Well, as sone of you know...this has been going on for about 22 months, multible returns from FWS...with her returning feeling of loving me, but "not the same." And then her unhappiness, so? We now was set up for our first joint MC on Jan.7th...but right now she lives hear but has'nt made love since our anniversary Oct. 14th. Says that she just can't get the same love back for me, and wants me to be happy...my heart always says hang on...but my head tells me she is right. Maybe she will never be happy?

No, you are asking about how to throw in the towel, not how to "let go."

All you need to do is to throw in towel if can't "Fight" anymore.

I know, it sounds unfeeling and harsh, but having been at several points during our recovery where I wanted to "just throw in towel" and stop trying, I know the falacy of the "seemingly easy way out."

But, it, like so many other things, is your CHOICE.

God bless.

I spoke with my Mother-in-law this morning, she seems to think that maybe W's I/C isn't that good for her from some of their talks. She also said that W always comes back due to love for me but feels that my tongue gets me into troubles cause W is so fragile that things I say are always taken the wrong way or beats her down. And yes, I'm not wanting to stop loving....it just seems the two of us never give it our all at the same time...she wants the dream also but claims to not "feel" the same for me...loves me but not enought. I need to trust in the Lord and wait for my mind to see the truth. Thanks.

Welderboy,
Part of Plan A is finding out what your wife emotional needs are, and then trying to fill those. Granted, they won't let you fill all of them, but I am sure there are some that she would allow.

Filling her emotional needs will help bring back the original feelings when she first fell in love with you.

Both of you need to fill out the emotional needs questions, and then have her fill out the lovebusters. This will give you a clue of what behaviors are destroying her love for you.
More importantly, you can start filling some of her needs.

I know this works, my xws read my en questions, and started filling some of those needs.

It made my feelings of love deepen.

It works, try it.

Yep...I know that my wife saids that I say things that put her down...but I guess I don't even think? Thanks for the imput.

Hi Welderboy!

What I have found is that the decision to let go is the hard part...after that the letting go is relatively easy.

You are not there...yet. I like that you are looking at your way of talking to her. If she feels like you are putting her down, well that is big IMO.

I shut down completely when I feel that way.

But you have been in this for such a long time that only you know what the answers might be.

Keep searching, thinking and it will come to you what to do. To let go or to keep on making the changes which you need to make in yourself. Which is a good thing and needs to be done anyway, by all of us.

Sometimes she says that maybe we been through too much to fix this....I really don't beleive that way of thinking.

Hey Weaver...you said ...I'm not there yet. What makes you say this? Cause you are right. In my heart, I truly want this to work and I love her dearly, only thing is maybe it's not me, so how much is one able to take? I want, to have trust, faith and alos give those things back to her.

Why do I know you are not ready to let go? Because you asked "how"? If you were ready to call it quits you would know and then the letting go would be easy.

I think you should work on enjoying yourself and your life again regardless of what she does or doesn't do. Begin to show that you are moving on, don't say it just do it. Keep up your best Plan A behavior such as no DJ's, no LB's, no pushiness and no clingyness...just start to get on with it.

Be lovingly indifferent towards her and respond only when she treats you well, when she doesn't don't respond, just go do something. My bet is when she sees she doesn't quite have you at her beck and call anymore she will start to change her tune a bit.

She seems like a very immature woman, and a woman like that will only respond to and respect a very strong man who knows who he is, wants and isn't going to settle for less anymore.

She knows you love her, she knows you will do anything to make this work, she knows you will take all the crap she deals out...and this is not working in your favor, it is working against you.

Be a bit mysterious and get on with things. Let her come to you now, and when she does you must keep up your own stuff and not jump every single time she says jump.

It's going to have to be about you now Welder and then she will want to be a part of Welder's life and she'll have to step up to the plate in order to do that.

I should have added that what I am talking about with "loving indifference" is detachment. It takes a certain amount of detachment to be able to love someone in a healthy way. And by loving indifference I don't mean being indifferent I mean being loving but detached enough so that you are not effected by the moodiness and lack of loving on her part. This is what healthy love is...you are still loving and not insensitive, just uneffected as much as possible when the other person is acting totally selfish and self-centered.

Part of trusting someone is knowing that they will be strong and take the reins when you are weak. For instance I trust that my BF will be true to himself, his values and what he wants in a relationship even if I flake out. This keeps me respecting him and wanting to be the best I can be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, Weaver....you're quite the helper.

Well, W seemed OK when she phoned me at work today but she isn't home yet. She said we will talk about our Christmas plans tonight....we both have family things on the "eve" and she don't want to go to my families place. I'm cool with this but hope she offers for me to spent some time that night with her family. Well....I'm doing the very best I can not to LB.