Well,

It's me; back again - however, I have a horrid feeling I'll be back for a long time this time.

I don't even know where to start, or where to go with this. I don't know where I left off - or what I last reported, but I'll try my best to sum it up. This past week has drained me more than I've ever been drained, so if I start to jumble words and not make sense, please forgive me - its 3:30am and I can't sleep.

Everyone by now, at least the veterans here who have been on awhile probably remember my story and the situation surrounding my wife.

Well, here we go -

After 3 months of separation, and finally caving to face the inevitable, I signed the divorce papers last summer and told her to do what she wanted with her life; that it would be wrong to force her into a relationship that she didn't want to be in any longer.

I then let go, cut all contact with my wife and left for my third year of college on the other end of the state. After three months of no contact, my (what I thought was ex-wife) contacted me over the internet to see how I had been doing. I was short and very vague; I was hurting horribly inside and was suffering enough living in our old house full of memories by myself.

I told her that I had been fine, and that I was getting by in life - trying to play the "I don't care that you're gone - routine, when in fact, I was burning inside with regret and missing her greatly. It was then, after three days, from 350 miles away, that my WW told me that she missed me deeply, and that she had been wondering how I'd been. She then confessed, telling me that she had never turned in the divorce papers; that although everything inside her wanted to - when the day came, she couldn't bring herself to turn them in.

With hesitation, I let her back into my life. We began talking back and forth on the phone, for hours at a time, and eventually decided that she would come up to visit (as friends). So, she came to visit and I saw her for the first time in nearly four months; she had lost a ton of weight, had redeveloped her appearance (as wrong as this sounds, she actually was taking care of herself again - she was the beautiful vixen I'd been entranced by so long ago, again).
Naturally, I fell head over heels in love again. We had a grand time, she kissed me when she left - and a week later we (primarily her, since I had never wanted to separate in the first place) decided we were going to give things a second shot.

Well, over the summer when she had betrayed me immensely, my broken heart reached out for someone - anyone's hand to hold. I found it in a girl two years younger than me; her name was Ashley. Ashley was a Christian girl who's (Yes, this is a set up) relationship with her non-believing boyfriend was studdering. We immediately began talking about God and about the hurts and pains in our respective relationships and over time became very good friends. She, like everyone else, encouraged me to move on and forget my WW; but my heart wouldn't let me - even though my head told me differently.

As time moved forward, my WW moved back in with me. Things for the first three or four weeks were grand; shadows of the love from the beginning of our relationship brought indescribable happiness to our relationship; and then - she confessed.

I had always felt in my heart that she had had a PA; and everyone on this site from months ago told me not to believe her when she said she hadn't - but I did. I had seen e-mails after secretly obtaining the password to her e-mail account verifying that while we were separated (As she termed, which "we" had decided to do; when in reality I had begged her not to give up on us from the beginning) she had been seeing other men from Match.com. Sure enough, she confessed to dating several other men.

When I announced my pain and the betrayal I felt knowing that she had seen other guys; she told me that she "Was only out there looking for friends" yet, her profile spoke that she was "Looking for a potential soulmate to confide in" and spoke of "Dates under the stars" and "Romanticism".

I quickly shrugged off her "Just friends" statement and broke down in tears, telling her that she had no idea how badly the summer had hurt me, and that I had suffered the whole way through - while she, admittedly, toyed with me and my emotions like a puppet. This coming from the same woman who earlier in life told a friend "I just love toying with men; it makes me feel such power" - no that's not verbatim.

It was one night, about three months ago; things were going great for us; and then she admitted to a PA during the summer while we were apart. I was crushed; I broke down crying, called her various names including a "w----" which she quickly refuted, telling me never to call her again; which, in tears, I backlashed in agony asking her, "Have you not earned that title?" She was quiet.

I told her I was through - and although I had always known deep in my heart that a PA was highly likely, her admission struck deep in my soul; the verification shellshocked me.

I snapped, screamed at her in tears - told her to leave and never come back; that she was a pile of garbage; I kept repeating "What did I ever do to you?" "How could you do this?"

She began to cry; begged me not to leave her - told me she would spend her entire life earning back my trust and that I was the best thing to ever happen to her.

Reluctantly, after hours of tears - I let her stay. Things were never the same.

After the admission, I found myself doubting my love for her; my view of her as a person - everything, I couldn't get the image of her doing things with another man knowing I was at home missing her in agony, while we were still married. I couldn't get the image of her lying to my face out of my head.

It destroyed us.

Here, is where the womps are deserved. Please - hand them out.

While I never felt the same toward her; I never stopped loving her. The love for her in my heart, in many respects was more than it had ever been; but this made the pain and feeling of betrayal so much worse. I slept by her side, told her I loved her; which I did - but I was being eaten away inside by a bitterness that I couldn't get rid of.

I prayed to God, asked him to help me forgive her; I did - but I could't forget it, and that killed it.

In her eyes, over the next month, our relationship was great - she was more in love with me than she had ever been, she stated. But inside, I was rotting - I loved her still; but the doubt was consuming me - what would stop this from happening again? She left once - why wouldn't she do it again. This set us up for disaster.

I began talking to Ashley again; her relationship was floundering, and I found myself knee deep in agony once again - every night, the dreams, the images got worse. I couldn't escape it.

It began innocently, the flirting and laughing between Ashley and I; there weren't really intentions at first, but I found a happiness in her that my wife could no longer give me - all I saw in my wife was a betraying liar that no matter how much I loved, I could never see the same.

I began to feel the closest feeling of "Falling in love" that I had felt before as I talked with Ashley; the desire to see and talk to her got greater and greater; all the while my wife was moments away, completely oblivious. I hated myself.

I remembered this site - and I was foolish not to immediately come back here and seek guidance, but I didn't. I was now the WS. I had never before thought of it; but I could see it - all the memories of the BS days, remembering the lies and the justifications, the fog and the blabble. I was being consumed by the fog; and I found myself justifying my feelings for Ashley.

Eventually, my wife began to catch on; she isn't stupid. I admitted that I had feelings for Ashley - that they were platonic, and that she was nothing more than a good friend who had been there to support me while my wife hadn't. Needless to say, it hurt my wife.

A week later I found out my wife was pregnant with my baby. I was ecstatic; I was so overjoyed, Ashley disappeared in my mind - I was consumed with love and happiness in my relationship again. I was going to be a father. I had never been happier in my life - but that joy, about two weeks later, was consumed by the fog and the fear.

I began to ask myself; "What have I done?" "I just got this lying wench pregnant" "How do I even know it's my baby?" - (I physically knew it was, but it didn't stop the questions and doubt that had stemmed from the betrayal over the summer.")

We had prayed about a child; Shannon was overjoyed, I had never seen her happier in her life. We went baby shopping, bought clothes, told family, everything was amazing; but the doubt kept eating at me like a disease.

I couldn't get the pain out of the back of my mind - I kept picturing her cheating on me; I found my joy for the child molding itself into anguish and regret. I kept asking myself, "Aaron - you scumbag, how could you EVER regret making a child? This is a miracle!"

I see-sawed back and forth; and then, it happened.

We went home for break - Ashley and Shannon were friends now, although my wife knew about my feelings for her; so it made her uneasy - but she tried. I kept telling myself "Who cares what she thinks, she broke your heart and tortured you for months while you remained faithful and steadfast to her."

That bitterness ate me away inside; and it ended in an affair. Although it wasn't a full-blown PA; we did kiss. Now, I know there could be worse; but it is still a PA. The kisses, although were as far as the PA went - were overshadowed by the EA in progress. I began to find myself telling Ashley that I loved her when I didn't. At that point in time, I didn't even know what love was - my mind was in circles, I was completely sucked into the fog.

I became depressed (I was on ADs at the time - I had been on them since the summer, and recently came off because of money issues) and felt dead to my wife. I felt it was unfair to cheat her like that; and I told her, the night before Thanksgiving that we needed to talk.

It was then that I confessed; I told her I felt dead in our relationship (But inside I still loved her; I didn't understand it at all.) I told her that I didn't think we were going to work, and that we should call it quits. (What the ****** was I thinking? I had a baby on the way...I never realized how powerful the fog truly is. It distorts EVERYTHING rational.)

Heartbroken, she said okay - she cried and cried; and called her mom to come get her. I then told her to wait, and that we needed to talk; and that I was confused and scarred from the summer - that we needed to seriously talk things out.

Things never recovered.

I eventually came out of the fog long enough to realize how badly I had hurt Shannon - but every time she spit the affair in my face, I couldn't help but think "WOW! I KISSED SOMEONE, GET OVER IT - AT LEAST I DIDNT HAVE SEX WITH THEM LIKE YOU DID."

I kept trying to justify it, it was pointless. She broke down, began to pack up her things and was about to leave. This action ripped my head out of the fog for a split second - I was the love of my life, pregnant with my baby walking out the door. I begged her not to go; I began to cry. What in God's name had just happened?

I begged her to stay, I told her I would cut all contact with Ashley; that she didn't mean a thing to me - that I had been confused, and felt loved by someone while I was incapable of feeling love toward my wife.

She stayed...

...for a week.

Then, she left.

I called her; told her I missed her and that I was sorry - she told me however, that it had nothing to do with her not loving me, but that she just wasn't happy any longer.

I found emails (I still knew her address) from her to her friend saying that she felt so incredibly betrayed by what had happened, and that although we just kissed, she couldn't get the idea out of her head. She told me she loved me; and that it although part of her leaving had to do with my affair, it wasn't the main reason - but it was; she said so in her email to her friend.

Three days ago; my world fell apart. She had an abortion.
She was three months pregnant. I begged her two days before it happened not to go through with it. I told her that I understood her leaving me, and that she didn't need to stay with me. I told her however, that I would raise the baby (She didnt want it any longer.) She told me that it was her body, and that I had no choice in the matter. I pleaded with her - told her that the little family I had left would support me, and that I would drop out of school to work for the baby if I had to - that the baby and my relationship with her were the only thing in my life that mattered - which they were, and still are.

She told me that she'd rather have a complete stranger raise the child than me; and that she would never be able to live knowing that her child was calling someone else "Mommy"...so she killed it.

I have been broken ever since I found out that she went through with it. She doesn't know I know - I found out through her e-mail. The night before it happened, I called her crying - i left about a ten minute long message begging her not to kill the child. It didn't change things.

I found a e-mail yesterday to her friend written by her; she told her friend that she went through with the abortion because "She didn't have my support - or the money." WTF? I told her I would drop OUT OF SCHOOL TO PAY FOR THE CHILD and that I would support her in everything - yet she tells people this? She continues to justify killing the baby, saying that "It was best for the baby,".

She killed my child - our child; the same one she prayed for with me. I understand that part of this, if not all of it had to do with me kissing another woman; but I can't stand it - I'm torn up inside. I can't get the image of a doctor sucking my unborn love out of my wife's womb and throwing it into the trash. I keep finding myself haunted by this; like the very symbol of our love that she had inside of her she threw away into the trash.

Apparently she's very distraught right now - she told her friend in her email that she was incredbly upset just writing about it and that she had to go.

I begged and pleaded with her not to kill the child - i told her I loved her, because I do, and always have. She cheated on me - and although a PA is a PA, I sense just a small difference between kissing and sex; although - this is probably just the fog hovering over me still.

But I can't understand how I could forgive her for putting me through ******; or at least - trying to, and staying with her - but then she crucifies me for kissing another woman and being completely unable to understand how I could ever resort to such a thing after simply looking for someone who loved me after my WW betrayed me.

I can't get over this - my baby, God - I have been haunted by this for the past week; and now the reality of knowing that she killed my baby needlessly, knowing I would take care of it has filled my heart with anger toward her. I told her two days ago that I never wanted to talk to her again; that I had lost all respect for her the moment in which she said that human life wasn't worth it because she "Didn't have the money". She tried calling me back after that but I hung up immediately - she called several more times, leaving a message calling me "Immature, and that I was acting childish".

I don't know where to go from here - or what to do; I find myself wanting to at least email her and see if she's doing okay - but inside, everything inside me hates her for what she did; she killed an innocent CHILD. MY CHILD. And now she is lying to people telling them it was because I wouldn't support her? Yet, part of me still loves her so deeply, and feels so horrible knowing the pain that she must be going through - yet, I keep telling myself, she deserves it - she is the one that decided to kill this child; I gave her a way out.

I tried to apologize for my wrong doing; I told her I wanted to stay married and that I loved her. I told her I'd always be here for her and the baby - and tried to remind her that once before, I had forgiven her and taken her back after she had cheated on me. I begged her to try and look at it back then; and how she felt, begging me to take her back. But she didn't fold.

Now I'm alone for Christmas, find myself with a dead baby on my conscience (Although I can't convince myself that its not my fault...even though she is the one that killed it; and I begged her not to do it, there was nothing I could do to stop it.)

I don't know what to do - if I should call her or not...

I love her still, but so much of me is bitter and extremely anger beyond words knowing that she killed my child. Yet, so much of me wants to be there to just hold her and tell her everything will be okay.

Ugh - I don't know what to do...


...Things have gone from bad to incredibly worse; and I'm just coming here because you all, over the almost year, that I have been here - have given me advice beyond compare.

Everyone in my family is telling me this is the last straw and that I need to divorce her; that yes, I was unfaithful much like she was, but that it was, in some ways understandable (I'm not trying to justify it, because it was wrong.)

Everyone keeps telling me that she has really, really, bad issues and that she is incapable of loving anyone right now, much less herself or a child as we witnessed; and that her unwillingness to forgive me after I forgave her, as well as her hastiness to kill our child, is a huge indicator that I need to leave her.

I still love her; and I feel like I have to leave her; but I love her so badly - and now I feel so horrible - knowing that a child has died needlessly, I keep looking at my wife as a monster; a baby-killing and selfish monster who, since she could not support the baby on her own, decided to kill it rather than have me raise it - yet I still love her...why?

My aunt and uncle, who's house I am staying at over break told me that she is not allowed here; and everyone is telling me to go to the courthouse and file for divorce..

I can't explain the pain of seeing her go through with the abortion against my wishes - I'm almost convinced that she killed the baby out of spite; I keep thinking I hate her, which so much of me thinks I do - but then I see how I was unfaithful, and part of me tries to justify her reasoning for killing the baby, BUT ITS WRONG. UGH.

I don't know what to do...all I know is that I'm sad beyond compare right now...

I had never EVER invisioned myself as being unfaithful; especially after seeing the torment she put me through - I never wanted anyone to EVER experience that again; but its like the pain sucked me into it and I became part of it, and allowed it to happen...I can't help but feel like a horrible person, even though I was just looking for love - unfortunately in the wrong places..
-Sincerely,

Aaron

foxor..

I am so very very very sorry......so sorry...

I do not know what to advise...

mourn and ask those who love you to quit telling you what to do...and just mourn for a bit..

there is no need to decide a thing right now....

I understand that part of this, if not all of it had to do with me kissing another woman; but I can't stand it -

it is NOT your fault...

she chose this
and nothing you did or didn't do justifies it....

please only care for yourself right now...

any contact in my opinion would be too volatile...it is even too early to forgive her...for you need to process this...and not take her choice from her..it was hers alone....do not carry that burdon....

be well foxor..
seek God's Grace to comfort you....
know that the universe will be well for you again...

ARK

the biggest thing that im struggling with is that I want so badly to forgive her; I don't believe in grudges or holding things against people; being Christian I want so badly to forgive everything people may do to me; but there is so much of my heart that will never be able to forgive her for killing our child; and I love her from the bottom of my heart even still...


I just can't get this idea out of my head that my poor little boy or girl will never live to see this Earth or its parents; it makes me cry just thinking about it. It's interesting really because I never really had an opinion on abortion - in fact, I truly didn't ever care - I just figured (Oh well its whoever's decision) but after being in this predicament and experiencing the pain first hand that a parent experiences after losing a child (I can't even begin to comprehend the pain one might feel in losing a child they have known for years...) I can't imagine how anyone could ever do such a thing; most remarkable my wife. I don't understand how she could ever do this..

One thing, I do have to thank God for - is giving me a new outlook on my life as a whole after losing this child. I want to do everything I do for that child; and for my God. I want to be a good man, and a good person and think of everyone before myself. For that, I am thankful.

I had a dream a few nights ago; I saw my baby's face - she was a girl - and she was beautiful beyond words; she looked like me, something that struck me as a surprise, because I look nothing like my parents. I woke up in a cold sweat and couldn't get back to sleep. That dream solidified this experience as a horrible one, and has really personalized the death of the child a lot more than I had hoped to experience. I wish I could get past this guilt; even though I know that I had no role in the death of this child.

Hi Aaron,

I am sorry too for all that you went through.It all sounds so familiar to me,how very young you are and watching people I knew make mistake after mistake.It's all quite a mess isn't it? All the choices made and how there were consequences.At the very least,it's a valuable lesson on how important it is for people to really think choices through,not just what happens tomorrow,but what happens in your lifetime.

Your description too of all the emotional angst you have also seems familiar.All I could say is with age does come wisdom,at least in my experience.You have been dealt a lot to handle right now and if I were you,I would seek solitude and Gods' strength.You need time to process everything and get some balance and order in your life.What's done is done and how you deal with it all now is important.Ask for Gods' help.Just having God to talk to and no immediate answers did help me along a path of self discovery and growth.Take time to feel your emotions and take care of yourself.Sorry for your loss.I hope in time things will become less painful for you.

O

Edited to add:

I just read your last post,that I didn't see before.One of the most rewarding and fulfilling feelings for me Aaron was doing what I could and living a life closer to God.Nothing has made me feel so fulfilled as living this way so I try whenever I can to direct people on this path because as many of us are aware of,seeking fulfillment in many of the other ways tends to fail us.You can't go wrong,IMO,seeking a life of goodness that includes making right decisions that do not hurt other's and are not selfish.Living this way has also helped keep me out of trouble.I guess that is why I feel so secure even though I have been through so much.

Aaron,

You are both very young. Your wife is emotionally immature ~ too young to be having children and raising children right now.

Please take it very slow and careful.

Professional (face to face) help could be very helpful to you right now..

Hugs,
Susan

I agree. Am so sorry you went thru this. And your xw's behavior is so unstable right now.

You are young. You did NOT make this choice. She chose a full blown affair. You knew enough and knew when to put the brakes on this friendship. But I suppose and surmise that many people in recovery, find it soo hard to get over the angst of the affair. The affair in the end, if the op is gone even, can still kill a M.

Your WW has done a horrid thing. It is very immature and selfish...her choice. Trust me, her conscience and soul will be her punishment.

Have faith. Do not run to anybody but us, your closest friends, and of course, your Creator right now. You are vulernable right now.

I know how you felt. I miscarried during my xh's affair. About the time I found out I was, the affair he had resumed had just resurfaced and he had left. The stress of the whole thing, took its toll on my body. I remember being downstairs in my media room. Crying and sobbing...had been bleeding badly for a week...and suddenly my xh comes home. He pops his head into the media room. Asks me why in the hades was I down here crying? I tell him. Not much of a reaction basically. And then two and a half years later, he names his baby with the ow the name I'd picked out for a girl.

Turn your cheek the other way. Forge ahead. Get the papers signed and remove yourself from this pain. If she is unable to choose a healing route for your marriage, then you cannot carry on. Please see a pro too to help you through this so your WW's anger and hurt does not spill into your life further. You are having to heal from much now.

You have friends Aaron. We will pray and listen. Stick w/family and friends right now.

I am very very sorry for your loss. God will grace you. You will be given in good time more love in your life. But all in good time. Just heal now. Heal for now. And if anybody knows what it's like to have to give up their child, it's your CREATOR. Talk to Him (could be a HER) for a while.

May peace be with you my friend.

Hi, Fox.

I am sorry for your pain.

Get the papers signed and filed ASAP. Take off a couple of years from any serious relationships. Stay away from your estranged wife for good.

You are not going to find your life with her. She has issues and you need to do some growing.

If you don't already have a copy, buy "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders" by Harley. I promise that it will help you understand your situation.

God bless,
Gimble

(((((Aaron)))))

FoxOr - Remember me?

No "words of wisdom," "no advice" right now. Just a question.

Are YOU willing to surrender your life, totally, to God and to follow Him in humble obedience no matter what or how you are feeling or what you are mentally struggling with?

If so, there IS help.

What that help is will have to wait until you answer the question. But lest you think that's a bit harsh and "unfeeling," consider this question also;

Has "doing it your way" worked well?"


God bless and grant you His wisdom in this time of need.


P.S. It's interesting the way God uses all things to work for good in the lives of those who love Him. I wondered why I woke up today with an intense earache, so intense that I couldn't go with my wife to church today.....and here you are in need of God's touch through THIS medium, a medium that God can also use.

"Reach out and touch someone...." Reach out Aaron. God's waiting to answer.

My heart goes out to you, Fox...

Do you have a pastor/spritual leader that you can go to?

John

Fox - the first thing that occurred to me when reading your story was, "How do you know that what your WW ever said was true?"

Do you know *for a fact* that she was pregnant?

Did she go to a doctor? Even with home preg tests and all that, women still make an appointment with their ob/gyn the instant they think they are pregnant to begin pre-natal care.

If she went to a doctor, did you see written proof of her pregnancy?

And *if* she was actually pregnant, do you know *for a fact* that she had an abortion or is that just her word, too?

From your description, your WW sounds like someone who would indeed be this cruel. She likes to "toy with men" for the "power" it gives her -- remember? And there is nothing more powerful for a woman to hold over a man's head than his own child (whether that child actually exists or not.)

I think that her "pregnancy" and "abortion" could very well be the ultimate punishment for you daring to move on and find someone else.

Please make sure this is not all just some cruel lie to punish you. It very well could be.
Mulan

Mulan, I know with 100% certainty that she was pregnant. I saw the test - went with her to the doctor; and saw her miss 3 straight periods. So, no - her being pregnant was not a lie.

Her talking about the abortion is not a lie either; she wouldn't tell her friend these things if they weren't true.

She told her friend in the email that "She had the abortion because she didn't have my support" and that "Her baby was better off dead than with me"...can't even begin to explain that one.

She ended her e-mail to her friend by saying that she needed to "Go lie down" because she was "Upset"...

Who knows.

I don't like this idea of her going around telling people the baby is dead because "I wouldn't support her". I cried on the phone with her for an hour telling her I would drop out of school a year from graduation from college to support this child. Why is she saying these things to people?

Well put Mulan!

I know firsthand how that is so powerful to a man. My xh's ow/w has used the "baby" issue twice now. First she used the pregnancy card with her xbf...got deliberately preggers to force an issue...try to get him to marry her. Did NOT work. Then she sought out a married man and father..my then H...had an affiar...and when the D was NOT going fast enough, she pulled out her little trump card and "forgot" to take her pill. Voila! She has a baby...man is married but divorcing...man NOT interested in marrying mistress..BUT WOULD RATHER CUT OFF OWN ARM THAN SEE OW ABORT OR PROHIBIT MY XH FROM LIFE WITHTOUT CONTACT WITH HIS OWN CHILD...and she got married this time.

It could be just words.

Was it verified?

I mean, it would be ultimately cruel. But she is very immature in her actions Aaron. I would NOT put it past her.

Orchid is here...she could maybe help. Her xh's ow had "multiple pregnancies"...and not ONE of them was ever for sure. Was only a manipulative tactic to keep wh on the leash.

I would file. Turn cheek. We'll pray for her. Move ahead. And talk with God all the time. We are here for you. So sorry for your loss. But it is good to find out if the loss was for sure...or if she was just yanking your chain.

Still thinking about this one . . .

It seems to me that you have simply taken her word for things all along.

"We're not divorced because I never turned in the papers"

"I'm pregnant"

"I had an abortion"

Fox, unless you've got hard written undeniable PROOF of these things, I'm calling bullsh*t on her whole sad story. The timing is just waaaaaaaaaay too convenient. According to you, it all started after your WW found out about Ashley.

WW has already proven that she is a liar and a manipulator without conscience. I think she's just trying to punish you in the worst possible way.
Mulan

I would not have put this past her either; but unfortunately, the loss was true - which makes the pain that much worse.

Her going around blaming the abortion on "Lack of support from me" is horse crap however. I told her I was here for HER and this baby; and she walked out on us - and killed the baby. I want to e-mail her and tell her never to blame that on me again; this is her cross to bear - but I don't want her to know I know the p/w to her e-mail.

Mulan, I have papers in my hand from the doctor's office stating that she is pregnant; I went with her to those visits so they aren't forged. Although I wish that was the case; it'd be one less dead child on my conscience.

***Mulan, I have papers in my hand from the doctor's office stating that she is pregnant; I went with her to those visits so they aren't forged.***

Okay, I'll give you that one. But what proof do you have of an abortion?

She could very well have had a miscarriage. They happen in the first three months more often than many people think. And the medical term for "miscarriage" is "spontaneous abortion."

Again -- what proof of an "abortion" do you have, besides her word?
Mulan

Well; she told her best friend that she had an abortion - now; for all I know, she could have written that e-mail KNOWING that I know the password to her e-mail address; however, I highly doubt she knows I have the password to her e-mail.

Secondly, I guess her friend's response to the e-mail could have been faked by her friend; but that seems pretty intricate.

There is also an official e-mail from Planned Parenthood in her e-mail account welcoming her as a "New Patient" and stating her username and password; although it says nowhere in the letter that her visit was an "Abortion" I do not know.

Someone from her baby forum PMed her with a subject heading of "APB" - i don't know what that means; but I think it has to deal with abortion; and the person who PMed her said the following:

Hey Shannon - Haven't seen you on in awhile just wondering how things are going for you this week? I'm hoping you're not on here b/c you are in the process of moving back to Seattle! Check-in when you get a chance, I just hope things are looking a little brighter this week than in the last few for you! Take care of yourself and stay strong.
-Kara
P.S. I never did hear how your doc appt went, did you find anything out?


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Dunno what that meant; but I guess it's all up for interpretation. The doctor's appointment she referred to never happened; it was scheduled for the 9th; she left before then.

She said this to the same woman; it makes me want to vomit.

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Yeah, I know. He keeps changing his mind all the time. One minute, he loves me, the next he doesn't... I just don't know what to do. (Well, I'm sorry for having doubts after she cheated on me; is that not normal?!??!?!)

I know I am better off without him, (If that is the case; why did she come back once already and beg for my forgiveness??)

and I am still planning on leaving, but I know I can't raise this baby on my own. (I told her I would raise it; no mention of this.)

I have no job, tons of unpaid bills, and no place to live. (This is because she is CHOOSING to leave me; she always had a place to live with me. She QUIT her job to leave me.)

My sister is gracious enough to let me stay with her for awhile, but it's only temporary....I just don't know what to do anymore....

I messed up this summer when he and I were separated ( she then states "we were going to get a divorce" but fails to mention that this was because she left; I begged her not to go.), and I was unfaithful to him, but I was honest with him about it, and I apologized and I made damn sure that I wanted to be with him. I haven't gone back on that since....And now this? (Okay wait. So it's okay for her to have a full blown affair when I was nothing but faithful to her; but then after I have a lapse in sanity because of the doubt her affair caused and kiss another woman; soon after confessing RIGHT AWAY and breaking contact with that woman; its NOT okay for me? Sorry - she sounds like a hypocrite. Not saying I wasn't wrong in the kissing; BECAUSE I WAS, but...she martyrs herself here, and I don't understand it.

)And I am PG on top of it??? I just feel so betrayed. (Welcome to last summer...I told her I was sorry; asked for her forgiveness and told her she would always have a loving husband and place to stay with me; and that I was sorry for kissing another woman and having doubts trying to get the image of her affair out of my head - but this doesn't mean anything to her appearently as she tells everyone the baby is dead cuz "I wouldn't support her," and "She has no where to go" ....yes she does.)

Anyway, I hope all is well with you.

Take care,
Shannon

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Reading this makes me sick; all of the lying and double standards make me want to vomit; and now the dead baby on top of it - I don't understand why or how she is doing this. She acts completely surprised like I'm Satan Incarnate because I had trouble telling her faithfully that I loved her with 100% certainty after her affair - is it that huge of a surprise that I waivered for a split second between her and a woman who acted like they cared at the time? (Once again not saying it was right. But ugh.)

FoxOr - Planning to answer my question, or do you simply want sympathy (we will all give you that)? But it won't "help" your situation or your marriage.

Yes, I am - and I want to. So, in regards to your question - what and how would I do that?

Sorry I didn't respond right away, like eight people posted right away and I got sidetracked.

Yes, I do want to let God take care of things - and I want to serve Him wholey.