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Joined: Dec 2005
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ALTACE Offline OP
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I found this old topic through some searching. It is of a lady with the ID of SKM. Her BH chose to not expose his cherished wife to anyone.
She had a repentant heart and they had a happy ending including a baby the following year or so after DD.
"Just Learning" was an instrumental help in the recovery of their marriage.
Their restored marriage without exposure is my HOPE
for my WW that is now in no contact(I hope)
She is having symptoms of withdrawal from the OM.

Take the time to click on and read this SKM thread.

http://
[url=http://www.marriagebui...ders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_

topic;f=31;t=002290#000000.[/url]


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ALTACE Offline OP
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A quote from SKM. (I surely do admire this former wandering wife.)

"So, no WS should give up on themselves or there marriage. Sometimes, though it's hard to stay on the right track. The only way I stayed on track was because of the encouragement I got on this site, and the unconditional support of my H.

Anyway, good luck to you. The one piece of advice that I got from Just Learning that was really helpful was "you are a good person who happened to do something wrong."

I read a book one time and the author said: Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you get through it. For me, and you see it in the news all the time, that bad things can happen to good people. And, also, good people can do some pretty bad things. But HOW you get through things is more important. I'm not a better person for having an affair. But, I am a better person for holding on to my marriage, and for recognizing that I was the one that messed up, not blaming anyone else for my actions, and believing that I could be a better person. "

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I don't understand what this has to do with exposure. Can you elaborate?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ALTACE,

I didn't expose my FWW either though I wish I had told her parents and OM's parents (whom the 36 year manboy was living with at the time) during the affair. I found this site 3 weeks after D-Day and they broke up 6 weeks after D-Day so I never got around to exposing the affair while it was occuring and once it ended there was no reason to. The main reason I didn't expose was I failed to post and ask questions. I thought I could use my own judgement (with God's help) and work it out. I avoided exposure threads as not pertaining to me and messed up. Luckily it worked out.

My FWW did tell her mother just before it ended and thought she could get her mom on board but her mom really stuck up for me and our marriage.

We have since discussed our recovery with some married friends to assist and prompt them to recommit to their marriages BEFORE problems occur.

My parents, brothers and sisters have no idea. I am thankful I never had to tell them as they would have made being recovered a lot more uncomfortable for my wife. It was a fortunate mistake in hindsight though it would have ended the affair sooner and saved me a lot of pain. By gones.

Mr. Wondering


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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ALTACE Offline OP
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I cannot find the post where SKM said her husband protected her reputation and did not tell others. (He knew everything, just her and him.) She wrote many posts; Just Learning might be able to share with us how and why he did not expose.
I want to be that kind of hero for my wife.
I understand having to tell parents and the OM's wife if the affair continues but THANK GOD the EA and PA affair has stopped without having to expose. (The OM in this case is not married.)

Another favorite post of mine from SKM:
(I printed it for my wife to read, she didn't say much after reading it but I know it helped her to know someone else has been though a similar problem.)

"SKM 2
Junior Member
Member # 32463

Icon 1 posted January 13, 2004 01:02 PM Profile for SKM 2 Edit/Delete Post logsec1 -

Hi, I know you don't know me. I used to post here about four years ago, and I don't visit much anymore. In my case, I am the "Former" WS (saying that always made me feel like some sad, former prom queen whose lost the shine on her tiara), but anyway. . .I had an EA/PA - from November 1999 to April 2000 (I like to think my worst mistake was somehow caused by Y2K).

Anyway, I don't know your story, but I am very glad you told your wife about the call and didn't try to "trap her." The first few months of recovery are critical - at least they were for me and my H.

In my situation, I couldn't take the lying and cheating. I didn't hold out much ohope of my marriage surviving, but I knew I couldn't lie to my husband anymore. . .despite the many flaws in my character at that time, the lying was eating me up inside. So, I confessed everything to him. At the time of the first confession, I didn't know about this site, made many, many mistakes and ended up back with the OM for another month or so.

Again, couldn't take the lying and deciet, told my husband again, and was floored when he decided to give me, not just a second chance, but a third chance.

Anyway, at the second confession, I was trying to find out why I had the affair, how I could get past all of this (with my marriage intact), and how I could have had an affair at all. So, I did a lot of reading on this site and read some of the HArley's books.

I sent the no contact letter, and it was pretty clear I didn't want to hear from the OM. Despite that, the OM kept trying to contact me. He would call me at work. Email me at work. Yadda, yadda.
His contact was sporadic but it went on for several more months. It was very strange. For a while I thought he was following me, all kinds of crazy stuff.

So, I'll stop rambling and get to the point. For me, the best thing my H and I both did was 100% no contact. It was hard at first (my h wanted to beat the guy up, and he doesn't get riled up very often.) My problem, was that the OM just didn't get the point of no contact. . .

My H never offered to call the guy or anything like that, but that would have scared the beejesus out of him, but we decided to write a second no contact letter - again - together. In that one (which was probably six months into recovery), I told the OM (who erroenously thought we could "just be friends") that we crossed the line, I hurt a lot of people, and that every time he contacted me it reminded me of the worst mistake I had ever made in my life and that I was having a hard time living with that mistake and that he needed to leave me and my H alone.

And, it worked for me. Thank God. I haven't heard from the OM since that letter which was sent - gosh, over two years ago. (AS my H and I have gone along in recovery, the dates and everything else get very fuzzy. . .which is a good thing. In recovery, I felt very much like an alcoholic - every minute, then every day, then every week, then every month, and now I'm up to every year was difficult. But over time, you forget the minor details. We will never forget what happened. I will never forget how much pain I caused my H, and I WILL regret it for the rest of my life, but I've also learned that I need to forgive myself, too, otherwise, I'm no better than a WS still in the mist of an A.

Okay, again, I apologize for rambling. . .

As for the OM's message, what ever you and your wife decided to do, do it TOGETHER. If she says she would like for you to call him to tell him to stop, then do it, immediately. If she just wants to drop it, talk about it and have her come up with ways of preventing his contacting her in the future. Explain to her that you do not like getting these messages, that it hurts you to think the OM could be contacting her in other ways, and let her come up with the ways she can help (i.e., changing phone numbers, emails, etc.)

The biggest thing that helped my H and I was a simple agreement that I would let him know every time the OM contacted me, and I stuck to it - believe it or not.

Good luck, but whatever you decide, do it together, talk it out and BE HONEST with her and yourself. [Smile] "

Last edited by ALTACE; 12/20/05 10:37 AM.

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