I was advised to post this here.....
I have been married for 12 years to my college sweetheart. During our time together in college we had pre-marital sex and I shared the details with my best friend there on multiple occasions. My best friend married my wifes best friend and we have all remained in contact with each other over the years although we live in different states. We have gotten our families together several times as well as several occasions he personally has visited on weekends to play, golf, softball tourneys etc.
During my engagement in college, my wife revealed to me that she had a one night fling with my best friend the OM when we were broken up and it was sexual. Although I was disappointed and hurt, I loved my wife and didn't let that interfere with plans since it was during a time that we were split.
Early in our marriage, I was very affectionate and showed my love to her always but soon after I developed a video game and porn addiction that slowly pulled me out of the marriage and left my wife with the impression that I didn't love her. My wife repeatedly found out about my addiction and confronted me several times over the years but in time, when I felt it was safe, I returned to this terrible problem. She cried out to me many times longing for affection and touching but my dullened state kept me from expressing the love I felt down deep.
I recently hit bottom with my own depression, which I admit is due to video games and porn (Can't compete with fantasy) and confessed my problems to my wife making her my accountability partner, telling her I cannot be trusted with a computer, and throwing away all games I had purchsed. I came home from work one night, held her face, looke her in the eye and said I...Love...You! Then, I need help. At first her thoughts were, I can't believe this, who is this guy? She has loved me but after years of this, I understand her heart growing hard towards me.
After hours of discussion about my problem, I recalled an arguement she an I had about three years ago when she said She felt I didn't love her but others were saying she is beautiful. At the time, I thought she was just trying to get a rise out of me (again the dullened state) and chalked it up as nothing. So, I now asked her if that was true and she said yes and she doesn't want to talk anymore because she is afraid it would have to end. At this point, my life felt like it had been crushed. I couldn't believe these words were coming from her. I had her on such a pillar. She wouldn't say who it was but his name hit my head, I spoke it to her and she couldn't deny it and admitted the whole affair.
It started eight years ago (4 years into our marriage) whith phone calls developing a friendship. During one phone call, he asked her if she wver told me that they talked, she said no and they both agreed their spouses wouldn't understand this friendship they had. Soon after, he took it to graphic phone calls and for years they had phone sex and she was being fed emotionally by his want/desire for her. I travelled a lot with my job which added to her feeling of lonliness and allowed much time for this activity to happen. Also, if he did call and I would answer, he would act as if he called me.
During a few family visits, they would meet each other privately in the hall for some quick intense passionate kissing but nothing beyond that. Until last year, year 6 of their relationship, he came to my house while on a visit to my city and when I was away on a business trip. The affair went to a completely different level and became intensely physical. My wife was really disappointed and cried after he didn't call her back the next day. As a matter of fact they only had one awkward phone conversation soon after and didn't speak for another year until he arrived in town again and called her up for another quick visit to meet his physical needs. He didn't call after that.
As my wife and I talked through this, I explained to her that he also has a porn issue (I have seen him engage several times) and began getting her to understand that he is simply a predator and cares nothing for her. She quickly agreed and we are communicating at a high level, praying together like never before and engaging in each other. Life now seems to be better than ever. I know it is for me.
I truely, deeply love her and understand my contributions to her actions although that doesn't excuse them. I tell her often now when I am struggling with desires to retreat into my fantasy world and she helps me overcome...that is the biggest help...she is a good friend there. I cannot understand though how she can have this long relationship one day and then the next, no desire to go back, no thinking of him and how good he made her feel for all those years or have any need for what filled that hole. After an eight year relationship, I would think there would be some difficulty dropping it. I am not sure if I should be worried about that or not.
My biggest question at this time is do I tell or force the OM to tell his wife? I want him to because I need him to be healed so he doesn't attempt to pray on my wife any longer. She says she has no desire for that, but everything just happened. She may be OK now, but how about in a year or two or 5? Due to the family friendship, my wife just wants to drop it because she doesn't want to face her former best friends disappointment. I have confronted him on the phone about this telling him it needed to end NOW! He said it was just a juvenile thing they did and looking back shouldn't have done, he said he is actually more worried about us than he and my wife. I am really upset knowing he just used my wife even more than if he said he loved her. When he said he didn't I really got angry, as if I may understand the physical aspect if he loved her. Instead my wife was just a piece of meat, I have a serious problem with that. I have good suspicion that my wife isn't the only woman out there for him. Now that I know, I want to be a friend to the OM'sW and let her make her own decisions about what she should do. My wife and I are Christians and understand our sin. Her reply is let God handle them and let us work on us. We shouldn't force anything. This is partly due to the fact that we both know they really don't love each other and have two adopted special needs kids. A divorce would be devastating to that family and my wife would have serious guilt knowing she allowed that to happen.
My reply was, they should have thought about that eight years ago. Now, the reality is out there and she (the OMW)needs to know for her own safety and decison. Am I right or just selfish wanting some sort of revenge on him (OM)?
Looking for advice.
