I am not hear to bash the Church or make you think I do not beleive in God! I know a lot of you have said that the giver in me needs to step forward and give for awhile. Since my W has found out about the A an influx of religious books have come into our home and my W is dead set on going to church on Sundays and hanging out with couples that are heavy set in the Church. I support her going to Church and talking to whoever she want's! However, My mother forced us to go to Church in our teen years and my brothers and I hated it. I believe in God and speak to him often. Usually when I am in the woods hunting or hiking. I find the outdoors to be a very peacefull and calming place for me. I feel like she is looking down at me for not going and she is constantly leaving the books around the house for me to see (in the way)! She has told me that Church would not kill me or talking to the people that go to Church. I know it won't kill me to go or talk to these people. I have some good friends that go to Church and I don't see a difference. I feel she is trying to make a separation in the friends that we hang around with. I hope I am not babbling and am somewhat clear. How do I go about this situation without upseting her? I support her going and doing what she needs to do but I am not ready to be part of it!

If she needs to go to church for some healing, I would go with her. Surely you can find SOMETHING good about going - time for reflection, nice music, doing something your wife likes.

You still don't seem all that concerned about her -

"I support her going and doing what she needs to do but I am not ready to be part of it!"

What are you willing to do to help make your marriage a success? Are you willing to do this for your wife and for your marriage and open yourself up to the possibilites of what could happen? It's amazing what happens when we have God in our marriages. What's the worst that could happen if you go, and go without resentment?

I just feel it is being forced on me and I am not ready. I am very concerned about my W and I want her to be healthy and happy.

Bum your W is seeking God, you should not be mad about that.
She knows she needs Him. If she is trying to make a seperation of friends that you both hang out with, then she may feel they are not healthy friends, and is seeking wise friends in the Lord. There is nothing wrong with that.....only good. She needs to feel safe within Gods family, let her do it. She needs supportive friends, let her find them.

I'm sorry you wouldn't want to be a part of something so good.

Lady

I'm not saying something good can not happen! But right now I would not be able to go without resentment! I'm not saying God is not in our marriage but I think everybody has their own way of speaking to God!

Lady I am not mad and I do support her going! A majority if not all of our friends are older with kids and healthy marriages. AM I NOT A PART OF SOMETHING GOOD BECAUSE I DON'T GO TO A BUILDING ON SUNDAYS? Everyone has their own way!

what if she was asking you to go the library once a week for an hour and sit next to her...

would you balk at that....?

why pick this hill to die on...

what good will come from it...

ARK

***edit***

My mother also forced us to go to church as teens. She didn't attend, but made us go. It left a bitter taste in my mouth and I rebelled and became agnostic, then atheistic, and resentful. Things changed when I had our son.

I realized I had a responsibility for his tiny soul. I needed a template to bring him up as a moral, ethical and good person. So I returned to my church. Got him baptized. Enrolled him in a religious school.

Later, I found my husband and myself dealing with his emotional affair. After it had gone on for about 2 years, he finally came clean one day about his feelings for me.
Typical wayward spouse abducted by aliens babble. I was gutted.

Where did I turn? To church. The haven of sinners, misfits, losers. I didn't know if there was a God, but I really hoped there was. I prayed to Him, asked Him what His plan for my life was. Turned to Him because I wanted to die.

Churches support marriage. They offer counseling to couples with problems. Some of the members have lived through infidelity. It's commoner than you would believe.

My priest told me that I would be amazed at the number of couples he counseled for infidelity issues.

If you go to church with her, do it for her, not for yourself. She is fighting desperately to recover your marriage. She is reaching out for something eternal and infinite - something more immense than your mere lifetimes. Something true.

You aren't guaranteed a recovery. But it is impossible to describe the damage and hurt she feels. Words cannot do it. She's throwing you a lifeline.

Consider yourself lucky that she hasn't called it quits. Many betrayed spouses are so devastated by an affair that they remove themselves from the source of the pain. Not everybody has it in them to fight to rebuild their marriages. You can't imagine the loss of being divorced.

My husband talked a good game about moving out once our son was in college, grown. He talked this game for years, never altering it until the day the process server came to the house with the divorce petition. Guess what? He fainted. Twice. He went to bed for a week. Couldn't eat. Couldn't go to work. Curled up like a fetus. Yet still wouldn't give up his "friendship."

Tore me up. Absolutely broke my heart. Now he lives in an apartment building that my son says "the halls smell like fast food." He is hurting. I feel bad for him, but our marriage is gutted.

Do whatever your wife wants, even if you don't believe in church. Please, consider me the ghost of Christmas Future, or Marley's Ghost. I'm happier now, but it still hurts me to see how lonely my STBXH is. He still has his BestFriend, that woman, but his life is wrecked.

Her efforts are for you. Grab your lifeline.

Is she really looking down at you for not going or is that your perception? Ironically, my DH mentioned the other day that he would have no problem with me joining a church near us since he is aware that I have been missing that in my life. But he did mention that he does not wish to join me on a regular basis but was open to attending on some occasion. Perhaps this is the type of dialog you and your wife need. Let her be aware of your support by spefically acknowledging this need of hers and also be specific in what you are prepared to do at this point. The problem isn't church or even her having books around. You need to talk to your wife and let her know how you feel about the books and church, etc. She may not have intended to throw it in your face at all. If there is one thing I've learned over the past year or so is to never assume (9.5 times out of 10 I was usually wrong). IF all else fails, go to the woods and pray about it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bum;
I read your story, I am sorry for the pain you and your wife are going through. However you forced the affair on your wife. Even though you felt you were not getting your needs met you chose the actions you chose. Instead of figuring out a way together to make things better.

Now is your turn to step up to the plate and do what it takes to fix your marriage. And sometimes people have to do things they don't want to do and in the end are very surprised by the results. Maybe also your wife hasn't given you what you have needed all these years because she has felt something off with your relationship and hasn't felt secure enough to give you what you need.

Maybe try changing yourself first and then be amazed at the change you see in your wife. I have had to change myself before I saw my spouse changing and I was not the one who was unfaithful. Life is not about what can I do for myself or what I want to do or not do, Its about what can I do for the people I love. What am I willing to sacrifice in order to help them.

If you look upon going as being forced then you will build resentment. However if you look upon this as being an opportunity to improve your marriage and a way both of you are willing to work on then just maybe you will have a marriage you never could ever imagine. Your wife didn't have a choice in your actions, however it looks to me like she is making a huge effort. And alot of times when we know we are doing wrong or have done wrong the last place we want to go to is church. My spouse refused to go to church when he was not following God because he didn't want to hear, he wanted to do what he wanted to do. And my spouse would say the same things you are saying about not having to be in church to fellowship with God. However he now sees that he was walking in the secular world and was not walking in the ways he should have been.

Why not find that quiet place and pray and ask God what HE would have you do?

So you're saying that reconcilliation and growth can happen as long as it's on your terms and as long as you don't have to leave your comfort zone?

Here are a couple of words from your first posts:

"""I have taken a good look inside and I am very disappointed and digusted in myself! I want to know if I will ever forgive myself for what I have done!"""

Do you reckon that has anything to do with your willingness to go?

**********EDIT************

I know killerjoe....... who could ever imagine talking about GOD under a subject about church...??!!!!

what is wrong with these people... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

ark...
maybe you could find an alanon support board...and ask why they keep talking about enabling...!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Too much God crap Killer Joe?

I do have my own beliefs, but will let you know I have attended Jewish services, Catholic, Buddhist, Muslim, and a Wiccan wedding at the request of friends and family. None of it hurt me one bit, and I'm glad I went. I also gained an appreciation and respect for other people's beliefs.

Bum, well okay. If your wife is happy going herself thats alright. God is everywhere, you can worship and pray anywhere. If you don't feel comfortable going at this time I don't see anything wrong with that. But, by the hints your W is leaving you, she is just letting you know she would like healing, new friends, and God working in you, her and your marriage. Bless her heart.

Lady

“””I know a lot of you have said that the giver in me needs to step forward and give for awhile.”””

I don’t know who said that but they are right on. During your 3 year affair, your taker was in total control. How else could you do the most selfish act conceived by man? In a sense, that became your nature to take and take and take while getting your ego stroked by the OW. Now that’s gone and your taker don’t like it none.

“””Since my W has found out about the A an influx of religious books have come into our home and my W is dead set on going to church on Sundays and hanging out with couples that are heavy set in the Church.”””

So you obviously have a problem with this, what is it? What’s at the source of it, is it your pride?

“””I support her going to Church and talking to whoever she want's!”””

That’s great, but marriage is not an ‘I’ proposition, it is a ‘we’ proposition.

“””However, My mother forced us to go to Church in our teen years and my brothers and I hated it.”””

OK….. Are you still harboring resentments towards your mother that you are now unleashing on your wife?

“””I feel like she is looking down at me for not going and she is constantly leaving the books around the house for me to see (in the way)!”””

Could it be that she is saddened by your lack of willingness to go to lengths for your marriage? We’ve seen what lengths your willing to go to try to destroy your marriage and inflict pain, so what lengths are you willing to go to nurture your marriage and promote joy?

“””I have some good friends that go to Church and I don't see a difference.”””

What does that have to do with anything?

“””I feel she is trying to make a separation in the friends that we hang around with.”””

If any are a negative influence or knew about the affair before she did, I would try to separate from them as well.

“””How do I go about this situation without upsetting her?”””

Put your big boy undies on and deal with it. Show her to what lengths you are willing to go. Going into that building, as you call it, may require you to swallow your pride. Pride is something that keeps us from God.

“””I support her going and doing what she needs to do but I am not ready to be part of it!”””

Are you saying that you are not ready to become apart of the marriage and do whatever it takes? I could throw down a bunch of scripture on you but let’s cut to the bottom line, you are called to be the Spiritual Leader of the family, so lead….

“””I just feel it is being forced on me and I am not ready.”””

OK, what will it take for you to be ready? You are not a child, she is not your mother and y’all have been married a day or two.

“””I am very concerned about my W and I want her to be healthy and happy.”””

So again, what lengths are you willing to go for that spiritual health and happiness.

“””But right now I would not be able to go without resentment!”””

Why? She is reaching out for God and you, what is there to resent in that?

“””I'm not saying God is not in our marriage but I think everybody has their own way of speaking to God!”””

So how do you as a couple maintain a relationship with God and have a God centered marriage? It’s obvious from the path it was on that something went astray. Do y’all read devotionals together? Do y’all pray together? What do y’all do together to praise God?

Bum,

A quick question...and I might be able to help with your sitch.

Are you a Christian? Notice, I am not asking if you go or have gone to a Christian church, or if you believe in Jesus. I am asking are you saved...have you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior.

Please answer...and I think I have an answer to your question here.

In His arms.

Bum,

I grew up going to church. I quit going during my teens years & didn't return until this year although I always thought I believed. What I realize now is that I began to lose my faith a long time ago when I quit attending & the world's view of God had crept in its place - (remember the God of this world is Satan). I still had some truths, but many had been lost over my years away from the church & the reminders I needed to follow God.

I too was hostile like you about attending church because it's in our nature to be hostile when we are not following what God wants for us & knowing that God can & will punish us for it. Part of it is disobedience & part is fear. Also, if we have sin between us & God, it separates us from God & he cannot hear our prayers.

A few verses for you:
Romans 1:21
For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened.

1 Corinthians 15:33-34
Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character." Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God—I say this to your shame.

Hebrews 3:12
See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God.

Jude 1:3-4
Dear friends, although I was very eager to write to you about the salvation we share, I felt I had to write and urge you to contend for the faith that was once for all entrusted to the saints. For certain men whose condemnation was written about long ago have secretly slipped in among you. They are godless men, who change the grace of our God into a license for immorality and deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord. (New Age Movement - http://www.carm.org/nam/nawhatis.htm )

My FWH was an atheist or agnostic at best. He was open to all possibilities in life (aliens, ghosts, supernatural, etc), but not to the idea of Jesus. This went on for 9 of our 10 years together. He had an EA for 6mo+ in 2001 & a PA for 6-8 wks in 2003. After this, he went into great depression searching for meaning & understanding. This journey which he took alone took another 1-1/2 years. We had a couple of foster kids for adoption move in with us in 2003 just after his PA (he told the OW if we got kids, he couldn't continue the A). After we got the kids, I wanted to attend church. We all went together, but it had no meaning for my H. He went for the kids, but didn't really get anything from it at the time. We also were struggling with these kids as they are special needs & have severe emotional problems. During this time, we worked really well together as a parenting team - respecting each other & never working against each other. We quit lame arguments & LB's which helped our marriage become stronger even in the midst of the most challenging situation. During this time, my H began to see me for who I really am & not what he believed (during the A). He began to love me again like he did when we met. These kids had so many severe problems, I began having panic attacks & were finally made the decision to not adopt. It was devastating to us which brought us close together as I needed him to reassure me that we made the right decision & I need to lean on him for support of my broken heart.

However, his guilt grew worse. At some point, he was looking to the possibility of Jesus & began doing some reading & research (www.wayofthemaster.com). He took the "Good person test". This is where he became convicted that he was a terrible person & headed to he11. One of the questions is in regards to adultery. Did you know that Jesus said to look upon a person with lust is to commit adultery of the heart? This made him realize that even his daily lusty thoughts were convicting him everyday. This journey brought him to Jesus where he got saved. The reason I tell you this is that it is not about a building, but when you watch someone go through this transformation it is as if they were completely blind & now their eyes were opened & they can see. My H never understood that God was ALWAYS watching & even knowing his entire thought life. Church is NOT about the building, it is about constantly keeping yourself in check with God & having other Christians helps you to keep on the right path. It is so easy to fall a little of the path, then more & more until you are completely lost. God requires attendance and membership in a faithful local church (Heb. 10: 24-26, Eph. 5: 19). Christians assemble on the Lord's Day to break bread, sing praises, hear preaching, pray, and give of their means (Acts 20: 7; Eph. 5: 19; 2 Tim. 4: 2 ff; Acts 4: 31; I Cor. 16: 1, 2). To not go is to be disobedient to God.

Now, I don't know about you, but I cannot see how anyone can claim they have a good relationship with God, but then, be disobedient to him. This is what I have learned through my H's tranformation & my journey back to God.

I also want to add that with God in my H's life, I realize that I can begin to build trust again. This is because he knows that if he lies or deceives me, it will be between him & God (which there is much more fear of God's wrath then my feelings). This is why he came to me in the first place & confessed his sins to me. I now know 100% about him & he knows 100% about me. Suddenly, our lives have much more love & passion for each with our new openness.

I hope this helps (also see the verses in my signature).