry.

As far as your other questions - I think my situation is not typical. For one thing, I didn't find this site until I'd thrown him out. And as far as LB's - I was the queen. I threw all of his stuff out in the yard, followed by all the Christmas presents in the street. My neighbors still remember THAT day.

The statistics say that most WS's come home. I can't remember the exact ones for how long affairs last. It's less than 6 months for about 30%, less than a year for 30%, less than 18 months for 25%, and 5 percent last 3 years.
Something like that anyway.

The chances of the infidels marrying and having a happy relationship are less than 3%.

Forgot to say, that there are a large number of WS's that leave their spouse for the OP, and when that doesn't work, end up with someone else. We see the BS's here that want their marriage to work, but for many, the betrayal is the end for them.

thank you for the responses thus far. Believer, cannot say my h left me for op. He was perfectly happy to live here and just go and be with whom he wanted when he wanted and go do whatever he wanted. I never never knew a thing. Of course he was on the couch for that time and I went to bed fairly early with the kids, so he just left after I was asleep and made sure to be home before I got up in the morning for work. Pretty sly. When he left in July it was because I honestly could not take it anymore. When I found out all the one nighters he had had, the one nighters he had in texas while in training there, and the A with the one he is with now, I could not mentally handle anymore. I knew I could never trust him right now. He had sworn to me last year when I found out about a different A that as long as we lived under the same roof he would not be with anyone else. Well, he lied because he was. I knew then his words meant nothing and he could lie right to my face and feel no remorse. So I had to let him leave, had to have him leave. I had originally said he could stay until he got back from Iraq but I couldn't do it after I found out all the info. And if he hadn't left I do not think I would be in the place I am in now which is a better place for me. I would have just continued to be paranoid everytime he walked out the door.

He still will not admit to me to all the info I have. He will only admit to me to sleeping with ow he has now. He denies sex with anyone else. And yet ow says to her h that my h admitted to her to sleeping with ow in texas and with ow from last year and to some one nighters. So... And her h is a cop and they have been watching him for some time and he says he knows for sure my h has slept around. So... why would he be so free to admit this stuff to ow but not to me??? why does he deny it to me? is it because she is trash and he knows she knows and he doesn't care if she knows? He told her he cheated so much because he was so unhappy with me. Now, he won't come clean with me. I don't understand why? I know all about the others but he continually denies it. Why is that he denies to me but admits to her? of course she lies a lot too but...... she must know it to be true since she is soooo paranoid he will cheat on her. I don't get it... mlhb

I also get concerned because, like he said, he cheated and went out to bars because he was so unhappy here and with me. Of course going to the bar was an easy way for him and ow to meet. Since he moved in with her, since he moved out of here I should say and started seeing her again he has not been out at the bars at all from all I know. But I guess if he was going to meet up with her he doesn't need to do that now. But I do not believe he has been with anyone else either since he has been with her. Why all the cheating with so many others on me but not on her? Of course he did tell me in a heated discussion a few months back that "ow does not know everything about me and everything I do either, she thinks she does but she does not..." It just bugs me. dammit, why isn't he out there screwing around on her! mlhb

YIKES! Sounds like your husband is a serial cheater. It probably has a lot to do with his childhood and nothing to do with you. He may be faithful to the OW RIGHT NOW, but it won't last.

strange you mention childhood issues.... everytime we went to counseling and they would start to get into his childhood he would STOP GOING. He has cried to me and many others (well, that is how he gets these ow a lot of times. they feel bad for him) about his childhood and I do know for a fact there are big issues there. I will post more later. mlhb

A lasted about 3 years...

My FWH eventually moved in with the OW..towards the end of the A..not necessarily a good thing for the A..they were trying to make it work...really burst the A fantasy bubble..H hated living there with her and daughter...

Legal separation..3 months prior to reconciliation..

M was awful prior to D-Day..H made the choice to deal with our problems by having an A...

However, my H was very much in love with me for many years prior to the bad part of our M and the A...

His was a "love affair"..not a ONS..he thought she was "the one"..that he was "in love" with her...but it was a delusion..

He is VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH ME AGAIN LIKE HE USED TO BE...

I don't believe that he had other As..

I know my answers are brief tonight but I wanted to get back to you...

My (now) ex knew him maybe a month before the affair started.
She left with him after ~ 6 months after she met him.
That was 7 years ago.

thanks everyone.. mimi, thank you. your story gives me hope. my h and i were very much in love at one time. there was a time he would rather have died than be without me. I know even when we had problems up to the point we separated before he loved me. he is just rewriting history right now to say he NEVER did. I don't believe that at all. He was really devastated about our separating before. Now he is just full of anger because we did separate before. He is angry at me, at his childhood, you name it. It is in there. I don't believe you can have 10 years with someone and not have NOTHING be there for the other person. We share a history. But it makes me sad too to have shared 10 years and for the last 2 he has been a complete stranger to me. It is the wierdest feeling ever. I have learned so much here, I pray to God I actually get to use it to make OUR marriage a better stronger one. I wish so badly I had had this site 3 years ago. We would probably be fine right now. I made so many mistakes, I hope not so many that they cannot be repaired..... mlhb

My H's A was apx. 6 months. There was a d day (and another shortly after I found out. He was going to leave, I saw an attorney, he snapped out of it and I choose to give him a second chance.

There are triggers, ups and downs, but I can honestly say we have a wonderful marriage and are happy together-it has been 5 years and I believe it is a better marriage than before because we take time for each other. We did not do this before. He is my best friend and my lover.

Yep, you can recover, the trick is that both of you have to commit to the marriage again, you cannot do it alone. I hope we will be one of those old couples holding hands in the rocking chairs.

I'll never forget Steve Harley telling me this, wrote it down verbatim in my journal:

"If he loved you once, he can love you again..."

Love is a verb based on history and actions.

He may not love you "now"..

The OW only has "now"...that she has to try to create everyday by maintaining the fantasy...She cannot keep this up..That is the value of PLAN B...

You have the past with him and potentially the future...

thank you Mimi, great post. I needed that today. wh is giving me a hard time about his having to pay all the childcare. I hardly ever use daycare and in our sep papers he is responsible to pay 100% if needed. I start a part time job monday and he says he wants me to pay for any daycare since he is strapped. (bullsh*t, not buying that one) I said I was willing to work with him, I would pay half even though technically I don't have to. He still said no, I am not paying it. So I very nicely said he did sign a legal document stating what he would pay and that if he is so broke he has options such as selling 2 of the 3 vehicles he has or getting a second job. That this was life and reality now. I told him again, I was willing to work with him on it, to pay half but that him paying none was pretty non negotiable. To which he was, well, mad. This was all on text messaging by the way. So I left it at that.

The reality is it sure would have been cheaper just to work on the marriage. The reality is ow is paying out so much in bills she is broke. Reality is she is letting him stay there for free so he can keep all his toys and listens to his sob stories of being broke. Reality is ow is now broke because my h gives her no money. Reality is h might have to sell some toys or get a second job. Guess reality is starting to bite! He hates that he has to pay all of child care, all medical copays, etc. He is mad at me for this of course it is all my fault...... geez! mlhb

Even if you are just "text messaging", that is not PLAN B...

Mimi, you are right. Others however have suggested here that I hold off on Plan B until he returns from Iraq. He leaves in January and comes back in May. We only text about the kids although he actually called me the other day which is a first. I think he is getting scared (of going to Iraq). I know he is under a lot of stress right now with that on his mind. Any thoughts on that? mlhb

Sorry ml..

I'm a bit confused...

Why aren't you doing PLAN A then?

I think you would regret not spending time with him if something happens..

Plus he will have time to think of YOU and your past life together in Iraq..

I would think you would want him to leave with MEMORIES OF THE NEW YOU...

Excuse me if I don't know enough about your situation to make such suggestions...