Looking for some thought on how others have set up visitation before the courts became involved. My H has not actually left the home, all his belongings are still here. He is currently a nomad, staying here & there, I think with the OW, but says there is no OW. He wants to see daughter every day. I think that is admirable and he is a wonderful father, and I do not want her to hurt because of this. However, to see her, means he comes here. He picks her up from daycare (that was always the arrangement before) and brings her here to play, sometimes eats dinner, sometimes stays for bath and nite nite, then disappears to who knows where. He just asked for an arrangement where he picks her up at 3 on M, W, F and brings her here until I come home at 5 and then he'll leave. And on T, TH, he'll stay later, no guaranteed time, and then leave. THen he wants her every other F, S, Sun, so that means he'll have to be here, maybe take her to grandma's, or out and about, but mostly here.

So, here's where I'm torn. My priority is my daughter and I don't want her to miss her daddy. However, I'm in the middle of all this. I am not going to make myself disappear so he can have private time, this is my home. He chose to leave us and repeatedly says it won't affect the child (he is clueless there). Should I give him a taste of what he is asking for? Let him see what he will be missing out on. I worry that being around me every day will not give him time to miss us. Am I making it to easy for him to leave us? But I don't ever want to take a child from her father?

I know some of you out there are going to really come down on this question, but I'm trying to look at it as what is best for my child and for me.

Hello Dark Days - I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you but I can certainly relate to your feelings. The ONLY reason I didn't kick my WH out when I discovered his As is because of our DD. I don't know where you are in the broad scheme, but I think the vets around here will tell you that if you have carried out a successful Plan A, it may be time for Plan B. But you will have to find an intermediary who can act as a conduit between you and your H. I think it is probably hard with a young child, but it can be done. Has he considered the fact that if you split up, your child will ultimately learn that it was because he had an A? Good luck. Stung

Have you done a GREAT Plan A? I see you are fairly new here. Plan A is the starting point and needs to be done for around 3 months. It includes being the best wife you can be, eliminating LB's and disrespectful judgements, and other things he may have complained about.

Also you need to figure out if there is an OW or not, because that will determine the advice you get here.

I am working on Plan A. Nice talk. No arguements. Don't ask questions. Always be agreeable. Don't ask for reconciliation. My problem that i've been having is how to start making "deposits" when he won't let me. From what he's told me, I think his bank has to be empty. Because he was not his true self the entire marriage, I didn't know his real needs. I had been a taker never realizing it. I thought I was giving him what he wanted and now he says thats not who he is. I'm hearing things that I know I could work on, if he'd let me, but he is totally closed down. Most importantly to him, was that he wasn't "having fun". And you know, I can see that now. I was caught up in life (kids, buidling house, new jobs, etc.) and I thought this was just how things are going to go for a little while, once everything settles, we'll get back to us. Well he never gave it time to settle. How can I put "fun" back into our lives, if he won't do things with me.

As for the OW, you say the advice may differ if there is or isn't one. Well everyone on the forum thinks there is OW, but I am still hesitant. He denies it and for some strange reason I believe him. I do think there is a romantic idea of another woman. He is young, good-looking, and popular, he knows he can find someone else. And currently he openly admitted that he is hanging out with a group of divorcee women for support because they "understand what he is going through". I see women waiting to pounce. I know that one of them, a co-worker, just left her husband and she meets his need for fun. I can't picture them as a permanent couple, but who knows. Right now, I think there is probably an EA going on there which, if I push, could lead to a PA. He says I will never understand it because he has always thought men can have female friends and that it's okay. And the funny thing is, up until now, I was so blind with trust and thought i had nothing to worry about, I never really disagreed with that. I always said he was coming home to me, so it was okay. He thinks it's normal for men to have female friends. I do admit that I did tell him that I wouldn't like him hanging out with one girl years ago, due to her "reputation", and he actually brought that back up and said I'm the one that's not normal.

Oh well, I'm babbling. It's just so hard being alone now, at the holidays. H took DD to grandparents and I'll have her on xmas. I have no family nearby. I'm stuck out in the middle of nowhere, with snow up to my tuckus. And I'm getting depressed. I've always suffered with depression and he never understood how to help me. Now, he's really pushed me over the edge. I hate winter, I hate being alone, I hate feeling like I've messed up the rest of my and my daughter's life. I don't know if I can make it as a single mom.

Does anyone have any idea what is "standard" visitation. How many hours or days should he get? I'm worried that if he picks her up everyday from daycare, he'll become a "driveby" daddy. He sees her for an hour a day, and then poof, he's off to his fun. What a perfect life for him, daddy with no responsibility. And what will that do to her vision of him. I'm thinking he needs less days and longer visits. Any thoughts, any???

Well I just blew Plan A. How can you be nice when kids are involved. Two days into our visitation agreement, we're already having trouble. He agreed to Tuesday all night. That is exactly what we wrote down. He came today at 5, I had dinner ready, I told him that after dinner I was going to a friends (silly me, thought I'd give him some alone time with our DD) and he says he has plans and is leaving at 8. I thought you were staying "all night"? He says that's not what he agreed to. He says he is not giving in because he is sticking to what we agreed to. Well it's right there on the paper that I wrote and he approved, simply stated... Tuesday all night. To him all night meant come at 5, have dinner, do nite nite and then he's off to his life. He says he will not let me guilt him into canceling his plans (which are to hang out and watch a movie with his harem of divorcees who are so supportive and I'm sure they are talking about me now--that is if they're not doing something else). So first, you are sticking to the agreement and then when you can see it in black and white, you are not sticking to it. ARRRRGGGGG!!!! By this time I'm so pissed I can hardly hold my tongue. I was not good, but I was not as bad as I could have been. I did not raise my voice. I didn't swear, call names, etc. I told him I was disappointed that chooses to hang out over being with his daughter. He's not, he's seeing her until 8, then he's leaving. So, bottom line he is choosing to have a life with no responsibility and I'm not allowed to. Well, right or wrong, I took DD with me and he did the dishes. Sad thing is, he wins, he is sitting around being "loved" and I'm stuck here pouring my heart out to a computer. I am not going to make it through this.

Try to cheer up. This is par for the course. He may appear to be winning now, but he is not. Family is the most important thing.

Sorry you are feeling down. If you get too depressed, be sure to check with your doc for some meds.

You are very early in this, so don't give up.

Well....rather than argue with this line of thought, I will just throw some holiday cheers and wishes your way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Always being "nice" and "agreeable" while someone "Shttys" all over you would be "hard" for anyone to stomach. Maybe a trip to your MD and a discussion with him/her about Antidepressants would be strongly in order. I don't think there is any question of whether there is an Enotional Affair going on...this is not in question. Your Cheating Husband is getting "emotional" needs fed to him by another source that is NOT his wife.

I "dunno" what else to tell ya. I sympathasize with your despair.

Lem

That's not what plan A is all about....read THIS and THIS

Plan A is not about being walked upon....why would he change if he has a place to hang his hat whenever he feels like it? Where are the consequences?

Please do read the links that Binder has sent. I don't think you totally "get" what Plan A is about. Sure, it is about being the best person you can be, but it is also about sttine some healthy boundaries for yourself.There is no way that you should have to leave your own home for a WS... Plan A is not about being a doormat.