Okay, my WH and I are in the midst of a rather bitter divorce. He is living with OW and has been for 3 years, which he still denies.

Before D-day, his sister and I were best friends. We did everything together. Since then, she has not called me or come to my house. I called her several times, and we went out once, over 2 years ago. At that time, I told her I was very uncomfortable talking about her brother.
So it's been 2 years without any call, cards, or contact.

My WH called me this morning at 5:30AM and told me that his sister's husband has died, and he would like me to come to a memorial service tonight.

It was early and I was just waking up, and didn't think to ask him if OW would be coming, but she has taken my place at all of the family events, so I suspect she will.

My first thought was to go. Since then I have been bothered. For one thing, his sister's husband died 10 days ago. No one said anything to me. It seems kind of last minute.

For another thing, my WH was asked to leave our church because of his on-going adultery. He has always been the spiritual head of the whole family. I'm afraid that if he starts leading prayers, I'll burst out laughing.

I have a suspicion that WH just wants to play "one, big happy family" again. There are going to be lots of extended family there that I would like to see. But I don't want to pretend that everything is great with WH, OW, and I.

I'm over WH, so am thinking why continue doing things with his family. Then I think how selfish that would be since his sister and I used to be good friends, and I know she needs people right now.

So what do you all think?

B, send flowers and a nice note to your SIL. WH's family does not need the drama of you and OW being there at the same time. Sorry about the loss.

I would not go. It has been so long and you have no family ties. I would say a prayer for him and just not show up. I think it is all a front. Who knows what they have been telling everyone else. It also may bring alot back on you right now -emotions at this time of year. They have not been there for you -his siter rejected you and did not want you in their life. I believe that ends all responsiblity to you there. I am sure they also do not expect you to show up and may get upset if you do. Also may H thinks you and his sister are still friendly? Who can say -just stay away it is really none of your business. Take care of your heart.

I think this is not about XH, or OW.
It's not about hurt feelings, who is right or wrong, or how welcome you have been.

If Jesus, and the devil were invited to an important function right after Jesus's death, what do you think Jesus would do? If he was needed, would he be there?

If you can go and comfort her, then go. If you can hug her, and tell her you are sorry for her loss, then go and tell her.

I think this is a good chance to show WHO YOU ARE, and WHAT YOU ARE.

Now, if it would be too much for you, then don't try it, but if you can do it with your head held high, and with your heart full of love for SIL, then go. Give her that hug, and tell her you love her, and are sorry for her loss.

SS

I agree with Realtor. It was inconsiterate of your WH to call you at that hour if the death took place days before. Normally I would say that funerals are there for support of the living, and it sounds like you are christian, so I would say that you should treat people the way you would like to be treated, not the way they have treated you.

However, it sounds like your presence there would bring drama to the event. This is not the time and place for such things, send flowers and a note expressing sympathy and offer your support if she needs someone to talk to and leave it at that. I wouldn't even explain anything to your WH as it sounds like he wants you there for his own agenda. Stay clear of all of that and you can always pray privately for them.

ss-

I wish I could go with my head held high. But now I'm not sure. I think I will go with nabohio, FF and realtor and not attend. I certainly am over WH. But I have no respect left.

I have 3 more hours to decide. It would have been easier if someone had let me know 10 days ago. I could have sent flowers. I may just drop some off at sis's house on my way home from work.

Believer -

Go with your heart & how you feel like you might be able to hold up if you were to attend. There is always room for forgiveness. Mabye WH's sis was strongly influenced by him to not contact you. NO excuse for the SIL, but just a thought.

Short notice like that is inconsiderate. I personally don't know if I would attend just based on that.....

Hugs!!

Kim

Thanks Kim. I have forgiven them - even WH. I'm debating still. For one thing, I work 10 1/2 hours a day. I'm having a whole houseful on Saturday, and still have lots to do.

If I go tonight, it will take up my evening. I'm leaning towards just taking some flowers to her home. Then I can skip all the drama. And I am serious, if WH gets all "spiritual", and leading prayers, while he is sitting their with OW and wife in the room, I might burst out laughing.

Believer,
You know I wouldn't want you to do something that made you feel terrible.

All the things the others are saying may be true.

* It could be they weren't even going to invite you.

* They did wait too long.

* They have been rude to you.

* And so on, and so on.

This isn't like a party though. This is a death.

We already know these other people have faults, that isn't what we are talking about now.

You just have to ask your self "Whats the right thing for me to do?" or "How much can I handle."

Put the two together, and you'll know what to do.

Don't be afraid to draw a line - it's good to know your own limits.

SS

Hi B,

Don't know if I'm too late with my 2 cents but I wouldn't go either.It's been over 2 years since you even heard from the SIL so I would agree to send a nice card and maybe a small bouquet of flowers and that's it.What your WH wants would no longer be a concern if I were you.

Good Luck.

O

Thanks everyone. Sorry for taking up so much of your time. I decided not to go. On the way home from work, I dropped by sis's. I took a nice bouquet of flowers. She wasn't there, but a family friend was. I told her I had just found out about the death.

She showed me the list of people that were invited. It was all family - sis's grown kids, grandchildren, her brothers and their wives. My name wasn't on the list at all.

I think WH just wanted me to show up so he can pretend like we are all still one big happy family. Anyway, I decided I don't want to see him whether or not his OW is there.

Instead I will call sis after Christmas and see if she wants to go do something.

Yup, I agree. Consider yourself. What do you really want to do? If you want to go, I'd say go, regardless of H and OW or that she was a former good friend.

If you would really rather not, that is certainly understandable. Don't feel obligated. You can always send a sympathy card.

Do what you feel you want to do.

Susan

edited to add: ooops, I see we posted at the same time. Flowers was a nice gesture.

Thanks Susan. I feel comfortable about not going. I've been in Plan B for a long time. This morning I was planning to go. Then I kept second guessing myself all day. I've made my peace with this situation and forgiven my WH.

In the future I hope to re-establish the relationship with his sister. We always enjoyed each other so much.

The dinner and celebration tonight was for family, and I am no longer in the family.

I think this was a sound decision, Believer. I would send a letter to SIL expressing sympathy and a donation to a charity in her husband's name.

Best wishes to you at this time.

Stung

I've never heard of a list of people invited to a funeral! In the south, it's always opened to anyone to attend unless specifically indicated a private funeral which is family only or in my stbx's case, it indicated he didn't want to be bothered...seriously...his father (I was the only there to see his father buried as stbx was in Vegas) and a handicapped cousin (he was appointed guardian) and he put obituary in town 30 minutes away.

Wait a few weeks when the visits and calls have decreased and give her a call. That's the time when it starts to become a reality. She was/is your friend. I'm sure the situation became uncomfortable for her.

Think about it believer, in the end, expressing love and concern will never be regretted.

jph - I forgot to say that we live in CALIFORNIA. Sis's husband died over 10 days ago. I'm still not sure when. I didn't even know he was sick.

Anyway, here we have a lot of "celebrations of life". This one is a family gathering with dinner. Everyone talks about the deceased and his life.

I would have gone to the funeral if I'd known that he died.

believer,

I think you have the right plan. Give it a couple of weeks and then decide if you want to offer SIL company. I know you were all close at one time, but no one in stbx's family has come forward to love or support you except your lovely SS.

If not, what you have done is enough. She knows you cared enough to show it with the flowers and card. Sympathy is enough, you don't need to be part of the past. You have shown your respect for her loss.

You are wise to stay out of it. This is time for SIL to have closure, not an opportunity for stbx to pretend all is well, when it isn't.

God Bless you believer, have a Merry Christmas. You have my vote for Miss Worthy of the year! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

believer..oh, ok..now I understand. Yes you are wise to not go but share your sympathies at a later time.

MissM -

Thanks for your vote of confidence. I really do think I'm healing. I stressed about it all day today. But tonight I was talking to a good friend. She said when WH asks why I wasn't there, I should bring up the fact that he waited for 10 days, and then called me at dawn. I explained to her that I no longer care what WH thinks. I have better things to do than argue with him. That felt fine.