So been trying to call the STBXH and he wouldn't answer my texts or calls. Had a feeling he was with OW and sure enough, she answers the phone and tells me he's busy and he'll call when he wants to talk to me. I kicked him out a month ago after finding out he was cheating on me. I found him in bed with her on Thanksgiving and it turned into the Jerry Springer show. I have never lowered myself to that level and not really sure why I even care, but God does it hurts so bad to know he's with her. He tells me that they have no relationship and that she's just a friend, yea right. So he's lying about everything, tells me something new everyday, I can't believe a thing he says. Our kids 16 and 9 are always caught up in the middle of it all. He has damaged them beyond repair.

I get so angry because of this and I can't handle any of it. I'm allowing his actions and poor choices to make me a person that I'm not. He's using her to make me crazy and its working, but why? We have to sell the house and I have to move again, we haven't even talked about a divorce and he's taking her all over town and to our friends homes, parading her around and making me look like an idiot. How in the world do you get through this???Those of you that have made it to the other side, how do you do it? I am fine if I think he's gone, which was inivitable, but when I find out she's involved I'm furious.

After 17 years how do you just let go and how will I ever be able to trust again. Right now, I just can't see the end of the road.

Help??

Please get yourself a counselor because you need to deal with your feelings, and your children will see your reaction to all of this.
If you can't afford a counselor, many areas have women's crisis centers that usually provide free counseling, and also ways to help you get back on your feet.
There are 5 stages to grief, and you are now in the anger/blame stage. Only you can decide when you move on to a healthier stage, and a counselor can help you with this.
For your children, please see if there is a Rainbows class, www.rainbows.org in your area, or a DivorceCare class for all of you www.divorcecare.org
Many areas also have Separated/divorced support groups, so look in your newspapers and in the phone book. You need help now.

The holidays only make this rougher on you. Take the step to help yourself now.

Bren:

Just so you know - you will get more response; especially from "old-timers" on General Questions 2 [GQ2] under the "infidelity" subtitle. The old-timers on there are awesome - every single one of them. You might call out for Orchid and tell her I sent ya!

Your anger and hurt are very normal given your sitch. Don't beat yourself up too badly for the "Springer-like incident" - we've all been through similar incidents. The key is to not repeat those actions for a variety of reasons.


It's a slow, painful process that cannot be magically fixed. The only thing I can say is take it one day at a time and occasionally one hour at a time. Copy & paste your original story on GQ2 and many will reach out to you. I'll peek in over there occasionally and se how you're doing.

FR

If you haven't discussed or filed for divorce, you need to be on GQII. Have you read the principles of Marriage Builders? Are you familiar with Plan A? Please go read this site and buy "Surviving an Affair."

Don't get sucked into the Jerry Springer thing again and leave the children out of it.

Do you think kicking him out was not such a good idea? If he were there, at least, you could have been able to work on your marriage.

He's not making an idiot of you by parading this person around town, he's making an idiot of himself. Don't allow her to drive you crazy. Set your focus on saving your marriage and not on battling with her.

Penny, You have this all wrong. He is not making you look like an idiot, he is making himself look like an idiot.

You can get through this. My X's actions took me from the one of the happiest persons you could ever meet to one of the most angry you would have ever met. I mean I was angry all the time, at her, at him, at the world. I just can't tell you how much.

Plan B him (if you haven't already). Just get away from him and let him continue to make a complete fool out of himself.

Keith

Please, get to a counselor and a doctor. . a doctor will prescribe an anti depressant to keep you from blowing yourself up, and a counselor to help you process the feelings.

howver, alot of people here have been through this event of their idiot Xspouses, and to say that he is parading her around town is making you look like a fool, is actually the farthest thought from the other's mind. My X did lots of convincing of her family, and anyone that would listen, of all my meanness, etc. and yet, right now, every boyfriend that she tried to have a relationship with, has dumped her, or used her. Alot of people will see through your H, don't worry about that. . and to say that he won't have much relationship success in the future is a bet that I am willing to take.

however, I would seriously counsel you to talk to lawyer as the second step, after counselor and doctor, to protect yourself, and all of a sudden, the fog will clear very quickly about your seriousness of not putting up with bad behavior from a spouse.

So really, your actions will tell more to others about how much you put up with bad spousal behavior, that with his actions about parading around a girlfriend. Many have lived through it, and know that those types actually are very dysfunctional on the inside, much more so that they have ever let on. ...

so STOP judging yourself with a dysfunctional yardstick. . yea, its not normal behavior. . . and start taking care of yourself.

we are here to support you in NOT putting up with crappy spousal behavior.

wiftty

Hey welcome to the Jerry Springer club! (Yuck!) A dear friend of mine went through her husband having an affair, as did I. We both consider ourselves to be intellegent, thoughtful, well-mannered, kind, polite women. She's a teacher and I'm a social worker. You know...."people" people. We try to treat others the way we want to be treated.

BUT....we both went off the deep ends when we were dealing with our WSs! We didn't even recognize ourselves!
So, brush yourself off. Sanity will return. Forgive yourself. Talk with a counselor for objective feedback.

I, too, thought my exWS was walking around with his OW looking all great and glorius. He was 47 and the OW was 21. They met at their A.A. meetings. I figured that he probably came across as pretty "hot stuff" with this 21 year old at the end of his arm. I was 47. I sure couldn't "compete".

The OW got pregnant with his child. I heard through the grapevine about how people at their A.A. club were betting on the baby's birth date, weight, etc. Were going to give half the proceeds to the couple. I heard from a co-worker that my WS was presenting himself as divorced from me. The OW knew he was still married. She would call and cop an attitude with me long before I knew about the affair. I always just handed the phone over to my WS figuring it was A.A. business...so not any of my business.

I later found out through a co-worker of my son's that the "Happy Couple" didn't get away with the situation so well. This co-worker attended the same meetings as my ex and the OW. She said that my ex lost a lot of friends over the situation. Lost a lot of respect. She also said that the OW was considered to be a "hootchie mama" by alot of people at their meetings. They were also heard arguing because "somebody" hadn't paid the electric bill and their power had been turned off. Sucks to be them!

There's no doubt that it hurts...but it aint over til it's over. In the meantime....you know the truth.

Heartmending...

What goes around comes around. Your exWS's saga is not over by any means. Let us know when she cheats on him. I will bet it will happen in 2006. Then let us know when he comes crawling home.

Keith