Payton- I copied this here so that you will get attention and responses and the other thread will keep going, too.



Hello,

One week ago today I found out by accident that my husband of 13 years has been having an affair with a former college sweetheart. A casual email from her mother sparked conversation which led to the affair and betrayal. I found out by going in to his email to print a hotel confirmation for a trip we were going to take. On his email were several postings from a woman with suggestive headings. When I read them and saw the exchanges between the 2 (which included "I love you" and "the beginning of the rest of our lives") I thought I would die. The clincher was the flight reservation receipt for a business trip that my husband took and included her. Paying for this with OUR hard earned money. Needless to say I am devasted. I confronted him and he at first denied it until I provided the proof. He says he does not love me anymore and feels nothing for me. He says she is "different" but can't explain what that means. I have heard a lot of "I don't knows" in the last week. He says he wants to explore options - staying with me and our 11 year old daughter or divorcing and go with HER. We have had one joint marriage counseling session and are going today for separate sessions with the therapist.

My questions:
How do I compete with a younger, probably more attractive woman who has no kids at home, no repsonsiblities and no worries or stress of owning a business?

How do I get him to see that it is different because she has the time and energy to tell him how wonderful he is and jump in the sack with him all the time - we spend every waking moment working or running our daughter around?

How do I get him to see that he never said a word to me that he needed anything different from our relationship and while he was telling her he loved her, he was also telling me?

How do I get him to see that normal, moral, caring people do not have affairs and when one knowingly puruses a married man with a family, it is not right and shows an extreme selfish personality?

How do I get from minute to minute? How do I breathe and function?

How do I look forward, knowing I will be alone and he will be with her?

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry you have to be here, but you will gain a lot from being here.


First, Start reading the site. Read everything on the site dealing with infidelty and emotional needs. Read about Plan A and Plan B.

Go today and buy Surving and Affair by Dr. Harley. Read all of it as quickly as possible.

Can you call the Harleys? There is info on the site on how to do that. From everything said by other forum members, you will get so muich out of it.

Now, for a little more personal information. My FWH had and A with his high school sweetheart. I know the pain you are feeling. It is awful.

You can make it through. You need to be well informed. Read here, post, read the book call the Harleys. There will be others along who can give you moe encouragement.

Take a deep breath. I'll pray for you right now. ((((Payton))))

Payton, I'm sorry you got so little response... the week of Christmas, everyone so busy... I should have sent you to General Questions II because there is so much more traffic there. I responded to you on Plan A / Plan B also.

Have you read any books on affairs? I highly recommend "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley, "When the One You Love Wants to Leave" by Donald Harvey, "Hope for the Separated" by Gary Chapman, and of course "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson.

You don't need to compete. You have 13 years of history married to this man. You have a daughter together (or 2?), he is in the fog - a romanticized fantasy world NOT based in reality.



Again, he's in the fantasy-world. He needs to realize that it ISN'T real. Maybe he's starting to get shaken out of that now that your DD won't go see him and wants nothing to do with OW. "Guess they won't be a 'happy family' together after all!"


Don't beat yourself up - as the Frank Pittman quote I'm about to past states, A's happen more often in good marriages than bad ones. Because he got involved in an affair doesn't mean your marriage was bad. Just that his emotional needs were not being fully met, and yours probably weren't either, as it tends by nature to be reciprocal.


He will probably have to figure this out on his own. I did tell my WH, "If you want to see the true character of a person, break up with them" I handled our breakup respectfully and maturely, though I was devastated. I wanted what was best for him, and our DDs. OW on the other hand, went completely psycho and turned into a manipulative, dysfunctional lying b*tch every time he broke up with her or tried to. I see your true colors, shining thru (singalong)


Pray pray pray pray pray. Do you have a relationship with God? If so, good. If not, now is as good a time as any!


Take it one day at a time. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Do not stop hoping and praying.

MSA

This is what your WH is caught up in...

Read what Frank Pittman says about 'romantic infidelity'
Quote:

Hi Payton. Welcome to MB. I'm sorry you are going through all of this. We've all been there in some capacity - it's important to remember that you are not alone.

How are things going since you last posted?

I am sorry that you have to be here...but we're glad you found us.

Please know that there is hope. It may be a long road but I am living proof that WSs can come out of the fog.

Keep praying...we are!

Hello Everyone,

Thanks so much for your kind words of encourgagement. It has been a VERY hard 4 weeks. 2 days before Christmas he moved out in the with the OW. We were and are crushed. I filed for divorce on 1/3 as that is what my WH said he wanted. This week he says he does not know what he wants. Our daughter, age 11 wants nothing to do with him or the OW and most likely never will. I had him come over to the house today to discuss visitation (alone at his mothers) and he said he is getting his own apartment this week. Believe it is just because the lawyer said it would be best for visitation and no judge in ****** would make this child visit, let stay at the OW's home. I offered him reconcilliation if he left the OW with no contact. Said he won't stop seeing the OW as he can't (sounds like the FOG). I followed the Carrot and Stick and Plan A basics. I spoke to him in a calm and collected, controlled voice. I pointed out to him the pain he caused all of us, especially his daughter and that their relationship is forever damaged. I pointed out that weher he is living is causing her and me great discomfort and that it was good that he was getting his own place. I showed him how good I look (I've lost almost 20lbs-due to him and his stupidity). I told him that I am doing things for myself for the first time and how exciting that was. He saw that the house was kept up and I was managing just fine without him. I asked again if he would cut it off with the OW and he said he couldn't. He did say he was open to starting over completely with me and exploring a whole new relationship and that he would go see a MC with me to explore that. But still not willing to stop the relationship with the OW. About her - she is someone he knew in college. She had one kid out of wedlock at 16, married, had a son, cheated on her husband, they divorced and the kids are with the husband most of the time. She is in debt up to her eyeballs and thinks she latched on to some money - NOT. I have supported this man for the last 13 years and we have been building a business together for 5 years. Everything earned went back into the biz. My full time job has paid for almost everything. So, the OW is not a prize...certainly selfish, not a good mother and a CHEATER! He can't see it of course and is textbook FOG! A postive thing from our conversatin is that he fessed up and told me he has been with 4 women - 2 one night stands and another woman for several months and then this OW. This has been going on for 2 years and he considered our marriage dead for all that time but never bothered to communicate to me. I was so trusting and oblivious to this man. Very sad.

When he left he hugged me 3 times and then kisssed me on the lips...what was that about? Not just a peck either....I still love him. He is a very good man, just very confused. His father did this to his mother for 22 years and of all 3 kids, he was the most traumatized. His first wife also cheated on him. He does not see the connection between these events.

I am torn...I am glad that we talked and he saw how strong I was. I hope that bodes well to the Carrot and Stick. I will stick it out a bit more and see how I feel. Part of me wants him badly...the other part says say goodbye.

Our daughter loves him dearly, but also hates what he did. His family adores me and has been a wonderful support. I have told many about what has happened - he has told nobody, choosing to keep her underwraps....what does this mean?

I have ordered Surviving and Affair and am getting counseling, as is my WH and daughter. My older daughter is 22 and out of the house - she is from my first husband who died very tragically 19 years ago. She is very sad also as my WH is the only father she has ever known.

I just don't seem to have good luck with me. I guess I am destined to be alone and right now that may the best option for me. Work on myself and enjoy my kids, my job and me.

Thanks alot - I have my church and prayers have been coming in from all over the country. I have received more support from strangers on prayer boards and this board which makes me feel so not alone and scared.

Any additional help is greatly appreciated!

Payton

Welcome to marriagebuilders.

I wonder what happened 2 years ago to make your marriage vulnerable to these affairs?

You are very early in this, too early to make any permanent decisions. Plan A is a good starting place. It sounds like you are doing a good one.

This affair will end for sure. It sounds like the OW has a lot of problems.

You might try meeting his top emotional needs, if he will let you. Admiration is usually up at the top for men.

Two years ago my husband got an opportunity to appear on a cable channel for a do it yourself program. This took him all over the country for 1-2 weeks per month from April to Dec. Prior to this we had never been apart and spent every waking moment together. This new TV lifestyle gave him a whole new view of the world. One where alcohol, drugs and sex are free and morals are lacking. He had a whole new TV family that I was not a part of as I was home working full time, paying the bills, taking care of our daughter and the home. My full time job and taking on all the responsibilities allowed him the freedom to pursue this opportunity. Without that, he would have never gotten able to do this. Being on the road with the young, single guys and out in bars proved detrimental to him and to our marriage. He doesn't see the connection, but everyone else does. For the 2 years he sure put up an Academy Award winning act...I had absolutely no clue and I am very smart and very perceptive. Maybe I just did not want to see the signs. I am still waivering back and forth regarding him. For the last 2 days I just feel that divorce is the best as I deserve far better than this. My health has been jeopardized and I am going to the doctor this week for HIV and STD testing. I have had several bouts of sickness over the past 18 months that I think I can now understand the cause of. He not only hurt me emotionally, but physically and I am the only stable parent our daughter has.

I suspect alcohol and drugs...he laughed at me when I asked him about this, but the man can barely finish a sentence these days...he seems drugged most of the time. Not sure if it is the FOG or other things. Courts can make him take a drug test and my daughter cannot be protected from him unless he hurts her...great.

All in all I am doing pretty well for just 4 weeks under my belt. I have a lot of support and am adjusting to my new life with my kids. Work is great and I enjoy coming as the distraction is so wonderful.

Thanks for all your kind words here...it feels like I have a whole new group of friends looking out for me.