At minimum, wait for him to contact you. Listen. Then decide. No point in going to him.
Cherished

Here's an off-the-wall thought:

Contact OW and let her know he's all hers now. Tell her she won the whole shoot’n match. And tell her in no uncertain terms she is responsible for him from now on.

Then just wait and see what happens from there.

For exhibit E: A former boss of mine ran off with a secretary years ago. It was a huge, messy, scandalous, public A. About a year later he got inoperable cancer. OW predictably distanced herself so his BW took him back and nursed him until he died. It didn't seem to do BW any harm, either. I was very impressed with her, but then she is still an extraordinary person..

With prayers,

Hi Bob, I don't believe WH will ever come to me. He's too stubborn, too English, too undemonstrative. It would be a case of me wading in and rescuing him. He's still too full of himself and I have given myself a timeframe after which I must start D proceedings. I can't live in limbo forever but you know I want my permanent ID. I really would struggle to think he was alone though.

Grapegirl - no I've never done an official plan B letter but only a couple of months ago, I asked him if he wanted to come home and at least attempt to patch up his mess.He was so negative about it. "Things could never be the same", "Why didn't I move back to England and make his life easier", told me I am too trusting and he couldn't stand to be checked up on. So basically, he doesn't trust himself to go NC. I wrote pages to him after Dday and I don't think he bothered to read it. Found one letter looking untouched in a drawer. I feel now, it's got to come from him but I don't hold out any hope that he's capable of doing and saying the right things now.

CV - thanks for crawling out of your grinch cave to post to me. I do want to encourage a better relationship between him and the girls. So far it is appalling. He sees them about every 3 weeks now and doesn't phone. He is so guilt-ridden that he tries to pretend we don't exist. Instead of being happy to see them, it brings him visibly down and he leaves looking sad. It is definitely something that needs to be worked on. Because his A went on for such a long time and the girls became so used to not having him in their lives, they love him but don't feel a need to talk to him, or call him. I take some blame for this. Because of his illness, we were a house that made life easy for daddy. "Be quiet now, daddy's tired". I did all the bathing, night-time stories, etc (happily). So it's not like dad was great fun and now he's gone. No, dad was a grumpy old git but got away with it cos he's got health problems. This can definitely be changed but it's got to come from the adult, not the kids. They don't know any better, he does.

Believer - thanks for always taking time to respond. I always get the feeling you understand because of what happened to your ex.

Cherished - He's a hopeless communicator. Used to drive my family nuts cos he was so quiet. In all honesty, I think I'm just looking for support to walk away from this with dignity.

Alphelion - I think I need to divorce him to protect myself and the girls financially. So far the girls and I have had our rent paid, the bills paid and money to spend. Not much but enough to get by. I also have a part-time job which helps. However, Living in limbo makes me feel like at any moment he could pull the rug from under my feet. I need more financial security. I might be worse off, but at least I'll know where I stand. That done, then I can choose to look after him or not but this marriage is shot to bits

Glad to see you are still mulling this over. When dad died, my oldest was heartbroken. His dad was a good dad up to the time my son was 5. My youngest was 2 when dad left. I asked him how he was doing, and he told me it didn't bother him at all - he never even knew his dad. That really made me sad. But it was their dad's choice.

What if ...?

well .... you are not in the position of needing to make a decision ... so, instead of trying to figure out what your choice might be 'what if?' ... contemplate your criteria for decision-making !!!

What criteria might you use to make such a decision?

emotional/financial/legal/self-protective/religious/moral/pragmatic

think of your particular set of skills and recognize what you think you ought to do compared to what you are prepared to carry out

You have limits, like all of us have limits. Please be realistic about what recources you actually have ... knowing you are not limitless.

Well, count me as one who will "support" you in this.

In this life, you never have to ask anyone to give you "dignity" to walk away. You will never have to ask someone "did I do the right thing" in walking away?.

Your WH made his choices in life....time for you to make yours. I understand your pain and concern. I have been on a surgical team who has TURNED down a person for an organ transplnt because they DID not have the psycholgical and emotional support network. Did I like doing this...NO? ofcourse not. Am I sure I did the right thing? YES.

It is sad for your WH...but you have a life to live also.

I don't even see the need for a "decision" for you here. There isn't even one on the table.

You go live your life Tummytuck. That's all any of us can do in this world.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

TuckyT, Heres my take on this your wh is a grown man who knows right from wrong and since you keep mentioning him not wanting to see the girls, to alieve his guilt, it's still all about him, not you his girls, his family.

There comes a time in everyones life when the you have to realize their is a difference in caring for your spouse and doing for someone out of love and "CARING FOR SOMEONE" in the sence that they are small child who does not know how to function with out the parent, let GOD deal with your wayward who does not want his family, would rather live in his life of denials with the ow and her child. These are the choices that he made with out you and those choices might be the death of him but he made them will the free will that GOD gave us all.

He broke his vows lied to you and the kids, put your way of live in chaos and wants you to leave the country so he does not have to look the damaged that he layed at his feet.

Yes it would great if, you took that higher road and take care of him, if and when it comes to that, but he also has to see, that his actions has change everthing and that its his reponsibilty to make right by you and the kids and the only way of doing that is by closing the door on him, wake him up not for him to come back home but for him to finally grow the F up........

TT-
As for my two cents worth: I agree with Lemon. The decision has been made...by your WS...he left. Unfortunately it may be for somewone who isn't willing to commit to him in sickness & in health. But that was his choice.

It's a natural thing to want to take care of your H. But you wouldn't be taking care of your H, you'd be taking care of the person he's become- the WS who has left the commitments of marriage behind for almost 2 years.

He wouldn't be a repentant spouse & father coming home to rebuilt his marriage & family. He's coming back for free healthcare!

I've been there. I watched my mother care for my ill father. Taking care of someone when you're in a loving relationship is very difficult. Taking care of someone in a relationship where the patient offers no love or respect in return takes a horrible toll, emotionally & physically.

Face this decision when & if you need to. Don't let anyone, including yourself, lay a guilt trip on you. It's another part of doing the best for you and your girls.

Pep, Lemonman, SS and Jaz - thanks for your replies.

WH was here for Xmas Eve and Xmas Day. Slept on the settee Xmas Eve so he was here for the kids to open their gifts. Considering the circumstances, we had a really nice time and in the back of my mind were Lemonman's earlier words "BEWARE FALSE RECOVERIES AT CHRISTMAS"!! I'm glad Xmas is over. My mind was a bit warped.

There is nothing to stop me caring for him in the future as a 'friend'. At the moment that's how I feel and, that way, I can offer as little or as much support as I like. Thanks again everyone. TT

It's so refreshing to read your posts TT...you see it...you feel it...you talk about it...you conquer it.

Many people would still be mulling this around.I read everyone's reply to you...and as good as they were...you, yourself..summed it up best with this little diddy...


Bravo !

DITTO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />