I'm not talking about a hit series on ABC, I'm talking about both my heart and my soul lost right now.

It's been a long time since I've posted on here and I haven't done a good job at either plans, A or B.

My wife cheated on me with my best friend while I was deployed in 2003. Immediately after finding out I found this site and started posting. After trying to work it out for over the better part of a year and after having our first child I told her I didn't want to be married anymore.

Here we are nine months later separated but still not divorced. She is still holding on to the hopes that we can reconcile and work things out but I can't trust who she has allowed herself to be and I myself have changed tremendously from the husband she once knew.

I find myself wanting to work things out, not because I love her but because of how much simpler it would be than the alternative. I wonder if I can tolerate her enough to stay. There would be the benefits of seeing my son all the time, he's ten months old and I've been away from him for four months, and we would actually have a household that's not split up. I would also have homecooked meals and my washer and dryer and instead of having to pay a set amount for child support I would just be there and my money would support him.

All in all I could call myself confused and angry, I'm still very bitter. I don't like people who are happy nor do I like people who can sleep or have families. It's all quiet sickening to me now. I don't trust people because I believe that they are all liars putting on a sherade and simply pretending to be something they are not, like my wife and friend were able to do.

My friend, let me say former friend, was in the Army as well so it has changed my opinions of the Soldiers that I serve with and I can't stand them anymore so my job is definitely affected by this affair.

At any rate, there's no one out there than can make me happy but maybe if I can get a person to listen on here I can draw from their experiences.

Thanks.

My previous posts were under bitterman, JKE, and betrayedhusband.

I can't imagine with your hurt and bitterness that any sort of love can get thru to you. If you don't have even the possibility of that in your marriage, it will be torture for both of you. Your son will suffer most of all with parents who barely tolerate each other. He won't know what is wrong, but eventually he will blame himself. All children in troubled homes do.

butyouknow,

I would strongly recomment that you go see your Chaplain. You have some strong issue clearly brought on by the double betrayal and possibly from being in combat. I don't know but you need to address them.

Until you do, you don't need to worry about your W and son. You cannot love them if you don't love or even like yourself.

Please go see your Chaplain and discuss all of this.

God Bless,

JL

I agree and that's part of the reason why getting back with her to simple "make things easier" seems so out of the question for me at this time. Thanks for your post.

JL,

I've heard from you before during my first series of posts on MB. Thanks for all of your advice. I don't believe that Chaplains possess the tools that I need right now but maybe my reluctance to see them is part of the problem. It's hard to trust them as well.

I can tell you this, combat has nothing to do with my ill feelings towards my current profession. Being in an institution that facades on the premise of integrity and honor but fails to carry out those very values is.

A fellow Soldier did this and fellow Soldiers who knew about it did nothing except gossip.

The truth about it all.

The truth is that the reason I'm so angry is because what we had was so perfect, or at least it seemed that way. I mean how many people can honestly say that they married their best friend? How many people can say that in every aspect of their relationship their spouse is simply the best that they could ask for? That's what I had but the main thing that feeds me is communication, whether written, spoken, or nonverbal - communication, open and honest, is the way to keep my heart.

After she showed me her willingness to lie and her unwillingness to talk about things in both of our pasts it was clear to me that everything wasn't as perfect as it seemed and it made even the good things seem like they were a lie as well.

Welcome back to marriagebuilders again. Sorry you are going through this still.

I really have sympathies for the feelings you are going through right now. I think they are fairly normal. It sounds like there are some things that you didn't work through.

Of course, for some people, an affair ends the marriage. Few people here would fault you if that is what you decided.

But you seem to be painting everything with a very broad brush. Someone in the Army betrayed you and the others gossiped about it. That is typical. But that does not mean that there is no good in the Army.

I was kind of like you for a long time after D-day. I even got rid of lots of friends. I had very high standards then, and many didn't meet them.

But these feelings tend to go away as you heal. You learn that you need to take care of yourself, because no one else will. You find out that you can be alone. That was very important for me.

Hope you will keep reading and posting here, and give a try at working through all of this crap.

I just got into town today and saw my wife and son since what seems like ages ago, actually last month, and my son has grown so much. It sure would be convenient for me to get back with her but I don't know. I think that the holidays make this harder on people than it really needs to be in the end. You see many families going on with their traditions and doing "family" things and you're left feeling alone, hurt, hopeless and fearful of what the future will ultimately hold.

I hope that everyone will enjoy the holidays though.

Glad you got to see your son. I hope you will keep in contact with him and guide him into being a man, no matter what happens with your marriage.

Don't fall into doing the easy thing. That will only cause you bigger problems down the road. If you and your wife ever get back together, you want it to be for a much BETTER marriage.