I feel sick, sick, sick to my stomach.

WH took the girls out this afternoon, and took them to his flat to meet OW.

I had specifically requested that they not meet her until after the divorce.

I am so full of rage, I don't know what to do.

They've just got back - DD5 told me straight away, but DD12 has gone out to her piano lesson, so I can't confirm anything yet. According to DD5, MIL & FIL were there too!!! I didn't know they were coming up to visit. They were there whilst WH went over my head, introducing my children to his w**re. It's another bitter betrayal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Merry Christmas to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin

I'm really, really sorry. This stinks. Your DDS exposed to the b*tch, but more importantly, your request ignored by your twit stbxWH.

I'd be interested to hear what your ILs have to say. Were they ambushed by this? Did they protest in any way?

One thing that's rocked me in the last few years is the realisation of how often people do what's easiest, rather than what's right, and how simple they find it to square self-protective behaviour with their conscience.

The fact is, at some point the girls would be likely to meet the OW anyway. This is a nightmare of conflicted loyalties for them, but you have to leave them to find their own way through the mess. For their own survival, they may have to reach a personal accommodation with the OW, and I hope that you would be supportive of that, without compromising your own assertion that infidelity is wrong.

They will cope, if you do.

TA

Been there Alphin, I can relate to the revulsion and the sense of maternal/paternal instinct to strike back to protect one's children from that horrific display of immoral role modeling.

I suggest exploring all legal means to prevent this from occurring.. Here in Canada there is/was not a thing I legally could do. I don’t know if you have discussed the A with your children yet, but if not, I suggest you do….certainly with the 12 year old. She is sophisticated enough at 12 to decide if she wants to spend any time with the HW. Do you know anyone else (e.g. clergy) that can have a word with WH? The circumstances cannot be understated regarding the influence it will have on the shaping of your children’s character. This is not acceptable.

I am so sorry Alphin,
What a bitter pill to swallow. It sounds like to me, w/s is trying to make his affair, one that is based on "love", yeah, right, (puke), and trying to make it seem legitimate, by having his parents and his children for a get together.

Don't worry Alphin, I am sure that his attempt to make his relationship seem normal, in fact, backfired. I bet you could have cut the tension with a knife.

Wouldn't you love to been a fly on the wall later in in-laws room, listening to what they thought about the situation.

"Chickenshit", is just "Chickenshit, no matter how it is presented.


Keep your chin up, and realize you are the example your children will remember years from now. You doing the right thing.

(((((Alpin)))))

Thank you.

I knew I would have to face this some day, and was prepared to do that - once we were divorced! It has been 8 1/2 months since he left - it probably seems like an eternity to him, not being able to introduce his kids to his 'soulmate'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

The girls knew about the OW anyway - he told them he had a girlfriend the day he left! DD12 is quite aware of the situation (knows it is a sexual relationship etc). I'm so angry, because I had told her that they wouldn't be meeting the OW until after we were divorced! Now I look like a liar.

Legally, there's nothing I can do. I'm actually surprised I managed to go this long without them meeting her. I guess STBX has finally taken some legal advice, and is rubbing my face in it.

I just want to move, far, far away and never see STBX or my ILs again.

Alph.

I did hope they would never meet her. I hoped the A would be over long before now.

I am afraid they will like her more than me. Actually, I don't want them to hate her - that would only make them miserable - but I am afraid that I am being replaced.

I have lost what little power I had. It was so important to me that the girls not be exposed to the OW before we were divorced - and STBX knew that. Perhaps it's something to do with the time of year - he's wanting to wrap things up for Christmas!

It is finished. This was the last hope I had, that the A would seem wrong and sordid as long as the kids didn't meet the OW. Now they have met her, with MIL & FIL present, and the A is 'offically sanctioned' and acceptable in the family's eyes.

Now I will just plough on with the divorce, and wait for STBX and OW to get married and have children of their own.

The last tie is cut.

Alph.

Been there...did that...and had the IL's enable WH too!

So much that they lied about having ow's son from previous bf with them for a day...hid the child while I was attending an easter play at my ds's school and wh attended it.

They took turns hiding the child as they offered to keep him for the day (child was four and a half).

I was sickened when I found out. Not b/c of the child, but for the lies and the propegation of lies.

You can teach yourkids right and wrong Alphin. They truly know. And your WHis teaching them the wrong part.

This is revulsion to me. I would let lawyer know immediately how xh is flaunting his affair in front of the kids...ie, damage mentally. I think that is cruel to do to kids.


It is almost 2 yrs post affair marriage now. And look where my xh and ow/w are. Two separations since summer. Three affairs since marriage. What a lovely existence they have! For what?

Your WH may have to become 1 of the sad xws here who get it too late. He may see his whole life crumble around him...let's hope he does NOT marry the w#ore.

my wh tried to pull this with me. he had her meet them all out this summer at a fishing spot. he only did it to tick me off, not for her to meet them because he wants a lasting thing or anything, just because i told him no to. well, it backfired big time on him because it effected my kids so badly they had to be put into counseling! now i have the counselor backing me that the kids are in no way ready to meet ow at all. too fragile right now. so... he messes with that i could haul him to court. he never tried it again when he realized how much it hurt them and that hurting me like that was not worth hurting them. he just finds other ways to hurt me now. but i will keep my kids away from her as long as i can. he has not pushed it, i don't think he wants them around her either, the doesn't know what he wants. mlhb

(((Alphin)))

I know how much that hurts, I am battling that reality myself. I thought I could keep the kids away from OW for a few years as she is married, but today, I hear that her H has also filed for D.

My OD has not met OW, but she already hates her. She is in counseling already. I am sure that my H will expect them to just warm up to the troll instantly. Ugghhh.

It all just really stinks. I am sorry that you are dealing with this today. ((Alphin))

My heart goes out to you, Alphin. It probably had to happen sometime but at least you could have had a chance to prepare your girls better. I'll bet you'll be doing a lot of damage control tonight.

I'm not surprised that your inlaws enabled the situation. I've already had an earful from my inlaws today on the same subject. How they have no control over their son. How they raised him to be a good, Christian boy. How they don't want to be in the middle. How it's none of their business. Yaddah, yaddah, yaddah.

If one of my kids ever puts me in this situation, I hope I have the courage to say, "I don't care if you are my child, this is a horrible, wrong thing. I will not condone it."

Can you afford a big pizza, a decent bottle of wine and a good DVD? You all deserve it.

Alphin,

I am really sorry about this.

Your girls are strong, intelligent, and intuitive. They know that what their father is doing is wrong.

You won't be replaced in your children's lives. You can't be. Trust in God on this one.

For me it was the other way around. OW was supposedly a good family friend --- D10's Godmother. She and WH used that to disguise their A --- they actually used our children as camoflage. My girls are intelligent and have good intuition, they knew what was going on and felt guilty and disloyal for being privy to a secret Papa had from Mama. Absolutely vile and disgusting. They were relieved when I forbid OW to have any contact with my children and for all the fog and spiteful acts I have since endured since then at least WH respected this.

Orchid: We understand. Not within your control though but definitely understandable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: You shouldn't fear that. Your children know you love them and are a part of you. You will never be replaced. Know they can tell you this in anger but in the long run, they will always love you as their mom. You are their only mother.


Orchid: No you haven't. Exposing one's children to the OP may actually strengthen your position. Reassure your children of your love.

What a rotten present for the WS to give to his children. Then again.....is the WS really a father? Nope, he is a WS and would risk his children's happiness for the sake of the A.


Orchid: Not finished......but a definite turning point. Even if all supported the A, you still have the highest and the best on your side (hint: That's support in addition to MB.....you know who, right?!!?!). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



Orchid: Make your decision when u r ready not when they push you. Whatever the WS and OP will have w/b fake at best. Even if they bring children into the world, it w/b sad because their children will eventually find out the family started with a lie by both parents.

You have more going for you than you realize. I know it is hard to see but the most valuable things are right there in front of you. Open your eyes, reach out your arms and hug them.

L.

Thanks Orchid. You have such a wonderful way of putting things. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just when I think that I am OK with things, and coping well, STBX knocks me down again!!

He actually sent me a TM yesterday afternoon, informing me that he had introduced OW to the girls, but I was asleep when he sent it and only just picked it up. Here's what it said.

'I have introduced the girls to OW this afternoon. DD12 is worried about your reaction. I expect you be annoyed with me but not with the girls. Actually, I have known for a long time that I could take them anywhere I wanted and I'm sick of taking them to cafes.'

WTF??? He expects me to be annoyed with him but not the girls? As if I would blame them for his rotten choices - I really hope this comes back one day to bite him on the a$$!

I am so sick of his patronising tone with me - just because he's got a Mensa IQ doesn't mean he can talk to me like this - not any more. Let his W**re take it from now on.

Grrrr.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin, my WH did exactly the same as yours, behind my back, on the twins' birthday back in Sept. They came in with presents she'd given them and told me they'd met her and her son. I felt sick inside - he dropped them at the door and didn't venture in. Coward. One of the twins put her gift in the bin and I found it the next day. She left it on top of the bin so I'd see it, bless her. It's so confusing for them.

My WH took the step because he was under a lot of pressure from OW to do so. Of course, he couldn't upset her! I don't worry that they'll like her more than me. Ours is a happy home with the dog, the parrot, the budgie and everything that is special to them. His home is her home and it is an alien place to them.

Alphin, it's one big piece of doggy do do whatever way you look at it. And I swear it's all worse because we have such high expectations for Christmas. It's all about families and righteousness and we're all fragmented through no fault of our own. The in-laws are probably messed up too. He is, after all, their son. They love him but they might not like his actions.

Keep strong girl. TT

{{{Alphin}}}

No advice, just thinking of you. Hope that today is a better day for you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Cat

In the cold light of day, I see that this is true. I don't blame them at all. In fact, knowing them as I do, I am sure that they were there to protect my DDs and smooth the process - making the best of a bad job. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I sent them an email this morning, thanking them for that, and saying I was really looking forward to spending Christmas with them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Cat, thank you. It is a much better day for me. I am blameless, my girls are OK, and STBX and OW can do what the he!! they like with each other - just as long as they don't hurt my girls.

Alph.

I've been wondering about the timing of this - is STBX stressed and unhappy that he won't be seeing the girls at Christmas?

I get a strong sense of blame and indignation from the TM he sent. It's my fault that he's been having to see them in cafes for eight months, because I'm so mean that I wouldn't let them meet OW. Oh, and BTW, he's known for ages that he could introduce them to her at any time! I guess she's really been on at him about what it makes her if I don't want my children near her! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well, I'm still going to be the one who watches them open their stockings this Christmas morning. I'm still going to be the one who eats the Christmas meal with them that HIS MOTHER has made. He can sit and get drunk with OW's fascist father on Christmas day (one of Franco's lot, you know). See how he likes that.

Alph.

[color:"purple"] blame and indignation [/color]

KEWL

Means he has to scrape the bottom of the barrel to find something to 'hate' about you! He hates you for protecting the girls from adultery.... awesome work Alph! If you'd been a "bad wife" ... believe me, he's have a litany of complaints lined up .... but THIS ??? This is a 'toast" to your good sense!

Take it as a compliment <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Alph ... remember the fantasy-world that most affair couples share...

... once the dust settles EVERYONE will be better off including Alph and the girls

... once everyone sees what a perfect match I make with OW all will be forgiven and forgotten

... once things get straightened out, there will be no hard feelings

... once OW and I marry, we will be like one big happy family and there won't be problems with money, or the kids, or the holidays ... it will all work out

... clearly this is going to make everyone around us happy as well

... our love is so strong it can overcome any issue involving other people

... children's feeling will be easily adjusted and they won't suffer at all

Thanks, Pep.

It's just so frustrating that he's still so deep in the fog - after nearly nine months!

I know it will pass eventually, and that many people here have told me he was in a particularly thick fog, but I just don't have the patience to wait any longer - I don't care, as long as my girls are ok.

I am going to have an absolute ball this Christmas, y'know? I am going to kick up my heels, wear some sexy clothes, and party like there's no tomorrow. I'm not going to go out with any men, though; I do still consider myself married, and I'm not interested in anything like a relationship. I wouldn't mind a few looking my way, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.