I've been married for less than a year (second marriage for both of us--my first marriage ended due to infidelity on my spouse's part). My new husband's number one need is for communicationn. While we were dating he did most of the talking. I'm more of a listener, but I can hold my own. I was happy with this. Now that we are married he has told me he expects the conversation to be 50/50 and reminds me just about every day that I am not meeting his communication needs. The other night he informed me that he would need to go outside of our relationship to get this need met, and since men don't talk that much, he would be getting his need met by other "talkative" women, with his female boss being one of them.

Last night at the company Holiday party I had a chance to meet his boss. She came alone, sat down next to my husband (even though there were other vacant chairs/tables available), and the two talked "business" non-stop during the entire dinner. Needless to say, I was entirely ignored. When it was time to leave, he gave me a peck on the lips and said he was staying to help clean up and walked away. He didn't even walk me to the door (considering it was late and dark outside an escort to my car would have been nice--we came in separate cars since he was just getting off work when the party started). Since it is usually the women who tend to clean-up, I figured he was continuing to get his "communication needs" met. I felt very alone and abandoned.

I should mention that he is very easily angered. Saying the wrong thing...even in complete innocence...will set him off. This has put a damper on the part of me that is talkative since I never know when the conversation we are having will suddenly turn dark and nasty. If I so much as pause for a minute to ponder something, he gets upset and walks off...saying I was obviously done talking.

We started Christian marriage counseling this past weekend. I'm not sure whether to talk to him about what happened last night...since it is really bothering me, or wait until we see the counselor again (most likely after Christmas).

Am I being overly sensitive since I was cheated on before? Should I be concerned?

First of all, you know he needs convo, so it's obviously something you need to do with him, he has told you this and it is a big need for you to fill. Try your best to express interest in him, hobbies, his job, etc. Maybe just small talk to start and expand from there.

I would be very concerned that he is at a minimum involved in a emotional affair (and possibly physical). It absolutley floors me that he told you he "is going outside of your relationship to get this need met". What the &99$$##% is that??? Are you not supposed to be the most important thing in his life? Big sign that something is up especially after being married such a short time.

I would continue to try to determine what his needs are and begin a plan A of sorts. I would also be frank with him and tell him you deserve to be treated with respect and not be ignored as he acted towards you at the party, that is complete BS! You are supposed to be the most important person in his life and it seems that this is not the case at the moment.

He seems very defensive by his ez anger, I really wonder if he is involved more than just emotional at this point. You may need to put your best snooping and detective gloves on.

Get a plan together ASAP...I hate to say but I really believe something is going on here.

If I was you, I would be talking with him about everything, including how you currently feel, especially after what you have been through before. I cannot believe he just left you at the party....guess where he went to after you left?

Read this site as much as you can, there is alot of great info and the MB principles can help your marriage.

Best of luck. There are alot more older and wiser vets who will chime in I am sure.

CAdreaming,

""Am I being overly sensitive since I was cheated on before? Should I be concerned?""

NO

Your H is an insensitive, rude, boorish, manipulative oaf!!

I think he is getting more than his communication needs met with the "boss". He is setting up "how it is going to be" with you before it even gets started.

And that he is easily angered is another way of keeping you in you place and your mouth shut.

Please tell us some positive things about this guy, because I really don't see anything about him that would want a person to be married to the jerk.

Good for you on the couseling...let us know how that goes. Surprised he agreed to it. You may want to wait until the counseling meeting to bring up the Christmas party communicating.

How does the "boss" react toward you?

k

His boss didn't give me the time of day. She was just focused on my H and their conversation.

When he is sweet to me he is wonderful. It's his anger that ruins everything for us. This was the first item discussed in our first counseling session. Before we were married he told me he had "anger triggers," but that he had mechanisms in place to control the anger. He's had years of "anger" counseling, and says he is so much better than he used to be. I didn't experience his first angry outburst until after we were married.

I've read His Needs/Her Needs and Love Busters. Amazingly, my H is the one who told me about MB last summer!

Sometimes I think that even if I talked non-stop 24/7 it wouldn't be "good enough" for him. What do you do when your spouse's need is unquenchable?

CD