I cheated on my wife. It all happened very quickly ... I spent less than 3 weeks around the OW. She thinks she is in love with me; ready to leave her husband. I tried several times to stop but couldn't – OW was aggressive and I was weak. But there are no excuses.

Now the OW's husband found out on his own. I feel terrible for him ... I knew it would come to this and I went on with it anyway.

Our relationship was intensely physical ... started out as a one night stand, at her bachelorette party. What makes it worse is that I have been in his shoes – I knew all along the type of pain he would go through if he found out.

I don't understand how I could have done this. I am so sorry. The excitement was at the time irresistible, but I wish I could take it back. My poor wife will be devastated when she finds out.

I don't know what to do.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You'd better tell your wife before she finds out from someone else. I guess that will really ruin Christmas.

You have no idea how devastating it is when your partner betrays you.

Also you need to write the OW a no contact letter. Tell her you made a huge mistake, and love your wife and want to save your marriage.

He needs to write that letter with his wife at his side.

Tell your wife before she finds out from the OW's H. She WILL find out, I promise you. Believe me, it will be much easier on ALL of you if the truth comes from you instead of someone else.

Then, send your W here so we can help do some damage control and hopefully save your marriage.

p.s. and as much as it kills you, don't skim on the truth because she will find out. She will dig it out if it takes 20 years of inquisition ****** to do it.

So just get it all out now and get it over with. Suck in your stomach and face it like a man. Better to take one bad hit and get it over with than take several every time she drags a new tidbit out over the years. The sooner you do that, the sooner you can be forgiven.

Answer all of her questions freely and openly, without holding back. Just the fact that you are willing to do this, helps your case more than anything you can do. <---------i cannot emphasize this enough.

Being willing will help her trust you again. Withholding information will have devastating results.

Hello atoning,

Welcome to MB although I am sorry you are here for Infidelity.

Listen,if you want to save your marriage and you are really sorry and will NEVER see the OW again,we can help and you won't find a much better support system.There are many here who will support you if you want to save your marriage but not if you want support in the affair(A).We are a PRO marriage site.

As a betrayed wife,I can tell you that the pain she will feel when she finds out will be monumental.But,despite that,the one thing that may be your saving grace is that you want to save your marriage and realize what you did was a terribly selfish mistake.When the dust settles she may just forgive you if you want to make your marriage better.Do you?

Were you married before and cheated on too?

Telling your wife what happened is absolutely necessary.Don't kid yourself into thinking you can ignore that or that she will be better off if she doesn't know.She would be much better off if it never happened but we can't change that now.It's the right thing to do at this point as painful as it's going to be.Everything will be obliterated but being honest about this mistake is an important first step.

Can you give us more info: ages,how long married,kids? Are you ready to stop ALL contact with the OW? What is the situation?

O

atoning - the "deed has been done and can't be undone."

It is good that you seem to be coming to your senses, but it's "too late.'

atoning, this is NOT going to be easy. But there IS help here if you want it. Nothing will be "sugar coated," but we've all experienced the "consequences" of adultery and have learned the "hard way." You will get help and support here, as would your wife if she chooses to come here for help and support as she looks up from the bottom of HER emotional pit.

Your marriage is already over unless your wife wishes to continue it. Think of it this way, from your wife's perspective, your marriage had a cancer that was unknown. Until it IS known, it cannot be effectively treated and it WILL eventually kill the marriage. Denial will not work. Refusal to "face the music" will not work.

The choice for the affair was YOURS. The choice to continue your marriage and attempt recovery from the nuclear holocaust of emotions that will assail her...is your wife's decision. But it CAN be done. I was the BS in my marriage. I found out after 6 years. Melody is right, she WILL find out. If after many years, then add to the pain the realization that all the interventing years were a "lie" too. Built on lack of trust and making a decision to be "married" unilaterally by you to someone who doesn't know that "cancer" has struck the "one flesh."

There are NO guarantees that your marriage will survive, but it can. The point is, your wife needs to make that decision, since you have now decided that it's worth "keeping" AFTER you chose to walk the path of destruction.

Just how "strong" are you? Do you have faith in Christ or are you are "do it yourselfer?"

God bless and guide you.

I am 30, and I was the BS a couple of years ago in this marriage.

My OW has been pushing to continue contact ... I can see she is deep in the fog ... less than 3 weeks together and she is ready to give up everything for me ... my feelings for her are not as strong - or perhaps I just have the experience to go on. I know it makes no sense. I never expected the relationship to go anywhere - kept telling her how wrong it was, and how it was going to be a disaster. Tried to stop contact several times.

Sure enough it is. I can't sleep and am having nightmares about owh, because I knew him and he is a good person. And now I have basically destroyed him.

I plan to wait until after Christmas to tell W, because she loves Christmas so much.

Is there no validity to the idea that one is better off not knowing? I am not sure if my W could handle this - there are .. details, I could not bear to give her, given how self conscious she is about sex and her appearance.

I wonder that now about myself, two years ago. I don't know if our marriage was better or if I am a better person for having found out then. Obviously I am not verbetter by it.

I was faithful for 10 years and now look what have I done. I couldn't have been more evil.

No validity whatsoever.

No validity at all. She must know so that she can protect herself FROM YOU. You are not trustworthy and she needs to know this. I would add that you are the last person who qualified to decide what is best for her. She needs to decide that herself.

She might not choose to stay in a marriage with someone who cheated on her and that is her right. You have no right to deny her that choice. To do otherwise would be to keep her in a marriage based on a lie. It would be incredibily cruel, dangerous and manipulative.

Just know this: she WILL find out. One way or the other. It would be better coming from you than from someone else.

I would suggest ending all contact with the OW NOW. Further contact only makes it worse.

Undo that evil by doing the right thing now. Tell your wife the truth and end contact with the OW.

Peggy Vaughn, the author of the "Monogamy Myth" is one of the most respected voices in marriage advocacy around. She has done extensive research on infidelity and here's what she has to say about to "To Tell or Not To Tell"

Hello again,

I can appreciate how you might think not knowing something as painful as cheating might save you and your marriage some way from further pain or if it has any benefit but look at how your marriage is now.Your wife cheated on you years ago,now you've also cheated on her and in my opinion you both have some serious introspection and marriage counseling to do.One thing that may or may not help you recover is that your W knows what it's like to cheat.She may have some compassion for you in the end for being in "her shoes".Then again she may use this time to leave.Who knows.

But in order for you to have a clean start at a new life,with or without your W,you have to have all the information on the table.You just cannot have a decent marriage that is safe and trusting if everyone is keeping secrets.Wouldn't you want to have a clear conscience regardless? Telling isn't about spite for the other person just to hurt them but to be open and honest and saying that you understand there are serious problems but we can go forward and work on them.

Yes what you did was horrible BUT you can rise above that,be a better man,friend,lover,husband by what you do now.

So,if you do want to give our site a try and save your marriage,then do read all the concepts here,check out our MB bookstore and see if you can get into counseling with Steve or Jennifer.The number is here on the site.It's phone counseling.Or try a PRO marriage counselor near you.

As much as YOU might see this is your own head, what you did does not have a clause where YOU get to decide to tell her or not.You think she might not handle it but you are taking away her rights to know and to respond accordingly.Let the chips fall where they may but being honest from here on out is critical.

If you didn't care at least a little about all this you wouldn't be here seeking some help or suggestion.What do you want to do? Are you going to stop contact with the OW? I know that can be brutal.But it's non-negotaible if you want to save your marriage.And,the longer you keep OW waiting in the wings,the more pain ensues and things will get worse.Make a decision one way or another.You can't have it both ways.

One last thing,the OW's husband,if he knows,is destroyed but taking the step of making *ammends may help.I know that I would have forgiven the homewrecker in my case if she stopped seeing my husband and ended all contact.But she never did so I don't forgive her,at least not now,maybe never.It would have helped me and my husband deal with our marital probelms but she never gave up and certainly has no morals and now we are divorcing.He never stopped contact with the homewrecker either so,here I am .

If you know the A was wrong and it would never go anywhere,end it once and for all,forever.

O

Hi,

Before you make a decision about weather to tell or not to tell, I suggest that you spend some time at this site. Read the homepage with the linked articles form the Harley's. Verse yourself in the concepts here.

Next, come back to the forum and begin to read.

Read the posts from the BS here.

Read the posts from the WS here.

Imagine what it would be like to be any of these people.

You will see it all in these posts.

To me, the question to tell or not depends on your motivation to give this information.

If you wish to simply unburden yourself because of guilt, then no I wouldn't tell.

If you are through with your marriage and are going to just walk away, then again I wouldn't tell.

If you want to treat your spouse as an adult, as one capable of making her own decisions, if you wish to continue your marriage in honesty, if you want a marriage of intimacy and mutual respect, then there is only one choice . . . you must tell.

1. Don't use "my" when refering to OW ... take away that ownership ... she is some other man's WIFE. Simply refer to her as "OW" ... or, if you prefer, Mr. so-and-so's wife. Keep it real, throw away the fantasy "my". OK?

2. If OW contacts you or tries to contact you ... call OW's husband and inform him .... just the facts ... "Today, at 3 PM your wife called my cell and left the following message. blah blah blah."

NOTHING short of reality will stop OW. If you care for OW, give her reality. Inform her husband.

3. Tell your wife now. Christmas is going to be ruined anyway .... because if you deceive your wife throughout Christmas ... she is going to look back at every single thing you did at Christmas as a fraud.

Also, one quick thing...by telling your wife, if she decides she wants to continue with the marriage, she will be the one that helps you maintain no contact (NC) with the OW. She will then keep you accountable, while at the same time draw boundaries arounf her family that OW cannot enter without incurring her wrath.

Tell her now. As you will read on here, havign a spouse cheat on you is hard. But the betrayal really comes in the BS's mind with the lies and perceived lies. She will question EVERYTHING you have ever told her, right back to the "I do's" when you married. If you hide this thru Christmas, or thru next year, or over 10 years...it will only be that much worse!

You did the deed...as FH said, you cant change that. But the best shot you have at redemption and possibly saving your marriage, is to be honest and upfront with your wife. Whatever she wants to know, you tell her. She may not want to know the details. She may want to know the details. Whatever she needs, you give it to her! You are in no position to bargain or negotiate right now.

Once the initial shock wears off, and the anger subsides...your wife will feel lost. Her whole world will appear to be a lie. Everything she counted on will appear to have been a sham. She will question everythign, including herself. As her husband, you will need to sit down and write out a plan. Tell her again how sorry you are. Promise her that you are committed to building a marriage where this will never happen again. Give her the Harley's books, and point her to this discussion group. Try to even get her to do a few sessions with Steve Harley.

Your wife will be completely lost. You have done a great thing by coming here. You need to learn all that the Harley's have to offer, and to show her this stuff, as she will need the tools to get out of her despair.

Count on hearing everything under the sun when you tell her. She will even say that the marriage is over. Just keep affirming your love and your sorrow. Dont make excuses!! You messed up, it is your fault entirely. Dont blame OW. Your wife does not want to hear that!

You two can get past this...and actually have an even better marriage. But for now, it is a mess! And will be so for awhile. Please do not let your wife find this out from someone else. If this OW is this attached to you this quickly, your wife just may get a phonecall, even today, from her spilling the beans. She wants you and will do anything to get you! If your wife finds out from anyone but you, there will be added resentment!

Do the right thing, and do it now. You two get into counseling ASAP (call the Harleys on this website and set up and appointment for as soon as their available...that way when you tell her, you can also tell her that you have an appointment with a great counselor who can help her). Steve can also help you deal with your situation, as well with help you help your wife.

Keep posting here. Tell your wife, and get her here if you can. I am a BS. I know the he!! She is about to go through. But if you do this right, I doubt your marriage will end.

Get with it!

In His arms.

As a previous poster pointed out...

Carefully examine why you want to tell. Just to "get it off your chest" is a poor reason.

Carefully examine the situation. Do you think your marriage is strong enough to work through this? Do you really want to work on your marriage? What is the probability that your wife is going to find out from another source (sounds pretty high)? Do you think you've really learned your lesson?

I've recently re-evaluated my position on telling no matter what. You see, I told something that probably would have never been discovered...with disasterous results.

Based on what you've written, I think you should eventually tell your W yourself. It will be better coming from you. The timing will be a matter of how soon she is likely to find out from another source.

Lastly, I'd suggest therapy. You need to find out why you are having trouble being the man you think you want to be...and make the changes in yourself necessary to do that.

There can never be any substitute for the truth. Cover-ups or "just not saying anything" is a cancer that will, over time, erode at the relationship. It's easy to say that it's better to avoid any chaos and just go on like nothing happened but the truth of the matter is that over time it will affect how you think of yourself and how you interact with your wife.

Not telling is simple avoidance, perceived self preservation, and cowardice. I'm not saying that telling will be easy, fun, or comfortable. It won't be any of those. HOWEVER, you will have made the first real step toward repairing your vows and shown that honesty is, in reality, important enough to you to stick your neck out.

It's time to OWN your actions and grow up. Live above reproach. If you cover your own butt with this I gurantee it will forever have power over you and your marriage and the shadow it casts will destroy whether you want to believe it at this point in time or not. It will also lead to justifying other instances of dishonesty later. This is either the first step down a very dark path or the turnaround point in your life.

This "tough love" 2x4 was brought to you today by the numbers 5 and 7 and the letter Q.

Still praying for you. Still glad you're here.

-Fluke

Well put Fluke!

Flukeboy has really nailed it, and I'll jump in with my experience to agree with everyone who is telling you to tell the truth NOW. I was deceived for over 10 years about an affair that my husband had when I was pregnant with our third child. I had the feeling that something was going on but when I questioned him he denied it. Then the baby came and life went on. But, I believe it ate away at him because he experienced various nagging health problems, and depression. Finally the ugly truth came out. As everyone says, I then questioned everything about the preceding 10 years. Within a few months, he decided to move out. It’s my belief that he’s trying to leave it behind by leaving me, and that he doesn’t really have it in him to do the work that it would take to restore the marriage. He hasn’t ever truly accepted personal responsibility for his actions. We’ve been separated now for over a year and he’s filed for divorce. It’s his choice, not mine, but I’ll make it. I do kind of feel like, if this is to be the end result, it should have happened 10+ years ago, though.