It has been 4 months since I have disclosed having an A. We have been to counseling together and seperate! Some day's things seem to be going OK and other days are pure ******! I know I have done a very terrible thing. However my W keeps pushing for details VERY SPECIFIC DETAILS! Should I avoid these. I feel when I do disclose some small details it sets us back for days. When I tell her that I don't want to discuss details she holds that against me as well. I make a huge effort not to compare my W to the A, but I sometimes feel my W wants to hear the comparisons. I know this will upset her. I feel like I'm in a rock and a hard place, to tell or not to tell.
I HAVE BEEN GLASS!! AS SEE THROUGH AS ONE PERSON CAN GET! However if I leave for work 5 minutes early to set up a new uniform I get crucified. I have never in my life had to justify my whereabouts! I AM DOING IT NOW AND DOING MY BEST AT IT! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE MORE GLASS THAN I ALREADY AM.
Last thought I have and I'll let you go! I feel like the fight has been taken right out of me. DOES THE LOSER FEELING EVER GO AWAY. I JUST WANT TO BE STRONG AGAIN. I have my doubts if our relationship will work no matter how hard I/WE try. I HATE THOSE THOUGHTS!! If I'm being selfish and need to suck it up just say SO!

Bum, you give her the details she requests period. She knows what she needs and yes it will hurt but by you witholding details you are keeping her from trusting you again.

Answer any questions she asks, but do NOT volunteer information beyond her questions. That does not mean leave out details or information pertaining to her questions, just don't offer beyond what she asks. If she wants to know other details she will ask.

Be prepared to be asked questions for a very long time. Some questions may not make sense, but to her that is what she needs to help put her back on track. I stopped asking my FWW questions because I think I have what I need to move on. That doesn't mean that I still don't have some questions.

As for questions that may compare her against the OW... don't go there. She wants to think that everything about her is better than the OW. She is fragile right now, so don't let her hear anything to bring her down further.

Bum -if only my H would be honest with me. He told me to GEt OVEr It. So I am now getting over him and his lies and deceit. so sad as we have a great M before this OW.

Bum, think of your marriage (affair) as an infection. You have to clean out the pus and guck, before the healing can begin.

Be brave, and get it over all at once. Then you are only dealing with the emotions one time, not dragging it out for months or years, to be revealed, causing recovery to go backwards with each revelation.

Best of luck,

K.D.'s Heartbreak

She might ask you the same question more than once. Answer it truthfully every time. It builds trust.

If she asks, she has a need to know. You don't see the need, you were there, you know. She wasn't there, and not knowing is like you are keeping an important secret about your marriage from her.

My husband said, and Uzzah backed this up in one of his posts, that by not telling me is protecting me. In reality, he is protecting himself.

I finally expained it to him in this way: I have a very active and vivid imagination. I have already imagined the worst, anything you tell me is going to pale in comparison. When you answer me truthfully, it isusually a relief as it is no where as bad as I imagined it.

You say you are being glass. Good. Keep at it The more times she checks up on you and you are doing exactly as you said, the more her trusts builds. If you start shutting down, asking for privacy, she is goingto doubt and the trust will be be destroyed.

It takes a long time.

It has been 4 months since I have disclosed having an A.

how long was the affair?

However my W keeps pushing for details VERY SPECIFIC DETAILS! Should I avoid these.

No avoiding, if you want to save your marriage, it will be saved by honesty and dilligent hard work

I feel when I do disclose some small details it sets us back for days.

yep .... each detail is a fresh wound ... but it must be done

When I tell her that I don't want to discuss details she holds that against me as well.

I would too ... because that means OW and YOU have secrets between the two of you that your WIFE is not privy to ... and THAT is a much worse wound ... knowing YOU and OW share secrets. NO MORE secrecy about the affair!.

I make a huge effort not to compare my W to the A, but I sometimes feel my W wants to hear the comparisons.

Well .... there were comparisons being made DURING the SECRECY of the affair ... let's be honest ... If your W had an affair, you'd want to make some "comparisons" yourownself ...

I know this will upset her. I feel like I'm in a rock and a hard place, to tell or not to tell.

Be gently honest ... not kindly dishonest. Honesty strengthens your position, the other way (dishonesty) weakens your marriage.


I HAVE BEEN GLASS!! AS SEE THROUGH AS ONE PERSON CAN GET! However if I leave for work 5 minutes early to set up a new uniform I get crucified.

Believe me, your wife is not happily making you miserable .... you brought your wife to this party .... now see it through to the repair stage.

I have never in my life had to justify my whereabouts! I AM DOING IT NOW AND DOING MY BEST AT IT! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE MORE GLASS THAN I ALREADY AM.

You are still in your marriage by the grace of your wife's remaining love for you ... YOUR job right now, is to please her and be honest with her and to crawl towards your wife over shards of broken glass on bare knees showing an attitude of gratitude and humility.


I feel like the fight has been taken right out of me. DOES THE LOSER FEELING EVER GO AWAY. I JUST WANT TO BE STRONG AGAIN.

Yes, your self respect will return when your character automatically decides to do what is honest, morally upstanding, and loving. You have no respect for yourself right now because it has not been earned. So earn it, by virtue of excellent marriage repair efforts!

I have my doubts if our relationship will work no matter how hard I/WE try. I HATE THOSE THOUGHTS!! If I'm being selfish and need to suck it up just say SO!

Suck it up.

Be a MAN

You own this mess ... so stay strong even when it is easier to cut and run.

Read up on Giver and Taker .... located on the site's concepts area.

Right now, your Taker is trying to take over ... as he did during your affair ... "What about me? What can I get? Why do I need to work so hard? I'm hurting too."

For now, your Giver is going to save your marriage... allow your Giver to speak more loudly than your Taker .... for another 2-3 months.

I posted on your first thread.

Pep and the others here are giving you solid advise.

Listen to them.

DON'T give up. There are hard times ahead for awhile but you CAN get through this. Remember what I posted to you about honesty?