We are getting along pretty well with day to day things. nothing is talked about relationship wise . We both are pretty much conflict avoiders which makes opining the lines of communication pretty tuff. When I try to talk about how things are going or how she feeling about something all I get are generic answers. Instead of answering she sometimes ask the same question to me. Here's a question I asked the other night for example, I asked if she thought things were moving in a positive direction. She answered somewhat, when I asked her elaborate on what she meant she stopped talking.

I know it has not been that long since the end of her A, is this still pretty normal?

How long should I give her after NC to start coming around & discussing things?

I'm doing plan A, NC has been established, but we seem stuck there. I'm fulfilling the EN that I think she wants or will allow me to do. She will not fill out the EN questionnaire because she thinks it will send me a mixed message because she is not ready or comfortable with me trying to fulfill them when it comes to affection etc. She does not try do fulfill any of mine other than the day to day conversation & trying to be nice to each other.

Even though she is the WS everything is my fault, she feels no remorse for the A because she said she had no feelings for me. I have been very understanding about the A & stayed very calm. I'm more concerned with what got us to that point. I new we were in trouble & had been trying to get her to sit down & talk for over a year but her ears were closed due to the A & I didn't always go about it the proper way.


Looking for a direction to go, do I continue plan A ? & give her more time. When is the right time to push a little about going to A MC? Because I have been so understanding & since her family does not know about the A she doesn't really have any consequences for the A she can just act like it didn't happen.

I'm sorry for rambling & I don't write very well so let me know if I need to clarify something. I'm feeling very lost & alone.

Cliff

If she doesn't want to fill out the EN survey then go by what you know about your wife. Also, look at the relationship she had with the other man. What needs was he meeting that you are poor at? The needs he met are probably ones that you haven't been meeting at least not very well. Reread the affection chapter and make sure you are not confusing affection for forplay which is a big problem for men. Chances are she will let you be affectionate with her but is unconfortable with sex because she doesn't feel in love with you or feel loved by you. Try being affectionate when there is no chance of it going any further or as if you were being affectionate to your child for starters.

When I was talking about affection, I meant holding hands. peck on the cheek etc, I wasn't referring to sex. She states that she doesn't understand how I can so easily do it now & not before, but she doesn't take into account that she wasn't doing it ether & was pushing me away even than. She is in denial & thing everything is my responsibility including fixing the relationship.

Cliff

CNAMZAT,

Man I know how you feel, everything is my fault. My WW has fought me every step of the way. still says she wants a D, but I finall had it out with her this weekend and she has now agreed to work marriage using MB, and agreed to everything except NC Letter, this is due to the AF issueing a NC order to her & I, & OM. Contact means federal charges for me and end of career for her or OM. So I have allowed things to comtinue without an NC Letter.

Wait until she tells you that SF with you would be betraying OM, I just about fell over laughing, she didn't appreciate me laughing ant her, but I told her to listen to what she is saying. She betrayed me with OM, we've been married 17.5 yrs, known each other over 20 yrs, she had known him 6 weeks and SF with me was betraying him. She finally got a clue on that one, but my god the fog was heavy!

Keep looking at the bigger picture. I know it's hard right now to see how your efforts may pay off, but no matter what happens...they will. Even if she never does come around, you can feel a measure of pride in the fact that you responded calmly and with kindness in the face of adversity.

If you believe Steve Harley (and I do), meeting her EN's will eventually begin to fill her love bank, if she allows you access.

Filling your spouse's EN's is a remarkable thing. My FWH and I have finally learned to set our defenses down and love each other the way we both want to be loved and it is truly amazing how those feelings of resentment and bitterness are replaced with feelings of romantic love.

Plan A is designed to bring about the end of the A. If NC has been established, the end of the A has been achieved. It could take a long time before the impact of her choices begins to affect her.

As far as pushing a little about MC, your job as a husband is to care for your wife and to communicate to her how she can care for you. Be careful about pushing. Let her know what you would like from her without any hint of a demand.

On the EN questionnaire, perhaps you could tell your wife that you would like to learn how she likes to be cared for, and that you would like to avoid anything that makes her uncomfortable. If she isn't feeling pressured, she may be less likely to resist.

I admire your efforts and I'm terribly sorry you feel so lost and alone. Also, I think you write just fine.

Thanks frozen that's why I'm am posting to get reinforcement that I'm doing the right things & to make sure I don't LB. Keeping focused on the big picture is pretty tough right now but I'm hanging in there barely. I will try that approach with The EN questionnaire & see where I get for now I will do what I can think of as far as her EN & see where it takes me.

Thanks, Cliff