Hi everyone,
We D'd about 1 yr ago. Now I'm hearing from him again. The D was nasty. He tried to accuse me of things I've never done and I brought in evidence of his abuse (including police records, etc) and his A. He seemed to really hate me after the D; I felt victimized again. I never thought I would hear from him and figured that was the best.

Question: If you were in a typical D because of an A situation, and no children, would you want to be friendly with your Ex?

If you were in an extreme D situation, where your ex had been particularly cruel, but you could still remember good days, would you be open to communication?

I'm confused about the contact and don't know if he's just pulling me into the old abuse cycle again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Can people change?

I don't want to go back to being together, just seems odd to never talk to someone I was once married to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hi Nev,

I wouldnt be drawn back in. If the first words out of this mouth arent 'I was horrible to you and I am very sorry', then I'd not give him the time of day. Otherwise, he's just looking to pad his fan club.

Think of it as you would any other 'friend' who had intentionally hurt you. Unless ammends are made, the relationship in any form is dead. Him wanting to slink back into you life, as if nothing happened is an insult.

You are in control you your life now, and you decide who you wish to socialize with. He would not qualify, in my opinion. Dont let him back just because HE wants to... only if he's the kind of person you need in your life!

I havent spoken to my exH since shortly after the D, almost 8 years now. Neither has my new H spoken to his exW. No kids with either. I think it's pretty natural, unless kids are involved. It's not like we keep in touch with our old long-term boyfriends, right? Just my $0.02 - Dru

Wow! What does he want? Just a simple friendship or something more? Sorry, I have no experience. I'm just in the beginning stages of D myself.

I've read, though, that a huge majority of spouses who leave their S for an A partner eventually regret it. Maybe this is part of that. Sorry I don't have any real advice.

Neverthesame,

It sounds like your situation is very similar to mine. I was married 10 years to my XH (well, 11, but I don't really count the last, since we were separated and very antagonistic during that entire last year while we were going through the divorce.) No children. I discovered he had been doing on-line personals for years, and once he admitted this latest affair, I was finally able to admit to myself that the suspicions of earlier infidelities I'd had were true as well, though he denied them. Actually, he said "well, it was supposed to be that, but we decided we were better as friends," and got mad when I said that WAS an affair.

It was at that point I was finally able to admit that he had been emotionally abusive to me for years as well. I had never been one to tolerate the kind of treatment I put up with from him, so it amazed me the things I had slowly allowed myself to tolerate more and more over the years once I finally opened my eyes to it. And we too had a nasty divorce. I had paid for everything for years, while he used all his money to, evidently, go running around on me. And ran up debt I didn't know about besides. So I fought him to keep everything, and basically managed to, mainly because he had managed to back himself into a spot where he needed my cooperation on some things, and I refused to give it until he signed over the house to me. Despite the fact that he had already promised to do that, he started getting very nasty with me at that point, though he had occasionally gotten pretty nasty before then too. And like yours, my XH accused me of many things that weren't true, including implying that I had been cheating on him (with absolutely NOTHING to back it up - he had pretty much isolated me from friends and even family to a certain extent, so I wasn't even talking to anyone to have anyone to cheat WITH!)

Mine too wanted to be friends - envisioned going off with OW to live happily ever after, while having me around to be buddies with and talk with every day and such. I informed him in no uncertain terms that I would NEVER be friends with someone who could treat me the way he had treated me. Friends do not treat each other that way. And I would never be friends with someone I could not trust, or that could and would lie to me the way he had.

My XH too tried on a number of occasions after the fact to contact me. I went completely NC. It was too hard on me to put up with him contacting me. He would get ahold of me, and one time he would be really nice, and the next thing you would know, he would want something out of the house. And if I didn't immediately say he could have it, he got nasty, called me names, and the harrassing phone calls started from both him and from OW, saying some of the most nasty things you've ever heard in your life. Then I'd get an apology e-mail from him. And hear how Dr. Phil, or some Christian financial guru, or some book about sex addicts, had shown him how wrong he'd been, and NOW he'd finally seen the light, and he'd realized how much he'd hurt me, and OW, and OW's daughter, and..... Ahhh, the cycle just went on.

The only way to clear my head and get out of the crazy mess was to get out of it. I decided a long time ago that one of the hardest things in all this was the fact that we never had kids, because XH wasted 10 years of my life, and now that I'm rapidly approaching 40, I may not end up having any. But that the fact that I didn't have kids with him was the biggest blessing that God gave me in this whole mess. Because it means that I now can choose to never have anything to do with XH again. And that is the choice I have made.

Even with changing phone numbers and bouncing e-mails from him, I still get included in their lives from time to time. They felt the need to send me a birth announcement. They showed up at my church (they live over 2 hours away, and don't know anyone else or have any friends in the area) on the weekend closest to my birthday. But I just ignore it all. I didn't even open the birth announcement - I knew what it was without even opening it.

And I've even already planned out what I will say if he ever does approach me directly wanting to have some sort of contact in my life again, whether it be just as friends or as more:

"No. I have my own life now. Have a good life, just one without me in it. Please leave me alone now, I don't wish to have anything to do with you."

Only you can evaluate your situation and what you want, but if abuse was involved, do you really want to allow him the chance to draw you back in? Me, I've just come way too far without him to take that chance. I really do hope he manages to get himself straightened around, but I'm still working on healing the damage he did. With no kids, I'm lucky I don't have to give him the chance to do any more, so I won't. Yes, he might have changed, but I don't have to be the one to find out if that is so.

My d has been final now for about 6 weeks. Last week my x called me to see if the dogs were going to home on Sunday afternoon. I had told her after the d that if she wanted to take the dogs for a weekend we could make arrangements. It seems kinda silly I know but she regards those dogs like they are kids. Anyway I told her yes, that they would be home and I was going hunting that afternoon. She still has a key to my house and hasnt offered to surrender it yet. I dont really want to argue about it nor do I want to spend the money changing the locks. So she says she is going to drop by and if I dont mind, do some laundry. Poor baby is living in an apartment with no washer and dryer in her apartment. I tell her thats fine...help herself. I dont know why I am such a trusting soul of someone that was so cruel to me. Maybe I am an idiot? I dont know.
Here's the kicker though.....the past three years x and I were season ticket holders and foundation members of the local university basketball program. She asks me if I had renewed the tickets? I definitely got the feeling she was hunting for an invitation to a game. It might not be for any reason other than to decline the invitation I dont know. I still think she is pretty sick and twisted. Or maybe she is feeling lonely with the holidays approaching. Word on the grapevine from mutual friends is that om has pretty well given her the heave ho in order to spend more time with his kids. LMAO here!
Anyway......aint no way in ****** I am putting myself out there again for that kind of hurt from this woman. Who knows what her twisted motives are.

My situation follows those above. I guess ex's eventually come out of their fog, realize what they have done, and feel like they have to make contact or try a start a friendship. Perhaps it makes them feel less guilty inside.

I choose not to maintain contact or reply to emails unless it's business related. I don't have kids so I see no reason to maintain a friendship. Why would I want to be friends with someone that hurt me as much as they did?

No and no. If it weren't for the kids I don't think I'd have anything to do with the Ex whatsoever. We did have a lot of good times, but they don't cloud the things that were done at the end which were very, very, wrong.

Miker

Same here, if no children together, I would not see, speak to, or interact with the ex at all.