Ok folks. Almost all the Christmas shopping is done. I am today dealing with breakup of xbf and I. It is amazing however, when you can be down in dumps that it is NOT and is nothing like the angst I went thru 2 years ago this time...when the D was ending...and when x remarried suddenly.

But I did think for a long while xbf was the one. We've had several starts and stops during the last year and a half. And I dated somebody else inbetween. But I thought this guy, this guy I knew back in college was IT! Last time this year, we had biggie breakup. WAs over a trip to NYC for new year. He did a last minute arguement,and I never ended up going and I broke up with him for a very long time. Fast forward, he crawls back after several months away. For last few months, we've been back together and things were good. He proclaimed he believed I was THE ONE...and that we were going to end up together...he had even asked for committment.

Then suddenly he did it again. Did it again yesterday. Last month, same weekend, he did same thing also..but it was carefully explained away.

Yesterday about noon he calls me. He is supposed to be at my house by 1 pm. We were going to spend day together, and go downtown for dinner at night, and see Christmas lights and maybe go to aquarium. Very romantic evening planned. I remember asking him on wednesday if this was "etched in stone" as if there was chance this could fall thru, that I wanted to have arranged other plans with friends...so I could go out. I have ds next weekend, and weekend of new year, I am on call. bleech.

He assures me it is etched in stone. Anyway, yesterday he calls at noon...says he strained his back playing tennis at the club and that he wanted to sit in sauna and soak in whirlpool. Wanted to relax a few HOURS (few hours?), take some tylenol and see...SEE IF HE FELT BETTER...???WTF? I said that this was unfortunate, but he'd used this very excuse LAST month when we had plans on a saturday night. He said it was SAME PROBLEM flaring up again. I asked what his doc said about it? He said that it was just "something that happens". Wow. Same problem flaring up again and something that happens? My antennae flick up.

I have long talk with him. I am at greenbelt runnning btw. He says "well we said we'd spend day together but I don't recall having any FORMAL PLANS to go out tonight...we just tossed out ideas." I lose it. I said that I asked him for sure if it was etched in stone as I COULD HAVE MADE OTHER PLANS...He says I am GETTING MAD FOR NOTHING. I then ask him if he in fact did utter those words because if he did not, I was going to spend the rest of my Christmas money on going to a shrink b/c I am hearing voices! He said that no, he said them but that I was just BLOWING THINGS UP. I said wow! D you don't understand...you DID THE SAME THING LAST MONTH on a saturday night...the saturday night I 1)do not have ds and 2)am not on call. The one good saturday night I have. How is our relationship supposed to be good if you do this? Then I bring up NYC. He says again that I am blowing things up.

I could not handle it. I said I would talk to him when I was ready. I hung up cell and continued running. Running with stupid tears in my eyes. I swear...I will NOT ever go thru the mess of having somebody make me think I did not see or hear what I saw or heard! It was almost like a very benign talk with darth during early days of his affair. I will NOT be with somebody who cannot commit 100 percent to anything at all! For somebody who professes to love me, want to be with me, marry me, etc...his ACTIONS ARE UNCLEAR...about 80 percent of the time he';s fine...then there's the 20 percent when he just does this kinda stuff...and it never gets explained. Does a girl accept 80 percent now? Hope the 20 percent comes in time? Or cut losses and do what I did (run)...???

After my run I attempt (first attempt yesterday btw) at going 2 grocery store. It was five pm. In parking lot he calls me. I say that I love him...that I do...but that I am not accepting of his behavior now. He says he wants to come over NOW>..he senses I am getting ready to do something big...he feels it coming on. Then says he wants to just hold me...and give me a gigantic kiss when he sees me. I say that it's not bout that right now. He says "well what are you going to do when you see me?" I tell him that we need to be focused on meeting each other at the fifty yeard line ok? We need to meet in the middle now and talk. He gets angry. Why all this fifty fifty talk? What is this about? I ask him about why he chose to put me off for several hours...that HE COULD FEEL CRAPPY NEAR ME..WITH HIS BACK ACHING...JUST AS EASILY AS FEEL CRAPPY IN HIS MEDIA ROOM AT HIS TOWNHOME.

He replied: "sometimes I want to be alone"

deja vu. My xh used to retreat to his media room. Sequester himself away for hours there. Did that when fog set in.

I said "so D is it your back or your wanting to be alone and watch the big game on tivo?" He said it was his back...but that THE GAME WAS INDEED SOON TO BE OVER...

Wow! I saw it.

It was D's needs 90 percent...Peach's needs 10 percent!

So he called me at the club, said his back was strained, that he felt horrid...wanted to stay in sauna, get in whirlpool, go HOME and take tylenol and while watching football, SEE IF HIS BACK FELT BETTER AND IF IT DID THEN WE COULD RESUME OUR DAY TOGETHER.

Basically, he threw me aside for football. Better yet, he did NOT honor a committment because of that. Now if any of you know me, you know I love football! Heck used to perform at several NFL halftimes in my younger years btw...so what was this about? Either he met buddies at a bar or something..or buddies came over to his house to watch football...

but why NOT tell me the truth? Why the whole "my back my back" thing? He did that last month. He called me four hours after we were supposed to have a date to say he'd taken a muscle relaxer his doc gave him, soaked in his hot tub at the townhome, and fell asleep b/c his back was hurting.???

I drive home. Never go to grocery. He calls again. We talk. HE is insisting to come over now. I am madder than hades at this point. I finally say after he says again "Peach...YOU ARE GETTING ME MAD...you are sooo blowing this thing outta proportion!"...I start crying quietly. I say "you lost me". I hang up.

I sit there on the floor in my bathroom. I am thinking. Silently. Oh my goodness. What has happened? What is he doing? What am I doing? I carefully sit and write down on a nearby pad the issue at hand. The steps taken to solve it. And did bf try to solve anything.??? (my awesome counselor said to do this when you think somebody is being less than honest with you) I write down what happened last month. Were there any steps made by bf to solve it? No. Not really. Just alot of I'm sorry's..and this was an accident stuff basically.

I see that I have to show him that I am all action. I am NOT interested in what somebody says to me. And even if he's the most handsome, intelligent, and adorable guy...he is flawed seriously if he cannot be a man of integrity. I choose to breakup. Am I sure if it is permanent? I am not sure. But I know I cannot continue on with somebody who's actions do not match their words 100 percent.

I can't bear to hear his voice. I am too upset. So I text him the following: "Can't go on hurting this way. You've lost me."

Cry some more. Then get up, go to grocery finally. As you guys know, the starbucks is closed. In my sadness, am able to find however the breakfast blend starbucks so I can bring it home.

I am in grocery. Get text back. Says "It didn't have to be like this." It is a stupid message. It does NOT say he was wrong. It does NOT say he is sorry. It just says that I did NOT have to do what I did. WTF? I go home with groceries, santa candy for stockings, breakfast blend, grocery store sushi, and some staples, and some hummus and pita chips. And good chard.

So here I am now, reflecting on the evening at hand. Now I am up, drinking coffee (good stuff that breakfast blend!)sprinkled with apple pie spices (really good stuff too), and eating sme of the santa candy b/c I have had a horrid attack of pms along with this stuff. Why is it that chocolate helps? Is it the xanthine (lemonman or Pep might know) Was it the xfiancee rearing her ugly head again? Was it his true desire to watch football? What could keep an otherwise NORMAL man from acting or behaving normally? I cannot figure it out. It was so big to him just 2 days ago. He was all excited planning out evening out. It is like he gets really close to me..and then just pulls back a teeny bit...but does something to make me very angry.

It is as if he is deliberately doing things to keep us from getting to that place where we know "this is it". Like he is deliberately doing this to us. But the "why" is what I cannot find.

I am getting ready to go to park and run again. Peace is nice. And it's sad. I like my life when it is peaceful. And sadly after going thru what I did 2 years back, I realize that peace is the thing in shortest supply in the world. Why God wants us to have peace and goodwill toward men. why? It's in short supply. Having peace knowing you do not have to carry something is good. Sad, but good. I did think he was the one. Gave it a good try. Is it over? I think so. Only way it's gonna ever work is he 1)gives me space and time to think about this 2)he finds and discovers what he has been doing and shows me ways he is NOT going to do this again or what he has done to correct the problem and 3)remains consistent in his actions. But I know I am NOT going to be committed to him as a gf anytime soon right now.

One of my best gf's thought that I was getting engaged for Christmas btw. She sure did. Maybe it ws a carefully executed plan by bf to do this as to NOT have to get engaged or do something to fulfill our committment?

Anyway, after 2 glasses of chard last night (very very good btw...new brand called Gwenoc. Very fruity and light)my buddies here and my best gf back home talked me into putting up profile again online. It is done. It's up.

So here I go into the dating stream again. But in my own time.

I feel ok. Very wierd though. Sad but ok.

At least all the toy shopping and relative shopping is done. Today am gonna go to honeybaked shop and put in my request for the holiday dinner for ds and I...we eat that darn ham for weeks after! Ham soup, ham sandwiches, ham and cheese breakfast biscuits, ham anything! And for the run.

He let me down again. And he's not getting back in. Not for a long time, if ever again. Not without a plan. Not without showing where he fell short and offering a plan to heal. If not, I continue moving ahead without him. Kinda a dating B. Except now I am free to accept a date if I feel like it.

This stinks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I've never been in the dating scene..

BUT..I don't like it that he did not tell you the truth..

He has a big problem with DISHONESTY....

But you seem to have done what I used to do with my anger..recently worked on this during my LIGHTBULB MOMENT on here with Pep and others..

I used to do the FIGHT OR FLIGHT...

Pep encouraged me to stick in there and DUK IT OUT...

Oh what a lesson!!!

Sounds like to me he is anxious about making a commitment..

Maybe he's doing the FIGHT OR FLIGHT in his own way...

Seems like to me that you two may be able to TALK ABOUT THIS MORE..Communicate more..rather than FUSS or RUN...

We can't alway have PEACE..

We learn and grow through CONFLICT...

IMO..it would be GOOD to TALK to him about YOU TWO coming up with A PLAN together....

I can totally understand your POV....and I am a guy...he wanted to basically watch football and not stick to his date plans with you....what does that say? Geez. Not something I would do if I truly cared about someone and wanted to grow with them.

Honesty is a huge thing for us BS. We need it and will not tolerate anything less (AND WHY SHOULD WE). I realize dating is not easy as I started to explore a few options last year when I was separated and on the road to D. Bottom line is good people are hard to find and no one is perfect. Your xbf keeps doing the same thing over and over again, a very telling sign that this behavior will continue. Sure, we all learn and grow from conflict but it seems you really know where this is going. Your call entirely but my recommendation is to keep looking, relax and have fun.

I am all over the place today. Not good. Went running...then slept. Then went and took care of a Christmas gift for grandparents...I am sad...not feeling quite myself.

I know what it is. I am missing bf. I need to know about fight or flight.

Since he would NOT work on talking with me, I chose flight. He would not duke it out.

Not fight I mind you. Just discuss and tell me the why's.

It is the excuse...or is it truth? Or is my antennae sticking up and standing me on edge or hyperalert for nothing? Or is it something. I just want him to confirm he's either givng excuses or telling truth! But my gut says he may feel a little back strain..but it is used as a crutch to get his way.

Am sad, anxious, and feeling on edge all at same time. And yet feel like slug and want to hide under the covers. I am gonna try to clean up my house in a bit. I need to get over this feeling. Wierd feeling really.

All this plus the anniversary of my leaving xh this week a few years back.

I guess in the end I have felt like I truly deserve some happiness. Why can't the guy follow through? He can the majority of the time. It's these isolated incidences that scare the heck outta me and make me want to run. He says he loves me. Supposedly he believes I am the one. If he loves me, then why do I feel unloved sometimes? Why do I feel differently?

I broke up w/him last night b/c he would NOT engage at all. He would NOT explain the w hy. He then further blamed me for alot of stuff. Said that "had you just NOT gone off deep end Peach...I would have most likely just come over and we'd rest...I'd finish watching the game, and we'd go out later after that...but NOOOOO you just go and blow things up outta proportion."

I am sorry but I do not think I blew it up. First time it happened, I was understanding. But this is NOT the first time! What he does as I've learned when we disagree (which is not common btw) is say what he would have done had I been more whatever...Say something that WOULD have happened had I done something else. Like you can prove that line of reasoning? Come on.

Thanks nature for your mans' pov words. And it is right. You're right. HIs doing same thing over and over suggests to me that there is a pattern I am seeing develop.
To make it worse, he has NOT attempted to call me. Or try to work on things. Or try anything at all. I wanted some space sure, and to cool things off a while. To rethink my position. And maybe he's doing that as well. I do not know.

I just know this totally stinks.

ummmm...I'm just wondering. Did you say you have pms? Could this have anything to do with this?

Susan

I think you are overreacting.

It seems to me that you are only focused on what is best for you here. I am not sure that is the best approach. What you may deem to best for "us" may on close examination be only what is best for you. Just a thought.

Not much time for me right now...

But in terms of the FIGHT OR FLIGHT...

My H shuts off..doesn't listen and does not respond if I come on FULL FORCE WITH THE FIGHT...

I have to calm down first and calmly talk to him about what is bothering me...

He is really very responsive to this approach...

SUPPORTED AND SUGGESTED BY PEP AND JL...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I don't think you made a bad call....seems like you've had significant issues w/ him before. He left, came back, and then bailed on two occaisions to watch football when he had plans w/ you. TIVO, huh? couldn't he watch the game later?

Hi Peach -

I think your xbf should know how important honesty is to you after what you went through with Darth. So, he should have stuck to his original plan. So, he's a big NFL fan as well as College?? He would have known that football was on before making his plans with you. I think that was just a bad move on his part.

Sorry this is happening to you during the Holidays. Hey, I used to grace the football fields during halftime too!! I'm all for football(College that is) also!!

Make this a fantabulous holiday for you and DS. I know you will!! I am trying this year more than ever to look at Christmas through a child's eyes. Think of the excitement that your DS will have Christmas morning when he gets up to check his stocking & under the tree. What joy and happiness he will have! And you will be right there with him, sharing in this awesome experience!

Hugs!!!!

Kim

Cool Kim...I have lost everybody's cell..I will email u in a bit.

Update: Xbf came over tonight after work. he called during work today to ask if it was really over? He said he had "note from his doc about his back" and it was signed today. He tried to tell me that he just felt like total crapola saturday and ONLY wanted to wait a few hours, soak, relax, take some tylenol, and watch some football while he was trying to get the edge off the pain and when he called back at five pm, he was hurting really bad, but was still wanting to go out w/me that night.

Btw...tylenol has codeine in it...what doc gave him last month for the flare ups. He does have flare ups but mild. He played football his first year in college then rugby. He's pretty darn athletic.

He called me @ work and said he did not want to lose me. That he loved me. And that he wanted to be with just me long term. That the xfiancee is long gone...from the vicinity and from his heart. That he doesn't want it. He said I am a wonderful mom, he finds me irristible, attractive, intelligent, and loves to be around and with me.

He sailed over here after work...left 15 min. early to beat some of the darn ATL traffic and when he walked in, he had one of my favorite chard's with him...and said "we have to talk". We talked. And sat by fire. And it made me recant my breakup mantra.

He is committing to communicating more clearly. He and I have different ways of speaking as he's a guy and I am a girl basically. He said he wanted us to be clear and how we talk to one another. That if there is a for sure problem, we both address it. And if he sounded wierd on saturday, it was b/c he was in pain. He said that he did 1)NOT see his friends nor did they come by to townhome. 2)he was really hurting badly. He only watched a little of the game actually. He said he was in foul mood b/c of the dull ache. 3)xfiancee is nowhere to be found...she is in FL still...and is not coming back. 4)he reacted in turn negatively to me b/c I questioned his character.

We discussed those topics. I talked about EN's...did NOT give the whole MB talk...not yet. not until we are way on that road. If ever. He said he'd work to understand what mine are. And I talked tohim about his EN's. Seems his are : affection, admiration, and recreation. Those are his biggies.

He asked me to go to movies and dinner w/him tomorrow...or to just go see Christmas lights and relax downtown for a short while? I said maybe Christmas lights near lake lanier or movie closer to home as I am on call. He said he'd be over again right after work...he'd leave early again. That he did NOT want to lose me at all. That he'd spent five years of his life in the same town as me, we both ran in same social circles, and he always knew he felt something for me...something he could not explain. but that I was out of reach. I had a bf...my college bf..whom he knew...and then suddenly I was engaged to some as he put it "carpet bagger" who said and acted just right long enough to hook me. He said he never stood a chance then. And when he saw me 2 years ago right after my D...he did not know if I was married, single, or divorced...that he asked a buddy of his at the political dinner we were at my story..he said his stomach jumped up when the guy said "well, she's single now. It's a really sad story from what I hear." He asked me out shortly thereafter. And I was so messed up from the 2 years of crap from Darth that I had my head totally up my [censored] and was not at all capable of accepting love at all...because I was at that time unable to feel period.

So he agreed again to respect my wishes, take things slow, but that he knows what he wants...and is gonna go after it (his words)...and that he'll do what I say to do, and that we will learn how to communicate better...he just asked that he wants to be my bf again. I agreed.

He is on way back 2 office again. It's right by his townhome btw. He said he called to say that he loves me. And that is enough to be said.

Maybe I am just not getting the whole way men speak vs. women speak. Have I been away from men this long that I don't get it anymore?

At least we're not broken up during Christmas.

To my friends.

Cindy: I hear ya girl. I asked him about the Tivo thing...he said "when you're in excruciating pain, on tylenol w/codeine, and you soak in a hot tub...you do not care nor remember to care about the [email]da@n[/email] Tivo." He said this...

and I repeat:

"I am old school. And it is NOT about saturdya at all. But to a man, there is SOMETHING to be said about watching the game. Really watching it. Not taping it...or waiting to see it later b/c you're friends are all watching it and you can't after the fact talk about all the plays or anyting if it's not live." He said that sometimes his buddies even call him if they're not together to talk about how great a play was or how stupid it was a call. He said this is a man thing. It was NOT saturday, but that he'd like me to go to football stuff with him sometime..maybe superbowl? And to let him just be a guy and hang with the guys...he said "trust me...I will always know you're in the room. I can't forget it." He said it sweetly.

I am thinking now that Darth has done more than screw up a marriage...he has made me turn into a woman who is hypersensitive to anyhthing that remotely screams LYING or CHEATING...and it is a total dealbreaker for me. That if I find out that is the case, I will totally lose it! I am such a calm and decent woman...but those two areas bring out the worst in me.

And we talked about that tonight. D said that he knows how darth is...and he can't wait until the time is right and he will be all the man darth can never be...and for darth to see him. I said it's not about that. He said it's not. But that it's a man thing again...And then D said that "darth must really inside be in conflict. He's gotta hate what he did. He left his family for nothing..it makes NO sense what he did. And he will trust me, not be liking me at all when he sees me...for I am the opposite to the dark side of the force (he said that laughing)...and that I can "wield a mighty lightsabre when needed". He's actually taken to calling my xh...Dork Vader. HE said he saw my xh's pic in the magazine "private clubs" and said that "wow...it's amazing he has not had a lawsuit with somebody being impaled by touching his spiky hair"...

What is wierd, is both work in upper level exec position within the financial services industry. D knows well Darth's company. He does not like his line of work..considers it risky.

We talked maybe two and a half hours. Laughed after we had the serious talk...and he told me his view of what he wants in life...what I want...how I am in NO race to achieve it though...but want to know where I stand, and that I am a simple girl..just wnat a man to have his words match his actions.

Profile is down now.

For the time being.

Can I ever find the way to figure out how to let my guard down? Am I always gonna go thru life waiting for the shoe to drop? I swear..this makes me so dislike my xh even more...for the lasting legacy he has left me. The inability to blindly trust anymore. Blind faith...what is that? I no longer have it. I so wish that I could just have the innocent vulernability I used to have before all this started...before I ever thought I would wind up a divorced mom.

Oh...and D said he wishes to if when I say so, see more of my ds..and just hang out and play with him..to let ds get used to him more gradually...and to let things go naturally..so that ds looks at him as not an outsider or somebody trying to reshape his family structure. That he could possibly hope that one day my ds might think that he was the "guy who took real time with me and was there for my family."j

I am so scared to ever think that any of this could ever be true.

I find it so hard to keep these darn antennae down. I am totally ungaurded with those in my life such as friends and family..BUT WITH MATTERS OF ROMANCE I AM VERY GUARDED...I swear, being able to let down a wall and trust is sooo hard for me!

D said it tonight. He said I am having doubts and worrying b/c I am fearful something like what happened to me could ever happen again. He said it's a valid fear. Tht many people feel that way. That he thought for a while that all women were out to manipulate him after the fiasco with his xfiancee. But that he is NOT Darth. He will NOT leave his family when he marries. And that b/c his dad died when he was younger, he knows firsthand how devastating it must be to lose a dad...to something as trivial as to an affair...he lost his dad to death..and not something his dad wanted to do. He said he can only wonder what my ds thinks really about his dad. He said his life was hard without his dad, but at least he had the peace knowing his dad was there 100 percent for him. He said that some time at some place in your life Peach...there is a crossroad. You have to decide who is gonna really win. Is it going to be you and your son? Or is it going to be Darth that wins?

Tonight I am thinking.

Well, peach, you know what I'm going to say. Yes, it is an awful legacy from Darth. But you know, it's not an entirely bad way to be.

One shouldn't trust blindly. BF (I take it the X is off?) will have to earn his way to your heart. He should know that lying and cheating are dealbreakers for you - and by gum, they should be dealbreakers for anyone.

Glad he seems on the level. And glad you know he seems on the level. Frankly, I'm kind of glad you didn't just overlook this, hope for the best, and let it slide. It would have been bad for you -- and it would have been bad for him. You both have all your cards on the table -- and isn't that what radical honesty is about?