I have not posted here for a while but have continued to follow many of those here still struggling to find recovery or at least some peace in their relationship. Everyday I pray for all couples whose marriage has endured the trauma of an affair. Through our recovery I have made some observations that I hope will help some who are still struggling with the decision of whether to try and salvage their marriage.

Today is our 18th wedding anniversary. D-Day was more than 4 months ago. The AE more than 10 years ago. I know now that our marriage will make it long term and that we enjoy an intimacy in our relationship that neither of us felt possible prior to D-day. We renewed our vows yesterday with a priest who has guided me through this process. It was a beautiful thing that happened. No pomp and circumstance, worrying about details, etc. just my FWW and myself before God making the committment to each other that should have been made long ago.

To say the least, our recovery which has likely been much easier than most due to not having to deal with the fog issues and a substantial lapse of time between the active A and contact with the OM, has still been a rollercoaster. We have had issues to deal with that haven't been easy but the difference is that both of us have changed and due in large part to MB principles and the guidance of many of you here, our IC/MC's, and our priest we have grown not only as a couple in our ability to deal with any issue that faces our marriage but in our relationship with God.

Here are the things that I know now that I wish that I would have known before the A:

1) MB principles work and if applied properly by both partners in the M can result in the type of marriage that God envisioned with this sacrement.

2) There is no room for any dishonesty in a M. Dishonesty is the cancer that can eat away at the marital bonds and is a critical component of an A. Without dishonesty in a marriage, it is impossible for an A to continue. With radical honesty in a marriage temptation to enter into an inappropriate relationship with someone of the opposite sex is impossible, therefore an A is impossible.

3) There is never an excuse for an A. There are many reasons, but none are valid. As said very eloquently in the movie "Closer", "There is always a moment when you could have said No." The WS makes a critical mistake in judgement at that moment that forever affects the lives of everyone in their sphere...spouse, children, other family members, friends, OP, OPS and children, the list goes on and on. Once that moment has passed, it can never be taken back.

4) The WS is responsible for the A and must take that responsibility prior to beginning a true recovery. Both are responsible for the environment in the M that allowed the A to occur. In recovery, both must find ways to become a better spouse for the other and indentify and meet thier spouses most important EN's.

5) The truth will set you free. Dishonesty creates barriers in the marital relationship that does not permit true intimacy even if the affair is long over. You cannot have an A, even a ONS and then just move on. By making the choice to have that affair, you have brought others into your marital relationship. There is only room for two. Even if the A is not discovered by the BS, the compartmentilization required for the WS to keep this secret prevents the M from progressing.

6) The WS rewrites marital history during the A but often rewrites the A history after AE. Society fortunately still does not look kindly on adulterers even though Hollywood would have you believe otherwise. The WS has to go through tremendous shame and guilt even after D-day and they have been forgiven by the BS and God. Rewriting of the A history is a survival tactic by the WS, not necessarily lack of committment to radical honesty by the WS.

7) Fog impacts the WS during the A and during withdrawal. The fog is just as thick sometimes for the BS during early recovery. The fog for the BS takes many forms including but not limited to denial, resentment, hate, etc. The fog is a roadblock to recovery for both.

8) Resentment and anger are logical feelings for the BS but counterproductive long term. The BS has to understand these feelings in order to move forward in recovery. Sometimes what we honestly feel our are true feelings are really our subconscious masking other feelings. Is the resentment that we feel really envy (it was her/him instead of me?). RH requires that we acknowledge the real feelings that we have, accept and forgive, and look to the future instead of dwelling on the past.

9) All of us have the propensity to engage in an A. For each of us on this forum, one chose to allow that propensity and the other stayed committed to the original vows despite the propensity and probably even when the opportunity presented itself. Why did one make the right choice and the other one the wrong choice? Who knows other than God. The most important thing is that the one who made the wrong choice, nonetheless made a choice. They own that choice and must accept whatever consequences are endured to that choice. However, if the BS tries to take a moral high ground and point fingers at the other spouse (i.e. disrespectful judgements) over the long term, it is unlikely that a recovery will be possible.

9) Acceptance is the first step towards forgiveness. As Jesus said " Let thee who is without sin, cast the first stone." Once the BS has accepted what has happened, only then can they work on forgiving their WS. The WS only has to ask God and be repentant to be forgiven by God. But we are humans, not deity and forgiveness is much more difficult for us. Through forgiveness, we are rewarded in many ways including our own redemption.

10) Most marriages won't end because of an A. No marriage can survive the continued secrecy, compartmentalization and dishonesty that an A thrives in. The choice to salvage and rebuild a marriage post-affair is the choice of the BS. Sometimes the marriage does not survive. This can be a result of many things including continued actions of the WS or the BS just not being able to overcome the challenges presented by the A. If the marriage does not survive, the BS remains blameless. They are entitled to find happiness in their life however they chose, either with or without the WS. The decision to stay or leave the marriage is the only choice that the BS had with regard to the A. They and they alone are entitled to make that choice based on their individual circumstances and desires.

11) Affairs change everyone involved. Sometimes the changes are good, sometimes they are bad but permanent change in all involved BS, WS, OP, DC is inevitable. The decision to recommit to the marriage and apply marriage building principles including meeting EN's, POJA, and RH can allow true intimacy between the partners. Affairs, even when both believe they love each other are empty promises created in a fantasyland and doomed for failure. I successful marriage, including a rebuilt marriage after an A is one where two people truly become one, lasts through eternity and have rewards in excess of the substantial committment of efforts and time required by both parties.

12) As natural as it is for the BS to hate, degrade, resent the OP, we must remember that our FWS was also an OP to someone else. All the pain and hurt that the OP caused us, our FWS caused the same for someone else. God asks us to exchange the rage, hate and resentment with compassion. Again we are just human and this is difficult. But continued focus on the OP takes energy that could be productively used in rebuilding our relationship with our spouse or rebuilding our individual lives if we chose to move on without our WS.

There are obviously many more "truths" regarding affairs and recovery that I did not cover. There are many here who through their own experiences can share. I am grateful to all those who have helped me through my experience on this discussion board. This board is a great supplement to good individual and marriage counseling. It is a poor replacement for professional counseling.

I hope my listing of observations will help some of you who are struggling with recovery and know that all long as there is the will to fight for the marriage, there is hope. Each BS is a better person for dealing with the grief over the loss of innocence in our marriage and through implementing a Plan A with our WS, we become a better person who can contribute substantially more to our relationship with others regardless of whether our marriage survives or not.

Excellent summary and congratulations on your renewed vows. May you have a happy marriage.

L.

From your lips to God's ears.

Happy Anniversary and Congrats to both of you.

Mr. Wondering

NT,
Good post. I wondered if you were still around because I wanted to thank you for responding to many of my early posts. You have helped me (and by proxy, my husband) a lot. Bless you.
--SC

SC:

I hope things are progressing for you. I have thought of you both many times and always include you in my prayers.

NT

Thank you so much. I wish I could show this to WS. My heart is breaking and this time all of this time I have is so hard.

Thank you for this post. Seeing successes here is so helpful to all of us struggling. You are truly inspiring.

Lost:

I am glad that this served as an inspiration. I had many through my process on this board most notably Mr. Wondering and Mortarman.

I don't know why that some of us are lucky/unlucky enough to salvage our marriage when others are not. I don't pretend to be an expert in these matters. On the contrary, I wish I didn't know anything about surviving an affair,etc. I know that it was the most difficult thing that I have ever had to endure. I can only believe that God had a plan for me to grow in my relationship with him regardless of whether my M could be saved or not.

I wish you the best. I know from my own experience and others on this board that regardless of the ultimate outcome of your R, you will survive and be a better person because of how you responded to this horrendous chapter in your life. The chapter doesn't ever change, but future chapters can and do change in response to your bravery in conquering the demons that have been unleased upon you. Those chapters may or may not include your WS, but you will reap the rewards of fighting this battle, taking care of yourself and your children and maybe even reclaiming your WS from the jaws of the aliens that have overcome him.