Been a while since I post anything. In the past it made me feel a little better after posting so I figure I can ramble a bit.
2/26/05 is D-Day. Had a feeling for a while but this is when I got the guts up to confront her.
3/15/05 try to patch things up. Several marriage counseling sessions.
4/14/05 caught her at the OM home. Supposely it was her just ending the relationship.
5/13/05 Marriage Builder's Weekend.
7/16/05 Caught her at his house again. This time I needed to use the "panic" on the vehicle's key to discover her hidding it in his garage.
7/28/05 I finally leave the home.
9/1 Start divorce proceedings.
I discover when I have the kids she is with him. I cry each time.
She wants Maintains (alomony) although she has B.A. degrees and certificates!
Even though I am not court ordered I been giving her money for the kids, but now pressured by family to stop all until divorce is final.
It seems she does something or agree with something that makes me happy and I am accomidating (giver) but then she yanks it away. Like she is dragging evewrything out.
Do I still lover her? I might be just jeolous that she moved on while I am waiting for divorce. Might be I feel like I didn't mean much to her.
Ones I asked if the OM ever discuss supporting her. She looked shocked and said never thought of it because she has her money and he has his, but now she wants all this crap from me.
Love her or not, I don't think I can ever trust her again. I am revengiful and I admit that started the ball rolling in the past, but when I tried to stop that she added more things to regret.
I know I care for her. I know I love my children. But I was so close to doing foolish things. And now after meds and counseling I seem happier, but I seem to have hidden my depression from even myself and being home alone it creaps out again. Then the foolish ideas pop back into my mind, but in a weird way. Making me ignore them. I mean it is like I am sitting there thinking, ok tv, a movie, or ...?
I know, I need to bring it up in my IC, afraid to be institionalized.
I know I would like to have my old life back. Just don't trust her and can't stand the thought of her thinking of him while with me. I know I want her to be happy, but why I cry when she sees him?
Oh well, one way or another it should reach an end. I just hoped that the divorce would be over before the end of the year for I can start a new year.
Mutt
