Hi all,
I've been lurking for a little while, but feel I just have to post and get this off my chest. I just found out in Feb of this year that my husband was cheating on me. He didn't admit it. He just said he wanted a divorce. Out of the blue.
Things between us had been going downhill. He was never home - his job was taking him away for 5 months out of the year. And when he was home, he wasn't the loving husband he used to be. I wanted him to stop travelling, and he promised when he took the job that he would try to stop the travel. He knew I didn't want him to take that job, because I knew it would destroy us somehow. I knew that, because it destroyed my parent's marriage in the same way. He said he kept trying to stop travelling, but it didn't look likely. He travelled for 3 years.
Things between us became strained. I stayed home alone, taking care of a huge house alone, working full-time, etc. I was miserable with him gone so much. Turns out he was having an affair with the employee of a 'client' 400 miles away. This client site is where he was travelling to most of the time.
I had gotten pregnant last year, but lost the baby. He didn't talk to me for 3 days after I told him I was pregnant. He was so wrapped up in himself, he wasn't there for me. He wasn't really there for me when I miscarried. And he wasn't there for me when my father was diagnosed with cancer last year.
This Feb, he asked for the divorce. I begged him to go to counseling. I knew something was up, but he kept denying. We went to counseling, and he had some pretty strong things to say - he was relieved I miscarried, he said I treated him like crap, etc. I really had no idea where any of this came from, and I was so confused. Finally after a week I went through his work cell bills. There it all was. Hourly phonecalls and sms messages. I found out who she was, even found pictures of her on the internet. Heartbreaking.
He moved out when I confronted him. He admitted to everything, and said he was making up all those terrible things in counseling so that I would just agree to let him go. He couldn't bear me learning about his affair, as he didn't want me to think he was a tremendous piece of crap.
In the coming months, I had to drive hours every weekend to see my father in the hospital and such. Cancer was killing him slowly. When I was home, the husband and I were working on the house to sell it, so I saw him almost weekly. We spoke a lot, and he cried a lot, and kept apologizing for everything he did. But I couldn't open myself up emotionally to him at that time, with everything going on. My dad wasn't well, and I was suffering from exhaustion. We got the house ready for sale.
A month later, my dad died. The day after that, the husband asked me to call him and the realtor to put the house on the market. I lost it and yelled at him - how could he be so unfeeling? He was totally lost in himself and his life, he couldn't see what I was even going through.

So, now, the house is sold, I've moved an hour away from the husband, and I've been trying to move on with my life, but can't. I feel so stuck. I started dating a sweet guy, but I find that I just can't care for him. I think it's going to be a long time before I get over this. I keep looking for my husband. After the house was sold, the husband and I barely kept in contact. He travelled quite a bit, and I just needed some serious down-time. I call it the 'crawl into a little ball and cry my eyes out' time.

And now, it looks like he's looking for me. We've met a couple of times, and he wants to try again. I'm so confused now. I've waited so long for him to say that to me, and now that he has, I just don't know what to do. I've told him that even if I could get past the pain, mistrust, betrayal, and not treating me right, I didn't want him to have that job anymore. I told him this was like an interview process, and that I will not get involved with him if he travels. I told him to go away and figure things out. He's been seeing a counselor, who seems to be helping a bit. But he still has a lot of baggage and drama to work through. I will not be a rebound, I won't be his crutch when his job goes downhill, the other woman doesn't want him anymore, he's depressed at the holidays, etc.

A small part of me just wants to move on. But the rest of me wants to see if we can start over. This could go one of 2 ways: 1. Once a cheater, always a cheater... or 2. He realizes what a huge mistake it was, and would never take us for granted again. On my father's deathbed, he spoke his regrets to my mother (they've been divorced for 10 years) - and how he always wanted to be with her even through their cheating and difficulties. I don't want to have to wait until then. I also know some the guilt and craziness that my husband went through - as I had once cheated on a previous relationship.

Oh, he had a relationship with this woman for close to a year. And he loved her.

I'd really appreciate some words of advice or questions or answers... anything.

A little more information, how long did you date him/how long were you engaged/how long were you married? Had he ever cheated on you or others before you that you know of? Did you officially divorce? How long ago if so, or did you or he ever file? Do either of you have children from this marriage or previous relationships?

WHY does he think he cheated? Is he willing to put the necessary boundaries in place to make sure it doesn't happen again? Including recognizing the 15 steps that lead to an affair (I'll attach), marriage counseling, emotional needs work, policy of joint agreement, avoiding lovebusters, etc? Is he WILLING TO WORK AT IT?

What are your reasons for wanting to work on the marriage? Would you stay with him if you knew he would cheat again someday down the road? What if you you knew he wouldn't?

I think there's hope, but THIS is the time where you have the power to put down the conditions for the marriage, the requirements if you will; not to have the control/power, but to make the marriage a lasting one.

MSA

Anatomy of Adultery
15 Steps of Unfaithfulness

How does adultery "happen?" People don't just decide one day to hop in bed and be unfaithful to their spouse. Adultery is the culminating act of a dozen or more tiny steps of unfaithfulness. Each step in itself does not seem that serious or much beyond the previous step. Satan draws a person into adultery one tiny step at a time. And he does this over time so that our conscience is gradually seared. This makes it easier to take "just one more step" thinking such a tiny step won't hurt us.

The following "15 steps" which analyze how adultery "happens" are based on scores of interviews, counseling, and correspondence with church folk who fell into unfaithfulness. Our question: "How did this happen... what were the tiny steps which led to this mess?" While the order varied from case to case, the following is the general progression which surfaced in most incidents. This is not some sort of theoretical list. These are the actual steps taken by scores of church people who wound up committing adultery and regretting it later. Some of these people sobbed deeply as they shared, hoping that their own pain and failure might save other marriages. This information comes to you at great expense.

This chapter doesn't have any preaching or analysis... that is left to you. Here we offer you cold word-for-word quotes. You and your Sunday School class can draw out the lessons. How did these lives get ruined? How does it start?


1. Sharing Common Interests.
"We just had so much in common, it was uncanny."

"She and I both enjoyed music, and we were attracted to each other."

"He was so spiritually-minded... I'd been looking for someone to share my spiritual struggles with."

"We both loved horses, and started riding together."

"We both shared a burden for the church and especially children's work."

"She was the first woman I'd ever met who liked the outdoors, even hunting and fishing -- I was fascinated!"


2. Mentally comparing with my mate.
"My husband wasn't interested much in spiritual things, but this man knew so much about the Bible."

"She was slim, attractive, and dressed sharp -- quite a difference from my wife who didn't take care of herself much at that time."

"She was so understanding and would listen to me and my hurts -- my wife was always so busy and rushed that we didn't have the time to talk.

"My husband just would never communicate -- he'd come home from work and just sit there watching TV. I finally gave up on him. Then this man came along who was worlds apart from my husband -- he was gentile, loved to talk, and would just share little things about his life with me."


3. Meeting emotional needs.
"He understood how I was feeling and offered me the empathy I was hungering for."

"She was there when I needed her."

"My ego was so starved for affirmation that I would have taken it from anyone -- I guess that's what started the whole thing."

"No one had ever really believed in me until he came along. He encouraged me, inspired me, and believed so deeply in what I could become."

"My wife was busy with the kids and not at all involved with my work. This girl admired me and treated me like I was really somebody. It felt so good."


4. Looking forward to being together.
"I used to dread going to work, but after we started our friendship, I would wake up thinking of how I would see him later that day... it seemed to make getting up easier."

"I would think of being with her the whole time I was driving to work."

"I found myself thinking of him as I got dressed each morning, wondering how he would like a certain outfit or perfume."

"I looked forward to choir practice every week because I knew he would be there."

"Every time I drove by her house I would think of her and how we'd see each other that Sunday."


5. Tinges of dishonesty with my mate.
"When my wife would ask if she was with the group I'd pretend I couldn't remember... right there I started building a wall between us."

"I would act like I was going to practice with our ensemble, but actually I was practicing a duet with him."

"Once my wife asked about her, but I denied everything, after all, we hadn't done anything wrong yet. Now I see that this was one of those exit points where I could have come clean and got off the road I was speeding down."

"Whenever we got together as couples I would act like I didn't care about him, and afterward I would even criticize him to my husband. I guess I was trying to hide my real feelings from my husband."


6. Flirting and teasing.
"I could tell from the way she looked at me. She would gaze directly into my eyes, then furtively glance down my body then back into my eyes again -- I knew then that she was interested in more than my friendship. But, I was so flattered by her interest that I couldn't escape."

"Then we started teasing each other, often with double-meaning kind of things. Sometimes we'd tease each other even when we were together as two couples. It seemed innocent enough at first, but more and more we knew it really did mean something to us."

"We would laugh and talk about how it seemed like we were "made for each other" so much. Then we'd tease each other about what kind of husband or wife the other one would have been if we'd married each other."

"He had those killer eyes. When he'd look at me in that "special way" I would just melt. It was hopeless fighting my urges -- he had me."


7. Talking about personal matters.
"We would talk about things -- not big things, just little things which he cared about, or I was worried about."

"We'd meet together for coffee before church and just talk together."

"I was having problems with my son and she seemed to understand the whole situation so much better than anyone else I talked with. I'd tell her about the most recent blow-up and she would understand so well. We just became really deep friends -- almost soul-mates. That's what's so weird about all this -- we never intended for it to go this far."

"I had lost my Dad just before we got to know each other and he had lost his mother a few years earlier. He seemed to understand exactly what I was going through and we would talk for hours about how each of us felt."

"I was so lonely since my husband died and hungry for someone to share life with. Then he began to call just because he cared. I loved hearing his caring voice at the other end of the line, even though I knew he was married."

"We spent so much time together at work that I swear she knew more about me than my wife ever did -- or even cared to know."


8. Minor yet arousing touch, squeeze, or hug.
"He never touched me for months. Then one night after working late, we were walking toward the door when he said 'You're so special, thanks for all you do..." then he turned and hugged me tenderly, just for a second. I loved how I felt for that moment so much that I began to replay it over and over again in my mind like a videotape. Now I know that I should have stopped it all right then. I never intended to ruin my family like this."

"She was always hanging around our house and was my wife's best friend. Often she would stay late to watch TV, even after my wife went to bed. She would sit beside me on the couch and I was drawn to her like the song says... like a moth to the flame."

"He would often pat me on the shoulder -- you know, in appreciation for a good job I'd done. But I knew it meant more than that."

"The first time she touched me was when we were doing registration together. We were sitting beside each other. I'd say something cute or funny and she would giggle, then under the table she'd squeeze the top of my leg with her hand. That was really exciting to me."

"Every time she shook hands with me at the door she seemed to linger, sort of holding my hand more than shaking it. No one else would notice, but I knew there was more to her touch than appeared to the eyes. She knew too."


9. Special notes or gifts.
"He would write these little encouraging notes and leave them in my desk, pocketbook, or taped to my computer. They didn't say anything which could be traced. If anyone found them they wouldn't suspect anything. But we both knew what was going on, we just didn't want to stop yet."

"I would sometimes call him and leave a short message on his answering machine. He would leave little notes in my Bible."

"He would buy me a little gift -- not that expensive, but it always showed he had taken extra thought to get exactly what I liked. Of course everyone else thought he was just being a good boss."

"She started leaving unsigned notes to me in my desk sharing her feelings for me. It scared me at first, because I thought someone would find one. But after a while I found myself looking forward to the next one, even though I knew the risk."


10. Inventing excuses to call or meet.
"I started figuring out ways I could drop off something at her house when her husband was gone. He and I knew each other and I would always return borrowed tools in the afternoon when I knew she'd be there alone."

"I would wait until the end of the workday then I'd call him just before closing time about something I'd made up as a 'business question' and we'd talk."

"The more entangled we got, the more I planned times where he and I could practice together. We started meeting more often."

"She started arranging her schedule so that her husband dropped her off at committee meetings. I would hang around and offer to take her home, acting with as much nonchalance as I could muster up."


11. Arranging secret meetings.
"By now we both were so far gone that we started meeting secretly at the mall parking lot. It know now how foolish this was, but I was driven by something other than good sense at that time."

"We started arranging to work evenings on the same nights, then we would leave early and meet each other in the dark parking lot."

"I started making sure he knew my travel schedule so we could attend the same conferences. We still weren't involved physically at that time, but there was such excitement and romance to it all... even the secrecy seemed to make it more exciting."

"She would sometimes call me just before lunch and we'd sneak through a drive-up together, and then spend the rest of my lunch hour talking quietly to each other."


12. Deceit and cover ups.
"Once we were meeting secretly I had to invent all kinds of stories about where I'd been to satisfy my wife. By now I had built a towering wall of dishonesty between us."

"Pretty soon my whole life was full of lies. I'd lie about where I was going, where I'd been, and who I'd been with. The more suspicious my husband got, the better liar I became. But he knew something was going on. It's hard to lie without people suspecting it."

"I joined several groups so that I would have an excuse to be away in the evenings."

"She would ask when I'd gotten off work. I'd simply lie about it, and she never knew what hit her. How can I ever regain her trust now?"

"We agreed that if anyone saw us driving around we would both tell the same story: that my car wouldn't start, he stopped to help, an we were going together to get a new fuse to replace the broken one he'd discovered."

"By now my whole life was a lie, so I began telling them regularly to cover up our little meetings."


13. Kissing and embracing.
"The whole thing seemed so exciting by now. I was such a fool. We were meeting secretly and both of us were fearful of being caught. But that only seemed to increase our common ground. When we'd meet, we would embrace as if we'd not been together for years -- like in the movies when someone comes home from the war."

"Once we started meeting secretly the end came fast. We kissed and hugged like two teenagers going parking for their first time."

"It just felt so good to be hugged and loved by somebody who really cared about me."


14. Petting and high indiscretion.
"At this point my glands took over. I forgot reason altogether and was willing to risk everything for more."

"It was like I was a teenager again -- going too far, then repenting and promising to do better; then just as quick I was hungrily seeking more sin."

"When my husband and I were dating we struggled with 'how far to go.' Well, here I was again struggling over the same issue. Friendship with this guy didn't seem so wrong. But now were we're going further than I ever intended. But, I felt curiously justified going exactly as far as I had with my husband when had been dating. In a way, I think some of my resentment against my husband's constant pressure on me started coming out. I'm not saying that it wasn't wrong. Just that I kind of felt justified."

"At about this time I began fooling myself into thinking I was heroic for not going "all the way." That's what I wanted to do. But by doing "everything but" I fooled myself into thinking I was successfully resisting temptation. What I didn't realize was that, not only was what I was doing wrong, but that eventually I would take the next step. It's just not possible to freeze a relationship -- you have to go ahead with it, or break it off totally."


15. Sexual intercourse.
"Soon I quit resisting and was swept into outright adultery."

"One thing led to another and finally we ended up in bed with each other."

"Though we never intended it to go that far, we eventually went all the way and had sex."

"One night we couldn't seem to stop ourselves (at least we didn't want to) so I completed my journey of unfaithfulness to my husband -- I had sex with this man."

We started dating in 1998, got engaged 1.5 years later in 1999, and married the middle of 2000. We haven't filed separation papers or divorce papers. We have no children. We're living separately. As far as I know, he's never cheated on me before.

He said he's been evaluating where everything went wrong. He said part of it was just self-destructive behavior, and has exhibited that behavior in the past (prior to meeting me). It sounds like some of it was also peer-pressure - he worked with a lot of men who used to tease him because he used to just want to come home and spend time with me, and not hang out with the guys. He said at some point, he found he started blaming me for him not going out with the guys, and started making me out to be the 'bad-guy'. He said that in his mind, he started twisting things around and blaming me for his own actions and decisions. He also worked very closely with several guys who were miserable in their relationships, and I think hearing about that all the time probably somehow rubbed off on him. I know I'm not completely innocent in all of this, and I have a strong personality, but I always tried to be supportive of everything he wanted - buying a pickup truck, then a motorcycle, all the tools he ever wanted - but I couldn't take care of the house on my own, and I asked him to stop travelling all the time. He kept promising he would stop travelling. He says he realized that I had never changed, my personality was always the same towards him, and that all I ever did was just love him. He said he lost his ability to be understanding about me and what I wanted out of life. He was escaping. He said his selfishness took over. He started working closely with a woman over a period of months and months, and that's how it all started. She gave him excitement without commitment and responsibility. He just kept saying 'I didn't realize we'd have to work at it.'

As for him being willing to work at it, I don't know yet. I gave him my list of demands, and told him to make sure that he could meet all of them. No travelling, cutting ties with the other woman, stopping the online porn (he started getting addicted to that), honesty, etc. If he comes back and agrees to all of that and more, I'll be surprised.

As for why I want to work on this marriage - I still love him. I know it sounds very cliche and corny, but we used to have such a strong connection and bond. We loved each other so completely. I've been in several serious relationships (married once before, several serious dating relationships), and never have I found the closeness, friendship or love that I found with him. I'm hoping that we can have that again.

Would I stay with him if I knew for certain he'd cheat on me again? That's a tough question. Finding out this time was devastating. But then again, I also had a double-whammy with my father and his sickness/death at the same exact time. I just don't know that I can answer that.
If I knew for certain that he would NOT cheat again, then yes I think I'd try to start a relationship with him again.

Thank you for responding and for the article. I'm sure it's 'right on the money' and if the husband reads it, it'll speak volumes to him.

You mentioned that you cheated before, do you also see in the 15 steps how one thing led to another? You and your H would need to decide and agree on which step you get to before you confide that with the other. But let's not get ahead of ourselves...

So when is he going to let you know if he is ready & willing to meed the demands of your list?

I had cheated once (about 10 years ago) in a previous relationship - but it was after hearing about his affairs. But I absolutely see and understand the flow of those 15 steps. I think that's why I'm not so quick to just kick him to the curb, although I'm sure all of my family thinks I should.

He's travelling for the next 2 weeks for vacation, and we're going to meet soon after the new year. He's been travelling for work very often, but as soon as he gets into town, he always wants to meet me immediately.

May I ask how old you are? I ask because you are (I believe) in the position of being "young yet" - and needing to decide who you want to have a family with... is he the one?? Obviously you thought so at one point, but knowing what you know now, do you still feel that way?

I'm 35. And I just don't know now if I want a family or not. I'm coming to grips with a few things, and I'm not sure if I'm mentally prepared to give up everything for a family. That's another item on my list of demands to the husband, that he be open to having a family. Originally, he was very excited about having a family. He used to tell me he was looking forward to it. Then when the affair came around, he changed his tune. These past weeks, though, he's told me that he's working through some emotional issues regarding having children, and he said he's not yet ready to tell me everything about that just yet.

Is he the one? He sure as heck was before. But I can't say right now that I'd want to have children with him unless we get to that point in our relationship again.