It is time I began posting on this board more regularly. My marriage is over, and has been, I now realise, since STBX left eight and a half months ago.

For those who don’t know me, please allow me to tell you a little about my situation. My STBX left me and our two girls very suddenly on April 3rd, and moved straight in with his OW (a work colleague – they are both teachers). They live about ½ mile away from us – so STBX can be near the kids, he says.

When I first found this site, I was a couple of months on from D/day, and had already done a lot of damage. I had almost gone mad from grief and shock, and genuinely frightened my WH! (Not that he ever considered returning, you understand <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ). I tried to do a good plan A, but I was so angry and devastated that it didn’t go too well. Towards the end of August, I knew I had to remove myself from the pain of the situation, so I told STBX that I didn’t want him back any more and that I didn’t want to see him. I was so angry - he has never shown the slightest regret or remorse - doesn't think he's done anything wrong. I couldn't take that any more.

Not exactly a traditional Plan B – I never wrote a letter, and I told him I didn’t want him back – but I was only concerned at this point with protecting myself and healing. Seeing STBX was driving me crazy (literally).

So, I haven’t seen him for over three months now. The only contact we’ve had has been a couple of emotionless TMs. Oh, and I sent him a letter quite early on in my Modified Plan B (MPB), encouraging him to proceed with the divorce (which he had been saying since he left that he wanted). I pointed out that he would be allowed to have our girls meet the OW and stay over at their place once we were divorced – he has been trying to get OW introduced to the girls since one week of leaving us! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

But he didn’t file. I waited two months, and the last I heard he hadn’t even got an Atty yet. So I filed myself at the end of October. I know that the papers we sent to him shortly after the middle of November.

I haven’t heard anything – he hasn’t responded to the petition. I can’t understand it – the D was everything he wanted. I’ve also named the OW in the papers, and she has her own paperwork to fill in and return to court. So she obviously knows that I’ve filed, and I’d have thought this would be what she wanted too. Even if STBX was dragging his heals, I would have thought that she be nagging him to get it done – she’s a very ‘strong personality’. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I’m sick of waiting. Sick of being in limbo. I want to move on with my life. It makes me so mad that he can abandon me like this, press for divorce, and then apparently stall the very thing he professes he wants!

Stupid, selfish man. The worst thing is that we were really so happy. He says we weren’t, but I know he’s lying. Our girls were 100% sure that their parents loved each other, and would always be together. And he’s ruined it all. Let him lie in the bed he’s made with OW – but I wish he’d set me free!!!

Sorry. Rant over. That’s my situation to date, anyhow.

Thanks for reading. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

How are you doing with this. That is the part that bugs me the most. My DD's even say, "one week you and daddy were hugging and kissing, and the next week he was gone"??

Everyone around us thought we were doing great and his few friends have said that WH seems to have honestly lost his mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

So I stay obsessed with the whys? of it all.

How have you been able to get past the whys?

I haven't, not really. I'm the first to admit that our marriage wasn't perfect, that we were in a bit of a 'hole', perhaps, but the more I think about it, the more I realise that 'hole' was created by his changed perceptions during his secret affair. The A made the marriage bad; the marriage didn't cause the A, as he tried to convince me.

I guess I'm taking a leaf out STBX's book, and focusing on all the things that were wrong in our relationship now, rather than on what was right. It's sad to do that, but it's helped me to let go. I think of all the things he did to hurt me during our time together, and I try not to think of the good times. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I hope this just a stage I'm going through, to help me cope. I don't always want to think this way.

Alph.

Quote:

//So I filed myself at the end of October. I know that the papers we sent to him shortly after the middle of November.

I haven’t heard anything – he hasn’t responded to the petition//

Most states have a very strict time frame in which a respondent (your WH) has to respond to your divorce petition. Failure to do so may result in the filer receiving a default judgement at THEIR terms. Call your attorney and inquire as to the status of your petition.

Hi Cymanca.

I'm in the UK, so it is different. STBX will be served by the court baliff if he doesn't respond.

Well, yesterday afternoon STBX introduced my girls to the OW without my knowledge and against my express wishes. I was mad as he!! at first, but there was nothing I could do to prevent it, and I know that I am blameless here. At least the girls seemed to get on OK with the OW - I'm glad there wasn't any conflict. Still, it's early days.

ALph.

Alphin,


My apologies that through my arrogance, I put you on my side of the pond.

Hang in there, your drama has still a long way to go.

Thanks, Cymanca, and no apology necessary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm sick of this soapy drama though, and I want to change the channel.

Alph.

Happy New Year to all! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Mine has started well *insert sarcastic graemlin here*. The girls and I got back from MIL's on Tuesday, and I had an appointment at the hospital for my Crohns. It's not been so great the last few months, and what with all the holiday food and drink and all - well, you can imagine.

They have put me on oral steroids, and I have to go in for a full colonoscopy in early february. NOT looking forward to that at all - but at least I might get some answers about this illness then - like how bad it is.

I will have to have an adult carer with me for 24 hours after the procedure - I'm not even allowed to boil a kettle on my own, because the sedation they give you makes you very drowsy and forgetful. So my parents are coming up to take care of me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Yesterday, I was rushing down the backstairs to put the rubbish out and I fell and gave myself a mild concussion. Today my head feels better (not woozey or confused any more) but my back, neck and butt are a lovely colour! DD5 and DD12 told me that my fall was really quite balletic - which I could appreciate it as they do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

After the fall, I FINALLY got confirmation from my atty that the D papers have been served and they are awaiting a response from STBX and OW. STBX has finally got himself an atty, though he can't afford one. He has tried to contact me about some unpaid bills, but I see no reason to talk to him about them - I'll just sort them out myself, and the mail him the ones I can't afford to pay. Looks like he still wants to continue paying for the house and bills, any way, despite his anger over exposure. He threatened to get an injunction taken out against me to stop me writing any more exposure letters (last one was written 6 months ago) but I think his atty has talked him out of it - he'd just have got laughed out of court.

All in all, not a great start to 2006. I still have plenty to look forward to, though. Becoming a free woman - yes, I can see many advantages to this now, I'm no longer afraid of it. Getting my angry insides sorted out. Loving and caring for my girls. Making the house just how I want it. Getting back into some serious creative writing.

Hope everyone here gets everything they wish for this year.

Alph.

((Alphin))

Ouch!! Sorry about the fall, sheesh. Good Luck with the thing in Feb, sounds dreadful but maybe they will have a better treatment plan for you once they have more info about your condition.

How are you doing emotionally with the divorce. I am still having trouble getting my mind and heart in sync, but I am much, much closer.

Hi Jean. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Feeling much better today, injury wise! I'm just glad I didn't have to spend a night in hospital - my head is fine now and the other bruises are healing and not so sore.

Emotionally, divorce-wise I am doing OK. Just wish it was over, but I've a long way to go yet. I've come to realise that I've been emotionally divorcing since STBX left in April, and that the legal divorce is simply the ending of a contract. Nothing more. I've done the worst of my grieving for this marriage, thank goodness!

I do still have bad days. Like when I fell, it would have been nice for some strong arms to pick me up and cuddle me, but I just had to struggle on myself. Then again, I managed to cope, and that feels good. I am coming to accept the fact that the girls have met the OW (they are over there for lunch this afternoon, in fact) and actually seem to like her! I'm trying to stop wishing that STBX and OW will be miserable together/break up soon - I can't see into the future, and they are not my business (except when they intereact with my children). Leave them to their own inner demons - if they have any!

How are things going with you?

Alph.

You sound very good Alphin. I guess your right about the divorce process just being contract negotiations, the emotional stuff is separate.

I am probably OK. We are hot and heavy into "contract negotiations". WH is very, very mad as I have had the nerve to reject his settlement offer. It is odd, he doesn't even know what I want, he is just irate that I won't write the D up exactly as he instructed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

The kids are doing pretty good. It is rough right now, WH has instructed me not to contact him at all except through an attorney (but I don't know who his attorney is) so the kids can't call him, which is just silly. So I asked the girls to suggest that Dad buy them their own cell phone so they can call him.

The kids haven't met OW yet, but WH talks about her alot so they tell me how wooonnnderful she sounds. I am emotionally OK with the impending meeting, but would still like to stall it as long as possible. OD doesn't want to meet her until she is declared a "keeper" and since OW may be deported soon, I think that negates her keeper status <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But I know that WH will marry her and breed with her (even though he does not want more children) just so he can be right and give his A validity.

We could be divorced March 14th (90 days after the filing) but it will probably take longer if we can't agree on the money issue. I would be happy to be D'd tomorrow and bicker about the money later. I am to the point where I would not take WH back without some very hard effort on his part, and after knowing him for 15 years, I know that he can't do the work. So I am OK with this being over.

I still want a logical reason why this happened though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Same here. It's utterly crazy to me. Of course, she's ten years younger than him, and has the energy, but STBX is a very old nearly 39-year-old - totally gray, overweight, drinks and smokes, has a stressful job. Having DD5 nearly killed him, he says (and me, but he barely noticed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> )


Logic doesn't apply here though, does it? Crazy, rampant, mind-scr£wing chemicals racing through the body... funny, I could buy that explanation at the beginning, but my STBX has been gone for over nine months now. I can't believe that OW is still delivering him the same 'cocktail' of addiction. Yet, with her he remains, and with her he seems likely to stay, even if it makes him miserable for the rest of his life.

That's what is illogical to me - that it's easier to stay with the wrong person and be miserable, than it is to admit you make a terrible mistake, apologise, and come home. AND BE HAPPY! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

As one Crohns to another .... the sentence I marked with bold .... says it all!

Peace and Serenity to your intestines in 2006

[color:"purple"]XOXO <<~~~~ from my colon to yours !!! [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

[color:"blue"] Living well .... revenge with a bonus ! [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

To better bowels! *chink*

And living a better life than STBX. I can do it. Yeah!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Wow, it's been a while since I posted on this thread...

Things are going OK for me - it looks like I'll finally be divorced by the early summer - yay! After the divorce is final the girls and I are possibly moving away from here. I'm very fortunate in that my parents have offered to buy us a house in the countryside, 250 miles south of where we are now. They would be retiring to the same area, and BIL & SIL & their little boy live nearby.

I know that STBX will try to stop the move, shouting about his 'rights' as a father, but he hasn't got a hope, seeing as 1) he left his family in the first place; 2) we would be moving to a nicer area than where we are now, great schools, great community etc; 3) I am not denying him access to the girls - though he'd only see them during school holidays and 4) my illness requires that I have support from family when it flares up, and I don't get that here.

I am sorry that the girls will never have the relationship with their father that they deserve, but I don't see that as my fault. This move is the hardest decision I've ever had to make, and I know that they will be very sad to leave their dad. DD12 will also miss her schoolfriends, as this area is the only place she's ever known.

In a way, I'm giving STBX exactly what he wanted - freedom to fully pursue his 'single guy' persona and his relationship with Omelette. When we leave, the house will be sold. He will be able to pay off all his affair debts, and he and Omelette can buy a place together, instead of renting the hole they live in at the moment. I used to hope that their financial hardship (him paying all our bills, renting a scummy flat, Omelette paying for everything) would put a strain on their relationship, but now I just don't care any more. If it turns out he's actually happy with the Omelette - so what? I have my own life to lead, and I'm not going to waste time wondering about them.

STBX is no longer a person I really want to know, not even as a friend. When he left, he promised that he's pay for all bills, that we'd be 'taken care of'. He's now stopped paying all the bills except for the mortgage, saying that I have enough on welfare to pay them all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> (he and Omelette have $110,000+ coming in between them). I'd heard that this is what often happens, that the WS eventually stops all help to the BS, but I never thought he'd do this to his own kids. I don't know how he lives with himself.

Still, life is good now - if challenging. I kind of enjoy seeing how far I can make the money go each week on groceries. I choose the 'value' brands for the most basic items - this makes a huge difference! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I am struggling to pay the utitily bills now that STBX has stopped, but once we sell the house I can pay off any debts.

I am really looking forward to my new life, post divorce. It is going to be much, much better for me, for us! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Hi, Alphin

Sounds like your being very positive about your future. Its amazing how we move on and Im sure that you will find someone who can show you the love you deserve- your WS does not deserve you.

I hope one day I will become as strong and happy as you seem - anyway own brand groceries aren't that bad, I buy them all the time.

Miffy 1

Thank you Miffy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

STBX doesn't deserve me, that's for sure. But he doesn't see it like that - he thinks I should be grateful that he and the Omelette have offered their friendship to me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It's funny, but I have no interest whatsoever in looking for another partner any time soon. If it happens, it happens, but I'm perfectly happy being single. I was out with some friends the other day, and they asked me if there was some else yet! I told them I was actually still married, and just enjoyed sitting at home most evenings, reading or some such. They said - well that's no kind of life!

I disagree. My kids are everything to me, and I like reading! I love being with them, but I also enjoy my time of peace, alone, when they are tucked up in bed. I've grown used to my solitude, and enjoy my own company. I spread out W I D E in my bed!

I don't think I have room for a man in my life!

Alph.

Alph,

Thanks for the update - I've been thinking about you!

How are the girls?

Cat

Hi Cat! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The girls are doing OK, thank you. It's proving a long winter for them - both have suffered nasty ear infections recently!

DD6 is going through another 'clingy' stage. She doesn't like to let me out of her sight when she's at home. Fortunately she loves school and has a wonderful teacher, and is quite happy to leave me at the school gates, which is a relief.

DD12 is harder to gauge. She seems to have a lot of fun when she visits her dad and the OW, and who can blame her, with all the wonderful things they have over there for her. OW recently gave her a set of virtually new professional hair straighteners 'which she didn't want any more' - worth over £100 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> and buys her things like stick on nails and expensive make-up. The kid is 12!!!

When STBX and I were together, we were always careful not to let DD12 become too obsessed with her appearence - it's so difficult for girls these days, and I want her to value her brain and spirit, not just what's on the outside. I just can't believe what he lets OW get away with - she does makeovers on DD12 almost every time she goes around there. Then DD12 comes back here and I make her wash it all off. *sigh*.

Sometime I feel like I'm the wicked stepmother! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Both girls seem to like the OW - and I don't mind, really, though I think she's turning DD12 into a bit of an airhead. For some reasons I genuinely hope that STBX and OW stay together, because for the girls to suffer another breakup and upheaval in their father's life would be a bitter blow.

All the more reason to move away - see GQII! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.