Well... I am still seeing someone I met on eharmony. We corresponded for a month or two and decide to go out several times. Last night, she really wanted SF but I stopped it from going to far (I am concerned about STD's and it just did not feel right). However, it went far enough to be very intimate.

She has fallen for me (she told me) but I have told her I do not know what I want. I do think I need to break this off, or at least slow it down.

The reason I am posting, is I could really tell the difference between how SF (or close to it) feels with someone you love vs someone you do not. After SF with my X, it felt so good and made me love her more.. But last night, afterwards, I felt little or nothing. I guess there needs to be a bond for me. Do other men feel this way??? Or how about women - do you feel this way???

Keith

Yes, there is a huge difference between SF with someone you love and SF with someone you want to love but don't.

If you are having doubts about what you want (with this woman), I would urge you to back off not just on SF, but on anything beyond light affection. It would hurt her too much to find out that she had fallen for you but you were planning to break it off while still being intimate with her.

My goal in dating is to not become intimate with anyone again until I see tremendous potential for the relationship. SF (and even heavy affection) can really cloud your judgement, and as someone else said, it becomes the primary source of bonding, rather than letting the bonding occur on all levels.

You have also been divorced only six months after a 23 year relationship, I suspect that you need a bit more time before becoming very involved with anyone.

AGG

Definately back away..and the right thing to do would be to tell her why.

BHINWI (by the way, I was a Madison Badger <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Here's my thoughts from a female perspective...

Yes, there is a difference in SF feeling when you're "in love." But, some of the difference you're feeling may be because you were with your ex for a long time, so anyone else will seem different at first.

I think that most women have very strong emotional ties prior to SF and/or are more likely to feel emotional ties solely because of SF. Perhaps she has a high EN for conversation, so you were hitting that w/ your communication and, thus, she has fallen for you and wants to have SF with you.

I think (and I'm open to being corrected) that SF for a guy may strenghten feelings that are already there but not create them absent other things.

I'm not sure how this works w/ MB ideas, except to say that SF alone without other needs being met won't create that in love feeling for a guy, whereas it could for a woman because she may equate SF w/ affection, admiration, etc and she may also be getting conversation, gifts/dinner leading up to the SF.

Ok - I'm trying to contribute here because I learned a lot from MB, but if my posts are worthless, I'm ok with that. Just let me know and I'll return to lurker status. Thanks

Yes, for me there absolutely has to be a bond. I just cannot give myself to someone who I barely know, or have barely formed an attachment to.....SF feels kinda empty to me otherwise

DW

BH~~
I had this very conversation with a close guy friend today, and he said the same thing you are saying.
He said, there is a difference between having sex and making love. He would rather make love [with someone who he loves], than have sex [with just anyone], even if that meant waiting a long time to maybe never. It means that much to him.

I have to say, as a woman, I'm very impressed with you men that view SF this way.
It gives me such hope that I will find a "good guy" one day that has values.

BH, I'm wondering why this woman is moving so fast. Just a question.

I went out with a guy 2X this summer. He was very generous with compliments and I believe he liked me alot just after 2 dates. I couldn't handle it. I ended up telling him I was emotionally unavailable, which was true, and I thought it best not to go out anymore. I felt I had potential of hurting him, and that bothered me a lot.

I think you're on the right track BH! I am impressed to know quality guys are out there!

Karona

Keith:

There is no comparison between having sex and making love. It's kind of like rowing a canoe across the creek vs. taking a cruise across the ocean. Both involve a boat on the water; but the differences are huge.

And thanks Karona for pointing out that it matters to you girls - how we guys view sex vs. LM-ing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

FR

IMO, she was TOO easy, too soon (to YOU) to get, and you kind of lost interest in her, her charm spilled...

Interesting comparison FR!

"thanks Karona for pointing out that it matters to you girls - how we guys view sex vs. LM-ing!"

YW!- it makes a difference to me and I'm sure I'm not alone in this line of thinking. We can have sex "because we can" kind of attitude, but, LM-ing is more significant than that.

K!

Interesting date!

IMHO, I think that women of my generation are very sexually agressive, often more so than the man. We men tend to hold back, not wanting the woman to think sex is all we are after.
At least I do. Also, I want that special intimacy, not just SF.

One of my single neighbors says there are 3 factors that go into a 50+ woman's thinking about sex. 1. She can no longer get pregnant. 2. She has lost a lot of her youth and wants to know that she is still desireable, that she has still "got it". 3. She has grown up with 30 years of feminist teachings that have broken the old taboos.

According to my neighbor lady, combine those three things and you end up with a very assertive woman.

Yes, I absolutely need to feel emotionaly connected to want SF. While it can feel good to have a nice kiss, have someone hug you, maybe cudle some. Anything else would feel off & I know I wouldn't be able to be relaxed enough or be involved enough to make the physical part... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> happen. Plus, I want to share myself with a man I see a future with.

Not to mention the sweetness of seeing the man you love feel the pleasure you want to give him.

Thanks for all of the responses.... I guess it is normal for me to feel this way.

I am not sure why she is coming on so strong... I know she was very hurt by her X and she may on the rebound??

I don't want to get in another situation like the other night. It just did not feel right.

Keith

I know you know my feelings on sex before marriage but all that aside, if you don't truly love her or have strong feelings that you have a future together, DON'T go there.

A huge part of why I'm having so much difficulty now with what is in all likelihood the end of what I thought was a wonderful relationship is because I gave myself to this guy heart and soul. I gave all of myself. I was intimate with him, and that to a woman (at least to me) is a huge thing. I "assumed" he felt the same. It appears not.

My point: It doesn't matter why people break up, but I believe having been intimate with the person makes it 100 times worse, at least for the woman because for us physical intimacy is so tied to emotional intimacy. So be very, very sure of where you're headed before you let anything happen.

Maybe she just wants sex, which is just another reason not to do it, because sex is supposed to be special. It's the most intimate thing two people can give each other. Casual sex (which I unfortunately have experienced) is very empty and very wrong.

LL

Lordslady,

The more I have thought about the other night, the more empty I do feel about it. Sex should be the reward of getting to know each other, spending time together, falling in love. Then it means something...

I am glad I did stop it before it went too far.

Keith

So what's your plan Keith? Will you continue seeing her?

Devasted,

No, I am not going to see her again even though she wants to keep going out. The answers here enforced what I already knew.

I am glad that it has to mean something for me.

Keith

Well, for what it's worth, I think you made the right decision for you and for her. You're sparing her alot of hurt down the road....

I think it speaks volumes about you as a person, and as a man, that it has to mean something for you....

Gives us gals hope <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have to applaud you also. Ten years ago or less, I would have slept with someone regardless of consequences. Your using the right head to think this through, if you know what I mean. I'm also fearful of leading someone on. Even though I have a burning in my loins, I want to do the right thing.

I'm with the others, I think it says very much about your character.

Hope you had a good New Years!
Karona