"I am sending you blessings this time of year and wishing you the happiest of times with your families. Aside from old, bad memories, Christmas is a stressful time of year anyway. It has a tendency to bring out the melancholy in all of us, when we least expect it, and when we least want it. There is a something about milestones and holidays that causes us to assess and examine our place in life, our relationships, and our future. We are at our most critical and sometimes depressed when our expectations are so far from where we believe we should be. It is deflating and emotionally exhausting when we are so taxed anyway to create this perfect fairytale for our wee ones. I would like to share a story with all of you ladies who are feeling sad and losing hope of change.

One of the biggest break throughs in my marriage came from me. It required no input at all from my husband who was not on board with any help for our marriage. It also happened to be just this time of year, two years ago. I'd discovered his second affair (which had actually occurred around my last pregnancy). He does have narcissitic tendencies. He did seem completely unable to change or help build this marriage, and never wanted to talk about it. I thought about divorce every single day. What I did....I didn't do for him. I did it for me. I did it because I was just so unhappy and I felt as though my life was moving past me and it was pointless and unsatifying. I was hungry for happiness.

I decided. That's it....I decided. Decided what you ask? Decided that I was finished being unhappy and that he couldn't prevent me from being happy. I decided I was more powerful than he is because my spirit was so much more alive and my heart was big enough to love him in spite of who he was....even if I that meant walking away. I didn't expect my marriage to survive at that point, but I believed that I could carry on and find happiness even if it didn't. I stopped being afraid of losing him, because to be honest with you, at that point.....he was no prize. I was getting nothing from my relationship with him.....and yet I felt panicky about losing him everyday and unwilling to risk anything because of it....the thought seemed silly to me.

This may sound impossible....but it was almost as though I flipped a switch in my brain....and said "okay, I've had enough, time to get on with it." This is the only life I get. I am unwilling to spend all of it yearning for what I don't have. I am unwilling to waste another minute of it being depressed or paralyzed. And so here is what happened.

I began to play. Just play. I played with my kids. I invited over my friends. I played in the kitchen and made wonderful food. I played outside....took golf lessons and walked up and down the mountains. I decorated my house and made mulled wine. I wrapped beautiful packages and played Christmas music. I adopted a laissez faire attitude that was just infectious and fun. It didn't affect my husband at all who was still withdrawn and who apparently didn't like it much either....at least he pretended not to. He did seem a bit curious though.

I didn't know about MB in those days, or plan A or B....I was just trying to be happy. When I look back now, I realize it was much more like Michelle Weiner Davis's 180 list....because I stopped focussing on relationships, him, and began to show a lack of dependency and more independent spirit. I didn't feel like crying everyday, and I wasn't trying to fix anything.

When the kids and I would be playing monopoly, battle, or watching some funny movie....we'd motion for him to join us...but he never would. He was a father sometimes, but we weren't a family....there was just too much bad blood, memories and old baggage. But I didn't let his withdrawal affect me or my ability to keep my own life fun and exciting.

Finally, shortly before Christmas....on a night where the children and I were laughing...and he was in his "cave"....I decided to talk to him. I don't remember exactly what I said, I do remember he was in bed...and I leaned close to him and looked right in his eyes...and it went something very similar to this:

H, I love you, in fact in the whole of your life you will never have someone love you as I have. You will never meet someone who knows you like I do. You will never meet a woman who has a better blend of intelligence and compassion than I do. You will never be this lucky again. But I don't need for you to love me. I will be happy whether you do or you don't. I will be happy whether we are married or we are not. I refuse to spend one more minute of my life pining away for you or begging you to notice me, or punishing myself for your sins. This is the only life I get, and if you never look my way again, I will still be happy. This is the only life you get too. I, the children, your family....we all love you...and we are going to have fun. We'd like you to join us, but we won't beg you to. So you decide. Jump into your life or don't....but nobody is going to wait for you anymore, because we are going to be busy having a good time.

And then I left him in his cave. He stayed there....but something changed that night in him too. It was an opening of sorts.....a lightening of the heart.....a willingness to participate that bloomed later when I did find MB. Yes....eventually it was necessary for him to get on board with things for real recovery to occur...but it began with me. It began with a willingness on my part to take a risk to be happy without him.

Please feed your spirit this Christmas and remember that this is your life too. I didn't have to go out and find comfort from someone else....what I really needed to do was learn how to comfort myself. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. And it's a place we all must find to face life with strength and spirit. We all long for strong arms around us...but there is more hope even for that, when we lighten the burden of unhappiness on our shoulders. Give your children the greatest present that you have to give....your joy.

Wishing you happiness this Christmas.

Star*Fish