We had a talk yesterday so I could understand why he is so resistant to putting effort into our marriage. He said last week that he doesn't think anything he does will make a difference and I have been thinking a lot about that and trying to figure out where he came up with that idea. He said he feels that I expect 100% perfection which is impossible before he will see any results. He also is very offended by any list making or record keeping. I don't know where to go from here. I will ask Dr Harley this morning.

You would have to read some of my other posts to get a fuller picture of what all is going on but most people have told me he is not interested in a marriage relationship, he just wants a maid, babysitter, and ******. That is my feeling too realy. He will say he is a nice guy and why don't I realize how nice. I tryed plan A for a year. He came kicking and screaming into recovery. By Aug. I was exausted and ready for a divorce. The only reason I stayed was because my pastor felt like he could help and then Dr. Harley offered to help. We haven't made love since Aug. I woun't do it again till I feel loved. He was furious when I first refused him. He said he wouldn't have another affair because that was too much effort and too easy to detect, but he would get sex. He said he would just hire someone. That made me want to do it with him! He doesn't want a divorce because that would be too expensive for him. He has put a little effort into our marriage. He has always felt like he is a catch and why don't I realize it. This is what I am expecting from him. 1. There are 7 items on my list of affectionate behaviors that I want him to learn to do consistantly. Four months ago he wasn't doing any of them. He can do two pretty consistantly now. 2. I expect him to take a lie detector test to see if he has hired someone. 3. We will work through the Woman's Orgasm book to make the experience enjoyable for me and not a nightmare.

Any thoughts on addressing both of our needs at the same time.

My H will not discuss anything. He only says nothing happened. He will not help get over his A. By helping I mean working with me to give me the reassurance that this is really over. He has never talked about his A. This is not something we can do by just ourselves -it must be a joint effort.
I do not think a lie detector test is needed what is needed is the honesty in all things. As far as the sex stuff he should be more than willing to read the book and work on things.

Dr. Harley said it is time to start the process for a separation. I don't want a divorce but I can't leave things the same. My pastor gave me the go ahead. Four months ago he told me to wait. I've made the apointment with an attourney. It's not till Jan. 11 but I've waited this long so I can wait till then. This gives me more time to get my thoughts together. I just have to keep from blurting anything out because this may get realy ugly. Have you got your apt. with an attourney yet realtor? You would think that since he had the affair and he definitely doesn't want a divorce either he would be bending over backward tomake me happy. Instead he has balked at every request I have made even to just read the sex book. He did eventually skim through it while he watched tv. Then when we tried the first excercise it went very badly. Total honesty sounds wonderful and is my second high need but I dont see it happening any more than you do and believe me its absence destroyes something in me. He even admitted that he has a habit of lying even about unimportant things but doesent see that as a big deal. I was willing to put the honesty lesson on hold for the future and focus on affection because I thought it would be easier for him.