I'll try to avoid preamble here. I'm a fairly religious individual, and the only woman I have been with sexually was a fiance who passed away 5 years ago (note: I have been in other relationships. I just didnt want to have sex with someoen who I was not going to be married to). 2 yrs or so ago, I started dating again and I met this wonderful girl. I've been with her for a long time now, and we recently got engaged. We're perfectly compatible, understand each others wants and needs perfectly, and neither of us could have imagined the bliss that we feel with each other. Sounds perfect...until the truth revealed itself...

See, at the time when we got together, she told me she had dated 2 gents, and slept with one of them. It was, according to her, her first relationship and she was naive enough to try sex to keep the relationship together. (I say naive because sex doesnt fix relationships). It bothered me a bit, but I let it pass. However, upon introducing her to some of my family members, I was to discover some upsetting truths. One of my cousins later told me that he had seen her before, in compromising situations on the internet. I tried to brush it off, believing that he was mistaken. I had a discussion with her asking if this could be possible, and she said no. 2 weeks later, he sends me photographic evidence. These pictures werent pornographic but were obscene. They were not doctored. I've done graphic design etc, and can tell when a photo has been doctored. Unless she had uber-professionals spend hours to embarrass her, these were the real deal (including small details such as minor body marks etc etc. Could not have been faked.) Upon confronting her, she told me that she had sent out these things and had been embarrassed about it, so never told me. Also, they got worse than the ones I had (she didnt know what i had in my possession, but I gave enough details for her to know I knew she was hiding things from me).
I was upset and my cousin said he'd look into things, and make sure that this was a girl I could spend my life with, knowing my values. I found out more things that shattered my world. She had never had a serious relationship, instead having unprotected sex with individuals in their cars the first time she met them, and a 5 month long relationship that existed only in bed, and sent out obscene photographs of herself to individuals on the internet whom she had enver met.

I confronted her, she continued to lie through it, until she realized I knew too much. She told me she lied because she wanted to spare my feelings (also a lie..she lied to preserve the relationship; understandble in my eyes). And now, as much as I love her, and try to push this issue aside (I know her well enough to know she wont cheat on me, or lie about the present at all), I cant seem to. I kiss her sometimes and my mind flies to who else her mouth had been with. And what she had done with it. Sometimes we hold each other, and other thoughts come to my mind. I'm practically going insane on some levels. Yet, I find her wonderful. I love who she is, but I hate who she was. I keep seeing us being so happy together, and then these images rush into my mind making it impossible for me to even look at her (literally - if she is in front of me, I pull her in for a hug just so she cant see the sorrow on my face).

I really dont know what to do. Will this pass? Is this an issue that will kill us? I *want* to be open-minded about this, and let the past be the past, but my mind makes technicolor movies that make it impossible for me to sleep at night, for me to kiss her, for me to see her, to talk to her. The smallest stupidest thigns remind me of this, such as sexual jokes on TV, or anything alnog those lines. I know this is 'backwards' thinking, but I'm finding it hard to undo decades of a conservative mindset for a girl. My friends find her wonderful and see how we are together, and advise that I forget her past if I can. But I dont know...

Can anyone share a similar experience that they got over, or perhaps just some advice from years of relaitonships. It helps if you have a religious mindset, as it makes it easier to understand why this might be an issue for me. If you can offer any form of constructive opinion, I would appreciate that...

You know, the big question this raises is how stable is she? I mean, this is not someone with a mature healthy outlook on relationships:


I'd want to be very, very sure that she is a different person now. I'd want to talk to her and learn what/how she has learned/grown/changed...and I'd want to know that enough time had passed to be sure the growth and change was real and permanent.

How old is she, and how long ago was all this?

Kathi

Well, I suppose that given the time we've spent together, she does have a different mindset now. She's never been a cheater or anything...just not considering a relationship essential to sex...She does now feel bad about having betrayed her parents trust as she did, and feels horrible that her past might ruin her future with me (although she has no problem with the principle, as far as I can tell, only the consequence).

I will say this...the minor attitude change mentioned above only really happened when all heck broke loose around us (its been 2-3 months). This issues happened a few months before us dating. The pictures were about the month before. Shes 20 right now (we get engaged young in my religious community, and married by mid 20s.) I should probably clarify this: our engagement has not been run throgh my parents yet, who know she exists but want to meet her (they live on a different continent), so at best its unofficial for another 4-5 months. My parents are highly placed in the religious community (rabbi of the primary synagogue for an entire region of the world), and so will probably conduct due diligence themselves...no clue if this will turn up, but its likely that these issues will have to be discussed with them anyway. But its pointless if I cant live with her past anyway, which is what i'm trying to determine right now...

Well, as to whether or not you can live with it, that's a call only you can make. In the time I've been on these boards, I have seen a number of men post who could not. It is certainly something to be careful and think thru thoughfully as you are. To proceed without being very sure you are OK with her past is not fair to either of you. So, I think you are doing the right thing in questionning this.


This would bother me a lot, as it seems that you two still have quite a different mindset here.

Kathi

Right; I take marriage very seriously, and would rather spend the rest of my single than marry someone who i thought I might end up divorcing (ie: having major issues with). Sorry, conservative religious attitudes rear their head everywhere.


But I dont know if it matters though. She considers cheating a horrendous act, so regardless of her attitudes towards sex, when I'm with her, its not something I would have to worry about. But I can still see where issues might arise...

Kathi...on reading your messages again: Are you saying that nothing that anyone else has experienced/said can help much and that this is entirely a personal journey? (and just to clarify, its not about insecurity or anything. I'm extraordinarily successful and attract a lot of female attention, and have a very healthy ego. Its about beliefs.)

Hi, kaiser:

First of all, stop apologizing for your religious beliefs. You clearly have a maturity about you that is SORELY lacking in alot of secular and "in-name-only" religious guys, and I am pretty certain that your depth comes at least in part from the environment in which you were raised.

Secondly, your *feelings* towards your gf have nothing to do with religion. They are just part of who you are. You are a bit like me, I think - I broke up with my last ex (boyfriend) b/c he insisted that it was okay for engaged/married men to go to strip clubs. He's in the military, and I knew he had done quite a bit, not just as a 19- or 20-year-old kid, which I could have dealt with, but as a grown man in his 20s and 30s. Like you, I had "movies" in my head that repulsed me and made it impossible for me to respect him or want to be close to him. Staying with him was simply not an option, for many of the same reasons it seems that staying with your gf is difficult for you - the person has engaged in activities that you find inappropriate or distasteful, you question their judgment/character/emotional development, you have different values, etc. The only way religion factors into this is the same for you as it was for me - you need to ask yourself: is this the person I want instilling values in MY children? Like me, you seem to place great importance on your values - do you trust your gf to transmit those values to your children better than any other woman you think you will ever meet? For me with my ex, the answer was an absolutely resounding NO, but it was hard for me to come to that point - I hated having to acknowledge the truth that my ex was not who I thought he was (we had known each other for years before dating and ironically became closer through going to CHURCH!!).

I'd give it LOTS of time if you decide to continue on with this woman. Forget about how old most people in your community are when they marry. You are not most people, you are you, and no one timetable is right for everyone.

Best of luck -

Brigidcross - I suppose what held the most resonance was whether I want this woman instilling values in my children. In her eyes, she still hasnt done anything wrong and would sleep with more men if my feelings were not at stake.
I still love her, and I still dont know what I can do, but I suppose part of me has known the answer for a while. I cant live with who she is. I am not an angel, but you're right - I am who I am, and while I do love her and want to be fair, it doesnt mean I give up all that is important to me. Conforming to society's new views of acceptable behavior will not give me happiness and perhaps she too would be better off with someone who can freely ignore the past; while I would be better with someone who doesnt have much for me to ignore...

Heres hoping time takes me down the right path; I wont make any rash decisions, but I think I know where I need to go...
Its unfortunate that no one could recommend a way out of this problem altogether, but sometimes issues cannot be sidestepped.

Thank you, and even now, any further opinions, etc would be welcome...

If I were you I would be very very cautious getting into a marriage with this woman. Not b/c of her past sexual realtions but b/c of her inability to tell you the truth. To be totally honest with her future H, you. Could be serious signs of problems in communication to come. Good luck.

ok i know the feeling being cheated inwhat so ever way. but here's just one question for you..."do you love her enough?" because you see you cant go one with the relationship not until you both discuss this issue. as for me i do always make a check on people that i met or introduced for me to avoid regret in the future. you may try www.unlimited-backgroundcheck.com

So many spouses cheat during marriage that I suspect humans are made that way. (Even in the animal kingdom, most primates cheat. The females sneak off and have sex with visting male when they are out of sight from their tribal group.)

Remember, for every lousy, cheating husband, he is doing it with a woman. So there is no gender that is more promiscuous that the other.

Character and trust matter. Spouses often do a lot more than cheat at sex. They steal, abuse, and commit other crimes and deceptions. For any serious, unmarried couple, it is a good idea to do a com people search and background check on your future spouse in case he/she becomes your future ex-spouse.